Daughter jobless, homeless, 2 special needs kids in tow. Update on her situation.

[Kat9]

I’m super depressed today. I’m a basket case every time I talk to daughter. Recently I was very ill and she kept calling and I was too sick to face her drama and all her problems. She never calls me. All her adult life I did all the calling and she seldom answered. She was having her fun. Only called if she wanted something. So this man she moved in less than a month after her husband died has a prison background For armed robbery that ended in murder. She turned her ATM over to him to go to Walmart for groceries and bring back the receipt. She says he would not give it back. Finally after some time she went into his wallet and got it back. Her social security card seemed to disappear and reappear in her wallet. The man also has a roommate. Needless to say all her savings of maybe as much as $15,000 was spent. She said she didn’t really have 15k that her husband had loans against part of it but she didn’t tell me how much she was left with when he died. He overdrew her bank account and she has payment and insurance on her car that bounced. She’s been thrown out of apartments twice for staying with people because she went over a 5 day visiting rule. The second apartment is going to let her move into an apartment and let her pay the rent out because she is homeless with two kids. Because she trusted this man with her entire savings I’m not helping her. She was just too lazy to take her special needs kids to Walmart herself. Plus she tried to file taxes and he fraudulent had filed already taxes on the kids to get tax refund on them when they haven’t even been there enough months legally to do that. Her husband hasn’t even been dead that long. So he’s stollen her kids identities to commit more fraud probably on top of what he’s gotten out of her already. . This is the worst situation she has ever been in. I also don’t know if anything she is telling me is the truth. I do love her so it hurts to tell her no. But she’s not going to learn otherwise unless She begins to take steps to support her own self instead of looking to other people to do all her duties and responsibilities for her. It’s very painful to see her make such bad decisions and end up in such bad shape. Even worse will happen if she doesn’t change Like failure of health and mind and death. I’m wondering if she’s going on drug benders even though she’s not known to do drugs. Her decisions are worse than what crack heads make.

 

[Copabanana]

he fraudulent had filed already taxes on the kids to get tax refund on them

Hello Kat9 and welcome! As I read your story, I don't see any room for you to take responsibility for your daughter or her children. You are ill and her demands seem to only make you feel sicker.

But she’s not going to learn otherwise unless She begins to take steps to support her own self

In my own experience, we need to focus on our own welfare. Whether or not our adult children learn from their mistakes is their business and their responsibility not ours.

I’m a basket case every time I talk to daughter. Recently I was very ill and she kept calling and I was too sick to face her drama and all her problems.

The focus needs to be on you. Setting external boundaries, for example, when you will or will not answer the phone; and having internal boundaries to deal with feelings such as fear, obligation and guilt, what we call FOG.

This man she's been involved with has committed crimes. Now he's preying on the kids, indirectly, but who knows what will be the consequences. I support you to step back from this drama and to protect your emotions and your health. Your daughter's welfare is her responsibility, not yours.

I really do feel for the kids. How confusing for them to have a new guy show up after the death of their father. That he is a predator is just so sad for them. That their mom can't seem to take into account her responsibility to them let alone herself is a great sadness, but not your responsibility if you do not choose to or are unable to take this on.

 

[Kat9]

Thanks Copacabana. I had never done this to her but because I felt so emotionally vulnerable to her I did not speak to her for a couple of weeks until my medical tests were done. I had a 6 day colonoscopy prep, six days because mine was a special gentle type for people with liver issues. During all this my husband and I were real sick at home with Covid. Plus I needed to think about how I was going to deal with her and come up with a plan of what to say. I didn’t lay any blame on her. I just said it was due to my health expenses and the state of our nation causing me even more financial in stability. I’m not someone with much income. She was very mad at her brother for not taking her in, I explained to her that normal people with normal kids who have to work full time and raise their own kids can’t cope with her special needs children after they get home and deal with all the baggage that brings. That it would cause her brother to jeopardize his own relationship with his foster child and jeopardize his functionality at work. Her autistic son pees and poops on furniture and destroys things in the home. So no one can deal with that.she had gotten a cash app and I wouldn’t even give her gas money. That seems ridiculous to refuse but I know if I start that she’ll be calling multiple times a week for cash app deposits And my stress would escalate and my budget issues would escalate. I really need to drive it home to her by backing off that she can’t expect other people to take care of her and do all her work. She wants welfare money on the kids but doesn’t want to care for them properly, train them, mother them, feed them properly. She’s 50 years old. Too old to be acting this way. shes Never been ambitious, she did used to work before having the kids with special needs. But after that she decided to just live off the government And beg other people to help her take care of the kids and do her housework for her. Because she is the way she is she only attracts bad people.

 

[Copabanana]

I wouldn’t even give her gas money. That seems ridiculous to refuse

I don't feel this is one bit ridiculous to refuse. She is a bottomless pit. You can't even get started with her. You are not wrong. You don't have to justify yourself. Fifty years old is old enough to know better and to do better. Even if you weren't ill, you would have the right to set a limit, and you would have a right to have peace in your own life. She owns her own life. She can live as she wants and is able. The thing is, if she crosses the line she will have her children taken from her, and that would be the right thing, in my book.