BusynMember1
Well-Known Member
A lot of people are almost born with challenges that make life hard. Some deal with this better than others. I would love to tell this to Kay, but she won't hear of it. To her, life for her is just awful and she is jinxed. Nothing can make it better. Well, nothing except others giving her money and gifts etc.
Kay was born to an impoverished mother, father unknown, and in a very poor country. She spent a few months in an orphanage and then with a foster family. Who knows what happened before we got her. I am learning that infancy is important. Even very early infancy. Maybe that's why so many adopted kids are a mess? I don't know why.
Not all adopted kids are a mess, but the numbers of adopted kids with mental health and substance abuse issues are disheartening. Heredity? I thought our love would make Kay happy and healthy and did not think about heredity. Not back then. We loved Kay as soon as we got her photo and biography. I felt similar to when I got pregnant, filled with endless love for MY child.
My husband and I both cried the first time Kay was handed to us in her cute outfit and blanket. She did not cry, but did not smile either. She did start crying in our hotel and cried all the flight home except when sleeping but we were smitten.
Life went on. Kay slept in a nursery fit for a princess. We doted on her. She cried. Others doted on her. She cried. The doctor thought she had colic.
Kay always cried a lot. As she grew older we found out that she had both learning and behavioral challenges that we were told by her very well recommended pediatrician she would outgrow. She was beautiful and could be charming to strangers. She tantrummed mostly at home
As soon as she could comprehend adoption, that was her excuse for everything she didn't like, and she didn't like much. She was verbal at a young age, although she stuttered. "You and Daddy are mean to me cuz you're not my real Mommy and Daddy! I want them! Take me to them!" She would demand this. It started in kindergarten.
This just broke our hearts. We treated her like a princess. We gave her ballet, music lessons, gymnastics...anything she wanted to do. Except for playing piano,she dropped out of everything. We wanted her to stick to things and took her to the classes even when she didn't want to go, but she would sit down and face the wall and refuse to participate. Girl Scouts. Singing. Theatre. Nope. She was a very talented piano player, could play by ear and write music, but she finally quit that in her teens. That really broke our hearts. She was so talented.
She was not a great student, but she got Bs and Cs until the drugs started...that was in high school. Bad. She would not talk to co.unselors or do rehab. She would get thrown out of any help we tried to force on her. We tried sending her to a boarding school for teens with mental health issues. She was caught with drugs and sent home. Heartbroken again. She had been doing well there. We were told. We thought.
In spite of drugging, Kay went to an alternative public school after that and kept up Bs and Cs. She decided however not to pursue any college at all, although college would have been paid up. Nope. She ran off with Lee and at first we were happy because Lee didn't want her to do hard drugs, just pot. She listened to him.
Too bad pot makes her paranoid, unmotivated, and exasperates her mental health issues, which her boarding school psychologist felt were impending bipolar and borderline.
Kay, if she has these challenges, will not go for help and is really mean to us in spite of our relentless attempts to set her on the right path and give her every advantage. She never stopped telling us that being adopted and "kidnapped" from her country of origin ruined her life. This wounded us.
I cant tell you how guilty we felt about adopting Kay. I know it sounds crazy, but until recently we wondered if she WOULD have been better in her home country, even in an orphanage. They don't adopt there, certainly not girls. Her foster family was short term. But we felt guilty.
Guilty because she said she felt out of place in our family and country. She felt like a misfit. Her words. Yet anytime we asked her if she wanted us to take her for a visit she was vague and eventually would cry and say she doesn't want to go because it would be too hard. If we asked why she would say we wouldn't understand. Then she would not talk about it or throw a fit. So we never went.
Kay is not the only adopted child on the planet and her learning disabilities are not horrible. I don't know what is mental illness and what is substance abuse with Kay. I do not believe her mental illness makes her mean. I believe that, mixed with pot and kratom, and her unwillingness to treat whatever is wrong with and bothering her makes her mean. I also believe she was born with a difficult temperament from the little biography we got from the agency.
I have since given birth to two children who were normal babies. I thought there was something wrong with my younger daughter because she was so quiet and content!
Kay makes her own problems worse by refusing to accept help, by smoking weed, and by being so unpleasant that nobody wants her around anymore. She had every opportunity to get loving support, psychiatric help, and have a good life. She wouldn't take advantage of anything. Still will not.
At this point, it is up to her. We did detach with love. I am sure Kay knows we love her. But we are done even reading texts that are abusive, let alone validating her incorrect memories or thoughts about us. We don't give her an ear unless she is nice, which she never is. I'm amazed at how long Kay can hold a grudge, especially about things that never even happened.
At this point, Kay doesn't contact us at all. She told us that if we did not help her out (translation: pay her bills) then we can't talk to her or see Jaden. And we meant it so we haven't heard from her at all. We do know that Lee and Kay are on the verge of homelessness. Neither will work hard. Kay won't work at all. Whose fault is that? Are we somehow the problem? Is it her adoption? Does it matter? Kay CAN work at SOME job. She just won't. She has done okay at restaurant jobs but she'd quit.
Kay's bad life is her own fault. We finally stopped listening to her blame us, which was another reason she cut us off. Honestly, most days we are more at peace. Yes, we feel guilty about this as well, but it's true
When you are born with challenges, you do have to work harder, but many do. I meet a lot of people due to our business and hear many stories. I met a blind woman who finished grad school and now has a really good job and gets around amazingly well. She is married and has a child that she cares for better than Kay cares for Jaden. Her mother helps out. Any mother would be proud to help this bubbly, sweet, positive young woman out. This is not the only story like this I know about.
I also see and hear about people like Kay who look their noses down at everyone and everything and are angry. Kay is not the only person to throw her life away.
I believe we make our own lives as good as we can or we make them miserable. We can't make life easy, but we can adapt a positive attitude and it really helps.
Our kids take their lives to the lowest common denominators and we love them, so we go with them. Unless we decide not to join them. We are not bad parents if we decide to have happy lives, in spite of our kids refusing to do so. Why do we feel we have to go down the abyss with them and ruin our other relationships too?
I am all tapped out. This was my therapy for the day. It felt good!
Kay was born to an impoverished mother, father unknown, and in a very poor country. She spent a few months in an orphanage and then with a foster family. Who knows what happened before we got her. I am learning that infancy is important. Even very early infancy. Maybe that's why so many adopted kids are a mess? I don't know why.
Not all adopted kids are a mess, but the numbers of adopted kids with mental health and substance abuse issues are disheartening. Heredity? I thought our love would make Kay happy and healthy and did not think about heredity. Not back then. We loved Kay as soon as we got her photo and biography. I felt similar to when I got pregnant, filled with endless love for MY child.
My husband and I both cried the first time Kay was handed to us in her cute outfit and blanket. She did not cry, but did not smile either. She did start crying in our hotel and cried all the flight home except when sleeping but we were smitten.
Life went on. Kay slept in a nursery fit for a princess. We doted on her. She cried. Others doted on her. She cried. The doctor thought she had colic.
Kay always cried a lot. As she grew older we found out that she had both learning and behavioral challenges that we were told by her very well recommended pediatrician she would outgrow. She was beautiful and could be charming to strangers. She tantrummed mostly at home
As soon as she could comprehend adoption, that was her excuse for everything she didn't like, and she didn't like much. She was verbal at a young age, although she stuttered. "You and Daddy are mean to me cuz you're not my real Mommy and Daddy! I want them! Take me to them!" She would demand this. It started in kindergarten.
This just broke our hearts. We treated her like a princess. We gave her ballet, music lessons, gymnastics...anything she wanted to do. Except for playing piano,she dropped out of everything. We wanted her to stick to things and took her to the classes even when she didn't want to go, but she would sit down and face the wall and refuse to participate. Girl Scouts. Singing. Theatre. Nope. She was a very talented piano player, could play by ear and write music, but she finally quit that in her teens. That really broke our hearts. She was so talented.
She was not a great student, but she got Bs and Cs until the drugs started...that was in high school. Bad. She would not talk to co.unselors or do rehab. She would get thrown out of any help we tried to force on her. We tried sending her to a boarding school for teens with mental health issues. She was caught with drugs and sent home. Heartbroken again. She had been doing well there. We were told. We thought.
In spite of drugging, Kay went to an alternative public school after that and kept up Bs and Cs. She decided however not to pursue any college at all, although college would have been paid up. Nope. She ran off with Lee and at first we were happy because Lee didn't want her to do hard drugs, just pot. She listened to him.
Too bad pot makes her paranoid, unmotivated, and exasperates her mental health issues, which her boarding school psychologist felt were impending bipolar and borderline.
Kay, if she has these challenges, will not go for help and is really mean to us in spite of our relentless attempts to set her on the right path and give her every advantage. She never stopped telling us that being adopted and "kidnapped" from her country of origin ruined her life. This wounded us.
I cant tell you how guilty we felt about adopting Kay. I know it sounds crazy, but until recently we wondered if she WOULD have been better in her home country, even in an orphanage. They don't adopt there, certainly not girls. Her foster family was short term. But we felt guilty.
Guilty because she said she felt out of place in our family and country. She felt like a misfit. Her words. Yet anytime we asked her if she wanted us to take her for a visit she was vague and eventually would cry and say she doesn't want to go because it would be too hard. If we asked why she would say we wouldn't understand. Then she would not talk about it or throw a fit. So we never went.
Kay is not the only adopted child on the planet and her learning disabilities are not horrible. I don't know what is mental illness and what is substance abuse with Kay. I do not believe her mental illness makes her mean. I believe that, mixed with pot and kratom, and her unwillingness to treat whatever is wrong with and bothering her makes her mean. I also believe she was born with a difficult temperament from the little biography we got from the agency.
I have since given birth to two children who were normal babies. I thought there was something wrong with my younger daughter because she was so quiet and content!
Kay makes her own problems worse by refusing to accept help, by smoking weed, and by being so unpleasant that nobody wants her around anymore. She had every opportunity to get loving support, psychiatric help, and have a good life. She wouldn't take advantage of anything. Still will not.
At this point, it is up to her. We did detach with love. I am sure Kay knows we love her. But we are done even reading texts that are abusive, let alone validating her incorrect memories or thoughts about us. We don't give her an ear unless she is nice, which she never is. I'm amazed at how long Kay can hold a grudge, especially about things that never even happened.
At this point, Kay doesn't contact us at all. She told us that if we did not help her out (translation: pay her bills) then we can't talk to her or see Jaden. And we meant it so we haven't heard from her at all. We do know that Lee and Kay are on the verge of homelessness. Neither will work hard. Kay won't work at all. Whose fault is that? Are we somehow the problem? Is it her adoption? Does it matter? Kay CAN work at SOME job. She just won't. She has done okay at restaurant jobs but she'd quit.
Kay's bad life is her own fault. We finally stopped listening to her blame us, which was another reason she cut us off. Honestly, most days we are more at peace. Yes, we feel guilty about this as well, but it's true
When you are born with challenges, you do have to work harder, but many do. I meet a lot of people due to our business and hear many stories. I met a blind woman who finished grad school and now has a really good job and gets around amazingly well. She is married and has a child that she cares for better than Kay cares for Jaden. Her mother helps out. Any mother would be proud to help this bubbly, sweet, positive young woman out. This is not the only story like this I know about.
I also see and hear about people like Kay who look their noses down at everyone and everything and are angry. Kay is not the only person to throw her life away.
I believe we make our own lives as good as we can or we make them miserable. We can't make life easy, but we can adapt a positive attitude and it really helps.
Our kids take their lives to the lowest common denominators and we love them, so we go with them. Unless we decide not to join them. We are not bad parents if we decide to have happy lives, in spite of our kids refusing to do so. Why do we feel we have to go down the abyss with them and ruin our other relationships too?
I am all tapped out. This was my therapy for the day. It felt good!
