Borderline (Borderline (Borderline (Borderline (BPD)))) son is suicidal

[Floundering Mum]

My 24 year old son lives with us because he’s studying. He appears fine but his best friend called to tell me my son was suicidal. He’d told her the date and method, and that it would not be in the family home.
I called Mental Health Triage and they sent two people to our house to interview him. The following morning he was detained under the Mental Health Care Act. He saw a psychiatrist who declared him fit for release being neither depressed nor suicidal. I forgot to mention that my son has Borderline (BPD), as well as a tenuous relationship with the truth. Although he fooled the psychiatrist, other workers there were furious as they could see my son was lying and felt he needed to be detained in the psychiatric ward longer. But the psychiatrist had the final say in it.
Things have been fine since because his older sister flew in to support us all. However, she told me that he bought surveillance equipment because I removed a rope (his chosen method) from his room. I could search again but he’ll always know and hide it elsewhere. He’s always been secretive and sneaky.
I can’t watch him 24/7 and am beside myself. If I could, I’d sit outside on the porch all night every night to stop him sneaking out to do it. Because he’s not fine, despite what the psychiatrist thought. He’s non-compliant with his medications and lies to his psychologist.
I don’t know what to do or how to stop him. If I drop my guard or vigilance for a second, he could drive off and do it. But I can’t keep it up indefinitely and I don’t know how long to try.
I feel scared and helpless.

 

[Crayola13]

Personality disorders are very hard to treat. If you think he’s serious about suicide and not bluffing, action needs to be taken. I don’t know what the laws and processes are in your country. In the U.S. it’s problematic to get a suicidal person over 17 into the hospital. Get on the internet and find out if you have any options. Maybe a social worker could help. We have an organization called NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) in the U.S. I would imagine there are similar organizations in your country. I hope things get easier for you and your son.

 

[BusynMember]

This is hard. My daughter is not diagnosed but is certainly borderline too. She often spoke of suicide.

The truth? Your son is 24. He is not going to live with you forever and even now that he still does...he can do it if he really wants. My daughter can too.

The reality is, we can not control what another person does no matter how hard we try or how serious it is. It's not possible to save another person. We also can.not force mentally ill adult kids to comply with psychiatric treatment. So what CAN we do?

We have total control over one person...ourselves. we can go to therapy to learn how to take care of us and learn how to cope with the situation with your son in a healthier way for you AND him. There are great coping skills available...a few I love are radical acceptance, mindfulness and distress tolerance. I learned tons of skills for my tool box as years have gone by. You can too. You are the only person you can control or whose thinking you can change. And you can live a good life even if your son keeps struggling. I hope you see a good therapist and/or go to an online Zoom Family's Anonymous meeting. Look on the internet to find a Zoom meeting. I hope you reach out for help. What you are doing is not sustainable.

I send you love and hugs.

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

Hi, finally managed to log back in, sorry for absence!!
First of all, please re-read Busy's advice above. It, sadly is the truth and I have learned this over the past four years.
If you know my posts you will know you could be me. My son had us all running after him, calling police, crisis team, you name it. He has been threatening suicide since 2018 and acting 'hopeless' since he was 18 (he will soon be 26). First he would stand beside a busy road outside our house. Then he allowed me to see his Google searches of suicide methods. Then he ordered a gas canister and face mask (the mask I intercepted and hid, without his knowledge). The crisis team said he was not depressed. (I do not say your son is the same as mine, nor am I certain that my son will not commit suicide at some point.) The difference is, I have detached myself from his actions. I have accepted that it is his choice and I can do NOTHING to stop him. I got the police to escort him away after a huge argument and he left home for a year, returning because of the pandemic. then it all started again, he would make rope nooses and steal medications to threaten to take. I got the police to escort him out a second time, (he was also being very abusive and threatening.) Two years on, we are in tentative contact and he says he has got some therapy which is helping. I am getting on with my life. I have decided that some young men (and women, but it seems to be mostly men) want to play games, and they KNOW we are not as hard hearted as them. It is us that are the victims of this behaviour. Please be good to yourself and take the focus off your son. I know it is hard. I have a friend who has a similar son who is now 30 and her answer is to keep him by her at the cost of her other son and her husband. They just have to put up with it but they are suffering terribly. I'm trying the other tack, and hoping with support 'at a distance' my son will learn to be independent. Be supportive of your son, help him all you can, but I would advise against giving him a free ride of any kind. It's not good for their development as independent human beings. Just my experience. You need a big hug, you poor hurting Mom.

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

PS I cannot recommend enough the book : Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad, and getting counselling online IMMEDIATELY (I used Betterhelp.) Hugs to you!

 

[Floundering Mum]

Personality disorders are very hard to treat. If you think he’s serious about suicide and not bluffing, action needs to be taken. I don’t know what the laws and processes are in your country. In the U.S. it’s problematic to get a suicidal person over 17 into the hospital. Get on the internet and find out if you have any options. Maybe a social worker could help. We have an organization called NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) in the U.S. I would imagine there are similar organizations in your country. I hope things get easier for you and your son.

Thank you

 

[Floundering Mum]

Personality disorders are very hard to treat. If you think he’s serious about suicide and not bluffing, action needs to be taken. I don’t know what the laws and processes are in your country. In the U.S. it’s problematic to get a suicidal person over 17 into the hospital. Get on the internet and find out if you have any options. Maybe a social worker could help. We have an organization called NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) in the U.S. I would imagine there are similar organizations in your country. I hope things get easier for you and your son.

This is hard. My daughter is not diagnosed but is certainly borderline too. She often spoke of suicide.

The truth? Your son is 24. He is not going to live with you forever and even now that he still does...he can do it if he really wants. My daughter can too.

The reality is, we can not control what another person does no matter how hard we try or how serious it is. It's not possible to save another person. We also can.not force mentally ill adult kids to comply with psychiatric treatment. So what CAN we do?

We have total control over one person...ourselves. we can go to therapy to learn how to take care of us and learn how to cope with the situation with your son in a healthier way for you AND him. There are great coping skills available...a few I love are radical acceptance, mindfulness and distress tolerance. I learned tons of skills for my tool box as years have gone by. You can too. You are the only person you can control or whose thinking you can change. And you can live a good life even if your son keeps struggling. I hope you see a good therapist and/or go to an online Zoom Family's Anonymous meeting. Look on the internet to find a Zoom meeting. I hope you reach out for help. What you are doing is not sustainable.

I send you love and hugs.

Thank you. You’re right and I think I really needed to read words like yours.

 

[Floundering Mum]

PS I cannot recommend enough the book : Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad, and getting counselling online IMMEDIATELY (I used Betterhelp.) Hugs to you!

Thanks, I’ll try to get hold of it.

 

[Floundering Mum]

Hi, finally managed to log back in, sorry for absence!!
First of all, please re-read Busy's advice above. It, sadly is the truth and I have learned this over the past four years.
If you know my posts you will know you could be me. My son had us all running after him, calling police, crisis team, you name it. He has been threatening suicide since 2018 and acting 'hopeless' since he was 18 (he will soon be 26). First he would stand beside a busy road outside our house. Then he allowed me to see his Google searches of suicide methods. Then he ordered a gas canister and face mask (the mask I intercepted and hid, without his knowledge). The crisis team said he was not depressed. (I do not say your son is the same as mine, nor am I certain that my son will not commit suicide at some point.) The difference is, I have detached myself from his actions. I have accepted that it is his choice and I can do NOTHING to stop him. I got the police to escort him away after a huge argument and he left home for a year, returning because of the pandemic. then it all started again, he would make rope nooses and steal medications to threaten to take. I got the police to escort him out a second time, (he was also being very abusive and threatening.) Two years on, we are in tentative contact and he says he has got some therapy which is helping. I am getting on with my life. I have decided that some young men (and women, but it seems to be mostly men) want to play games, and they KNOW we are not as hard hearted as them. It is us that are the victims of this behaviour. Please be good to yourself and take the focus off your son. I know it is hard. I have a friend who has a similar son who is now 30 and her answer is to keep him by her at the cost of her other son and her husband. They just have to put up with it but they are suffering terribly. I'm trying the other tack, and hoping with support 'at a distance' my son will learn to be independent. Be supportive of your son, help him all you can, but I would advise against giving him a free ride of any kind. It's not good for their development as independent human beings. Just my experience. You need a big hug, you poor hurting Mom.

We knew nothing until his friend called. He acts like all is well, even when it’s not. He’s not good at hiding it, though. If he plans to do it, he won’t tell us first. That’s what I’ve been trying to deal with.
I appreciate your lovely words. I’m seeing a counselor this week and plan to attend a Borderline (BPD) carers’ support group next week.
Hubby and I went to an event yesterday and had a good time. We’re learning that we need to take care of us, individually and as a couple. Baby steps.

 

[Crayola13]

Keeping yourself busy will help. Don’t feel guilty for having fun. It helps with the emotions. Keeping the hands busy is also good. Take a knitting class. When you’re upset, the hours will fly by while knitting. There is just something about keeping the hands busy that helps with stress.

 

[Floundering Mum]

Keeping yourself busy will help. Don’t feel guilty for having fun. It helps with the emotions. Keeping the hands busy is also good. Take a knitting class. When you’re upset, the hours will fly by while knitting. There is just something about keeping the hands busy that helps with stress.

Yes! I love to crochet. Thanks you.

 

[MissLulu]

Hi Floundering Mum, I just wanted to jump on an offer my support. I too have a son with Borderline (BPD) and I'm also in Australia, so we have a couple of things in common. My son is 26 now and still struggling but still here. A few years ago the suicidal threats seemed to be constant, but (thankfully) he never followed through. I don't have any fantastic advice for you, sadly, because I'm still trying to get myself in order, but I do know that posting here helps. I hope you'll hang around.

 

[Floundering Mum]

Hi Floundering Mum, I just wanted to jump on an offer my support. I too have a son with Borderline (Borderline (BPD)) and I'm also in Australia, so we have a couple of things in common. My son is 26 now and still struggling but still here. A few years ago the suicidal threats seemed to be constant, but (thankfully) he never followed through. I don't have any fantastic advice for you, sadly, because I'm still trying to get myself in order, but I do know that posting here helps. I hope you'll hang around.

Thanks MissLulu. I plan to hang around; I've been on as a watcher for several years so it was great to know where to come when things got bad. I'm glad your son is still here.

 

[Nomore]

Your post resonates with me. My 35 yo son is an alcoholic, untreated bi-polar with cluster B personality traits - i.e., borderline, narcassitic, histrionic, sociopathic. He has refused any opportunities for professional help and has threatened violence and suicide many times. It's heartwrenching as a mother to watch your child spiral out of control. We want to protect them no matter their age. What has helped me to better cope is to seek out research into his addiction, mental illness and personality disorder. I also seek advice from those who have adult son with similar issues. It's very hard for most to wrap their heads around Cluster B personality disorder and most advice although well meaning has been unhelpful frankly. I also found a no bullshit therapist that set me straight. As an adult, his life is his own. It isn't illegal to be mentally ill. It isn't illegal to be a drug addict. Cluster B personality disorders can be managed and a borderline can learn to adjust behaviors BUT most do not seek treatment/help. They often think everyone else is the problem. Blame shifting and taking no personal accountability for anything. Pity plays are common with suicide gestures for attention and control. My therapist told me some hard things to face and be prepared for. My son is likely to never to seek help. He's grown comfortable with his homelessness, addiction and antisocial lifestyle. It's working for him. My therapist told me society may not like how my son is living but it is his choice. He may commit suicide. He may go to prison. The road to getting him committed or under conservatorship is nearly impossible and in his professional opinion would be unwise and potentially dangerous for me. As you know, borderlines are often violent and research shows mothers are often targetted as we are blamed for everything that is wrong. His advice was to let go; Go no contact and stay no contact and respect myself for setting boundaries because my son will not respect them. His personality disorder won't let him respect boundaries because then *he* is not in control. In therapy we focus energy on how to live my best life and saving me - on how not to be sucked in to his never ending cycle of abuse and the co-dependency dance (he's very wiley knows how to push buttons to get attention and a rise out of people). My therapist even has gone as far as saying I should move away. Harsh to hear but it was necessary for me. My heart goes out to you. I hope that you can find peace and the strength in yourself to let go.

 

[Nomore]

Your post resonates with me. My 35 yo son is an alcoholic, untreated bi-polar with cluster B personality traits - i.e., borderline, narcassitic, histrionic, sociopathic. He has refused any opportunities for professional help and has threatened violence and suicide many times. It's heartwrenching as a mother to watch your child spiral out of control. We want to protect them no matter their age. What has helped me to better cope is to seek out research into his addiction, mental illness and personality disorder. I also seek advice from those who have adult son with similar issues. It's very hard for most to wrap their heads around Cluster B personality disorder and most advice although well meaning has been unhelpful frankly. I also found a no bullshit therapist that set me straight. As an adult, his life is his own. It isn't illegal to be mentally ill. It isn't illegal to be a drug addict. Cluster B personality disorders can be managed and a borderline can learn to adjust behaviors BUT most do not seek treatment/help. They often think everyone else is the problem. Blame shifting and taking no personal accountability for anything. Pity plays are common with suicide gestures for attention and control. My therapist told me some hard things to face and be prepared for. My son is likely to never to seek help. He's grown comfortable with his homelessness, addiction and antisocial lifestyle. It's working for him. My therapist told me society may not like how my son is living but it is his choice. He may commit suicide. He may go to prison. The road to getting him committed or under conservatorship is nearly impossible and in his professional opinion would be unwise and potentially dangerous for me. As you know, borderlines are often violent and research shows mothers are often targetted as we are blamed for everything that is wrong. His advice was to let go; Go no contact and stay no contact and respect myself for setting boundaries because my son will not respect them. His personality disorder won't let him respect boundaries because then *he* is not in control. In therapy we focus energy on how to live my best life and saving me - on how not to be sucked in to his never ending cycle of abuse and the co-dependency dance (he's very wiley knows how to push buttons to get attention and a rise out of people). My therapist even has gone as far as saying I should move away. Harsh to hear but it was necessary for me. My heart goes out to you. I hope that you can find peace and the strength in yourself to let go.

PS...this friend that told you your son threatened suicide. Could it be your son was seeking out attention and it was a pity play? How well does this friend understand borderline and cluster b personality disorders?

 

[Floundering Mum]

PS...this friend that told you your son threatened suicide. Could it be your son was seeking out attention and it was a pity play? How well does this friend understand borderline and cluster b personality disorders?

Great question and I wondered if that may have been the case, given his relationship with the truth. It wasn’t, though; he really was in a dark place.
Thank you for your kind words of wisdom and empathy. I’m sorry that you’re also on this journey. xo

 

[Nomore]

Great question and I wondered if that may have been the case, given his relationship with the truth. It wasn’t, though; he really was in a dark place.
Thank you for your kind words of wisdom and empathy. I’m sorry that you’re also on this journey. xo

You're welcome. As sick as it sounds, it's a blessing to share our journey as I often feel outside of therapy that no one understands the chaos of "rinse and repeat" and the destruction left in it's wake of the cluster b disordered. It took me years to determine that my son actually believes his revisionist history and lies. I've come to accept this and unless and until he wants help, I am going "GOSO" get out/stay out for my own preservation and peace. Your son is younger and perhaps more willing to gain insight to himself. Look for glimmers of his willingness. Mine unfortunately has now gotten to a point where he no longer can or is unwilling to self reflect; he is like a vampire, incapable of seeing his own reflection and constantly twisting the mirror around to everyone else. Peace be with you.

 

[Will's Dad]

Every time I visit this site, I gain new wisdom and insight. I find so much of my son, and myself, in these stories and posts. We've tried everything. He's 27 now (Autism Spectrum, Bi-polar, Borderline (BPD), PTSD, alcohol, weed, homeless, jobless, verbally abusive, suicidal, delusional, violent and highly manipulative) and I need to let him go. My wife and high functioning adult children cut him out of their lives years ago. Unfortunately, through many years of struggle and disfunction, I've stayed tethered to the madness. This is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. Sending peace and love to you all.

 

[Floundering Mum]

Every time I visit this site, I gain new wisdom and insight. I find so much of my son, and myself, in these stories and posts. We've tried everything. He's 27 now (Autism Spectrum, Bi-polar, Borderline (Borderline (BPD)), PTSD, alcohol, weed, homeless, jobless, verbally abusive, suicidal, delusional, violent and highly manipulative) and I need to let him go. My wife and high functioning adult children cut him out of their lives years ago. Unfortunately, through many years of struggle and disfunction, I've stayed tethered to the madness. This is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. Sending peace and love to you all.

I'm so sorry. I'm glad you've found this site. Sending peace and love back at you.