I think that we can meld the two, but I would not use the word forgiveness. I see it as making very strong boundaries and keeping them and at the same time taking responsibility to understand that these parent-child relationships trigger old hurts and their resurrection brings forth the opportunity to heal. (And I am making the distinction between the parent child relationship and all other relationships.)The mothers here that only accepted phone calls once a week, or had no contact for a few months or even years were still in relationship with their child. But they were not governed by it. And they were not dashed to the rocks, by every word and deed of that child. Some reached a point where they felt peace and control. I see this as an inner state of mind that is independent of severing the relationship or not.The kind of forgiveness that is given to another person because they have earned it and shown that they have truly changed. The forgiveness that mends the relationship.
And the kind of forgiveness we offer to someone who cannot or will not change, on our way out the door. The forgiveness that restores our peace.
Still, I think you may be ascribing intent that may not be there. The anecdotes you mentioned, the pee, and picking out the weaker kid--concern me. But still I am wondering if he really means to hurt you to the extent you hurt.I will accept that he's not the loving, caring victim of dual diagnosis illness I've always thought of him as. There is a mean, vindictive streak I blamed on mental illness.
Yes.his violence was never when sober. It was only when high. Does that matter?
Look. I worked in psychiatry in prison. There are psychologists and psychiatrists that give this diagnosis automatically. To everybody. Just because they arrived in prison. This is crazy.the sociopath diagnosis
You have described a very close bond between the two of you. You know your son.But I never, and don't believe it applies to my son. Prisons are full of sociopaths and I've known one or two
The bottom line for me is that it is painful to be in contact, it is the logical thing to back off. Not to have any effect on him, but just because we don't touch hot stoves when we are smart. I would consider him a hot stove. Will he cool down? Hopefully. But that is not the case now.
You have a choice to see the situation this way, devoid of all of the other baggage, from your mother, and that life dealt you. You can look at it, from a neutral position. And let him stew in his own juice.
You set a boundary. He doesn't like it. He's lashing out. It is not good for you. You move yourself away from the hot stove. It doesn't have to be more complicated than that.