Crisis coming

[Acacia]

After my 36 year old borderline left her abuser with her 5 year old and newborn, a friend of mine offered her a temporary quasi apt. with a shared kitcen, and I agreed to pay 3 months while she waits for subsidized housing 9 (6-12month wait). She looked a gift horse in the mouth and has nothing but criticism of my friend, has been verbally abusive, and crossed boundaries regarding rules. My friend plans to tell her to leave and will involve the police if necessary, but my daughter doesn't know that yet.
She is awful to me - no emotional regulation, doesn't honor agreements, and wants the priveleges of an adult without shouldering the responsiblies. I am sick to my stomach because the shelters in our town are full, and the inlaws are already after custody of the children. As much as she has created this, it hurts to know she'll be on the street.
I know crisis means danger + opportunity, so I will try to have some hope, but right now I just feel tired and battered. She only has contact with me to be rescued. She is a real black and white thinker, and despite all the ways we've tried to help, her step dad and I are to her just the most awful people because we won't take her in or continue to bankroll her without real evidence of her getting treatment and outside support. Just need to keep posting to stay clear and strong, so I don't get lost in the FOG of fear, obligation, and guilt.
Thanks to all here who share their experience, strength, and hope.

 

[seek]

You are very wise to remember that crisis means danger + opportunity. I hope you can meditate on that.

Take good care of yourself right now. Can you take a bath or listen to some music or guided mediation on YouTube? We are so lucky there is so much help available 24/7.

Breathe.

All is well in the larger scheme of things (or so "they" say) . . .

I use Silent Unity Prayer (online, but you can call them to) in a crisis - people will pray for whatever you ask them to pray for. It can't hurt and I feel it really helps.

 

[A dad]

What about the baby and the 5 year old? What is the plan with them?
You see I usually agree to let them on their own but there children here and to me at these these change things.
So is there any way for the the 2 very young and innocent children to be helped?
This seems so terrible.

 

[Acacia]

Thanks for the reminder, Seek, to do self-care. I occasionally call Unity, so that's something I definitely will do.

About my grandchildren, A Dad, that's the hardest thing. Her first abuser's parents - grandparents of the 5 year old- had temporary custody - long story - and since the stepmom has no children of her own has been trying to get back custody ever since. They are taking her to court because of my daughter's housing problems. The newborn (5 months) is the child of the last abuser, who has three other children and doesn't want custody. I am 65, teacher, 1 hour commute, have another difficult child, and putting my other son- a gem - through college. I told my daughter I would take 5 year old until she gets stable, but she said her daughter would rather be on the streets with her than with me because I am so unkind. The level of stress and financial burden my Borderline (BPD) has caused is reaching total overload. I can't keep doing it, but I am afraid I will cave. At this point I don't know what is best for my grandchildren. They are always fed, clothed, treated lovingly in my daughter's interactions, but she has chosen to to be with abusers, is verbally abusive to others (which she conveniently does away from the kids), and seems unable to provide a stable environment. This has been going on their whole lives. Sorry, to be so long-winded. We have taken her in before, but she is only momentarily grateful, and then starts her dysfunction again.

 

[A dad]

I do not care about her situation but the newborn is the problem here how to put it if she is kicked out will the social services take the newborn? I understand that the 5 year old can be taken by the family of her first husband not that its an good idea. But the newborn will he be taken?

I do not know how it is in such situations because of the feeding problem for newborns. I really do not know where newborns are raised by the state.

She might manage alone but for the baby its not an option.

 

[BusynMember]

I dont see you as a good, long term option for grandkids. In ten years you will be 75 with a 15 year old teen and a ten year old. You cant be healthy or live forever. I would be in the same boat as I am 63.

The grands need stability from a younger person and borderlines seldom get better or think they need to change...their wiring is different and not good. It is probably in your best interest never to live with daughter again. It could kill you with stress. Then the grands lose you too. You are too valuable to let stress make you sick.

Cps may have to step in...the kids should not keep being dragged into abusive relationships and borderlinesv live drama and abusers are attracted to them snd vice versa. But if the kids are fed and clothed your daughter will probably not lose custody. Nor does it seem living with you changes her and she tends to take off for the first abusive man who winks at her. Commom with borderline.

I would worry sbout the grands too and would look for possible longer term solutions than intervals of time with you. Are younger relatives interested in the kids? Is this stepmother of one of the fathers younger and capable? If so, regardless of daughters wishes, this may be best for grands.

I am so sorry. Often our not so stable adults have children that they reslly cant care for and the grands suffer. It is very sad.

I will send love and light to your situation and hope for a solution for tje grands with younger, stable caregivers. Hoping your daughter one day opts for intensive borderline therapy such as dialectal behavioral therapy.

Most of all I send prayers for you to find inner peace with a situation which is out of your control. Do something nice for yourself today! Even if it is just a nature walk or gardening or painting or whatever you enjoy doing.

 

[Acacia]

Yes, this is a problem. She is nursing the baby, but has started to give him solids. I feel awful, but she is the one who is bullying my friend who she is staying with and ruined it. She has thrown things away of my friend, yells at her. Texts her about how dirty her house it.... We looked into a paying for a room, but it's $325 a week in a filthy, drug ridden area, 8x 10. We can't afford it. She has ruined all references from evictions, and rents are $900 - 1,000 in our town. I am not sure how young the state will take babies. I also fear suicide on my daughter's part - she has threatened, but no attempts that I know of. I also fear her fleeing. She lost custody of older child when she stole our car and fled abuser with her then 2 year old. Because of grandparents lies, court has never believed her about abuse. I do appreciate the questions you are asking. The hardest thing is that there is no way to reason with her because of their untreated Borderline (BPD) and her continued stance that she is the victim and everyone else is horrible.

 

[Acacia]

Somewhere, you are so spot on and wise. My daughter is on dating sites provocatively trolling for rescue from any man. The relatives who have younger children have considered it, even contacting the state, but they live on the West Coast, and we live on the East Coast, and the state's goal is reunification, so they say that's not an option because of not being close enough for visitation. We have offered to help daughter with treatment. In so many ways this is out of my hands. I have rescued, prayed, spent thousands, and on and on, but truly this has reached a point where I can fix things. Worried that when she is given 72 hour notice to vacate, police may have to be involved. The one thing I am firm on - until she gets help, I will not be in her presence alone. Because of my own PTSD, it's too traumatizing. I love her, but I need to love myself as much.
This site is the best I've found because those who post are non-judgmental, insightful, and give realistic, helpful feedback.
Thanks so much to everyone. I feel as though I am not standing alone with this.

 

[BusynMember]

For borderline, if she is in treatment and making progress she should be getting a job. Also, it takes years for a reluctant borderline to make any progress. It is probably a good plan to never live wirh her again.

Unfortunately, often the sad, sad fact is we cant save our grands. Grandparents have no rights.

I am thinking the kids need a perm home with somebody more stable, not reunification. Your daughtler is hitting middle age and still doesnt have her act together. You know she will find another loser. She might never get any better. But the kids need stability, even if its on the east coast and far away.

I hope daughter does right by her kids and that you can stand strong and tell your daughter no.

 

[Blighty]

Acacia

We are with you !

 

[recoveringenabler]

Acacia, I am so sorry. I know how devastating this is. I know how much it hurts your heart.

I have been in a similar situation. My granddaughter was 11 when I went to the courts for temporary guardianship here in No. Ca. With temp. guardianship you have to prove that the children are in danger. I got it. But I was younger then, now my granddaughter is 21 and on her own and doing very well. It doesn't sound as if guardianship is an option for you. I applaud you for knowing what your limits are.

I agree with what everyone has said. Your daughter has exhibited no concerns for changing, only to continue manipulating you and anyone to get her needs met. Unfortunately, without professional help, your daughter is unlikely to change. My daughter is similar. Like you I spent many years trying to fix it, change it, control it.....only to realize that I can't. Only she can. Only your daughter can make the changes. My daughter has ceased to blame me or manipulate me. It took a while, but I set some pretty strong boundaries and I will not allow that behavior anymore. We have a limited connection because of her unwillingness to change her situation. It's difficult to believe how they create their own intense dramas by the terrible way they treat others. My daughter has lived in 6 different dwellings in the last few years and has been thrown out of every single one. She still maintains it is NEVER her fault. She is presently homeless.

If your daughter is like mine, she is attractive, very bright and extremely cunning. If you do nothing, once she is evicted, my guess is she will find a way. They usually do. We worry and drive ourselves crazy and if we refrain from action they find another way. They are extremely resourceful and resilient. Plus they do not experience life as we do, they lack the empathy and compassion for others that makes us suffer so much.....remember that.....often you and I are the only ones suffering......they are simply moving thru life getting whatever they can by manipulation and coercion.

My advice is to amp up your self care in the ways that are most important to you. Once your daughter finds out about the eviction, be prepared for the onslaught of arrows headed your way. Limit her access to you during that time. If she doesn't find a place so that the children are safe, contact the other grandparents or family and if that doesn't work, contact CPS. The courts always attempt reunification, but someone may be able to gain temp. guardianship. It sounds as if the children's basic needs are met. The other piece is that like SWOT said, often we can't save the grands. Find ways to learn about acceptance. I chose to look at this as the PHD program of Acceptance. I also chose to look at it like a spiritual lesson in Acceptance. One of the gifts along the way is that if you can learn acceptance in a situation as dramatic as this one is, that acceptance moves in to every area of your life and changes it in ways that are truly miraculous.

Hang in there Acacia, this is VERY hard stuff and we need help in moving thru. Get as much help as you can. Nurture yourself. Focus on YOU. Set those boundaries well.

Sending you big hugs.

 

[Acacia]

To all, thanks so mucc for the much appreciated words of support and practical advice.
Yes, RE, she is beautiful, cunning, and smart - it has allowed her, unfortunately, to get away with a lot.
I will use the wisdom I am given here, and will show my support to others on this site.

 

[Tanya M]

Acacia,

I think the others have given you some very sound advice. I just wanted to chime in and let you know I'm sending my support. I think you are showing great strength in how you are dealing with this.

((HUGS)) to you..................

 

[mamato3]

Acacia, my heart hurts for you! I hope and pray that you are able to find a suitable situation that gives you peace. Sending big hugs your way!