Deadline is looming

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DaisyC1234, Sep 17, 2019.

  1. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    With the deadline of September 30th looming. My anxiety is super high. I feel nervous and scared. My parents are not talking to me nor have I reached out to them. I believe they are angry that I not helping my daughter they way they want me to. I am helping, just not their way. I purchased a very nice used car seat for the baby and have been letting her stay at my house since like April. Well at first it was only during the day so you can watch Mar, now it's like stay every night.

    Before I found out she was pregnant I told her she has until the end of September to figure out her living situation. She works part time, like twice a week, at this pizza place. Her options are go live with that guy at his house, its an on and off again kinda relationship or go stay with my parents 4 hours away or by some miracle she gets her own place.

    My other two kids have very busy schedules and I think I am going to have to impose a 3 day notice on baby sitting and limit it to only twice a week. I have things I want to do also and sometimes its nothing at all.

    When my daughter is not at our house the atmosphere is so different, then when she gets there everyone retreats to their rooms, because her space and bed is the couch. I feel like she expects me to feel sorry for her and I just can't this time. She is so draining and having to listen to talk it draining because that's all it is, is TALK. She seems sensible, but when it comes time to actually do these things, it's opposite or nothing at all.

    We love our grand daughter so much and will miss not seeing her as often, I know my son is going to really miss her. She's had all these years to do what she needs to do and didn't do anything and has nothing to show for it.

    I am just so scared, especially for my grand daughter.
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine what this is like but I know at least one other mom on here did the same thing and it worked.

    Prayers for your peace.
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  3. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    She got the Pell grant, so I cannot understand why she hasn't called to collect it. I know you don't want to get your hopes up. I would like to think that maybe this time things are going to be different. The teacher in me wants her to get the degree and show her two children how she worked so hard to earn it. People can change. However, based on her track record, we have to think realistically about this. I really want this for her. It's unlikely that as the birth of her second baby draws nigh, a light bulb suddenly went off and she realized she needs to think about her future and how to earn a living for those two kids. Then again, maybe... just maybe. Just being a single mom makes her eligible for a lot of services. I'm sure she could get housing assistance and WIC if she would just apply.
  4. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Ah, Crayola!!! Now I get it :)

    I always wondered why your focus was so much on school! A teacher! Great!

    Some of these kids just are not interested in school. Its a shame
  5. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I know how stressful this is- I put my daughter out with my granddaughter when she was an infant. It was terribly upsetting to me. I didn't sleep or eat much for days. That being said, as time went on she got herself together. Granted it took years, but still, progress is progress. Things are good now. I would say to you that if you are concerned about your granddaughter call CPS after she leaves. This can open a file on her and help keep track of the child. I did that several times to several different states and cities. When my daughter was in another location it worried me sick because there was no safety net for my granddaughter. I felt like CPS was my only option and if things were really bad at least they would be involved. I made no secret of this to my daughter. When she called freaking out I told her I called because I felt like she needed to realize she was actually in such a bad space that her own mother felt the need to call CPS on her. I hated every minute of those times and I feel bad for you that you are there now. Just know your number one priority must be your grandchildren. Also know that good things can happen. My daughter is in a good place now, my granddaughter is thriving. I never thought they would be in a good space like this, but my daughter did it. I certainly recognize her hard work as it has not been easy for her to dig herself out of the hole she created. But I also don't think she would be in the good place she is in now if she hadn't been forced to figure it out for herself. I know how horrible this is, and I hope you don't let your parents derail you. They have no comprehension what it's like living through this. You are doing the right thing. Your daughter is an adult and must be responsible for her life and the lives of her children. Sending peace to you.
  6. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    My job is to make them college ready by their junior year of high school, or college will be my harder for them. Some of that is because it's common for a student to be homebound with mono for two months. The state has to send a teacher to the student's house everyday unless he or she is contagious. We do whatever is necessary to get these kids college ready. We'll come to them if they cannot come to us.
  7. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    @Crayola13 , I honestly she proves us all wrong and she will go off doing something great. She's called about the Pell grant and it's always something. They said because she has $99 balance on her school account they won't release the funds. I told her to go pay it and that was a couple of weeks ago. She just drags her feet on these things. I did remind her earlier this week that the 30th still stand Pell grant money or not and she's like OK.

    She is currently on WIC and the state medical plan. She says she has an appointment for section 8 housing next week, wow that's cutting it close. Those usually have waiting lists. I honestly think she doesn't want to work at all.

    This weekend is my grand daughter's 3rd birthday and I believe my parents will be driving down, so that will be fun. My grand daughter is so excited this will be her first party. The other years were full of lies and saying there was a party planned when in fact there was not.

    I believe people can change also, but so far the only thing that's changed is her not drinking because she's pregnant. She's around more for my grand daughter, but still not job or place to live, which she could have done 6 years ago. She lived with my parents for 8 months and has nothing to show for it which

    I want to believe she's going on to better things, but it's going to be harder before it gets better for her. My parents might swoop in, who knows, but that's their business. The holidays in general will be "fun". I have called CPS on her because my grand daughter had a rash for like 3 months and she wasn't doing anything about it.

    I appreciate all the kind words and it some ways it makes me feel better knowing there are other that came out of this. I am honestly just scared I won't see my grand daughter. I was the main care taker when my daughter was MIA most of the time.
  8. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    To Dez, I am sure giving up the booze was a big, huge, major deal. She did it for the baby, which was the main reason. But, she needs to do for Dez, too. The mama cheetah feeds herself first so that she has the strength to hunt and take care of the cubs. Humans are the only animals that feed their babies first, then themselves. Most moms would say that doesn't make sense because the babies have to come first. For the cubs' needs to be met, the mom has to be nourished and ready to take care of those cubs. She might have to hunt, hide the cubs from predators, etc.
    That is why the cubs eat after mom.
  9. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    @Crayola13 You are correct! I always say and it seems selfish to me, but I need to take care of myself or I won't be able to take care of anyone else.

    I have been paying special attention to my other two children that I am still raising because I don't want them to feel like I'm not 100% there for them. I make it a point to make time to talk and listen. My Cass has a boyfriend now, so she's home even less, but we try and do lunch on Sundays. Orion is 15 and we talk on the way to and from golf practice and we take time to go though is backpack daily and sort it out. Both are doing great in school.

    I really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond and offer encouraging words.
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Daisy

    Of course this is hard. And with your parents undermining you, it's harder.

    Your daughter is an adult. Adults in our society who have their own families typically set up an independent household. Of course there are people who share households, but that is typically a voluntary, consensual thing, where everybody shares responsibilities and/or expenses.

    In your case, there is nothing voluntary or consensual about the arrangement. It appears that your daughter utilizes the services of anybody she can. It appears she does not contribute much. It appears as if her presence is burdensome and puts a damper on others in the household.

    Such is the case for most of us here whose adult children live with us.

    I believe that our primary responsibility is to dependent children who are living at home with their parents. Because they are too young to live independently. They need us. They need our support. They need the environment we provide. We are obligated to provide an environment that sustains and protects them. Your adult daughter has options. There are services and there is housing and there is substantial aid available to mothers with dependent children. You are NOT her only resource.

    It is your obligation to consider your other children, first. However it is also our obligation to consider the children who bring us to this site.

    I think it is in the interest of those children to stand on their own feet, to the extent that they are able. You are not talking about throwing her out. You are talking about supporting her to establish herself as independent.

    What your parents do and what they arrange for her if they do, is really not your business. "Friends" of mine took in my own son after I asked him to leave when he was 23. For over two years they housed him. I believe this hurt him but I have to say it made me less scared.

    But what can we do?

    I suggest you post as much as you can. That's how I have gotten through times like these.

    Welcome to you. I'm glad you found us.
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    Last edited: Sep 17, 2019
  11. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I couldn't agree more with Copa than if I had written it myself. That pretty much says it all in my opinion. They are adults. Bottom line.

    I wish I had not treated my adult daughter like a dependent child for so long. It hurt her progress and everyone else in the family also were hurt. Now she is still helpless.

    People do not change overnight and without effort. I waited and waited.

    God bless you all. I wish you only the best.
  12. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Ditto to Copa's reply. I too would be concerned with the damage that can occur when an adult child goes to someone who continues the enabling cycle. That said, it must bring some relief to know she is not on the streets. I know that peace, but the truth is it just delayed the inevitable. It is the ugliness of adult children who refuse to take charge and be responsible for their own lives that leaves us feeling helpless. And, the reality is that we are.

    In love, light, and learning to let go