Daughter "Back" With Abusive Ex... Demanding Child

[ChickPea]

Thank you everyone.
She is in a very deep funk right now. "I've never been this low before," she said.
She's been sleeping in her car, drinking, cocaine-ing, smoking weed. She is hellbent on destruction. She says...

"I'm a *&$% mom and thought that having a kid would change me, but nope - still the same addicted loser... something is just wrong with me... better off dead... nobody cares or understands, I'm drowning and I don't even care. I'm numb. I don't care about myself, I push everyone away, everything is too hard, nobody understands... you (me/husband) pick everyone else over me, can't even sleep at my own parent's house... brothers hate me, son doesn't care about me. Stupid and unloved."

Just goes on and on. I have guilt, fear, anger, fatigue, sadness. And then a bit of just apathy (to cope, maybe).
I'm waiting for a call to say something happened to her. That she's gone and we need to bury her. It makes me think of anything I can do or change - or try to. But most things I'd think of do to "show her love" would be to lose myself. Or to just enable her to continue doing what she's doing.

It's all so heavy at times.

But today the sun is shining, it's warm on my back.

Much love,

CP

 

[BusynMember1]

Our addicted loved ones go into funks often. They do know we love them! But it's not enough.

Their lifestyle, the people surrounding them, the cruelty of drugs and so much else makes these people very low. Maybe it's a good time to suggest rehab. Yes, she may cuss you out, but you've heard it before. You can give it a try.

If she refuses you have done the max that you can. Nobody can stop an addict from using. Nobody can stop an addict from hitting new lows, from damaging their bodies and brains, from having abnormal morals or from not even caring about even a baby over the chosen drug. Your daughter is being an addict.

To pay for the drugs our kids may do shameful things that make it worse. Your daughter is probably involved in illegal activities to add to the money. Kay certainly was. Girls can bring in more money. This adds guilt to the pile.

What can we do? Pray, try not to think about it (very hard,), go on with our normal activities and be assured that you will be there for your child if/when she reaches out in a healthy way.

Before that happens, you are doing your best, caring for the grand.

God bless you.

 

[RN0441]

Our love cannot fix them. If it could, none of us would have a need to be here.

Maybe her hitting bottom is what SHE needs for HER to fix herself. YOU cannot fix this. You are doing everything you can do right now so please be kind to yourself.

No one said this is easy. This is the hardest thing any parent can ever go through in my opinion.

Hugs and prayers for you.

 

[WiseChoices]

This may be exactly what brings her to her knees .It is heart-breaking and scary to watch but addicts do have to come to the end of themselves. Is your daughter aware of where help is ? NA? AA?

These programs that help people are best mentioned when the addict has a low.

 

[Blindsided]

Thanks for your reply.
Our expectations are that we will not be cursed at and yelled at in our home (or on the phone) anymore. I won't tolerate that verbal abuse any more... That her visits will be calm and focused on her child.

After what happened with the cops being called on us, my husband said that in order for her to come back in our home (to see him), we need to talk prior to - without baby and in person. I guess if she wants differently at this point, she will have to go through the courts. I hate to have it go that way, but it's what we feel is best to preserve a calm(er) environment for the baby.

At this point she hasn't made any amends or any real changes. Today her "threat" is to sign off her rights. She just goes back and forth. The trust level is very low on both sides, I guess. She wants to continue her negative, risky behaviors while we provide for her son and she pops in every now and then.

From the outside it really looks like she is choosing addiction/chaos/irresponsibility over the hope of being a stable parent for her child, at least right now.

So sorry I just saw this. I am not getting notifications and we have been traveling.

What you have decided makes perfect sense. Truth is they only learn by holding their feet to the fire. I pray you can identify the currency that works for your young woman to make better choices.

In healing.

 

[Copabanana]

ChickPea. First I want to tell you how sorry I am. You're dealing with the hardest thing. The vulnerability of a child. And you are powerless to help her.

Oh. You could do this or that. You could invite her into the house, without conditions. Along with her friends. You could fulfil her every need and want. You could hug and kiss her. You could give her money.

But what would it do? How would this build her up and contain her, and sustain her, prop her up, in the way that she needs? It wouldn't. Because that's what I would want. To build her up, to hold her up, to tie her hands, to keep her going, in the right direction.

How can we do that for another adult? It's not just hugs and kisses that we want to give. We want to give them a transfusion of our energy, our confidence, our direction, our strength. We can't. I tried. And I keep trying. It doesn't work.

something is just wrong with me... better off dead...

I have the hardest time with this attitude with my own son. The words that come to mind are floppy. No fight. Self-indulgent. Wanting to be rescued as opposed to putting in the consistent work to change. And, too, seeking my pity while they cry about how hard their lives are, instead of learning to recognize that all of us are dealing with the same life. Which is hard. What's easy about your own?

Their task at this point is to find internal muscle. Not flopping.

most things I'd think of do to "show her love" would be to lose myself. Or to just enable her to continue doing what she's doing.

This is hard. I'm struggling with the same thing. These are adult men and women. I think you show your love for her in every single thing you do. You have opened your arms to her in every conceivable way. You are raising her child, so that she (and you) would not lose him. Or that he come to harm.

The "showing her love" of which you speak,indulging your heartfelt desire to minister to her, to dote on her, to embrace her, right now, would be flopping, too. In my way of seeing this. With that you know you would be embracing the self-indulgence, the moral laziness, the addictive and degrading lifestyle. A parent's task is so multi-faceted. Boundaries and limits, and pulling for autonomy and growth are a part of nurture, too. And then, we are talking about an adult here. An adult mother.

She is capable of change. This is not somebody without the potential to have resources. At this point, still, she sees her resources as outside of her, probably in you. I see one of our jobs as standing firm, to locate our locus of control in us. To feel our power as internal to us, not in their manipulations, or suffering. This is hard. For me, this is hard. But doable. Your greatest love (and strength) and my own, would be to do this, I believe.

In my own experience I have done better by fortifying boundaries, both internal ones in my own psyche, and external ones, like limits. Than by indulgence either to myself or my son.

We are putting in hard stops for my son, even though these are extremely painful for us, more so than for him, I think. And increasingly he's showing the inclination to respect them. As well as finding that things he's avoided, actually may give him self-esteem, pleasure and a greater capacity to self-regulate. And the remarkable thing, he seems more open to his love for me. His love must feel less threatening to him. Because he may feel greater autonomy. I hope.

As I write this I realize that the discipline for me to act from hard stops, consistency, clarity and follow through, while it gives me no pleasure gives me greater self esteem and capacity to self-regulate, too.

 

[ChickPea]

The "showing her love" of which you speak,indulging your heartfelt desire to minister to her, to dote on her, to embrace her, right now, would be flopping, too. In my way of seeing this. With that you know you would be embracing the self-indulgence, the moral laziness, the addictive and degrading lifestyle. A parent's task is so multi-faceted. Boundaries and limits, and pulling for autonomy and growth are a part of nurture, too. And then, we are talking about an adult here. An adult mother.

She is capable of change. This is not somebody without the potential to have resources. At this point, still, she sees her resources as outside of her, probably in you. I see one of our jobs as standing firm, to locate our locus of control in us. To feel our power as internal to us, not in their manipulations, or suffering. This is hard. For me, this is hard. But doable. Your greatest love (and strength) and my own, would be to do this, I believe.

"Flopping" is a great way of describing it. You are correct, she is capable.

Today she said she wants to see if she can qualify for in-patient treatment. She was given the opportunity for outpatient, though I don't think she's even gone or followed through with it. So she can say whatever she wants, but there's absolutely no proof of action. But we are supposed to go along with whatever sticky story she tells us.

Part of my detaching from this is to hear the words she says, but not allow an immediate response (emotionally, action) to it. She is in her own reality and believes a lot of her lies (or takes a non-response from someone/me as an indicator that I've fallen for her lies). She wants the authority of a parent but has not stepped up to the responsibility (ex. "I want to dress him up like this for Halloween... or I want to grow his hair long...)

At this point we need some tangible change. WE need to see it, my husband and I. Not words, or telling us what she's going to do (famous for this), but actual visible gains and evidence.

 

[Copabanana]

We are exactly here, too:

So she can say whatever she wants, but there's absolutely no proof of action.

Which has led us to this:

actual visible gains and evidence.

Finally, at the end of my rope I told my son 3 weeks ago, "we will let you stay (in a home I own) one night for each day you demonstrate with proof you have worked."

It turned out he found that day a volunteer position at the food bank. He begins his fourth week tomorrow. He is resisting mightily bringing the verification. We accommodated him, because the manager said verification could only be provided weekly. OK. But he's having the hardest time meeting this requirement.

The upshot is we won't let him in the house. Until he conforms.

The reality is we suffer more than does he, watching him squat in the backyard. He will not move on, because he has no good options. Or, is it because he has no incentive to do so, because we are still in the game, which is his game. He still insists that he makes the rules.

One could argue this is enabling on my part. Because if I called the police to arrest him for trespass, or if I stopped completely dealing with him, he would have to come up with some way of living, completely independent of me. I think this would be considered as allowing him to "hit bottom."

But the last time we did this, he just kept falling. I came to the belief that as a parent, I could and would support my adult son, if he worked with me.

So far, it's hit and miss. I would have defined it as a "win" almost a month of consistently working full time in a charitable project. However, while he insists he likes the work and setting, he's doing this only "under the gun."

I see us in comparable situations. Trying to provide support and incentive and boundaries, with adult children who (still) lack the age-appropriate resources and motivation to do this themselves.