Are your girls together, Leafy?
Would you feel comfortable posting a little about them?
My two were once very close. I think the addiction caused them to eventually betray one another in various forms and instances. They are not together. The last I knew, they despised one another, each saying the others choice of drug was worse.
How interesting, to eventually point fingers at one another in the blame game. They did not look at themselves, only each other. Perhaps in horror, for each was reflecting the others image that they were trying to avoid in the first place. Huh
There was a conversation on P.E. some time back, about the Hero's Journey. About the destiny of each of our children, and of each of us as parents, and our dreams, and our brokenness. About how those pieces could possibly fit together. I think that may have been the conversation where we touched on that concept of "the joy underlying all things".
Yes Cedar, I have had to look at this as a path they are taking. I will not awfullize about it. If I have faithfully given them back to their Maker, in my saying 'Here Lord, please take them and watch over them, for I cannot solve this."
Then, I must believe they are on a journey to their enlightenment. One day the pieces will fit.
Gone.
Ouch.
Ouch that word, Leafy.
That is the worst word.
How to put a life together around the real of that terrible word.
Actually, I was writing of the feelings of hopelessness and the desperation, gone. My d cs are out there. I have had no contact for four months now. I am quite the opposite of Feelings experience. I do not think of all of the what ifs and so on. Not to say Feeling is wrong, we all have to go through our own emotions. Gone in the sense that all of the worry and pain and frustration, is gone.
Now to set my house right, and rebuild. That was the sense of the true story I wrote about when the flash floods came and ripped away in an instant, everything we had planted.
The flood is the drugs, really. What we had built with our d cs was ripped away by drugs.
We could not sit by and wait for the National Guard to come and save us Cedar, we had to dig ourselves out of the mess. When they did come, they were shocked at what we had accomplished. They said that other folks had sat in their homes, waiting to be rescued.
My d cs on drugs was a mess in my home. I suppose I had to go through enabling to realize that, to grow from it, to understand that I was not helping them. I could not help them.
Just as I could not stop the rains and the path of the water and the massive mudslide, and the gorge.
But I could dig myself out. Rebuild, replant. I did not do that without help. You folks have helped me tremendously in the digging out.
Seen in this way that holds no answer and no longer even poses any questions, it could be a possible thing that what is happening to our kids is their Hero's Journey. I wonder if I can find words to catch the nuances, here. Not that we see their suffering or our own and rationalize it through some weird fatalism, but that we consider that thinking about the hero's journey and about what it is we all are doing here as we go about our lives. This thinking helped me let go of the bitterness in it, just a little.
Heros Journey, that puts a positive light on it. Huh.
It helps me with that, to think of what my children have lost in that way of the Hero's Journey, Leafy. When I am very heartbroken, it helps me to think of it that way.
It is a good way Cedar. The Prodigal Son. I just wrote a post where Carolita was mentioning Naranon, and how they say the end result in addiction could be death.
Isn't that also the end result of life?
Hello. It is like telling someone,
"Well, you have put on some weight, haven't you?
I be like "What, do you think I do not have a mirror?"
That is my snarky surfer mode, by the way. Once I was out surfing and I was a bit chunky. One of my surfer buds in his greeting, looked at my rotundness and remarked 'What sistah, you going have one moa?"
I snapped back with a smile "No brah, I am not
pregnant,
just fat, and you have learned
not to ask the forbidden question."
I laughed and paddled away.
But that is another story.
Certainly, our troubled kids are responding to challenges that are horrific in their destructive power.
There is so much pain in it for us and for them and there is loss of integrity and dignity, finally. And there is no laughter in our homes or in our hearts anymore and then, the kids come clear. And they have lost the time of preparation, and they have nothing and we have nothing left to give. Another layer of dyspeptic pain ~ like, a sour stomach compared to an amputation, but pain, nonetheless.
Yes the pain Cedar, it is horrible, but I am learning to move past that.
Like the pain of childbirth. I gave birth naturally, to each of my children. I suppose all of this is like the pain of childbirth, it is unimaginable to one who has not experienced it, but surpassable through breathing techniques, visualization and movement. Hospitals force us to stay in bed during childbirth, it is the most asinine thing. To force one to be still in that much pain, when gravity and movement and distraction is what a birthing mother needs. Distraction and focus at the same time.
And then the child is born, and all of the previous suffering melts away with the glory of them held in our arms.
I shall think on this Cedar.
The Heros Journey.
Yes, my children are discovering themselves.
Interesting to compare that I chose to birth naturally, to keep drugs from harming my unborn babes, and here they are as adults on a self discovery with drugs.
The organs of regeneration; of hope.
Gone.
I do want you to understand that when I mentioned gone, I meant the pain, the guilt, the feeling that I could fix them, gone.
So, that is the dream that was so real to us. That is what is gone, that is what we mourn. A thing that never was. We chart a different course, but since we never once envisioned ourselves in this strange and crummy land we don't even know which way to go.
So we will just take a step, then.
My step is that I have given my children over to God. I must think of the glory and power of his being, and that he will look after my d cs on their journey, and help them, guide them in a way I never could. For they are adults, and they must learn to rely on themselves and a higher power.
So, our steps will be in the direction of health and of strength and we will let go of outcome.
Yes Cedar, we have to look at health and strength, take care of ourselves.
We used to call our troubled children Gifts From God, Leafy. It was funny, and it described our frustration, but also a truth. I am glad to be reminded sometimes how immovable is the place in the heart that we live from, when our children suffer.
Yes Cedar, they suffer, suffering can be thought of as the fire that hones us. There is much to be learned from suffering. Not that I would wish it on anyone or myself, but there is a lesson in everything.
That's the answer, Leafy, the beacon. Where we want to get.
Gratitude, "Lest I grow cold, and let his ugly behaviors devour me."
The beacon, the light house. I see it clearly and we must make our way there. We are making our way there. Look at Feelings latest posts, and Copas, and yours. What a journey we have been on together.
I am thankful every day for finding CD.
I am thankful for my warrior sisters.
Amen
leafy
we go through that eventually enriches us because we will not allow it to break us down?
