Daughter is now dancing privately for money. What's next, prostitution?

[Nomad]

I'm so sorry. I agree with what DDD posted. It is time for detachment in a major way. Turn off your phones at night. These are things you don't need to hear about. It doesn't do you any good. It does no one any good. So, what's the point? You put in your tag line, you are seeking outside help. Are you seeing a therapist? I hope so, 'cause this is a lot of stress for a mother. I would recommend going to meetings, therapy and reading appropriate literature including items on detachment, setting boundaries and spiritual literature. I like your scripture from Timothy. You will likely need to rely on your spiritual faith to help get you through this deep grief. You might tell her that you love her, that if she would like therapy you will do your best to pay for it (if you can afford it), but you have no interest in hearing about the day to day business of her life. Then I would GREATLY limit conversations with her. And I mean GREATLY. Figure out a way to communicate with her on an "as needed" basis, limiting and controlling the conversation to essentials. Yep, turn your phone off at night. Think back to what you enjoy and make it a point to do those things. Move forward as best as you can. Life moves on even with this difficulty in the background. Slowly, but surely, it will get easier. You deserve something better than this pain. Reach out and grab it.

 

[DammitJanet]

I wouldnt worry so much if she was dancing clubs. Those are at least fairly regulated and safer with the bouncers and such. The doing it on her own through what I can only assume is a craigslist ad, is more concerning to me, especially with all the stories in the news. I think I would try to steer her into club dancing if she was intent on doing this. She might even make more money considering the tips and all if she is actually good. I would also worry that if she is doing this solo that she has a pimp...er manager, that is taking her profits.

 

[Nancy]

Bean you and I are living the same nightmare.

I now turn off my cell phone at night. I use to keep it on and wake up all night looking to see if I have a text from her. She has our house phone number and can call if she needs too. Saturday night I was in NY with easy child and my cell wasa turned way down. When I woke int he morning I found out she texted me at 3:49 am asking if she could come home to sleep and leave the next morning because she got locked out of where she was staying. Oh well, I didn't get it and she didn't freeze to death even in Cleveland's horrible weather. The point is she is living on the street or in friends' houses, that's what she chose. With that choice comes consequences and I can no longer lose every night's sleep over worrying about it.

I am so sorry you are in this nightmare too.

Nancy

 

[Bean]

I'm so sorry. I agree with what DDD posted. It is time for detachment in a major way. Turn off your phones at night. These are things you don't need to hear about. It doesn't do you any good. It does no one any good. So, what's the point? You put in your tag line, you are seeking outside help. Are you seeing a therapist? I hope so, 'cause this is a lot of stress for a mother. I would recommend going to meetings, therapy and reading appropriate literature including items on detachment, setting boundaries and spiritual literature. I like your scripture from Timothy. You will likely need to rely on your spiritual faith to help get you through this deep grief. You might tell her that you love her, that if she would like therapy you will do your best to pay for it (if you can afford it), but you have no interest in hearing about the day to day business of her life. Then I would GREATLY limit conversations with her. And I mean GREATLY. Figure out a way to communicate with her on an "as needed" basis, limiting and controlling the conversation to essentials. Yep, turn your phone off at night. Think back to what you enjoy and make it a point to do those things. Move forward as best as you can. Life moves on even with this difficulty in the background. Slowly, but surely, it will get easier. You deserve something better than this pain. Reach out and grab it.

Yes, I am seeing a counselor for talk/behavior therapy and then am also going to a psychiatric for medications. Didn't want to go the medication route, but the last few years have really taken a toll on me. I've got some PTSD going on. She is still under our insurance, and has help available if she wants.

Thanks for the suggestions. I think detachment (for me) is in steps, and I need to climb another one. It's like velcro; I've got to remove a bit more of the hold.

I do check her Facebook. It's a double-edged sword because I know she's alive if she posting (sounds weird, but you know...), but what she posts tends to make me a bit irritated. I subscribe to her posts and get a text. Maybe discontinuing that is the first step. I also sleep with my cell by me. I didn't used to, so that is a step backward. I'm going to try to start keeping it upstairs, out of my room, like I used to. And then will maybe work on turning it off. I've done a bit better at limiting, and not answering every time she calls. But I definitely need to work on buffering/detaching in other ways, too.

I would much rather he be at a club, if she needs to be. Honestly I don't know if they'd hire her, though. She really has a difficult time keeping to any schedule. She's been staying up all night lately.

The point is she is living on the street or in friends' houses, that's what she chose.

Nancy, you are right.

 

[Nancy]

Bean the clubs around here let the girls make their own schedule. They work whenever they want, open door policy. It works for difficult child because she can't keep a schedule either. I am tempted for husband and I to go there one night and surprise her.

Nancy

 

[Nomad]

Not only would I turn my cell phone off at night, I would NOT check FB pages.
I would also use caller ID and not answer the house phone from difficult child past 10 during the week days and 11 on the weekends. And if my difficult child has been acting inappropriately or rude to me, I might not answer at all for a day or answer (if it was at an appropriate hour) but keep the conversation extremely short until I felt that my difficult child was able to keep herself together and be respecful.
The only way I would check the FB page (on a rare occasion) if I had first hand information... a very real concern.... that her life is was in danger. If I saw something on the FB page that indicated a threat of suicide, or something equally dangerous, I would call the police.
However, honestly, I think it is best to avoid the FB page like the plague. in my humble opinion, just not a good idea at all to check it out.