To MommaRN :
My son is older than your daughter and has been cycling through these behaviors for years - I am finally seeing more clearly and maybe you can learn from my mistakes. I only found this " peace " after years of attempts to provide help and guidance. Lots of tears and faceplants, both of us.
My insights :
A one time "leg up " for a young adult is fine. A pattern of repeated rescuing is harmful. I see now that I only extended his dysfunctional years. My rescues delayed his recovery.
I taught all of my children to be kind and personally responsible- but it took me Years to realize that I needed to teach them to treat me as well as I expected them to treat others. Years.
I still will send him links to nearby healthcare / treatment centers - if he tells me there are no other resources than my home or my checkbook. As I type this he just texted me " thank you" for my last suggestion.
If he is respectful and wants to be in close communication with me - I offer all of the encouragement and suggestions I can - wanting to build him up and reassure him that he Can fix this , embrace a healthy life , financially independent instead of couch surfing. I know for myself - sometimes words of encouragement have saved me. So I try to do the same for him. Sometimes we are too overwhelmed and defeated to see the path.
Lastly - lately I think of my grandparents and my parents. World Wars, Great Depression. Those generations were not whiners. They never complained - not even in later years when their health declined. They were tough. If they ever shared a story about going through a struggle they quickly wrapped it up with a shrug and a smile and gratitude for where they are now.
Far contrast from my children - and myself. It gives me perspective , lately.
That being said , my heart goes out to you. It's painful - and if you deny the tears , the heavy heart will clobber you later when you aren't looking. So go ahead and cry.
The " tough love " that everyone else in your child's life can employ - that just doesn't apply to mothers. We still have to Do It. But it's like putting on metal armor.
It sure helps to know other parents are out there.
As I age , I know I won't always be here to rescue. So maybe my mother instincts are kicking in after all - we have to leave them strong and independent.[
Dear BlueMountain:
I enjoyed reading your post. I suffer from not being able to discern when to have compassion and when to let go. I believe as you said, a leg up for someone is a compassionate and reasonable thing, especially for young children. However my children (both son and daughter) have developed a life long dependency problem, both on addictive substances and people. Neither have been able to stay afoot for long, and over the years I have seen a downward spiral from just being young goof offs, to now being adults incapable of holding jobs, homes, bank accounts, etc. They have both burned all the bridges, leaving behind friendships that are broken, family that is burned out, employers who no longer are willing to give chances and banks that will not open accounts which is not helpful.
Recently, after long years of counseling and a long string of jail, homelessness for both of my children, and joining this and other support groups I think I have begun to realize that I do not have to feel that it is my job to rescue these adults who call me mom and only communicate with me based on their needs. I do feel guilty and afraid when they are homeless. My son spend last winter (20 below zero at times) in a shed, hiding from the law due to a meth lab explosion caused by him and his addict girlfriend that happened in his 87 yo grandmothers (ex mother in law) house where the girlfriend was burned and taken to a burn unit spending a month. I have never felt such fear, depression and confusion. There is questions on if my daughter was there at the time, no mention was made of it when my son was finally arrested and taken to jail for a second meth charge. And all the while, here i am trying to figure out how to "help" them. I am now seeing that it is they that will have to provide the effort. Compassion, in the form of love, moral support, and occasional rides to work or other reasonable forms of real help is ok, but re raising them is just not possible. My son, in jail waiting a sentence to be issued, is mad at his father who had helped him the first time, to be treated to his mothers house nearly being burned down due to the meth explosion, for refusing to visit him or help him again. My problem is that I cannot imagine feeling that way, and when I talk to him he is indignant even though he is in jail, that his father has written him off. He just cant let go and this pattern seems to be never ending, so if you don't give him what he wants, then he will say things like, "dont worry I will never ask you for anything again", which you know he will and it is the same pattern. My daughter is now getting on her feet after a 2 year long relationship with drugs and drug addicted boyfriend. She was living with her adult daughter until they ended up in a fight which the police were called to and resulted in her having no home. So, in my opinion it goes against a mothers instinct as most here agree, to see a hurting person who is your child, and feel compelled to not help. I think it is the understanding of what help actually means. It just goes against my heart to not want to dust them off, and try to make them better. But my idea of help is now changing thanks to this forum, counseling and other support forms. I am broken hearted to see my adult children living like this but I will keep reading and getting a better understanding so that I don't beat myself up when I feel that I have become cold hearted or am not using compassion. This is not an easy life to live through and compassion is now what I need.
