Daughter not speaking to me

[Mamacat]

I'm so glad to have found y'all for over 8 years I've heled my 45 year of daughter. Two abusive husbands. It would take hours to tell everything I've done.in march I gave her my car. She said she was going to get s job, would pay me for it, etc,etc. Of course that hasn't happened. She went to another state supposedly to get away from abuser. She has no credit and wanted me to sign for an apartment. I said no. No way. She's liable to leave any minute and I'm stuck with an apartment in another state. I have 2 granddaughters that ii love so much. I've been with them since they were babies. I'm the only grandma they have. Now she won't speak to me. I sent one text asking to speak to the girls. No response. I'm not sending any more. I'm very hurt and angry. I'm concerned the girls will think their grandma has abandoned them. one is having as birthday on Nov. 1. I've bought some gifts to send. I don't have an address for her, but i have one for a friend. I honesty don't miss her, but I miss my grandchildren so much.

 

[jetsam]

amann, hello, sorry you are going through this heartache.! I can relate. Im a grandma of a 8yo little girl who also lives out of state. Her mother (my sons ex) has a drug use problem.In the past she would ask for help with money using my granddaughter as a pawn.. you know the "there gonna turn off the heat and your granddaughter will be cold, or the we have no food and i got laid off...on and on always a new problem.. well I found out that the money was going for other things than what was intended for (no surprise there.) so i started only sending items instead of money. i would buy birthday gifts, school clothes, christmas gifts. never send a receipt and remove tags (so she couldn't take it back to the store for money) that worked for awhile then she started to press for money again. I had to tell her no. she said i didn't care about my grandchild...blah blah etc... It was so hard for me but i told her that i was sorry she felt that way but i felt i was doing what i needs to . so i don't hear anything from her anymore. I don't know where they are living either at present so I have been sending things to a friend who sees them from time to time. Its hard and i would love it to be different, but for now it is what it is. Hang in there! do things for yourself and look for ways to distract yourself when you find yourself slipping down that slope of sadness . keeping busy always helps me.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Amann, welcome. I'm sorry for your struggles with your daughter. I too have a 43 year old daughter who has taken me around the enabling block a great many times. It is so much more painful when there are grandkids involved. I know. I went to court and fought my daughter for my granddaughter and then raised her.......

At this point, there is not much you can do, that powerlessness is very difficult to deal with. My best advice for you is to get support for you. You've been at this a long, long time and you're likely just exhausted from all of it. Now would be the time for you to begin putting the focus on yourself and taking it off your daughter. It's time for you to take back your life and find the peace of mind and joy that you deserve.

If your daughter has any mental illness, try contacting NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, you can reach them online, they have chapters in many cities and they offer wonderful courses for us parents to learn to cope with our adult kids and their issues. They offer guidance, resources, support, information and all around help. If that feels right, give them a call. If you aren't in some kind of counseling, I'd recommend you begin, this path we are all on is extremely challenging and can cost us our well being, our financial security and all of our resources, physical, emotional, mental & financial. Develop what we refer to as our tool box, which are all the resources we utilize to help ourselves......as simple as getting enough sleep, exercising, eating right, getting support, laughing, playing, having fun and enjoying life.

The truth is that our kids rarely change on their own, so it becomes about US doing the changing. Often that means to stop enabling, stop the flow of money to them, stop answering their calls, stop allowing them to disrespect us, stop the manipulation and to create strong, impenetrable boundaries. To that end, you might read, Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie, it's helpful.

You might want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here, its a helpful article which offers quite a bit of information.

Keep posting, it helps. I'm glad you're here, there are many wise warrior parents here to offer you a safe place to talk about and get support with your adult difficult child.

 

[Tanya M]

Welcome Amman,

I'm so sorry for the heartache you are going through. It's so hard when an adult child will use their own children as a pawn. Your daughter is probably counting on you to feel so horrible about not seeing your grands that you will give into her demands.
Stand strong and don't give in!
How old are your granddaughters?

I'm glad you found us here. Please keep posting and let us know how things are going.

((HUGS)) to you..................

 

[Mamacat]

Thank you for your responses. It such a relief to have a place to go to where others understand. I am in codependant's anonymous. I have a sponsor and find the meetings very helpful. I'm now in the process of locating counseling through my insurance. My granddaughters, ages 8and 6, are definitely the reason I've given to her because ii felt if I didn't, I would not be seeing them. She works minimally and is never able to provide as birthday party or Christmas. This is where I would step in so the girls can have those things. And I was right. She does keep me from seeing the girls. Now it's time to let them go. I have to also let the girls go because it's a package deal. I trust that one day I will see them again. In the measntime I'll send letters and packages for birthdays, etc.

 

[recoveringenabler]

So good that you're in Coda and will be getting a counselor too. I'm so sorry about your granddaughters, that's tough, but you have a positive outlook on it.........hang in there......you're not alone, we know how you feel.....

 

[Tanya M]

whenever you have the chance to see your granddaughters make sure you let them know how much you love them. Tell them that even though you may not get to see them all the time that you think about them every day. Always make the most of the time you get to spend with them.
I hope your daughter will soften and let you see them soon. Hopefully for the birthday.

 

[JaneBetty]

Amann, I have very happy memories of one of my grandmothers, and I think of her often with love in my heart.

I suspect that your granddaughters think of you that way as well.

You will have a loving relationship with them someday, they will not forget your kindness to them, I promise.

 

[Mamacat]

Thank you so much tandemdame....what you said meant a lot to me . Others have told me that, but I wasn't ready to hear it. I'm hearing it now and it comforts me. Thanks again.

 

[Mamacat]

I have a question. One of my granddaughter's birthday is on Nov. 1. They are in another state so I won't be seeing her, not withstanding the fact that their mom not speaking to me. It's been almost 3 weeks since I said no to her request. So here is the question. I've bought some gifts that I was going to mail to her friend's house since I have no address for her. A friend of mijne in the mental health field suggested I not do that because iin the past she has taken the gifts back and gotten the money. That it would be hard for the girls to see the gifts and then have the gifts go back to the store. She suggested sending cards. I want her to get gifts and am hoping her mom will let her have them. She said it would hurt the girls deeply to see that their grandma who they love sends them something and then their mother who they also love, takes them away. Causes major trust issues. Do any of you have any experience with this?

 

[BusynMember]

Send granddaughter something that you can sew or draw, if you can. I wouldn't send anything she can return. She may not even tell the girls you sent the gifts, but take them back for money. It is sad when our adult children hold our grandchildren for ransom but with the types of personality disorders and anger our adult children display, sadly it is not uncommon. I am very sad for your hurting heart.

 

[JaneBetty]

Send granddaughter something that you can sew or draw, if you can. I wouldn't send anything she can return. She may not even tell the girls you sent the gifts, but take them back for money. It is sad when our adult children hold our grandchildren for ransom but with the types of personality disorders and anger our adult children display, sadly it is not uncommon. I am very sad for your hurting heart.

I think this is very good advice. Send something you made, even something you baked, it shows you care and that you are thinking about the grandgirls.

 

[Mamacat]

Thank you for your response. I'll get some little things she can't return.

 

[Snow White]

Amann, I'm sorry to hear of your daughter's behaviour towards you. I don't have grandchildren and can only imagine the heartache this causes you. I don't have any additional advice from what the others have offered.

Just wanted to extend hugs and prayers to you.

 

[Mamacat]

Thank you mcdonna. You have no idea how happy I am to have found this place. Did some crying today. I'm glad I have a sweet hubby who holds me while I cry. He's been through a lot also. It almost destroyed our marriage. He's a step dad.

 

[JaneBetty]

Thank you mcdonna. You have no idea how happy I am to have found this place. Did some crying today. I'm glad I have a sweet hubby who holds me while I cry. He's been through a lot also. It almost destroyed our marriage. He's a step dad.

I too have found great comfort and support here, it makes me feel less alone. I'm glad you feel the same

 

[Tanya M]

You can also remove all the tags and pricing from the gifts, that way there will be nothing to identify the store it came from.

You say you can send them to a friends house. Can the friend guarantee that she will make sure the gift is given to your granddaughter? If she can guarantee this then your granddaughter will know it came from you. If the mom decides to take the gift away that is on her. I know it would hurt your granddaughter but at least she would know that you care about her.

 

[Mamacat]

Amann, welcome. I'm sorry for your struggles with your daughter. I too have a 43 year old daughter who has taken me around the enabling block a great many times. It is so much more painful when there are grandkids involved. I know. I went to court and fought my daughter for my granddaughter and then raised her.......

At this point, there is not much you can do, that powerlessness is very difficult to deal with. My best advice for you is to get support for you. You've been at this a long, long time and you're likely just exhausted from all of it. Now would be the time for you to begin putting the focus on yourself and taking it off your daughter. It's time for you to take back your life and find the peace of mind and joy that you deserve.

If your daughter has any mental illness, try contacting NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, you can reach them online, they have chapters in many cities and they offer wonderful courses for us parents to learn to cope with our adult kids and their issues. They offer guidance, resources, support, information and all around help. If that feels right, give them a call. If you aren't in some kind of counseling, I'd recommend you begin, this path we are all on is extremely challenging and can cost us our well being, our financial security and all of our resources, physical, emotional, mental & financial. Develop what we refer to as our tool box, which are all the resources we utilize to help ourselves......as simple as getting enough sleep, exercising, eating right, getting support, laughing, playing, having fun and enjoying life.

The truth is that our kids rarely change on their own, so it becomes about US doing the changing. Often that means to stop enabling, stop the flow of money to them, stop answering their calls, stop allowing them to disrespect us, stop the manipulation and to create strong, impenetrable boundaries. To that end, you might read, Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie, it's helpful.

You might want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here, its a helpful article which offers quite a bit of information.

Keep posting, it helps. I'm glad you're here, there are many wise warrior parents here to offer you a safe place to talk about and get support with your adult difficult child.

I have a question. Do you have any contact with your daughter today? I have thought about trying to get the girls, but not sure I have a leg to stand on

 

[recoveringenabler]

I have a question. Do you have any contact with your daughter today? I have thought about trying to get the girls, but not sure I have a leg to stand on

Yes Amann, I see my daughter quite often now. Over time we've been able to work out a new relationship where I am not enabling her.

I sought legal permanent guardianship with my granddaughter who was 11 when I started the proceedings. It's not easy to get guardianship, most of the time the courts like to keep the children with the parents unless there is a serious threat of some kind.

You can google guardianship in your county to find out what your state's rules are if you are interested. If you think the girls are being abused or neglected, you could also contact CPS and make some inquiries. I'm happy to answer any questions you may have.

 

[Mamacat]

They're not neglected. They kept clean and fed. I know she yells at them and uses the f word when she's frustrated. But that's about it. A friend who works in the mental health field suspects she's borderline personality disorder, maybe bipolar. A doctor gave her medications for depression and anxiety. Was there a diagnosis for your daughter?

 

[recoveringenabler]

No, my daughter has no diagnosis yet. However, she has made an appointment to see a psychiatrist which is a good sign. There is a lot of mental illness in my family and I've noticed the ones most afflicted often have no desire to get a diagnosis.....sigh.

Borderline personality disorder is a tough one, there were times I thought my daughter may have that as well, but I no longer think that. If you believe your daughter has it, if someone hasn't already recommended it, you might try reading Stop walking on Eggshells, which is about Borderline (BPD), a lot of folks here highly recommend it.