Dealing with the anger

[AnnieO]

This is a good point, but with many of our difficult children it just doesn't work. I have seen Onyxx lose friends because she treats them like garbage (including her oldest friend A). It is ALWAYS justified with the fact that that person was "a retard" or "gay" or "stupid" or "a sl*t" or whatever nasty thing she can come up with to call them. (Please understand that I am using those words in quotes as what Onyxx has actually said, not as a slur... Well, y'all know me better than that anyway.)

In a nutshell? It's always someone else's fault. Always.

 

[mrsammler]

Yep. It is a standard trait of psychopathy/ASPD: always blaming others for their mistakes & misconduct, even in the face of inarguable evidence.

 

[AnnieO]

>snicker< To them it's not inarguable!!!! Onyxx will argue, and argue, and argue, and even when given good points that clearly, logically, in-the-real-world make more sense, will continue to argue. For instance, violence. To her, it is a means to solve a problem. To me, it is a means to create worse problems (pain, hospitalization, arrest, jail, etc.)... However, she will tell you it is RIGHT because "that's the way I was raised". When I pointed out she's not an adult yet, and has been living with us at least 50% of the time for 6 years; 75% for 4 years; and 100% for 2 years, therefore being at least partially raised in a nonviolent environment, she will say that that part does not matter, it's what her mother taught her and therefore the rest of the world is "stupid" (or some other slur, see above) for finding violence unacceptable.

 

[ski10]

:

1) It's very hard to get past your anger at someone if he/she never apologizes or shows sincere remorse. And I think with most difficult children, we never get *sincere* apologies or remorse.

So true, the more I read the more I realize, and to tell the truth, have really already known, that my daughter although a typical teen, there was more going on with her, just wanted to ignore it I guess.
She will say sorry, often only when I get really upset and in such a way that it's so sarcastic, have done the shouting in the room all by myself out of shear frustration, "She is not gong to talk to me in that way" I'm literally shaking...on and on....then if she comes back in the house I am calmer, oh boy...you almost have to be an oscar winning actress. Stepping lightly around her to stop her from blowing up, just writing that makes me feel ridiculous!

I have done the, you said this, you did that, because I felt I had to get it out as it was festering inside me, it didn't work, only made things worse. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[Nomad]

I don't know what she has done in the past, but I gather it is VERY significant. Why does she want to reconnect at this time? I think it is wise to be careful. She can not hurt you unless you allow her to hurt you. Why not give permission to see her, but set up boundaries around this? See what you see. In the mean time....keep up your detachment skills. Keep this visit or any visits short and sweet. And if she seems sincere (and not just out to use you, etc) then consider a future visit. Enjoy the moment. One short visit at a time, on your terms. AND if she is NOT appropriate, then either greatly reduce the frequency or eliminate them for some time to come. You are in the driver seat here. Take each day, one day at a time. And remember...you've got the power. It is your choice whether or not you are going to use it. It is your choice whether or not you are going to be happy even with this in the background.