Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Helpless29, Mar 20, 2018.

  1. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    My son is now in rehab, good news is his father will take him once he gets out , I will give him sole custody , problem is my son thinks he is coming to live with me after rehab. I dont know if I should wait till after rehab to tell him he cant.I mean I cant tell him, Im afraid to have him here. Do I be truthful with him? What do I say? What reason will I give him without him feeling rejected.Like I said in my other preivoud posts, he can be loving & caring but he also has a very dark side that I am very scared of.
  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Your mind and heart is probably traveling all over the place with this new solution for your son. You have been through so much already, knowing what he is capable of,what has happened in the past, your two littles and 18 year old daughter. I have been in this place you are at now, too.
    Well, sort of.
    My two are older than your son, but when I realized they didn’t get any better in my home and brought a whole lot of craziness with them, I had to do something. That something was not allow them in my home. It was hard to live with them and hard to let go.
    I was a mess.
    The first thing you can do for you, is to slow way down. Your son is in rehab, so you do have some time to breathe and help yourself sort through this.
    It is a grieving we go through when we realize that we do not have control over our kids choices. Take the time you need to feel what you feel, go to Al Anon or counseling. Find ways to strengthen yourself.
    I wouldn’t worry now about talking with your son about living arrangements. Give it some time, for him and you.
    When the time is right, tell him the truth. You have written it here. I told my daughter that she didn’t get any better at home. It wasn’t healthy for her or us.
    It is not our kids we are rejecting, it is their choices. It is obvious that you love your son and want the best for him, but he has made life very difficult for you with his “dark side” drug use, and manipulation.
    I am sorry for your heartache, this is very hard to deal with. Try to take one day at a time.
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    Last edited: Mar 20, 2018
  3. Nature

    Nature Active Member

    Leafy you always give great advice and although I haven't been here for a while I always took great comfort at your response to post. You are correct - Helpless needs to tell him the truth but only when the time is right. Perhaps she can have someone from rehab act as a mediator as many times our children have more self control with others than they do with their loved ones. Perhaps speak to them about this and ask their advice as they can monitor if he accepts this truth. I wish you luck and a gentle hug for your hurting heart.
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  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I agree that talking to the rehab first, and discussing when to tell him about the changes of where he is to live. I think he would need time to process that info. If you were to just do it after he is dismissed, he might have a meltdown/rage and it would not be safe to be alone with him.

    Good luck, this must be do hard... Ksm
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  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    My son is also in rehab and I fret over anything we tell him as well.

    My therapist did advise me to tell him things that he may not like WHILE HE IS THERE in a safe environment and can process the information there.

    I thought that was sage advice so am sharing. Addicts are typical for NOT being able to deal with feelings so that is why they use drugs to begin with.

    Good luck.
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  6. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    Thank you everyone for the advice & kind words, reading through them brings me comfort and helps me not feel so alone.
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    You are not alone!!!

    We visited our son in rehab this weekend and they had a graduation ceremony as they do monthly. There were three graduates this week and they each share their story (not a dry eye in the house on these days because we've all lived it). One guy graduating had a sister that had graduated last year and a brother in the program also.

    So that means this poor momma had THREE children that are addicts. I cannot even fathom that.

    Look at all of us here now and think of the MILLIONS that are out there without having a "safe place to land".
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Exactly what we will do with our situation and I agree.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    When my brother was in rehab, I strongly encouraged my parents to tell him ANYTHING he wasn't going to like while he was still in rehab. That way he had instant access to therapists if he was upset, and he also did NOT have instant access to anything he could abuse. He had to deal with his feelings and talk about them with a therapist or his peers if he was upset.

    If you wait until he is out to tell him, he won't have those resources. It is hard to talk about some things, but it is the best thing to do.
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