Creed or Rules for Parents of Estranged or Difficult Adult Children

[BusynMember]

I LOVE THESE RULES! For anyone struggling with an adult child relationship.

What did I learn?

1. You are so much stronger than you think!
2. There is comfort that comes from sharing with others who are also estranged from their adult children. Find a group that works for you. You are not alone.
3. Forgive yourself. You did the best you could.
4. Not all relationships last, some die, some divorce and some choose to leave for their own reasons.
5. Do not allow your children or any single person to have so much power over your life, that without them you feel your life has no value.
6. Get help! It is painful and not something you should have to go through alone.
7. Let go in love, do it for yourself and for your adult child. You gave them life; let them have their life and let them live it their way, even if that means you are not included.
8. People will acknowledge a broken arm but can’t see your broken heart. Take care of you!
9. Even in the best scenario and intact families, there is life after raising children.
10. Find “other mothers” and “other daughters” who lift you up and love you for who you are. Fill the void with healthy relationships that enhance your life not ones that hurt you.
11. Give yourself time, in so many ways it is like a death and you will need to grieve your loss.
12. Accept it! Not everyone is going to like you let alone love you and some of those who don’t like/love you; just may be your own biological child or family members.
13. Surround yourself with love and life! You can never have enough people who love you and support you in your life.
14. In the absence of people, I highly recommend bubble baths, fresh flowers, chocolates and beauty in all art forms. Pamper yourself.
15. Have faith whether you believe in God, Angels or any higher power, take your hurts and your troubles and hand them over to God.
16. LOVE YOURSELF! If you don’t why on earth would anyone else?

Just a few of the books that helped me …

How To Survive The Loss of a Love by Melba Colgrove, PH.D, Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D. and Peter McWilliams

The Dance Moving to the Deep Rhythms of Your Life ORIAH

 

[Tanya M]

 

[BusynMember]

I think #5 is the one that is the most powerful.

 

[ksm]

I think we all deserve a merit badge... Like in Girl Scouts, when you learned and practiced a new skill...

If younger Difficult Child was 18 instead of 15 it would be easier to detach.

KSM

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Let go in love, do it for yourself and for your adult child. You gave them life; let them have their life and let them live it their way, even if that means you are not included.

This one resonated most strongly with me. "Let go in love.... Let them have their life and let them live it their way, even if that means you are not included."

Thank you, SWOT.

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

I liked that one too, Cedar. We let go of ALL of our children and give them their autonomy, including our easy kids who we have had so much fun raising. I had to let go of Sonic and his autism and it was so hard partly because of his challenges, but mostly be cause he is a pleasure. The hardest for me to let go of is Jumper, by far my easiest to raise and a highly rewarding child who adores us.

But if I had clung to any of my kids, I probably would have chased them away no matter how much we love. Our adult children need to be free and I feel they also want to feel that we are proud of them. Of course it is hard to do this if they refuse to at least try to succeed...or are plain nasty to us.

I feel for those who still struggle with difficult adult children. Remember that life is constantly changing. My d c turned around. There is no reason why yours won't either.

 

[Nature]

You amaze me! You always have great insight into issues and are so supportive of others. Thank you for this post!

 

[Childofmine]

I love this! This is a very complete list. Thank you!!

 

[pigless in VA]

Not all relationships last, some die, some divorce and some choose to leave for their own reasons.

This is the one that has been hardest for me to understand. I've had a very difficult time finding people who want to be in my life. My parents quit being my parents when I only 13. It took me decades to realize that neither one of them wants a relationship with me. We talk two or three times per year, and that is all they want/need.

I've always looked to my friends for my primary relationships. But you know how that goes. People move or change jobs. What was once a close relationship ceases to be.

I've learned to cherish the people in my life while they are around, but I never expect it to last long.