Countdown to Job Corps...Will he make it?

[Lil]

So...there's over 140 replies on the last thread. I think that it's time for another, huh?

Today we learned that he's scheduled to be at Job Corps in Chicago on May 26. Having expected 4 to 5 weeks, suddenly having less than two was a bit of a shock. I called him tonight when he got off work and asked him what he thought. He already knew, apparently he'd gotten another call before the woman who called me. His first remark was expected, "I don't see how I can get 40 hours of community service done in 11 days!" So I told him that I'd asked the Job Corps woman and she'd said he could do it there and they'd certify his regular campus duty as community service, but to increase his chances for the judge to approve it, he better do as much as he could before next Wednesday when I can talk to the judge. He plans to meet the property manager tomorrow at church. He hasn't been able to get started yet. His first day was supposed to be yesterday and he worked extra and wasn't feeling well (he said). Today he couldn't meet up until noon because the property manage volunteers at the hospital until then...but he worked 1 to 8:30.

I asked him if he's excited or freaked out about it coming so quickly. He said a little of both. That's not surprising. I would be too. He thought he'd have more than twice the time to get ready.

So...will he back out? That's the question of the day.

Time will tell. For now I guess we'll act as though it's a done deal and try to get his apartment cleaned, see how much community service he gets done, and get myself ready for surgery...he leaves 4 days after. I wonder if I'll feel well enough to drive an hour and a half to the airport.

 

[pasajes4]

I hope he goes through with this plan. You guys deserve a break from his drama.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

For now I guess we'll act as though it's a done deal and try to get his apartment cleaned, see how much community service he gets done, and get myself ready for surgery...he leaves 4 days after. I wonder if I'll feel well enough to drive an hour and a half to the airport

I am glad he can be there too, when you have your surgery.

Holding good thoughts for you, Lil.

Cedar

 

[Tanya M]

Keeping good thoughts for all of you.

Just a thought, it might be nice to get him a card wishing him well and include a letter. Nothing to deep just affirming to him that he can do this and that you love him.

While our Difficult Child can be ever so exasperating deep down they still want to know they are loved.

 

[Lil]

Just a thought, it might be nice to get him a card wishing him well and include a letter. Nothing to deep just affirming to him that he can do this and that you love him.

Well, IF he goes.

That is looking questionable to me. He blew off community service again today. We got to the church and not a window washed, the bucket with window washing solution, etc., hasn't been touched...it's been sitting there three days now. I texted him and he says he plans on coming tomorrow...after work. He works to 4. Really? So he'll get a couple hours and I'm sure he'll plan on us being there the whole time. Not going to happen. I have to work a full day tomorrow trying to get caught up enough before my surgery. I will probably have to work Sunday too.

He's giving me nothing to go to the judge with. Nothing at all.

 

[Tanya M]

He's giving me nothing to go to the judge with. Nothing at all.

Lil you have made a generous offer to him in your willingness to speak to the judge on his behalf. If he blows this it's on him. There is nothing more you can do. You have gone above and beyond what many would do.
I know how frustrating it is when they have an opportunity to get their life on track and they don't put forth the effort.

You just need to focus on you and what you need to do before your surgery.

 

[pasajes4]

When/if the hits the fan, you will have nothing to feel guilty about. You and Jabber have given him every chance to launch into adulthood. I kinda suspect that he is going to make a token effort to do his community service. He might even think that you will falsify his actual time.

 

[Childofmine]

Lil I know this is so hard to watch and impossible to understand.

The one piece of value here is he is showing you very clearly who he is right now. When people show us who they are, over and over and over, it allows us to learn how to stop.

This is one more piece of your road to stopping.

This doesn't mean he will always be this person but it is who he is today.

It is still hard. Hang in there.

 

[Lil]

You have gone above and beyond what many would do.

Yep. I was thinking about this yesterday; all we've done. Even after kicking him out, we did things for him at the shelter. He got kicked out of there and we rented the apartment. He got arrested and I went to court so he wouldn't go to jail. He didn't get a job and we paid the rent. He didn't pay his fees and I went back to court and got an extension AND worked out a community service so he wouldn't have to pay for it. Me. I did all those things. What has he done?

I'm not the one who committed a crime. I'm not the one who should do a damn thing!

I'm not doing anymore. My last text to him last night...when he didn't bother to call me back when I specifically asked him to to work out a time today...was to call his dad today before he went to work to figure out a time since I have to work. He goes to work in 50 minutes and has not called. I don't care.

He might even think that you will falsify his actual time.

Not going to happen. He's been told it's not going to happen. End of story.

The one piece of value here is he is showing you very clearly who he is right now.

Yes. And I continually wonder how I raised such a worthless, lazy person.

This doesn't mean he will always be this person but it is who he is today.

I certainly hope not. Today I don't have a lot of hope though.

 

[pasajes4]

My therapist told me that a solid clue to knowing whether I was enabling or helping was if I was working harder than he was, and did I resent it. I was and I did. The most that I will do now that he is an 18 year old adult ( cough cough) is to present him with a list of resources. I will do that once. The rest is up to him.

 

[Tanya M]

Yes. And I continually wonder how I raised such a worthless, lazy person.

Lil, one thing I have learned is the choices our Difficult Child make has nothing to do with how we raised them. My husband and I raised our son in a loving home. We went to church as a family. Our son wanted for nothing. We taught him right from wrong. We gave him household chores and paid him an allowance. We took family vacations.

I will never understand just how he ended up the we he did. I do believe genetics plays a huge role as he turned out just like his bio-father even though bio-father dropped out of the picture when he was 4.

You and I are alike in that we have the one and only child so we have no other children to compare to. I know people who do have more than one child, all raised the same and 2 are very successful and on is a Difficult Child.

Do not carry any blame for how he has turned out. I know that you and Jabber raised him with morals and values that he is choosing not cultivate.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I know that you and Jabber raised him with morals and values that he is choosing not cultivate.

And that alone is disturbing and insulting beyond belief. It shows a complete lack of respect for us. But then that's the crux of the problem, isn't it? If he could respect us he could respect himself and if he respected himself, he would at least be trying.

 

[Lil]

Yes Tanya - Our situation is much alike. Mines biodad dropped out the picture when he turned 5. I married Jabber 3 days after his birthday and he never saw biodad again. I think he sent him a post card after that.

I KNOW I didn't raise him this way. Jabber and I didn't set this example. Jabber had often worked two jobs during our marriage and I am sitting in my office now...and really will sign off and get to work right after this.

I will go to court Wednesday because I said I will. The judge will do what he will. I'm done prompting. It does no good. He said he intends to work at the church after 4. He can't without someone there and that's supposed to be us. It's up to Jabber if he wants to go work (we've got a couple hours left for the week) late enough to let the boy work.

I would, since there's no set times for us and it doesn't hurt anything to do it late. But as we've established, I'm an enabler.

 

[Tanya M]

I'm an enabler.

But you are in the process of changing that and that, dear Lil is a good thing.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Relax honey! Other than washing the doors, everything can be done later.

 

[Lil]

Other than washing the doors, everything can be done later.

And, like the windows, they can be done until it gets dark.

Getting work done now.

 

[BusynMember]

Our kids almost never turn out to be who we tried to make them be unless they are afraid of us.

Most walk to their own beat. Sometimes it is admirable. Sometimes it isn't.

They see more than us. They are in school. They look at their peers. They watch television and get ideas. They have the internet. And there is that very nasty but potent DNA that makes some adopted kids act and think exactly like their biological parents that they often never saw in their lives. Or like the sperm donor that Son hasn't seen since he was five. He still carries his lovely genes (50% of them). Ugh, I know.

You didn't raise your son to be this way. But he's this way anyway. It's not your fault. His brain wiring did not accept the messages you were giving him. Instead he was not taking his upbringing seriously. But you tried That makes you a good parent.

We have zilch control over the results of our adult children unless we beat them with a leather belt every day. Most are more DNA than their environment, which can be painful.

 

[Lil]

We have zilch control over the results of our adult children unless we beat them with a leather belt every day.

Can I start now??? Can I please??? I'd LOVE to beat him, just a little bit!!! ​

​

 

[tishthedish]

Lil,
I feel your pain. The anticipation of their failure to fulfill promises is as agonizing as the reality.

My kids thought that I was the inventor of cruel and unusual punishment. When my younger son would miss the bus and then ask that I drop him off at school up the hill so he wouldn't be seen with me, I'd comply. As he exited the vehicle, I'd pretend I was fiddling with the radio or looking for a piece of gum in my purse and give him a quick good-bye. Then I'd stealthily cruise through the parking lot and just as he joined his peer group, I'd roll up behind him HONK!!!! and roll the window down and yell out like a fishwife (and Kojak), "Who loves ya, baby???" He turned the color of a Beefeater tomato. His friends roared. I laughed so hard on the way home I could hardly keep my car on the road.

I did a similar thing to my D H when we were newlyweds. (Don't judge,Jabber) My husband went golfing often and would say he'd be home at say 7 p.m. I'd have dinner ready, etc. Well, over and over again he would get back a lot later, and with no phone call. I didn't mind the solitude. I was working full time and we only had one TV so it was kind of a treat. But, even then, I was a worrier. So I pictured him in a car accident, golf cart explosion, drowned in a water hazard, maimed by a rabid goose. One night when he finally rolled in I gave him the silent treatment. He had enjoyed some brews on the 19th hole and there was no way I was going to nag. He went and sat in the living room and started hectoring me, "What are you so mad about? I was out with my friends. I work hard and am entitled to some fun. What's your problem?" I was in the kitchen microwaving the spaghetti and meatballs I had so lovingly prepared hours before. While waiting for the beep, I took a piece of now very crusty garlic bread I had baked for him and held it at a level where our collie could lick it over and over and over. I silently walked to the living room with his hot supper and what looked like a "buttery" piece of garlic bread lovingly placed just so on his plate. As I handed it to him he was STILL spouting off...but once I saw him sink his teeth into that soggy piece of dough, all my anger dissipated. I started laughing so hard I had to crawl down the hall on my hands and knees towards our bedroom. Confused by my behavior, in his hazy mental state, he started yelling, "You're crazy. Look at you. You've gone mad!" That made me laugh all the harder. The collie was hot on my heels as he had so recently been the benefactor of my misbehavior. I just told D H about this 5 years ago. He said, "Never noticed. Tasted fine to me!" He so gets me. Goodness, I love that man of mine.

Soooo....in the Tish book of grime and punishment, I would probably go write on the church windows that D C son was a nose-picker or was a Justin Beiber fan...a Belieber? Yes, a Belieber. Even if the windows never got washed, I'd be bathed in endorphins after the belly laugh I got due to my immaturity and moronic sense of humor.

Hope I made you smile. Sincerely Lil, I hope things work out. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you in days to come.

 

[Lil]

Wow.

I'm kinda sorry I posted that funny...because it's not. Right now, if he were here, I think I'd do violence to him. I could actually beat him. Maybe choke. Choking him like Homer chokes Bart sounds good.

He's not going to the church. He called and he's all down and depressed. He says he feels like cr@p and "it's all he could do to go to work." He didn't respond to my texts because his phone's been off. He didn't call the church property manager yesterday and I just...I feel sick.

He also didn't call Job Corps. Told me his phone was dead. Funny how that works...since he texted me at noon yesterday and it wasn't dead then. And wasn't dead when he was texting last night. Apparently it only dies when I might want to actually speak to him. He's turning it off.

He started in on how he won't get it done and etc. I said I'm 99% SURE the judge will let him go - he just has to show he's made a start!!! Fact is, he's freaked out about going to Job Corps in 10 days. He thought he had a month or more.

Either way, he has to do his community service. He had the nerve to bi*ch about that. Can you imagine? I told him, "I didn't put you in this position. But I'm the one that got this worked out for you. I'm the one who went back to court and got you and extension. I'm the one willing to go AGAIN to church to get you yet another extension and permission to go. What have you done?" He is SO sorry he's failed me. (said sarcastically) I said, "You aren't failing me - you're failing yourself!"

I told him you're a grown man, do what you want.

That led to more "I don't have a choice" and "I have no one to even say goodbye to because no one wants me" and bunches of other bs.

Oh, and I had to call Jabber and tell him he wasn't coming, because HE wouldn't do it. And yes, at that point I lost it and told him he was too much of a (name that's better suited to a cat) to call his own father! He said, "because I don't want him to yell and me...etc." and I said, "WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?" Really? What did he think Jabber would do over the PHONE? He acts like the man beats him and he's never laid a hand on him! WTH?

He doesn't want to go to Job Corps - he just doesn't think he has a choice. I can't say he's wrong. He doesn't have any good choices. He has no where to live because the people he is with are counting the days to him leaving. He has no friends. He has no relatives that would take him in. He has a little part-time job and not enough money to rent his own place. He can't go to the shelter until January since he got kicked out. He's literally without options beyond sleeping on the street.

AND NONE OF THIS IS MY FAULT!

That he's wasted the last seven months he's been out of our house and he took up with these useless "friends" and ALL of it - NOT my FAULT!

I'm so angry I'm just livid.