Both sons in prison/baby mama arrested

[Childofmine]

Tish, hugs...I'm following along and just thinking of you all and praying that strength, clarity and peace come your way.

 

[stressedmama]

Tish, I too am caring for my grandson. He's 3 1/2. Ours is the only home he's ever known. Hubs and I have had him full time for the last 9 months and pretty sure we have him for the duration. I'm 45 and hubs is 56. We have permanent guardianship. We were his only option other than foster care. Our personal choice was that it wasn't a choice. He needed to be with us. Foster care just wasn't an option.

It is tiring. Exhausting. Overwhelming at times. Stressful. A blessing. Joyful. All wrapped up in this wonderful, smart, adorable, loving little boy.

Just know there are others that understand and are here for you to vent to, commiserate with, share the ups and downs, cry with, and laugh with.

Do what's not only right for him, but what's right for you. There's no shame, no judgment.

I agree you should look into whatever assistance is available to you. We too fall outside the income guidelines for any state assistance since we have guardianship. I'm sure if we were fostering, we would have the opportunity for assistance.

We are lucky enough to have my parents (both in their mid-70's) jump in and babysit for a night out here and there. Whatever you do, make sure you make time for you and hubs to spend time together.

Bless you for taking on this responsibility, whether it be permanent or short-term. Hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[tishthedish]

I have been so dreading writing this as I am still feeling like a raw nerve. Grandson has been with us full time since 6/7 and I am exhausted beyond measure. Because of his special needs, this is not a rote repeat of parenting a 4 year old.

For instance, he only wants to go in our front door because that's what door he always came into when he and his dad came to visit. He would be peeking in the window and ringing the doorbell. husband and I would make a big deal of answering and seeing him with "Hi's" and hugs. Well, even now when he comes home with either of us to an empty house he wants to go in that door. It is double bolted from the inside because he is an escape artist. It cannot be opened with just a key. If both of us are with him, one of us has to run into the house through the garage and answer that door. Yesterday I was with him alone and he went to the favored door. I couldn't leave him alone on the front step to run into the house as he could run into the street or into the lake behind our house. He is too fast for me to catch. At school his teachers and aide call him "the Flash". He refused to budge after my gentle and then stern cajoling. He threw himself on the ground, kicked, pinched and bit me hard enough to bring tears to my eyes. He is a big boy...almost 50lbs. I finally was able to lift him and get him to the garage door. My goodness, stuff like this is happening all the time, in the parking lot at the daycare, in the parking lot at the grocery store. MY BODY IS KILLING ME. I hurt all over. And then my heart hurts for him. He is an innocent and doesn't understand what is happening or why. He's in meltdown mode and I'm wrestling with a tiger and usually simultaneously having a hot flash. This is not my 35 year old self raising 2 rambunctious boys. I could do that with one hand tied behind my back. No, at 58, this is a different experience altogether.

He is doing well at school, but is raising hell at daycare. He scratched a little girl yesterday. We have upped his medication through his pediatric neurologist just last week but to no avail. I am on the phone to Dr.s' offices and pharmacies a lot. This is the last daycare in the school district that he hasn't been bounced from yet. We will work hard to make this work. We so need this service.

He is medicated to help him sleep and wets the bed at night. We double diaper him and I bought him what I call "astronaut diapers" a super absorbent specialized brand for bedridden, handicapped children and adults. Even they don't hold him. I am doing laundry constantly. All the jammies, all the bedding, all the blankets and pillows. Anything that touches him as he moves around the twin bed that husband attached to the end of our king for him to sleep in and our king bed that he sometimes squirms into during the night. He is unable to sleep in a room alone. He tears down curtains and breaks closet doors and climbs dressers. We lock ourselves into our stripped-down room with him at night.

I don't know what my son was contending with, something similar I suppose, but he was numbing himself with liquor. I don't have that proclivity and just am raw with fatigue, sadness and anger. And then GS is sleeping and I am overcome with love and a resolve to protect him forever. And then I realize I can't. Difficult Child 2 has joined AA. He seems to like it/appreciate it, but that could be a show for my benefit. I am too tired to parse it.

We have had a parade of DCFS workers calling, sending reams of forms to fill out and coming through the house. There is no end in sight as they are going to hand off the case to an agency that has a higher level of services for our GS's special needs.

So remember I said we would foster him up to one year? According to what I read, his parents have up to 9 months to get their sh#t together. If they don't, then at that time he goes to permanent foster or adoption. Here's the catch, husband talks like we are keeping him forever...like his special needs will evaporate in the sunshine of our love and we will be going through all the regular accomplishments and milestones with him as he ages. Like we did with our own Difficult Child's. That worked out so well. That scenario is so unrealistic. And I had just started to taste the nectar of freedom from the FOG of raising and finally releasing to my higher power and the universe my 2 Difficult Child's.

husband and I have been married 34 years, but if it comes down to me living with both of them or me living without both of them the latter wins.

I never told you this, and it might be edited out by the moderators (I understand if it is) but I had a terrible incident when I was in the depths of despair. Both sons were symptomatic and sucking the very life out of me and when I told husband that I could feel the world folding in on me and I felt the need to get out of there, to get away from home, not for fun or a vacation but for survival, he said, "I'm sick of this. I am just going to take half my money and leave you." In all our years together, we have never threatened that or said the word divorce. We both were from FOO homes that were rife with anger, fights and bitter words. That comment broke something in me and I reacted impulsively. My next conscious moment was when I woke up in the hospital on life support. husband was in tears at my side. I had just wanted the pain to stop, there was just so much pain. When I came to my senses, I swore to myself and my God that I would never let anyone break me down to that level again. There has been a lot of rebuilding since then. Thanks to my therapist, my parish priest, my forgiving God, Al-Anon and myself. husband is scaring me now as he seems to be dismissive of my insistence that we cannot raise our GS. Maybe I should say I cannot. I will not. I don't know what is going to happen. If his parents don't get better what am I going to be faced with? If I refuse to continue this journey, will my marriage survive? If it does, will my husband resent me for not making this sacrifice? If necessary I will leave them all, and not by the methods I had employed before. I will take half of everything (or more damn it, for combat pay) and go live a peaceful existence out of this crazy hurricane of a household. Just thinking about this overwhelms me. So I am STOPPING NOW to focus on today.

Ok. That's the long, long update I was putting off. The good news is I won't have to rewrite it if I decide to include it in a novel. Lord knows I have the material. If it comes to pass, I will put in the acknowledgments a thanks to the CD Warrior Moms and the Kilted Jabber. Over and out.

p.s.
DC1 is still in prison. His parole hearing was delayed and he has called a couple of times. He sounds good. Back on medications. World of difference.

 

[stressedmama]

Oh Tish. I am so sorry for how you're hurting, both physically and emotionally. I am so proud of you for thinking rationally in an irrational situation. You have to take care of you and if that means GS goes to foster care or you take off to the caribbean to start a whole new life, then that's what you should do. You have to do what's best for you so you don't end up in that awful place you were previously.

Hugs for your hurting everything...

 

[BusynMember]

tish, as an ex foster parent of damaged kids, I think you need to take care of yourself and let somebody younger, who is up to parenting a challenging child raise him. He could have fetal alcohol in his brain...or drugs could have affected him. He sounds worse than just autistic, although lower functioning autism can cause this kind of chaos. He is unlikely to ever be easy. Can you take care of him if he needs it beyond age eighteen? I am around your age. I could not do it now, let alone at seventy. Your husband is dreaming as love will not fix possible attachment problems, any fetal alcohol damage, drug abuse damage in utero or autism, severe. I thought love could fix all too and then I got burned. As you may or may not have heard my horrible story about the child we took in at age 11, he molested my two youngest, killed our dogs, and, if our family had not been so strong, he would have destroyed us. I was still young when that happened (well, 40's...I think of that as young...lol). He had been exposed to drugs in utero, neglected/abused as an infant, and was finally diagnosed with extreme Reactive Attachment Disorder. The state said they'd never seen such a severe case and prosecuted him as a child molester a nd he was found guilty. All I k now about him now, as we never wanted to see him again after we found out, is that he was with a woman and had two baby girls.Then I checked his court records, alarmed, and saw, to my relief, mom ran off with the girls. That's all he needs. Two sitting ducks.


Tish, you do what you have to do to save your sanity and health. This is a child that a medical foster home or adoptive home would best handle. They are used to and ask for difficult children. I did not always agree with their methods, but they could cope. Sonic was adopted by us from a medical foster home that had been WONDERFUL. They helped make sure he did not have attachment disorder. He had services from infancy on. I'm guessing your grandson did not, which only makes it harder.

Nobody here can tell you w hat to do. I personally (my own lone opnion) is that you can not parent your grandchild well if it makes you sick and may jeopardize your mental health. If he stays with you for a year that is one year more that this child has a new home and then has to move on to another one, and it gets harder for them, even if they don't have so many challenges.

This is on your son's shoulders, not yours and if you were younger...but you aren't.

Don't do anything rash. Sit back and think. I got this advice from the board and I like it. Then, if you decide you can't do it, sit your husband down and be firm with him. "If you want to do it, then you retire and take full care of him because I would like to...I love him dearly...but I can't do it. If you can't do that, then WE can't do it. I want what's best for him and that is NOT me. Not at this time in my life." Don't apologize. You didn't cause this and I'm 61 and in very good health and that type of drama would be the end of me.If your husband discards your words, he doesn't love you or deserve you enough.

You can ask for visitation. You can't save your grandson. That is for the younger people to do. We can't stick around forever and this little guy will need healthy peeps way after we are not here anymore. People who are maybe now in t their 30's or early 40s.

While you are making up your mind, take advantage of respite and give this child into your husband's care as often as you can so he can see what it's like.

Hugs and wishing you love and luck.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Ok. That's the long, long update I was putting off. The good news is I won't have to rewrite it if I decide to include it in a novel. Lord knows I have the material. If it comes to pass, I will put in the acknowledgments a thanks to the CD Warrior Moms and the Kilted Jabber. Over and out.

I like the kilted Jabber, too. It is exactly the way to picture ourselves taking care of ourselves. I love it that they have no kilts, but march off as confidently as if they do.

I love that part.

:O)

Tish, it would be a thousand times less painful for everyone if you left without your kilt but with all flags flying than if you left and were gone and were never, ever coming back.

I am so glad you are still here with us.

I am glad you told us how it is with you, Tish. Last summer, our now 22 year old grand confessed alcoholism and total life breakdown and nowhere to live and that she needed to come home.

We (I) said no. I thought about it for so long, Tish. I thought about the enabling I had done with my own kids. I thought about this grand (now Baklava grand) when she was little and we homeschooled and algebra was so tough, and I thought about how hard her life had been. But I told her no. She was leading with an illness, justifying things with an illness.

It would have been the wrong thing to do.

She had to work it out herself Tish, and she did. She is doing shockingly, amazingly, unbelievably well. Her life path is absolutely her own in a way it would never have been, had we taken her in.

But we did not know that, then.

Some months prior to Baklava grand's request, our fourteen year old granddaughter wanted us to take her. She had been booted from everywhere. She was uncontrollable. She was living with her mom in a shelter for battered women and her mother was not okay in her thinking or her actions or in any way.

We said no, Tish.

I listened to her cry.

I told her I loved her and that I believed in her and that rang pretty hollow Tish, but I did it.

We knew we could not provide the structure that granddaughter would need.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, to tell her that I would not take her. Always before, we had been prepared to take them if required. Once you hear "alcoholism", or once you hear "rebellious teen" or, as is the case with your little guy, once you hear that there are issues with a child you are preparing to raise, then we have to be very real with ourselves about how and whether and what it would take to do this right. We have to be brutally honest about our chances of changing anything for the kids.

And we have to be brutally honest about how short is the time left us and whether committing to our grands in this way is something we are willing to do with the last years of our health, with the final years of our marriages as we face the loss of one spouse or the other, before the health problems sure to come for both.

I have posted before about my surprise that D H and I managed to stay married. We still cycle through ~ I don't know. It's almost like the bad habits of coming to take one another for granted when things had been so chaotic for so long that all either partner wants to do at the end of the day is fall into the safety of bed and forget that day, so glad it is finally over.

And the next day is the same.

Or the bad habits formed from knowing we have been seen at our most naked, at our most vulnerable and broken. The shame and the loss and the crushed expectations. And there are times for both of us of wanting something, some relationship where those horrible truths are not true; times of wanting to look into the eyes of someone with whom you have never suffered.

Just to walk away.

Sometimes still, I can picture the steering wheel in my hands. I wouldn't even bring anything with me.

Just to go. Just to be done. To learn the end of the story because I left and created a new story, one where everything didn't taste like ashes.

Sometimes, I feel so done with suffering. I am sick of suffering and everything to do with it.

The last thing I could tell you Tish is that it was ~ I felt like such a dufus. I am always all about sending things in the mail and loving from a distance and etc. This felt like fraud. It felt like "Grandma I need you; I have no home and I need you."

And I said no.

It was a hard thing.

I still don't know the end of it.

But I do know I could not have raised the fourteen year old successfully. She ran from the brother who was willing to take her. She is back with her mom, now. Had we taken either the mom or either grand, we would have them all, now.

It's an ugly, ugly story.

You can be a grandmother, a loving, affirming presence in your grand's life. That, you can do well. What you cannot do Tish is raise a child, now. Certainly, you cannot, in all good faith, raise a special needs child to your own standards of good parenting. It will be kinder in the long run to help the child find appropriate safe harbor and to love him the way a grandmother loves. Perfectly, non-judgmentally, with the warmth and wisdom come of age and time and distance.

There is a stark need for that kind of love in your grand's life I think, Tish.

Anyone with proper training and adequate commitment can provide custodial care for this child who requires so much time and effort for every smallest detail of the physical aspects of life.

Only you can be his grandmother; only D H can love him and teach him and be manly with him the way a grandfather can.

In those roles, you two are irreplaceable.

If you assume the role of custodial caregiver Tish, then you cannot be the grandparents this little boy needs even more than he needs physical cares.

It is a hard decision Tish, but I don't see that you or your D H has a choice.

For your grand's sake too, as well as for the sake of your and D H marriage, I would begin the process of foster care and would move into that reality as soon as possible, for everyone's sake.

Reality is harsh. We have to face right up to it.

I am so glad you are still here with us, Tish.

I would have missed you so.

Cedar

 

[Childofmine]

Tish, each of us has a breaking point, and it is very healthy to recognize when you are at that breaking point. It sounds like you are.

There is no shame in determining what we can do and what we can't do. It's not what we WANT, it's what we CAN.

I know it's painful...I can hear it in your writing...and you have tried. This is not your place and your time to take this on.

I am learning more and more to say what works for me. If people don't like it, I am sorry. But all I can do is live my life the best I can. I am a giver and I will give and give to people. But at some point, when it's not healthy for me or for them, I have to stop.

Tish, it's okay. Please get the professional help you need, a therapist, to walk with you on this path. Let that person facilitate the conversation with you and your husband. If your husband wants to take this on, he can. That is his right. But he needs to be fully aware of what that means, the full scope of it.

I'm just so sorry that you are in this spot at this moment in time. It is very hard, I can see. To go either way is very hard.

You've already been at the breaking point once, and I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing that with us. We will honor that bad, bad time in your life. I'm so glad you see that you're not going back there, because today, you know you are valuable enough and you have a right to decide what and how you will live.

Our DCs make all kinds of bad decisions, and then it's "up to us" to pull them back. Not. We can't pick up all of the slack for other people. We just can't.

I'm 58 too, Tish. I in no way want to raise another child. I'm even ready for the cat to go! small joke there.

Please keep sharing with us! We are here for you. We care and we understand.

 

[Copabanana]

MY BODY IS KILLING ME. I hurt all over. And then my heart hurts for him. He is an innocent and doesn't understand what is happening or why.

How hard Tish. It must feel like having to choose between an arm or a foot. Your heart or your soul.

No, at 58, this is a different experience altogether.

It would be for all of us.

"I'm sick of this. I am just going to take half my money and leave you." In all our years together, we have never threatened that or said the word divorce.

Everybody has their breaking point, Tish. He could not say it, but your husband must have been there.

husband is scaring me now as he seems to be dismissive of my insistence that we cannot raise our GS. Maybe I should say I cannot. I will not. I don't know what is going to happen.

Tish, you can only decide for yourself and speak for yourself. Sooner rather than later, I think. Your husband can decide for himself. He cannot decide for you. You know where you stand. The talking needs to happen.

You know you will not sacrifice yourself. But you do not need to go anywhere near there. Nowhere near there. You are clear. Your limits are clear. Your needs are clear. You know what you can and cannot do.

I echo what Cedar said. He needs his grandparents to be who they are. Not worn out custodians or caretakers.

Finally, think about this, Tish. The best case is that your son gets it together. This time. But by taking over with parenting obligations, you may set a precedent. Future slip ups may not seem so serious if he knows that Mom and Dad will step in and step up to handle it. Your grandson will be older...and the disruption to his life will be greater. He will know more. And suffer more. You will too.

If your grandson goes to a medically trained foster home, not only would he likely be better off. More comfortable. Calmer. Safer. There would be other kids, most likely. And he would have you and your husband to visit, like before. You would be there for him.

As important, your son would get the picture. Just what the stakes are. That there is no room for screwing up. And if he does, what the consequences are. The direction of his child's life is at stake. With or without him.

Tish, I was one of those people who adopted a special needs child. He was my dream come true. However hard it was, it was worth it a million times over. But I was almost 20 years younger than you are now. And my son was not autistic.

And I had not gone through what I have gone through in the past 10 years with my son as you have with two. I am not the same woman. Not one bit. These things change us.

All of us are with you, Tish. I am so glad you are here with us.

PS

On a practical note. There are bed pads you can buy. They are quilted on the top with a rubber type lining on the bottom. You can get them big enough to fit across the width of the bed. Look on Walmart.com, they sell a good one. They are blue on one side, white on the other. My Mother was incontinent at the end. With the pads you didn't have to change the bed so frequently.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Oh boy Tish. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry this is all happening to you now.

As a grandmother who took on my granddaughter at age 57...and whose husband left me when I made that choice........I can absolutely empathize with you.....

I am so so sorry.

Here are my 2 cents......to me it sounds as if you are very, very clear on your boundaries, you are not willing nor are you able, to raise your grandson. That is the reality. Your husband cannot or will not see the reality. Before this gets more complex and more time goes by, it seems prudent to address your husband directly and clearly. "This is the reality, this is what I am not willing to do. What are YOU willing to do? OK, now that we've addressed that, exactly what are the real options here?"

As hard at it is, your GS is going to need special care, and you are NOT the person to give it, so other options are going to have to come in to play now. But none of it will begin until you make it clear that you are not going to do it. Your husbands response to that is unfortunate, but you still have to follow what is best for you.

Raising a child at our age is tough. Raising a special needs child at our age is going to devastate your life Tish......you can already see that and that is the truth........tell your truth and put yourself as the priority now. Take it one step at a time......you already know what you want, now it's communicating that and finding options.

You are in a terrible predicament. That does NOT negate that you need to be true to yourself.

Take care of you. Keep posting, it helps. We're here.

 

[BusynMember]

tish...RE is right, but it's more than it will ruin your life. It will ruin any chance HE has too. He needs more than somebody our age can give him and more time than we have as being able to chase and handle him.

Just a few thoughts.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Just checking in Tish to see how you are this morning. No need to respond.

Know we are all right here, okay?

Cedar

 

[tishthedish]

Hi Cedar and everyone. I have been running from place to pace, making calls, scheduling appointments, doctor visits, school meetings all for the benefit of Camden. We are doing our best and are exhausted.
But the longer we do it the easier it gets. I am still standing in my truth that we will do this for the maximum of one year. Hubby is starting to come along. He is seeing that GS isn't in need of more discipline or routine ( thought we provide structure). His condition is his condition. I think we both entertained in the back of our minds that if we could get a hold of him and set things to right that he would blossom. Not so fast Tish! I can honestly say that I don't know how my son did this while working full time with a long commute, running a household and keeping up with GS medical needs...on a tight budget. He has his own bag of tricks. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Tourette, alcholism. It just hit the fan. And there are days when I want to run out of the house screaming and sobbing I can't go on and the next day I can't imagine him elsewhere. I still stand firm on the 1 year thing. If his folks can't get it together then he will have to go to special placement. Hopefully we can be involved. I'll keep in touch when I can. And THANK for all the support. I must have read through everything at least 8 times. What a special caring group of women you are.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

We are doing our best and are exhausted.
But the longer we do it the easier it gets. I am still standing in my truth that we will do this for the maximum of one year. Hubby is starting to come along. He is seeing that GS isn't in need of more discipline or routine ( thought we provide structure). His condition is his condition. I think we both entertained in the back of our minds that if we could get a hold of him and set things to right that he would blossom.

The truth is a difficult thing. It takes forever to verify all the parts that cannot possibly be true.

But they are true. And once we can see it, that changes everything about how well we think we are doing. Once we can see ourselves as people functioning well in highly stressful situations instead of as people somehow just not able to do what seems so easy for everyone else, we humans can do just about anything we commit to, I think.

This is a good plan, Tish.

You sound very well too, and I am happy for you about that.

Do you think, once you have your routines well established, that you and D H might be able to find respite care for you grandson, and take a weekend away once in awhile?

Cedar