Desperately seeking support

[Heavyhearted]

It not the trip I worry about it's their return. I am going to take it one day at a time. Continue therapy and discuss with my husband what support, if any, we will provide upon their return.

Thank you for listening to me.

 

[DoneDad]

It's great you're in therapy and on the same page with your husband!

Look at the positives in your situation. They took the initiative to find a job in China. They will have money when they return so they can live independently.

Maybe you're upset because you pictured things would be a certain way, and now they're turning out a different way. It's like a grieving process, with denial, anger, bargaining etc. - and then finally acceptance. When you realize you don't have any control over what adult children do or don't do.

In your case with them getting a job in China, there are positive things and negative things. Try to hold on to the positives and let go of the negatives. Focus on you, your husband, and your 3 minor children. Know your older 2 are safe, working, really thriving in a way. When I said before I'd dance a jig if mine got a job in China, I meant that I'd be happy if they showed that level of initiative and effort.

 

[Heavyhearted]

It's great you're in therapy and on the same page with your husband!

Look at the positives in your situation. They took the initiative to find a job in China. They will have money when they return so they can live independently.

Maybe you're upset because you pictured things would be a certain way, and now they're turning out a different way. It's like a grieving process, with denial, anger, bargaining etc. - and then finally acceptance. When you realize you don't have any control over what adult children do or don't do.

In your case with them getting a job in China, there are positive things and negative things. Try to hold on to the positives and let go of the negatives. Focus on you, your husband, and your 3 minor children. Know your older 2 are safe, working, really thriving in a way. When I said before I'd dance a jig if mine got a job in China, I meant that I'd be happy if they showed that level of initiative and effort.

Yes, you are right. I am feeling a lot of grief right now because the reality is not what I expected. I thought we'd have round table discussion about their future and plans. The 2 older kids are just different than what I expected.

I had all the drug talks, sex talks, money management talks and they took it all ( or most of it) and through it out a window.

So many years in therapy... seeing specialists and being lied to... it has been an exhausting journey.

 

[A dad]

The

It not the trip I worry about it's their return. I am going to take it one day at a time. Continue therapy and discuss with my husband what support, if any, we will provide upon their return.

Thank you for listening to me.

The future is uncertain the beauty of future think if you will provide for them when their return if they will return. No use stressing on maybes.

 

[Heavyhearted]

You're right. Thank you

 

[BusynMember]

Adult children dont normally have roundtable discussions with Mom and Dad about their futures. They decide what they want to do and do it. They dont need our input. It is up to them how they live their lives.

I wouldnt stress how they will live lives after China. They may stay shorter or longer than planned. They may stay there permanantly. They will have their own money. Why worry about the unknown? It is useless to have expectations that far out. They are young. Plans change.

Plans we make for others, including our grown children, dont usually work out because we only have control over one person....ourselves. Nobody else. We have zero control over other people, let alone adult children. They resent us if we are too in their face. That can cause relationship problems galore, even estrangement.

Focus on the children who still need you...the young ones. With 17, support his plans for his future. HIS plans. Not yours. I have made plenty mistakes as a parent, but trying to control my kids life choices was not one of them. Nor did I worry about if my kids got along with one another...that is between them. If one would have chosen to do what your oldest two chose I would have been very proud. They did nothing wrong. Im not sure what you think is wrong. It seems to be more that you dont want them to go so far than that they chose it...are you taking it personally? Adult kids go halfway across the country and to other countries all the time. It is uncommon these days for everyone to be in one place, and that is not up to us.

 

[Heavyhearted]

Adult children dont normally have roundtable discussions with Mom and Dad about their futures. They decide what they want to do and do it. They dont need our input. It is up to them how they live their lives.

I wouldnt stress how they will live lives after China. They may stay shorter or longer than planned. They may stay there permanantly. They will have their own money. Why worry about the unknown? It is useless to have expectations that far out. They are young. Plans change.

Plans we make for others, including our grown children, dont usually work out because we only have control over one person....ourselves. Nobody else. We have zero control over other people, let alone adult children. They resent us if we are too in their face. That can cause relationship problems galore, even estrangement.

Focus on the children who still need you...the young ones. With 17, support his plans for his future. HIS plans. Not yours. I have made plenty mistakes as a parent, but trying to control my kids life choices was not one of them. Nor did I worry about if my kids got along with one another...that is between them. If one would have chosen to do what your oldest two chose I would have been very proud. They did nothing wrong. Im not sure what you think is wrong. It seems to be more that you dont want them to go so far than that they chose it...are you taking it personally? Adult kids go halfway across the country and to other countries all the time. It is uncommon these days for everyone to be in one place, and that is not up to us.

I am not afraid of the going to China. I don't care where they go it is how they announced it. They are both active pot user, respect no rules and have harmed our family. Both of them have been hospitalized for suicidal tendencies, both have been diagnosed with Major depressive disorder and narcissistic personalities... the way they have treated us and their siblings is horrible. My 18 yr old deal pot at school, skips everyday almost and walked away from a paid internship. My 22 yr old has stolen money from their siblings, said she is taking our beloved pets and that she coming back home with a few more tattoos.

I am not in denial that our children are on borrow to us. My two older children are ingrates and I have tried to love and support them and they treat us like crap. They have an enormous sense of entitlement and are toxic.

I keep giving them second chances, hoping to believe their words and get bitten every single time...

I live in chaos & worry... I'm afraid if they don't change all my children will be contaminated. My younger children are afraid of each other turning out like the older siblings.

We stand a house divided. It's a very sad situation

 

[GoingNorth]

She won't be allowed to bring the pets on a temporary work visa/permit.

You shouldn't allow it anyways as her bringing the pets is risking their lives. There's a good chance the authorities will put them down once she lands.

On the bright side, my nephew went to Taiwan on a 1-yr work permit to work as an English teacher. (He had taught himself Chinese, both spoken and reading/writing on his own). The contractor extended his visa for another two years. During that time, he met and fell in love with a Taiwanese woman whom he later married.

Shortly after that he was recruited to work directly for a major financial house correcting translations of old documents to/from English/chinese, as well as creating new documents.

He is not only very well compensated, but his New Year's bonus is the equivalent of a few MONTH'S wages.

He is very happy in Taiwan with his wife, gets along fabulously with his in-laws, and I don't see him coming back to the US at any time in the future other than for his semi-annual visits.

His wife is fluent in several languages and works as a materials buyer for a design and fashion house. She travels quite a bit. Right now she is in Florence, Italy coordinating the production of raw materials.

My nephew will be coming back to visit in July. My niece, nephew's sister, is coming back home the day after I leave for a trip to KY to do horsey stuff, and leaving before I return. This was a last=minute trip on her part or otherwise I would've scheduled my trip differently.

 

[BusynMember]

I would truthfully not want my younger kids to be close to older ones.

Narcicists, like borderlines, are toxic and harmful to people and dont change. Itis better for the younger kids if this toxicity leaves the house. Narcicists are close to nobody. They love only themselves as shown by her stesling from her yoinger siblings.They dont change either.

 

[Heavyhearted]

She won't be allowed to bring the pets on a temporary work visa/permit.

You shouldn't allow it anyways as her bringing the pets is risking their lives. There's a good chance the authorities will put them down once she lands.

On the bright side, my nephew went to Taiwan on a 1-yr work permit to work as an English teacher. (He had taught himself Chinese, both spoken and reading/writing on his own). The contractor extended his visa for another two years. During that time, he met and fell in love with a Taiwanese woman whom he later married.

Shortly after that he was recruited to work directly for a major financial house correcting translations of old documents to/from English/chinese, as well as creating new documents.

He is not only very well compensated, but his New Year's bonus is the equivalent of a few MONTH'S wages.

He is very happy in Taiwan with his wife, gets along fabulously with his in-laws, and I don't see him coming back to the US at any time in the future other than for his semi-annual visits.

His wife is fluent in several languages and works as a materials buyer for a design and fashion house. She travels quite a bit. Right now she is in Florence, Italy coordinating the production of raw materials.

My nephew will be coming back to visit in July. My niece, nephew's sister, is coming back home the day after I leave for a trip to KY to do horsey stuff, and leaving before I return. This was a last=minute trip on her part or otherwise I would've scheduled my trip differently.

 

[Heavyhearted]

Thank you for sharing. She isn't taking the pets to China, she wants to take them we they come back. We will not let her. They are family pets.

That is great news about your nephew.

I am just praying for them to be safe

 

[Heavyhearted]

I would truthfully not want my younger kids to be close to older ones.

Narcicists, like borderlines, are toxic and harmful to people and dont change. Itis better for the younger kids if this toxicity leaves the house. Narcicists are close to nobody. They love only themselves as shown by her stesling from her yoinger siblings.They dont change either.

Oh I know. The family therapist said that it is like they came from a different family ( my two older ones) I have thought a lot about how I am feeling and learning to let go. I realize now that I focused so much on my kids that I sort of lost myself in the process.

I've been a mom since 21 and my children were my life. I swore to give them all of me and make sure they knew they were loved. My first two are wired differently and I personalize their behavior

My 17yr old and 14 yr old are wise beyond their years and I know I will be OK. I am
Just battling against what motherhood is like after your adult child make choices that, because of past experience, are not well thought out. Usually when the older children make rash decision there is a crisis that follows... I have learned to be prepared for it and I am weary.

I don't want to enable but I'm not quite ready to remove the safety net. I come from a very close knit family. I talk to my mom and sisters everyday, we live close to each other and spend most holidays together. I was hoping this foundation would stick.

My older kids just don't respect anyone or anything and Ifeel broken. I have spent so much time and resources trying to figure this out, how does this happen. I have two children whose personalities hinder them from lasting relationships with others and themselves. Neither has a support system, nor any lasting friendships.

 

[A dad]

I do not think their narcissists how can they if their so good friends. You are not be unable to be close to anyone then be close to someone. I am sorry but its kinda logic.

 

[Heavyhearted]

They have no long term relations ships in their lives. Neither has held down a job for more that a few months and have nearly destroyed any personal connections with extended family.

The 18 yr old is not as far gone as the 22 yr old.

 

[A dad]

BUt what about thw relationship between the 2 of them is that not close?

 

[Heavyhearted]

It is convenient. 22 yr old didn't want to go to China alone and 18 doesn't want to follow house rules.

A couple of months ago 18yr was saying how his older sister was making really poor decisions, now he follows her to China.

We have been struggling with our 2 older children for a long time.

They enable each other

 

[A dad]

So they do not have a close relationship?

 

[Heavyhearted]

I don't think either has the capacity for a close relationship.

 

[BusynMember]

It doesnt matter if they are or arent narcicists. They are upsetting the family unit. As a parent it is hard to see our dreams fall away. But they are OUR dreams....not theirs.

Most families are not as close as yours is. Especially in this day and age. Personality is partly DNA. How is their biological father? Or mayne grandparents? Maybe they are more like a different family members personality.

Nature is usually stronger than nurture. If not, we love our kids so much yet the adult kids who bring us here are nothing like the loving, thriving people we raised them to be....the ones who bring us here do not share our values, interests and desires. Thats why it happens...DNA. And sometimes, yes, personality disorders too.

In my own life, I have decuded it doesnt matter WHY. It just IS. You do best accepting that this is the way things are and to move on. You cant change other people. Nobody has control over what life throws at us. We all learn many lessons. The hard lessons teach us the most.

 

[Heavyhearted]

Biological dad is a good man. Took a long time to grow up. He has used pot several times in our 24 year marriage... almost caused us a divorce. His family is very dysfunctional...

I guess I just need to grieve the family I thought I would have and accept what it really is and move on. I regret pouring so much of me into motherhood.