Desperately seeking support

[Tanya M]

Hi HH, I'm coming in a couple of days late on this post. I think the others that have shared have given great advice.

I wanted our home to be safe for everyone, that hasn't been the case.

I think you are mistaken here. You did create a safe place in your home but 18 and 22 have made life choices that have changed it by disrespecting you and your home.

I guess I just need to grieve the family I thought I would have and accept what it really is and move on.

Yes, you do need to grieve for what you thought would be. I too had to do this. I came to understand that my expectations of how "our lives" should go was just that, MINE. I have learned that I cannot project my ideas onto my son, no parent can. It's an illusion when we the parents have an idea in our minds of how we think our children's lives should turn out.

I regret pouring so much of me into motherhood.

Please don't regret this. Embrace it! Know that you did everything you could to offer your children a loving and stable home. Never second guess yourself.

Bottom line, our children get to an age where they start making their own choices, good or bad. We the parents have zero control over that. The best thing we can do for them is to let them live out the consequences of their own choices.

I'm glad you found us here.

((HUGS))

 

[New Leaf]

Dearest Heavyhearted,
I am so sorry for your heartache and feeling so alone. You have definitely found a place here at CD to rest your weary mind and soul, to reap the experience and wisdom of others on similar journeys, some further down the pathway.You have already received some awesome advice.
I can relate to your story in that I have five children as well and hoped and dreamed for all of them to find their true potential. When my two began to go down roads that deviated from what was taught, we tried desperately to help them. They didn't want help.
They wanted to do what they wanted to do. Despite what harm it caused themselves, and any of us. Plain and simple.
Our "helping" turned into them taking advantage of us at every chance.
I began to see that after years of chaos and drama. The last straw was after a crazed morning, I found my then 14 year old son on my bed in a fetal position sobbing.
I was so focused on trying to "help" my adult daughter and grandchildren that I didn't see the turmoil it was causing him. I vowed never to go down that road again.
That's when I found CD and began to pour my heart out.
Looking back, my son was raised watching his sisters come and go, each time they lived with us was fraught with drama and tumult. It was exhausting and heart wrenching.
Whether it be narcissism, drug use, mental health issues or a combination, when people show you who they are, believe them.
What my two have shown me is that they will use family ties to walk all over us. They relied on all those feelings you are describing that you are going through, mother love, hopes and dreams, expectations, sorrow and grief. They used those feelings over and again and tread on our hearts every. single.time. It is so hard to go through this, but so not impossible to wake up one day at a time and take small steps towards change.
I don't mean changing them, Lord knows I tried for so many years to get them to recognize destructive ways and see their potential.
That was a huge waste of time and energy.
They will change if and when they want to.
Small steps towards change meant changing my focus and realizing I did the best job I could raising them (yes, mistakes and all) and they were adults making their own choices. I kept trying to rescue them, and what mother wouldn't throw herself into a whirlpool to save her drowning child?
Well that had to change as well.
I began to see that they expected me to stay "in the game" with them,and I had mistakenly thought that was love.
Sometimes love has to stand up and shout No! No, I will not go down this path again. No, I will not sacrifice the peace of my home.
Then I started to think "What if the best thing I could do for them was to step back and say, I love you, but you have got to get it together and that just doesn't happen when you are at home?"
I thought of my Mom and Dad, who would never, ever allow any of us to treat them in such ways.
I began to build a toolbox to help me change my way of dealing with my two, even change my way of feeling. Not that I don't love them, it all got so darn overwhelming that I had to give it to a higher power.
I will leave you with this thought.
The best thing a mother can do for her children is to show them by word and deed how to take care of themselves, by taking care of herself.
I am not writing about being selfish. I am writing about taking time to rest, replenish, nurture your self so that you can flourish to your full potential.
You are a soldier who has been on the frontlines with your two for a very long time. Soldiers have R and R from the battlefield.
Try to find some time for yourself, a hobby, a class, go for walks.
We are not able to change the ways of our beloved D C's, but we can change our way of dealing with the situation.
Peace be with you.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Heavyhearted]

Thank you for the kind words. I really needed them today. May God bless you and keep you at peace.

 

[Kathryn]

Dearest Heavyhearted,
I am so sorry for your heartache and feeling so alone. You have definitely found a place here at CD to rest your weary mind and soul, to reap the experience and wisdom of others on similar journeys, some further down the pathway.You have already received some awesome advice.
I can relate to your story in that I have five children as well and hoped and dreamed for all of them to find their true potential. When my two began to go down roads that deviated from what was taught, we tried desperately to help them. They didn't want help.
They wanted to do what they wanted to do. Despite what harm it caused themselves, and any of us. Plain and simple.
Our "helping" turned into them taking advantage of us at every chance.
I began to see that after years of chaos and drama. The last straw was after a crazed morning, I found my then 14 year old son on my bed in a fetal position sobbing.
I was so focused on trying to "help" my adult daughter and grandchildren that I didn't see the turmoil it was causing him. I vowed never to go down that road again.
That's when I found CD and began to pour my heart out.
Looking back, my son was raised watching his sisters come and go, each time they lived with us was fraught with drama and tumult. It was exhausting and heart wrenching.
Whether it be narcissism, drug use, mental health issues or a combination, when people show you who they are, believe them.
What my two have shown me is that they will use family ties to walk all over us. They relied on all those feelings you are describing that you are going through, mother love, hopes and dreams, expectations, sorrow and grief. They used those feelings over and again and tread on our hearts every. single.time. It is so hard to go through this, but so not impossible to wake up one day at a time and take small steps towards change.
I don't mean changing them, Lord knows I tried for so many years to get them to recognize destructive ways and see their potential.
That was a huge waste of time and energy.
They will change if and when they want to.
Small steps towards change meant changing my focus and realizing I did the best job I could raising them (yes, mistakes and all) and they were adults making their own choices. I kept trying to rescue them, and what mother wouldn't throw herself into a whirlpool to save her drowning child?
Well that had to change as well.
I began to see that they expected me to stay "in the game" with them,and I had mistakenly thought that was love.
Sometimes love has to stand up and shout No! No, I will not go down this path again. No, I will not sacrifice the peace of my home.
Then I started to think "What if the best thing I could do for them was to step back and say, I love you, but you have got to get it together and that just doesn't happen when you are at home?"
I thought of my Mom and Dad, who would never, ever allow any of us to treat them in such ways.
I began to build a toolbox to help me change my way of dealing with my two, even change my way of feeling. Not that I don't love them, it all got so darn overwhelming that I had to give it to a higher power.
I will leave you with this thought.
The best thing a mother can do for her children is to show them by word and deed how to take care of themselves, by taking care of herself.
I am not writing about being selfish. I am writing about taking time to rest, replenish, nurture your self so that you can flourish to your full potential.
You are a soldier who has been on the frontlines with your two for a very long time. Soldiers have R and R from the battlefield.
Try to find some time for yourself, a hobby, a class, go for walks.
We are not able to change the ways of our beloved D C's, but we can change our way of dealing with the situation.
Peace be with you.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

New Leaf ~ Your thoughtful words just brought me so much comfort! At 69, I'm still working full-time (and maybe that is a blessing in itself) - so I don't have the opportunity to visit this site as often as I'd like. So much of what you just said hit home with me - thank you for sharing your thoughts! They mean more than you'll ever know. God speed to you and everyone associated with this thread/forum. It's like having a warm, fuzzy blanket to wrap around ourselves when we need it the most - and when we can share the most with others.
Hugs and prayers to everyone! xoxo
Kathryn

 

[BrokenheartedMum]

I get what you are saying. You know you need to let go, and you are probably happy for some relief from the situation, but you are mourning your vision of how your family would end up. I totally get it, because although I am learning that we have to surrender our visions for how it all ends up, we still are saddened by what we tried (and on some level failed) to create. We try to raise our kids with love and we envision that love coming back to us through lifelong closeness. When it doesn't, it hurts. But then again, I am thinking that asserting independence in early adulthood doesn't necessarily mean they won't come back around! We can hope! Good luck to you! And, for what it's worth, I think it is nice they will have each other in China.