Creating a life of my own while worrying...

[SeaGenieTx]

After I found out my son got in trouble with the law for the 4th time, I changed the locks (again) and told him I was fed up, disappointed, disgusted, betrayed and I did not want a relationship until he grew up, got a job or enrolled in school. He was living with me and taking advantage of me, disrespecting me, not following my rules. I told him no drugs or drug paraphernalia in my home, no inviting friends over when I was at work, must pay me rent of $150 a month.

He continued to bring in pot, pipes, pills, invite his friends over during the day to "dab" and smoke pot. I surprised him and a buddy when I came home early for lunch and before I opened my door I could smell the skunk weed smell. Walked in and he and buddy where in his room high, his buddy wouldn't even look at me, I told them both to leave. Of course he denied smoking anything.

Week before last he showed up with a new haircut, all nice, neat and trimmed up. He looked good. I was glad he got rid of that mess on his head that was all in his face. He bought some new clothes and said he was headed out of town to visit his girlfriend for a couple of days. Come to find out, he cleaned himself up because he had to appear in court for a recent run in with the law for driving without a license/insurance and possession of drug paraphernalia. He paid over $600 for all three charges. I found out because I have access to his bank account and can see all of his transactions. The $600 payment to Guadalupe County Courthouse got my attention. I went to their website, entered his name under criminal records search and there he was with those three charges. He was driving his girlfriend's mom's car and got pulled over. Shortly before that charge his bank account showed he spent $200 at a smoke shop. So he bought his pipes or bongs or whatever, drove like an idiot and got pulled over and cops must have done a search. I still don't know the whole story.

Finding out about this killed me. I thought he got a haircut & new clothes because he was cleaning himself up for once and wanted to finally look presentable and not like a bum on the street. Wishful thinking - he did it for his court appearance.

My son is living off an inheritance he got recently from his late father's side of the family. In a matter of a month he has blown over $10k after paying off his uncle, cell phone bill, credit card bills, etc. He is withdrawing hundreds daily, spending it on food, Uber car rides, smoke shops, clubs, and now since I kicked him out he is buying clothes at resale shops (instead of asking me to pack up his clothes for him to pick up).

I kicked him out and screamed at him over the phone that he was never going to disrespect me again and how disgusted I was with him draining his inheritance (that was supposed to help him buy a new car and get his life on track). He hung up on me. He stayed out of town at his girlfriends since I discovered his court date and charges. It's been over a week and he has been in Austin with other friends. Made no attempts to contact me. He is just draining the remaining $20K he has on crap. I want to call his uncle and tell him they should hold the rest of his inheritance (he is supposed to get more in 6 mos.) because he can't control his spending, isn't acting responsible and his life is centered around pot/drugs and partying.

Should I just stay out of it, let him continue on this path and let him blow all that money? He refused to pay me $150/mo. in rent yet can blow $200 at smoke shops. Living with me all I did was do his laundry (because I didn't want him screwing up the washing machine). I didn't provide food (he had to get his own) and I didn't clean his room (he never cleaned it - it's gross). I went thru his room and threw a bunch of crap away, torn down his pot posters, trashed pot pipes and bongs, small bags of leftover pot, and then just walked out and closed his door. He left his laptop, suitcase and clothes so he wasn't planning on being gone long but I told him not to come back until he had a job or was in school.

I also told him I told our neighborhood Constable about him and if he tried coming back while I wasn't home he would be arrested (I didn't but I wanted to scare him at the time because I was so angry). Locks are changed, he has no key, and he can't break in.

In his mind I'm blowing this all out of proportion, his recent charges won't go on his record (funny but if I found it online - it's on his record for the rest of the world to see). My son became a pothead shortly after he graduated high school. He wrecked the car I gave him, couldn't keep a job more than a month or two, ended up being arrested and in jail 3 times, I supported him and bailed him out all three times. Now he has screwed up again but didn't tell me, he thinks I'm delusional and blowing it all out of proportion. Last time he came back home I told him only if he respected me and followed me rules. He betrayed me.

It's the most hurtful feeling in the world to know my only family, my son, could care less about his own mother and after devoting my life to him for 23 years this is what I get in return. I lost my husband, parents and brothers, and now I'm losing my son to drugs. I'm crushed and heartbroken but trying so hard to "detach" and create a life of my own (as everyone on here has recommended).

I'm so scared I will get a call that he has overdosed or been in a serious car accident or thrown in jail for something serious. I do not understand how he can not see that he is ruining his life. I've talked to him so many times but he ignored me. His goal in life right now seems to get high, hang out with friends, party all night and repeat that day after day. Wasting thousands, treating me like ****, thinking a long rap sheet of misdemeanor pot & paraphernalia possession charges are no big deal. He will never get a decent job (he is almost 24 with no steady work history and a criminal history). He will never pass a drug test or stop smoking long enough to keep pot out of his system.

I fear for his life. If I lose him I don't know if I'd be able to go on. I've been thru enough. I'm trying to stay strong but to have loved my son more than life and lived my life for him only to face this at an age he and I should be friends and enjoying life... I'm distraught. Do I keep staying detached? I screamed at him and told him he destroyed our relationship... I've always been the bigger person and reached out to him but I'm trying to make him realize his mother is fed up and can't do this anymore so I'm not contacting him.

He is ok - he is partying, hanging out at the river with friends, having a good ol time (Instagram) and obviously not worrying about me. I think he is heavily into weed and pills, he and his girlfriend have done WhipIts so who knows what all they are doing. I just pray it's not meth or heroin.

I'm going to start boxing up his room and bagging his clothes. He is either too scared to call me or he is trying to show me he doesn't need his clothes, laptop, since he has money he can buy new stuff. I am trying not to worry but it's so hard.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi SeaGenie,

Well it's good that you kicked him out. He's 23 and should be taking care of himself.

As for the inheritance, it's his to do with as he pleases. Even if you contacted the uncle I doubt there is much the uncle could do to withhold the rest unless there was something in the will. Yes, it's a real shame that he's blowing through this money and some day he will look back and realize or not that he made a huge mistake, but it's his mistake to make.

There is really nothing more that you can do for him.

I think cleaning out his bedroom is a good thing. If it were me, I would turn that room into something else, a nice guest room, an exercise room, a craft room, anything but his room.

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. Lean into it, feel it and move on from it. Don't let this pain define you. You have survived so much in your life already, now is your time, do the very best things for you.

I know you're trying not to worry and I know how hard that is. It takes time and the amount of worry grows less. I will be honest, it never completely goes away but it does become less, more manageable. It takes effort to not let it consume us. That is why it is so important to get out and live your life for yourself.

You are moving in the right direction.

Thanks for the update and sharing. I'm glad you are here with us.

 

[BusynMember]

Hon, I'm so sorry. We do devote our lives to our kids, but that's one thing that gives us no guarantees. We do it out of love. You did the right thing. He isn't, but you did.

I would (my personal opinion) stay out of the inheritance thing. It's his money and you can't make him hang onto it. I would not get involved with the uncle. Your son is an adult and I would stop making yourself stressed and sick by even trying to find out what he is doing online. Don't check his FB. Don't look at the courts. Don't look at his bank records. Just let it go and live your own life. It is easier said than done, but you only hurt yourself if you check up on your son and what he's doing. You ca'n't control him and it hurts you to know what he's doing. Knowing won't help him OR you. Be good to YOU. YOU earned it. Detach from his life. You never know if he will change, but it has to be his idea. Right now he isn't ready. It's sad he is blowing the money, but legally he can burn it and throw it to the wind if he likes. And you can't stop that either. If he is always high, it is probably best and safer that he not have a car anyway. A car won't give him a new life. His mindset and friends and priorities have to change and that CAN happen, but it will come in it's own time.

I really believed my daughter was going to end up in jail/prison or die. She was using meth. She quit twelve years now.

In her own time. Without even telling us. Until she was sure.

Keep The Faith and do try to enjoy yourself. Being miserable will not help your son at all. Baby steps.

Hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[pasajes4]

Most mother's will say that they want their children to be happy. Your son is happy. It is not your idea of what would make YOU happy. The thing is it's his life to do with what he wants. When your expectations of how a person needs to behave in order to have the privilege of living in your home, are violated that privilege must be terminated. He is not betraying you. He is living his life on his terms. We don't have to like it and we don't have to tolerate it in our homes.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi SeaGenie, so sorry for all of this, in reading your profile you have had a tough time of it from the get-go.

I have been down a similar road as the one you are traveling. We tried and tried to help, but it only turned into more ridiculous, selfish, destructive, disrespectful behavior.
Seems the more we tried to help, the more we got stepped on. Looking back now, I am thinking that it is more than a subliminal statement from our difficult children " If you are going to be my rug, I will tread on you."

I can't turn back the hands of time and change history, and I can't tell you what to do either, because each of us must ultimately make a decision in our own due time about how we will be treated.

We would not stand for the kind of disrespect our difficult children give us from anyone else. We would HAVE to stand up and defend our right to peaceful homes from strangers, would be robbers. In the years of dealing with my oldest Difficult Child, SHE became the stranger, the robber.

I wonder if I had kept my foot down, if that would be a different story today? If I had enough self-respect to stand my ground and not allow her to go through the revolving door (time to time living with us, then having to make her leave due to her choices), it would have forced her to grow up and make a living for herself, or not. The point is, as an adult, she had responsibilities. We stepped in as our parent heartstrings were yanked again and again, only to be figuratively spat upon, again and again.

I do hope that your son will wake up, but my dear, you are no longer his alarm clock.

Please take care! I think it is a great idea to turn his room into a craft room or whatever is useful and joyful for your purpose.

It is not easy to let go.

Reaching out here is a good thing, such understanding. Learning from others stories is very helpful.

Heres a quote I found helpful;

If you aren't being treated with LOVE & RESPECT, check your price tag. Maybe you've marked yourself down. It's you who tells people what you're worth. Get off the clearance rack and get behind the glass where they keep valuables.

 

[BusynMember]

If you aren't being treated with LOVE & RESPECT, check your price tag. Maybe you've marked yourself down. It's you who tells people what you're worth. Get off the clearance rack and get behind the glass where they keep valuables.

Thank you for this, New Leaf. It struck a nerve with me as I have allowed people to mistreat me much of my life. This is just so wise. I appreciate your sharing it.

 

[Lil]

This is so hard. I also have only the one child and really, if I didn't have Jabber, I don't know what I'd do. I do know that no matter how much you love someone, you can't let them continually hurt you. You can't let them use you and endanger you...bringing drugs into your house is endangering you. You did everything you could for him...and instead of growing up and being the man you raised him to be he became what he is.

You have to let him find his own way. Someday, he will regret his running through all this money. But he'll be no worse off in the future than if he'd never gotten it at all.

Hugs to you...I wish you, and all of us, peace.

 

[New Leaf]

Thank you for this, New Leaf. It struck a nerve with me as I have allowed people to mistreat me much of my life. This is just so wise. I appreciate your sharing it.

You are very welcome SomewhereOutThere. As a child, I was mercilessly teased by my older siblings. My parents repeatedly told me to ignore them, I am sure they were trying to teach me to be strong. Instead, I grew up full of self-doubt. At a young age, my home became a place of torment and I have a history of low self esteem to overcome.

I do think we put out vibes to others, not only by the way we carry ourselves, but how we truly measure our worth. People who use other people and tread on them can spot this vibe miles away. This includes our adult children.

We are taught from a young age to be loving, kind, generous and thoughtful of others, when we do not value ourselves appropriately, these traits work to others advantage and our own undoing.

I will continue to work towards a better balance of loving myself, while treating other people the way I would like to be treated.

May the new week bring us all peace of heart and mind!

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Thank GOD I have all of you people on here to turn to. These past few years have been gut wrenching. I've ready every one of the replies above and on other posts and everyone says to let my son be and let him figure it out.

My son is back in town today doing who knows what. He blew $300 on a hotel right down the street from my home. (Yes I checked his bank today and know exactly where he is staying). He blew hundreds over the weekend, got a bus ticket and came back here, got a hotel room and is eating at places in the area around here.

I'm blown away that he is back in town and has not called asking for his clothes, laptop or shoes, etc. He left early last week with very little - even his suitcase is here.

Regardless, it sickens me as to what he might doing and how he is wasting so much money. I will be blamed because I "kicked him out".

It's so hard, I miss him, I miss how he was before he got addicted to pot and alcohol. He's my son - I thought he'd grow up to make me proud and help me as I get older. I thought we'd always be close. I protected him, never missed a school function, did everything for him.

Here's what I need help with!!!! I keep bouncing back and forth between.... I get angry and tell myself I did the right thing by kicking him out, he needs to learn the hard way what life is about. Then I have these panic attacks thinking what if he suddenly died, I kicked him out, called him irresponsible, immature, etc.... told him never to come back unless he was employed or in school, that our relationship was ruined....

Last time I kicked him out he told everyone "My mom gave up on me". To hear that I was crushed. (Is that a trick to play on my guilt)?????

HELP!!! I'm feeling so awful, guilty, unsure, devastated.... what if something happens to him and this is how we left it?

But then I think - ungrateful little brat, he never appreciated anything, didn't respect me in my home, couldn't pay me a small amount of rent to help with expenses yet has blown hundreds on nonsense. How do I deal with all these conflicting feelings? At work today I was fine - I was busy and it kept my mind off things. Then at one point I even hoped he might contact me and say "Mom, I love you, I've screwed up big time, can I at least come by and pick up some clean clothes?".... but no. Not a peep.

And what makes this worse is my birthday is this week on Friday. My former boss (feeling so sorry for me and everything I've gone thru has rented me a condo down at the beach). He has been a father figure to me for over 25 years and has seen all the crap I've been thru. He's always been there for me. I don't even feel like going but I will.

I am trying to stay strong. I miss my son so much but this time, he has to learn the hard way he will never take advantage of me again. This is like death. I've lost everyone else - this just tops it all, my very own son.

I will stay strong, not contact him, try not to be obsessed with what he is doing. He's not worried about me so I have to stay focused on my life. I promise you guys I'm listening to you - I read you all loud and clear! It's just so friggin hard.

Oh and I am going to NOT contact his uncle, and stay out of the inheritance issue as recommended above. Detaching. It's hard, I want to save him from himself but that is enabling... not gonna do it.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi SeaGenie,

You are going through a lot of processing, as am I.

My difficult adult children will say the same thing- "You kicked us out". I don't buy into that. Certainly in this day and age, families stay together because it is tough out there. Jobs are scarce, rent is high. My attitude now is if an adult child is going to live in our home, there has to be mutual respect, and a willingness to contribute to the household.

When we have opened our home up again and again, it starts out with promises and small glimmers of change, but that has quickly eroded to chaos and disruption. We are expected to put up with this behavior, because we are parents and are expected to have "unconditional love." MEH!

Regardless, it sickens me as to what he might doing and how he is wasting so much money. I will be blamed because I "kicked him out".

NO, No and NO. We did not kick our children out, they chose to disregard our right to live peaceably in our home, they kicked themselves out by choices and actions.

It's so hard, I miss him, I miss how he was before he got addicted to pot and alcohol. He's my son - I thought he'd grow up to make me proud and help me as I get older. I thought we'd always be close. I protected him, never missed a school function, did everything for him.

Our children are adults. They are not the memories we have of them. They grow, they change, they make mistakes, they make their own way. Somehow, we have got to stop delving into the past and view them as they "once were", in order to move on ourselves; as well as see (without the blinders of the past) what they are in the present. For their sake and ours. We have got to view their actions and make decisions based upon their behavior in the "now".

My difficult children do not bring up the good times, only my mistakes, and then try to use that as an excuse for their bad choices. It is a ploy to keep us in the past, to keep us bound by our heartstrings into a tangled web.

Last time I kicked him out he told everyone "My mom gave up on me". To hear that I was crushed. (Is that a trick to play on my guilt)?????

Yes, it is a trick to play on your guilt, most definitely.

HELP!!! I'm feeling so awful, guilty, unsure, devastated.... what if something happens to him and this is how we left it?

The roller coaster is the toughest part, because we are teetering on the edge of our maternal instincts to nurture and care and protect our children, while at the same time we know through experience that our children are taking advantage of us. We cannot shield our adult children from the mistakes they will make. They have their own journey and they have their own lessons to learn.

How do I deal with all these conflicting feelings? At work today I was fine - I was busy and it kept my mind off things. Then at one point I even hoped he might contact me and say "Mom, I love you, I've screwed up big time, can I at least come by and pick up some clean clothes?".... but no. Not a peep.

This is the manipulative part of the silent treatment, the void. Our children know how to push our buttons. They know we want to know that they are okay. It is a form of abuse, silent treatment. Do not hold your breath. I have decided that after all of these years waiting to hear words of comfort from my difficult children is a waste of my time and thoughts.

Instead, I have decided to BREATHE. I have decided to go through my own processing, in my own time, but also, when I find myself obsessing, to say a prayer for my difficult children, and a prayer for my sanity and peace of mind.

It helps to work through all of this by reading and posting. There is no judgement here, it is a safe place to vent.

How hard it is for you to go through this with your only son. I imagine you must have stayed strong and independent all of these years focusing on a bright future for him. You were the dynamic duo, able to conquer anything. There is still hope for you to have a healthy relationship, just not now, not on his terms.

I am glad you are determined to stay strong, to try loving detachment. You deserve to live a joyful life. I wish I had learned of it years ago. For I now know, that the blame game, manipulating, and enmeshment of an unhealthy relationship with troubled children, serves only to separate us further. They did not learn to stop pointing fingers at me and look in the mirror at themselves. I did not learn soon enough, that if I didn't place value on myself, how could I expect anyone else to?

VALUE yourself. Be kind to yourself. LOVE yourself. If anything, that is what you owe your son. Show him that you deserve much more than the treatment he has been dishing out.

Go enjoy your birthday at the condo! How awesome to have someone do that for you! You are worth it! The beach can be a very healing place to be.

One of my many favorite quotes-

"The cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears, or the sea."

Now, awaken that warrior Spartan blood in you sister-for yourself!

 

[SeaGenieTx]

New Leaf thank you a million times over. Waking up at 3 am and reading this helped. It is so hard and all of your posts have been a huge help. Cant thank you enough.

I guess I need to also realize its a waste of time to hope my difficult child will ever care or offer words of comfort - he will blame me and hate me and punish me with the silent treatment knowing it kills me. He has been abusive to me and his girlfriend when he is mad at her (she is no prize). I dont know if its the drugs making him so volatile or what but he has become shortfused and last time he was mad and screaming at me he punched a wall in my home. He was never like this before. He would berate his girlfriend over the phone constantly and Id have to tell him to hang up. I told him I didnt raise him to be controlling and abusive to girls and he'd tell me she deserves it because she cheated on him. I have just never seen such a horrible, mean side to him and now Im sure its worse since we are estranged.

I never dreamed he would act like this and his anger is bottled up because of all the mistakes he has made - he thinks are because everyone has done him wrong. He wont take accountability for anything. Its the cops fault, its his girlfriends fault, my fault... and his anger is just out of control.

Last conversation we had he was yelling at me saying it was me, I need to control my anger issues, I have a serious problem, even asked me if I was going thru menopause...turned it all back on me.

I did get angry when I found out he got in trouble again and yelled at him for doing such a stupid thing and acting so irresponsible. He told me he handled it on his own and it was none if my business. Living in my home its my business. To come home in the middle of the day and he and his buddy are "dabbing" and my house stinks of pot... it is my business. I would not allow anyone else to live with me and do drugs in my home, risk the chance of me getting arrested and lose everything.

My home has been clean, my pets are calm and happy, I feel safer with him out. Everytime he would come home he would be f'd up - buzzed on something and reeking of pot.

I told him I was disgusted and so dissapointed of who he has become and not once in his life has he tried to make me proud and do something productive. Instead he has been on a path of susbtance abuse and I couldnt take it anymore. He kept saying all he did was smoke pot but Ive seen him drunk, on Molly and high as a kite. Found pills (xanax, klonopin) and empty liquor bottles stashed in his room. He has lied to me about everything. He got fired from his last job but it was someone elses fault, he did nothing wrong. He lied to me for weeks after he lost that job - telling me they cut back his hours, etc. He & several other employees got fired for stealing. He said he got fired because he knew others were stealing but he never spoke up so they fired him too. The lies never ended.

You are right - the manipulation, silent treatment, the void... its all so dark and he has been so secretive but Ive always found out and then he gets irate and mad at me for getting in his business and "stalking" him.

Praying - I hope it works. I just hope he stays alive. I hope he struggles and it changes him and makes him humble and more appreciative. Not holding my breath though. He is not thinking clearly and acting too irrational. I just pray that he stays alive.

 

[Paul2Change]

New Leaf thank you a million times over. Waking up at 3 am and reading this helped. It is so hard and all of your posts have been a huge help. Cant thank you enough.

I guess I need to also realize its a waste of time to hope my difficult child will ever care or offer words of comfort - he will blame me and hate me and punish me with the silent treatment knowing it kills me. He has been abusive to me and his girlfriend when he is mad at her (she is no prize). I dont know if its the drugs making him so volatile or what but he has become shortfused and last time he was mad and screaming at me he punched a wall in my home. He was never like this before. He would berate his girlfriend over the phone constantly and Id have to tell him to hang up. I told him I didnt raise him to be controlling and abusive to girls and he'd tell me she deserves it because she cheated on him. I have just never seen such a horrible, mean side to him and now Im sure its worse since we are estranged.

I never dreamed he would act like this and his anger is bottled up because of all the mistakes he has made - he thinks are because everyone has done him wrong. He wont take accountability for anything. Its the cops fault, its his girlfriends fault, my fault... and his anger is just out of control.

Last conversation we had he was yelling at me saying it was me, I need to control my anger issues, I have a serious problem, even asked me if I was going thru menopause...turned it all back on me.

I did get angry when I found out he got in trouble again and yelled at him for doing such a stupid thing and acting so irresponsible. He told me he handled it on his own and it was none if my business. Living in my home its my business. To come home in the middle of the day and he and his buddy are "dabbing" and my house stinks of pot... it is my business. I would not allow anyone else to live with me and do drugs in my home, risk the chance of me getting arrested and lose everything.

My home has been clean, my pets are calm and happy, I feel safer with him out. Everytime he would come home he would be f'd up - buzzed on something and reeking of pot.

I told him I was disgusted and so dissapointed of who he has become and not once in his life has he tried to make me proud and do something productive. Instead he has been on a path of susbtance abuse and I couldnt take it anymore. He kept saying all he did was smoke pot but Ive seen him drunk, on Molly and high as a kite. Found pills (xanax, klonopin) and empty liquor bottles stashed in his room. He has lied to me about verything. He got fired from his last job but it was someone elses fault, he did nothing wrong. He lied to me for weeks after he lost that job - telling me they cut back his hours, etc. He & several other employees got fired for stealing. He said he got fired because he knew others were stealing but he never spoke up so they fired him too. The lies never ended.

You are right - the manipulation, silent treatment, the void... its all so dark and he has been so secretive but Ive always found out and then he gets irate and mad at me for getting in his business and "stalking" him.

Praying - I hope it works. I just hope he stays alive. I hope he struggles and it changes him and makes him humble and more appreciative. Not holding my breath though. He is not thinking clearly and acting too irrational. I just pray that he stays alive.[/QUOT
E]
Good morning sea genie! Im glad to see im not the only early riser on the site! I can truly understand where you are coming from with your son. My son says the exact same thing about everything wrong in his life and the lies seem almost identical. There most be a blog page that are young kids all gravitate to and read the lies and emotional abuse statment of the day! Lol
I was awoke last night by my dog ( Prince) hes a pit terrier and not the usual type pit bull he is a big teddy bear. I raised him not to be aggressive and more of a loving dog he thinks hes a lap dog! Haha but when he hears something out of the ordnairy he does get very protective and would intimidate the biggest of men.

 

[Paul2Change]

I believe my son has been snooping around my home to sleep somewhere and he has not given back his key to me to the place attxhed to my living room where he called his room with an external door to come and go with out coming in my house.
I have been sleeping on my couch
because i am alone and only have my dog with me , because i

 

[Paul2Change]

Sorry about the stop and go with my reply im doing it via cell phone.But to get to where i was my ddaughter is in a safe place and she will not be lured in by my son.
I will try and get back later to post more but i must get going and ready for work. I keep you in my prayers and i pray today you find some peace and solice. It will come somedays more somedays less. But its a blessing to get things out in the open to help heal. I hope you have a wonderful day!

 

[New Leaf]

New Leaf thank you a million times over. Waking up at 3 am and reading this helped. It is so hard and all of your posts have been a huge help. Cant thank you enough.

Your very welcome SeaGenie, it has been helpful to me to respond , I am writing to myself as much as I am to you. At least if anything comes of all of this pain, our experiences might help someone else?

I guess I need to also realize its a waste of time to hope my difficult child will ever care or offer words of comfort - he will blame me and hate me and punish me with the silent treatment knowing it kills me. He has been abusive to me and his girlfriend when he is mad at her (she is no prize). I dont know if its the drugs making him so volatile or what but he has become shortfused and last time he was mad and screaming at me he punched a wall in my home. He was never like this before. He would berate his girlfriend over the phone constantly and Id have to tell him to hang up. I told him I didnt raise him to be controlling and abusive to girls and he'd tell me she deserves it because she cheated on him. I have just never seen such a horrible, mean side to him and now Im sure its worse since we are estranged.

There is always hope, but we have to be realistic about the timing of it. Your son may turn around, he may not. We have to learn to refocus our energy to something productive and up-lifting. Our difficult children would have us believing that we should take care of them at the drop of a hat, while at the same time, berating and abusing us.

This is unacceptable.

I never dreamed he would act like this and his anger is bottled up because of all the mistakes he has made - he thinks are because everyone has done him wrong. He wont take accountability for anything. Its the cops fault, its his girlfriends fault, my fault... and his anger is just out of control.

It is a cop out. My daughter is so moody and unapproachable. She is walled up with anger. The only time I hear her laugh is when she is high, or on the phone with friends. Other wise she is a time bomb ticking. It keeps everyone on eggshells around her, including her poor children. It is like a constant, prolonged tantrum. It is ugly and selfish. Did I raise her to be this way? NOOOOOO! Is it drugs-most certainly, but I also think the drugs have damaged her brain and her mindset. She always says "I only smoke pot", but the pot now a days seems different than the stuff we dabbled with in the 70's. It is really foul smelling and highly addictive. I think dealers mix stuff in it to keep people on it. What I do know is if my daughter is not high, she is miserable, and makes everyone around her suffer.

Last conversation we had he was yelling at me saying it was me, I need to control my anger issues, I have a serious problem, even asked me if I was going thru menopause...turned it all back on me.

Blame game- don't fall for it. He wants you to focus on yourself and get stuck there, so you won't be looking realistically at him and his actions. Blame/shame can be hypnotic, it is immobilizing. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated.

I did get angry when I found out he got in trouble again and yelled at him for doing such a stupid thing and acting so irresponsible. He told me he handled it on his own and it was none if my business. Living in my home its my business. To come home in the middle of the day and he and his buddy are "dabbing" and my house stinks of pot... it is my business. I would not allow anyone else to live with me and do drugs in my home, risk the chance of me getting arrested and lose everything.

UGH. Had this happen to me. Here we are being responsible, doing the daily grind, going to work, while these imbeciles are disrespecting all we have worked for, inviting God knows who over and partying in our house. I needed to keep that picture in my mind, to see what my adult difficult children were doing, taking complete advantage of me, my son, my house, my husband. It is a disgusting abuse of love. It is akin to domestic abuse. Like women who stay in abusive relationships, we think we will be able to "fix" our adult kids. They don't want to be fixed. They want to keep doing what they are doing. They want to walk all over us, and then expect us to keep picking up the pieces.. Well, of course we get angry, we are only human. We try to go through the motions, pick ourselves up and go to work, pay the bills, stuffing down the ugly that is happening with these adult toddlers. Then it hits with the next ridiculous calamity, it hits hard and all of that stuffing, that numbing, that "but this is my child" built up from our toenails boils over, everyone has their limits.

My home has been clean, my pets are calm and happy, I feel safer with him out.

YAY! Isn't that a wonderful feeling? Ride on that. The sadness will come and go. The examining will continue, it is inevitable. You will get stronger. You MUST get stronger.

In the grip of drugs and influence of like minded friends, he is a danger to your sanity and your safety.

I told him I was disgusted and so dissapointed of who he has become and not once in his life has he tried to make me proud and do something productive. Instead he has been on a path of susbtance abuse and I couldnt take it anymore. He kept saying all he did was smoke pot but Ive seen him drunk, on Molly and high as a kite. Found pills (xanax, klonopin) and empty liquor bottles stashed in his room. He has lied to me about everything. He got fired from his last job but it was someone elses fault, he did nothing wrong. He lied to me for weeks after he lost that job - telling me they cut back his hours, etc. He & several other employees got fired for stealing. He said he got fired because he knew others were stealing but he never spoke up so they fired him too. The lies never ended.

I think of all the stuff my kids have said, done, "who ARE these people?" I do not recognize them. I did not raise my kids to be value-less, spongers. I would not choose to associate with people like this. I do not wish to have a relationship with my adult difficult children with the choices they make.

You are right - the manipulation, silent treatment, the void... its all so dark and he has been so secretive but Ive always found out and then he gets irate and mad at me for getting in his business and "stalking" him.

So, my dear, quit "stalking" him.
Give him to God, after all, our children are really just on loan to us from him.
Keep praying, it helps. Find something to focus on that gives you peace and joy. Write down some achievable goals. Make a bucket list. Start living your life. Rebuild yourself, change your pattern. Stop worrying. I know it is hard.

Read the detachment article and check off all the points that apply to your relationship with your son.

We have no control over what happens in the future. The only thing we have control over is ourselves and the choices we make.

Praying - I hope it works. I just hope he stays alive. I hope he struggles and it changes him and makes him humble and more appreciative. Not holding my breath though. He is not thinking clearly and acting too irrational. I just pray that he stays alive.

Praying is good. It is powerful and it helps us to let go and let God.

I pray for both of our sakes, that God give us strength and perseverance, may he help us to see the goodness in ourselves, to work towards peace, to accept that our adult children have to write their own stories and learn from their own mistakes.

God bless SeaGenie get ready for your fabulous weekend. Soak in the suns rays, swim in the beautiful ocean, relax and refresh your weary soul! ((((HUGS))))

 

[Childofmine]

SeaGenie, you are in the middle of a perfect storm. I am so sorry.

I guess I need to also realize its a waste of time to hope my difficult child will ever care or offer words of comfort - he will blame me and hate me and punish me with the silent treatment knowing it kills me.

Don't try to determine today what will happen in the future. You have found that he is abusing drugs so every single bit of his behavior today can be tied directly to that. When people are abusing substances, and they don't get what they want when they want it, they go beserk and pull out all the stops to try to get you to cave in.

As I have been told by multiple mental health professionals over the years, you can't know if there is anything else wrong with him until the addiction is treated and arrested.

With my Difficult Child, ALL of his behavior was tied to his drug use. Today, he is sweet, kind, polite (says thank you all the time), helpful when he comes over here (by invitation only, still) and respectful. When he was using drugs, he was like your son.

In Al-Anon, they teach not to "awfulize." Not to dwell on the absolute worst that can happen, because most of the time it doesn't, and besides what good does it do to think about that now? I know our minds go to that...I call it "playing the movie"...but ultimately it's a pointless exercise.

There is just as great a chance that something good will happen as something bad happening, down the road.

I never dreamed he would act like this and his anger is bottled up because of all the mistakes he has made - he thinks are because everyone has done him wrong.

My son was the ultimate victim. Everybody and everything was out to get him. Even his teachers (every one of them...lol) in high school "hated" him and lied about him and were out to get him. Really? Absolutely stupid.

You can't evaluate what or how he thinks right now. He is under the influence and bad thinking is a part of addiction.

I just pray that he stays alive.

I so understand this. This is what it comes down to. Just hoping and praying that somehow he stays alive through all of his journey...and comes out of it on the other side.

There was a time that all I needed to know was that he was alive. I would look at Facebook and see if he had been online. It will show if a person has been online within the past xx number of hours. If I could see that, I could rest assured and go on with my day. I truly didn't want to know any more than that...where he was, what he was doing, how he was...just that he was alive. That was my prayer during those months that seemed endless.

I guess the bottom line for me finally became this: We never thought we would be in this position as mothers. We were good mothers, and we did the very best we could every day to take care of our children. Things happen, and people have their own paths and their own journeys. I can't pretend to understand any of it, except I believe addiction is genetic, and my son had the genetic background from both sides of our family. He triggered at some point, and the rest of the journey unfolded.

It was an awful six or seven years. His high school years were very hard for me, but nothing like from age 19 on. He is now 26 and he has been on a positively moving track since June 2014. I pray it continues but I know there are no guarantees.

Hang in there, and work to surrender all of this. I think cleaning out his room is a very good thing for you to do. Reclaim that space in your mind and heart and house. He is on his own path, and it's impossible to know the twists and turns that he must take before he hits the rock bottom (s) that you are praying for.

We are here for you. We so understand.

 

[SeaGenieTx]

The urge to text or call him to see if he is ok is unbearable. Should I give it more time and see if he makes any attempts to contact me? Tomorrow is my birthday, I'm not expecting to hear from him but should I see if he makes any attempts? I've always been the one to cave in and reach out to him and see if he is ok. I haven't seen him post anything on Instagram or Facebook. I have no clue where he is now that I can't check his bank account. I know he wants me to worry and wonder. This is the part that is so hard for me as it goes against everything I am as a mother. I have to keep saying "He is 23, will be 24 in April - he can take care of himself". But even though he is 23 almost 24, his mentality level is at 16-17. I

 

[recoveringenabler]

SeaGenie, text your son if you want to, tell him you love him and let it go. Pack your bags and head out of Dodge. Use the time now to practice letting go of focusing on your son and start focusing on you. You've been taking care of his needs for so long, there is a great likelihood that you have forgotten to identify and address your own needs. Spend this weekend (if it feels right to you) looking at what your needs and desires are and start making those happen. What kind of life do you want to have now, at this age? What adventures lie ahead of you now? Where is your hearts desire? What do you LOVE to do? What brings you joy? What makes you laugh? What brings you peace? How would you like to spend the moments of our life? What brings you that sense of deep fulfillment and satisfaction? It's your life SeaGenie, go grab it!

 

[Tanya M]

Regardless, it sickens me as to what he might doing and how he is wasting so much money. I will be blamed because I "kicked him out".

You know the truth and that is all that matters. Perhaps you might try thinking of it differently and even telling him if he brings it up, you didn't "kick him out" you "liberated yourself"
If he asks what that means, tell him that you made a choice to stop enabling him.

It's so hard, I miss him, I miss how he was before he got addicted to pot and alcohol. He's my son - I thought he'd grow up to make me proud and help me as I get older. I thought we'd always be close. I protected him, never missed a school function, did everything for him.

I felt the same way with my son. This is where grieving helped me. I grieved for the son I used to have. I will always cherish my memories of when he was sweet and caring.

Here's what I need help with!!!! I keep bouncing back and forth between.... I get angry and tell myself I did the right thing by kicking him out, he needs to learn the hard way what life is about. Then I have these panic attacks thinking what if he suddenly died, I kicked him out, called him irresponsible, immature, etc.... told him never to come back unless he was employed or in school, that our relationship was ruined....

You did what you had to do. Remember, you "liberated yourself" You did not raise your son in a bubble, you taught him right from wrong, you gave him a firm foundation. He not you made the choice to go off the rails. You did not tell him anything that was not true. Sometimes the truth hurts.

Last time I kicked him out he told everyone "My mom gave up on me". To hear that I was crushed. (Is that a trick to play on my guilt)?????

Yes, he's trying to make you feel guilty. My son has used the same line many times to different people, "my mom gave up on me". I and you did not give up on them, we gave up enabling them, big difference.

But then I think - ungrateful little brat, he never appreciated anything, didn't respect me in my home, couldn't pay me a small amount of rent to help with expenses yet has blown hundreds on nonsense. How do I deal with all these conflicting feelings? At work today I was fine - I was busy and it kept my mind off things. Then at one point I even hoped he might contact me and say "Mom, I love you, I've screwed up big time, can I at least come by and pick up some clean clothes?".... but no. Not a peep.

Our Difficult Child give a whole new meaning to the word ungrateful. My husband and I bought a house for our son to live in. All he had to do was get a job. We did this when he was released from prison. We told him all we wanted him to was get a job and we would help him to get his life back on track. Well I wouldn't be here on this site if it had all worked out the way we had hoped.
I have had the "apologies" but they were just words, never followed up by any action. I have learned to be very cautious when it comes to an apology as it can be a manipulation to get you to do something for them.

And what makes this worse is my birthday is this week on Friday. My former boss (feeling so sorry for me and everything I've gone thru has rented me a condo down at the beach). He has been a father figure to me for over 25 years and has seen all the crap I've been thru. He's always been there for me. I don't even feel like going but I will.

You have an awesome boss!! Enjoy, Enjoy, Enjoy!!
You deserve some goodness and some happiness. Nothing like some time on the beach to rejuvenate yourself.

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Thank you Tanya M ♡♡♡♡♡