back after a few years

[bluebell]

Guys,
I can't believe I am back here. My son I thought was doing better, he has gotten off the hard drugs, graduated college (with a lot of help and nagging) with honors, took him over a year to look for and find a job that he started two months ago. He was living with my mother in law since 2020 because of her dementia issues - he didn't really help much but he was a presence. Well, she died in 5/23 and we waited and waited for him to find a job and move out but he wouldn't so we had to sell the house last week and move him back in. He could not find a lease with such a brief work history. The plan was to save money and move out in the fall. He hit a pothole on his way to work also last week (he works night shifts) and my husband picked him up on side of road and arranged towing, etch and has been driving him back and forth until he can get it fixed - it should be ready this week and cost over $3k.

Saturday night he got drunk and started trying to hook his computer up to a television in my office that is not stable - it is not screwed to the base. It fell and broke his computer. We heard the crash, my husband went in to check and he seemed to be ok. But 5 minutes later I see his phone light waltzing down the hall and he let go. Assaulted my husband and threatened to kill him for breaking his computer. My daughter got in the middle and he pushed her too to get to my husband. He tore his shirt and grabbed him by the neck. Something similar happened 10 years ago but my husband defended himself and also got charges so he was steadfast in not touching him. I called 911 and police were there quickly! He has several dv misdemeanor charges and a felony for terroristic threatening we saw on the inmate roster.

So my dilemma is this - a friend says he will probably have to pay bail to get out since it's a felony. Can he bail himself out? Noone else well. He has ZERO friends (the one good thing I thought about him getting 'clean' from hard drugs). I mean - it's a long shot anyway that he could keep this job - but he will lose it if he has to stay in jail for over a month awaiting trial. Should I even care? I have been in savior mode with this kid - getting him through college, finding a job, etc etc I don't know how to stop. I was diagnosed with breast cancer last July and I am having a full day of scans today to determine if I can stop treatment so I am having a hard time dealing with all of this. My diagnosis really made me more anxious about his future, since mine could be shortened. Please give me some sort of guidance on how to move forward every day and letting go of all of my efforts these past years to get him on track. I need help!

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Hello bluebell am new here, nice to meet you. Am so very sorry this has happened yet again but so thankful your husband did not attack back. We live in Florida, my daughter cannot bail herself out of jail. We have to go to a bail bondsman who usually is in a different location than the jail itself. Depending on previous jail time and the magnitude of this new charge he may/may not get bail. Your safety and your family’s is of utmost importance and I would seek a trespass and restraining order against him immediately.

Should you care? Of course you do because you love him with everything you have. But he made the decision to drink and allowed the violence to come out because of. Your dealing with breast cancer is bad enough, in a fight for your life! I would let him stay in jail with no money on his books, no phone money and let him sober up to the reality of what he has caused. If for any reason he should get bail, I don’t know how as you said he has no one, would never - ever let him back in your home again! It comes down to your life….or his? When my daughter gets into blackout periods when drinking she has no idea what she did at the time. I fear her killing us one day and it’s why when she gets out of jail this time, will not be coming back to live with us. Mine and your family safety is so important no matter how much we love them. Like your son, I too had gotten my daughter doing well in her life, yet again, and she threw it all away by leaving our house one night to live in her car, only went downhill from there.

You have to be strong, for yourself and your family.

 

[Nomad]

I am soooo very sorry to read this bluebell. "I was diagnosed with breast cancer last July and I am having a full day of scans today to determine if I can stop treatment so I am having a hard time dealing with all of this. My diagnosis really made me more anxious about his future, since mine could be shortened. Please give me some sort of guidance on how to move forward every day and letting go of all of my efforts these past years to get him on track. I need help!" This comment hit me like a freight train. I just went to the celebration of life memorial service for a friend who died of cancer a few weeks ago. The year prior, she had a LOT of stress in her life. NOT the kind we go through here, but nevertheless...extreme stress. My own mother died of cancer and she too had extreme stress the year before she died of cancer...again, not the same type of stress we experience here...but nevertheless stress. I believe extreme stress especially over long periods of time, can lower the immune system's ability to fight for itself. No doubt you know or suspect this as well. Since there is a lot of cancer in my family AND I have a different chronic illness...plus what I have sadly observed.....I think about this stuff!!!

So, it is IMPERATIVE that you do your very best to disengage from the extreme stress. And to detach from the craziness that your son is demonstrating. And the violence....NOPE...no way should that be tolerated. I'm assuming he is over 21? He is OLD ENOUGH to know better. Old enough to know that he is behaving horribly and needs help.

I'm leaning toward you NOT bailing him out. But, understand if you wish to do it to help preserve his job. If you do bail him out, in my humble opinion, he should not return to your home. If you were to bail him out, where can he go? You said he has no friends? Perhaps a stint in jail would be a wake up call? (I know this is VERY HARD)

It is urgent that you take excellent care of yourself. Get rest. Eat healthy. Take your vitamins. Find joy daily. Do some exercise. Have fun with friends. Think what you like to do AND DO IT. Get a manicure. Go to lunch with a friend. Whatever the case might be...get out and do these things. Good luck with your scan results. Sending good thoughts. Blessings.

 

[bluebell]

The bail bondsmen are blowing up my phone right now. I am not answering. My husband and daughter are against bailing him out. They are yelling at me for considering it. I mean they are right he probably wouldn't go to work tonight even if he got a hotel and we got his car out of the shop. He's not a normal functioning adult. So they don't think it's a reason for bail.
I do think the cancer has origins in stress. I had a lot of marital problems before diagnosis and a hysterectomy a few months before diagnosis. I think both and the constant stress of my son has contributed. My mother died from cancer 6 weeks after diagnosis, she was under a great deal of stress also. This is certainly is not helping.

 

[Crayola14]

I would hate to bail him out, but I would consider it if his job is a really good one. Depending on what kind of job he has—salary, potential for moving up, etc., I would hate for him to lose it if it’s a position that will allow him to be gainfully employed and a good starting point for future jobs. Is the job going to further his career and help him improve his position in life? I honestly don’t know what I would do in your situation. He deserves to be in jail and held accountable. I don’t think I would allow him to come home.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

The bail bondsmen are blowing up my phone right now. I am not answering. My husband and daughter are against bailing him out. They are yelling at me for considering it. I mean they are right he probably wouldn't go to work tonight even if he got a hotel and we got his car out of the shop. He's not a normal functioning adult. So they don't think it's a reason for bail.
I do think the cancer has origins in stress. I had a lot of marital problems before diagnosis and a hysterectomy a few months before diagnosis. I think both and the constant stress of my son has contributed. My mother died from cancer 6 weeks after diagnosis, she was under a great deal of stress also. This is certainly is not helping.

This is exactly why I had to change my phone number once we made the decision to go no contact with my daughter, she gave my number out to every bail bondsman out there. I agree with your husband and daughter to not bail him out, not today - tomorrow - next week or month. This to me is the most disrespectful thing he could have done to all of you and so violent. I thank God for all of you that this did not land one of you in the hospital or worse.

But say you went against your family advice? Posted bail? You are now faced with basically taking care of him, even though he should be left to his own decisions, as am sure once his job finds out he went to jail he would be fired. Putting him up in a motel and paying 3K to get his car out of the shop? That money should go to you helping your cancer, you should do things for yourself at this time and enjoy every second of life. I pray for remission but, what if not? Just something to think about and God forbid as you said your life would be shortened, your family does not seem like they want to do anything with him. This is what I am trying to show my daughter now while she is in jail and after….we won’t be around forever, how will they manage when we are gone? My daughter’s answer? Would probably kill herself. Say what!

Your part in his life is to just help him out when he is in trouble is how he sees things. When he is doing well do you hear from him as much as your phone is ringing off the hook now? If he is like my daughter, the answer is no. It’s a tough road ahead of you in so many ways, try and focus on you for once.

 

[Copabanana]

Assaulted my husband and threatened to kill him for breaking his computer.

Horrible! In my state this is a serious felony and the terrorist threat could (and should) get him a few years in prison. His alcoholism is no excuse. He is responsible for what he does and says when he is inebriated.

this job - but he will lose it if he has to stay in jail for over a month awaiting trial. Should I even care?

No. In my opinion, you need to disengage. His life is his. These are serious acts and serious charges that cannot be minimized. I agree with the others who have responded.

My husband and daughter are against bailing him out.

For good reason. Your son is trouble. Treated like a hothouse flower, he succeeds. However, he does not seem to acknowledge or appreciate the support. He becomes aggressive and entitled when there is a ripple in the road. This is a character or temperamental flaw that he needs to remediate. It is not your responsibility to take responsibility for his violence.

Even if you weren't ill with cancer, your health and well-being, and that of the family, are absolute priorities.

Please do not consider bailing him out. I do not think he is safe to be living with the family until he gets serious and long-term treatment for his anger, substance abuse and impulsivity. Regardless of his accomplishments, he has serious issues that only he can handle.

 

[bluebell]

Thank you all! And copa - I remember you from years ago and I do think of you often. Apparently he bailed himself out with a credit card yesterday, gave him his stuff back and he called my daughter's boyfriend from his phone to pick him up and they had a plan to get him to work but the jail rebooked him for a booking error so it all has to go back to court tomorrow. The justice system sucks that's for sure. I'm glad I didn't pay for any of that snafu.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Thank you all! And copa - I remember you from years ago and I do think of you often. Apparently he bailed himself out with a credit card yesterday, gave him his stuff back and he called my daughter's boyfriend from his phone to pick him up and they had a plan to get him to work but the jail rebooked him for a booking error so it all has to go back to court tomorrow. The justice system sucks that's for sure. I'm glad I didn't pay for any of that snafu.

Wow, I am shocked he could bail himself out and you see? This is proof that he will use you as his last resort. So proud of you that you were not the one to do this and for the future continue to keep the strength going and let him figure it out for himself. He has shown you he is capable of doing so.

 

[Copabanana]

I remember you from years ago and I do think of you often.

I remember you too! Please stay with us this time. We missed you.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Bluebell,
Welcome back, so sorry for your need to be here again. It’s good to write down our challenges and receive kind, understanding responses. CD has been a lifesaver for me.

I have been in savior mode with this kid - getting him through college, finding a job, etc etc I don't know how to stop.

How I know this feeling. It’s not just our love for our wayward adult kids, rescue mode becomes so routine after years of dealing with the drama and chaos of our kids choices. I’m glad you recognize the need to stop, that’s a big step.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer last July and I am having a full day of scans today to determine if I can stop treatment so I am having a hard time dealing with all of this. My diagnosis really made me more anxious about his future, since mine could be shortened.

I’m so sorry to read of your diagnosis. You have a tough battle with your health issues, please put yourself in the forefront.
We are all here in different stages on this journey. I was right where you are at for a time and still have to work hard to stay away from the rabbit hole of rescue mode. With two wayward adult daughters so lost, it was hard not to get drawn in to the consequences of their choices. I knew after many years of trying to help them, that they did not want to change their course, they wanted things to be easier. That meant taking advantage of their parents.

Please give me some sort of guidance on how to move forward every day and letting go of all of my efforts these past years to get him on track. I need help!

What helped me move forward the most was writing here. It has been a sort of living journal, with feedback from folks who have “been there, done that.” I was able to look at the things we had gone through more sanely. I think all of the drama had a way of conditioning me to react in “savior” mode as you frame it, instead of thinking things through, and letting my girls deal with the consequences of their choices. Copa described it aptly as us be willing to sacrifice ourselves to save our wayward kids. But it doesn’t work. We have no control over our adult kids choices. Zip, zero, zilch. Focusing on that reality helped me to disengage. Realizing that I had no control, and that I was way more focused on my two “getting better” than they were. I threw in the proverbial towel and gave my two back to God. Prayer has helped me tremendously to cope. Focusing on my three well children helps too. I didn’t realize how much attention I had given to my troubled daughters. That, and my grief over their choices was robbing me of precious family time, my physical, mental and emotional health.

Saturday night he got drunk and started trying to hook his computer up to a television in my office that is not stable - it is not screwed to the base. It fell and broke his computer. We heard the crash, my husband went in to check and he seemed to be ok. But 5 minutes later I see his phone light waltzing down the hall and he let go. Assaulted my husband and threatened to kill him for breaking his computer. My daughter got in the middle and he pushed her too to get to my husband. He tore his shirt and grabbed him by the neck.

Good Lord Bluebell, this is absolutely horrendous. Unacceptable. Our homes are supposed to be our sanctuaries, not battle grounds. There has to be a line drawn somewhere. I think that when we are caught up trying to save our kids, we begin to normalize the awful things that happen. My daughter tries to tell me that she can’t be held accountable for the things she does when she is on meth. Balderdash.
I forgive my two for the horrible “episodes” we went through, but I won’t forget them. I have to remind myself that as long as they are using drugs, they are not safe to be around. They are not the kind of people I would associate with, that’s for sure.
You may consider seeking a counselor or attending Al-Anon, if you are still having a tough time working through your urges to step in and rescue your son.
You have value my dear. You deserve to have peace in your life. Practicing self love is essential to our well being. It is not selfish. It’s what we wish for our adult children, that they would love themselves enough to make better choices. We have no control over that, but we can model it by taking good care of our own health. For me, that means stepping back, way back and letting go of that rescue mode. My daughter Tornado has been in and out of jail since 2018 for a theft charge. She has tried to get me to go to her court cases, nope. I don’t visit her in prison, I draw the line at phone calls, but have also gone no contact as she can be quite manipulative. I tell her that I’m not getting any younger and have health issues, the stress of dealing with her can be overwhelming. She’s been through rehabs required by the court, and now is telling me that she just wants to finish her sentence out, she’s “an addict and should be able to come around even if she’s not sober”. Absolutely not. Too unpredictable and unstable. Love her, but not the craziness that comes with meth use.
She doesn’t seem to remember the hurt she has caused herself, or her family. She uses the term “unconditional love” to mean that we all should just accept her for “who she is”. She uses the terminology she learned at rehabs, but twists it around to back up her drug use.
Not good. Not falling for it.
Please take good care of yourself Bluebell. Do everything in your power to gain your strength back. You are worth it.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[Fairy dust]

New Leaf your words are so calming and soothing to us all. Thank you for doing what you do and sharing. You have no idea how much your posts and the posts of others resonate with me and help me.

 

[bluebell]

I remember you too NewLeaf! I'm so sorry you are still dealing with this. These words mean so much to me, as you can imagine I cannot talk to anyone about this. I told my brother who lives in another state and he just asks if I'm pressing charges and then nothing else. Pisses me off since he left me to deal with our dad who has been in a nursing home for the last two years, but that is another forum!

As far as my son, we did the car (packed with his stuff) handoff and during that phone call he claimed accountability but then went on to say he remembers nothing he was drunk etc and then gets frustrated when he sees he has no place to come home to. He went to a hotel last night (I can track his phone - yeah I know), and he did go to work.

I had my scans Monday, my sweet daughter took me and I will have my doctor appointment and treatment this afternoon. Please pray for clean scans!

 

[MommaTried24]

Praying for you bluebell!

 

[bluebell]

My scans were clear! I will have two more treatments and will be finished in July. Have to take hormone blockers for years but so far so good! Thank you all for your support and kind words! Detachment is hard.

 

[Beta]

My scans were clear! I will have two more treatments and will be finished in July. Have to take hormone blockers for years but so far so good! Thank you all for your support and kind words! Detachment is hard.

That's awesome news! So glad to hear that.

 

[New Leaf]

Good morning,
Thank you for your kind words.

New Leaf your words are so calming and soothing to us all.

Thank you Fairydust. The support I have felt here all these years is immeasurable.

I remember you too NewLeaf! I'm so sorry you are still dealing with this. These words mean so much to me, as you can imagine I cannot talk to anyone about this. I told my brother who lives in another state and he just asks if I'm pressing charges and then nothing else.

It has unfortunately been a long journey for our family, but with each challenge we learn. It is hard for people who have not faced this to understand. It is simple to them, just kick them out, just press charges, etc. but the emotions behind all of the drama and chaos, they have not experienced. It is a difficult challenge to work towards detachment and take a stance for peace in our homes.

As far as my son, we did the car (packed with his stuff) handoff and during that phone call he claimed accountability but then went on to say he remembers nothing he was drunk etc and then gets frustrated when he sees he has no place to come home to.

That must have been hard, Bluebell. With that said, it is a most reasonable boundary to set. You are protecting yourself and your home and letting your son know that his actions will not be tolerated. At least he knows he was wrong, hopefully he will see sooner than later, that his excessive drinking causes him to lose control of himself. My son is 23, and is at the moment, pretty stable. He did get into partying with his friends in college and his personality changed dramatically for a time. I had several conversations with him and he was in denial. That was hard to witness, considering our history with his sisters. He has recently apologized for his behavior and is working towards being more responsible. Prayers going up for all of our adult children that they are able to navigate through the challenges life presents, resist temptation and learn through their struggles how to live better.

He went to a hotel last night (I can track his phone - yeah I know), and he did go to work.

Your son is resourceful. That’s a plus. Hopefully he will work towards finding a better living situation. I track my son, too. (Yeah, I know!)

My scans were clear! I will have two more treatments and will be finished in July.

Hallelujah! What a relief! Keep working on self care and drawing that line when it comes to your son. It is a loving thing to do, to not let our adult wayward kids disrespect our boundaries, and if they do, follow through with a strong stance for working towards peace in our lives.
Take care!
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[MommaTried24]

Clear scans is so awesome! Thank you God for answered prayers! You've got this now bluebell. I hope you will find a way to protect yourself from stress as much as you can now. We're all here for your support. Such great news!

 

[Deni D]

My scans were clear! I will have two more treatments and will be finished in July. Have to take hormone blockers for years but so far so good!

Bluebell, I'm relieved and so happy to read this. I echo what New Leaf wrote.

 

[katya02]

It's been years since I've been here but I remember you, Bluebell. Congratulations on clear scans! Wonderful news!