Did I over-react? Teen easy child issue

[Marguerite]

"I tell my kids to hold their drinks in their hands and never let go of it."
She did. That's the scary thing. In the more central (ie "experienced") locations, the drink spikers are very, very good at sleight-of-hand. She had her drink in her hand all the time; she just didn't also keep her eyes on it, she was probably waving it around, looking away at friends, etc.

She is actually my younger daughter; they go drinking once a week with their friends, but this one time they and their friends decided to visit a bar in the city, instead of the quieter Irish pub in the suburbs.

Back to the thread - I'm glad your daughter is now OK, svengandhi. That sounds like she's accepted your actions as being in her best interests, even if she didn't quite agree with them. And frankly, it's more important that you come to a compromise together, rather than the argument festers. However, next time she ants to have more freedom, maybe set in place the opportunity to discuss the range of options as well as possible occurrences, then build in her "escape clauses". For example, if you let her go next time, and things begin to go pear-shaped (maybe somebody pulls out a dope stash and she doesn't want to be around it) then help her have a pre-planned way of getting out of it. "My mother needs me home to help her first thing in the morning, she hasn't been feeling well and needs me to babysit while she goes to the doctor. Sorry I didn't tell you before; she just sent me a text message. She was very apologetic but it IS a family emergency. I'd love to hang with you guys, but family is important. I'll get with you guys later on, maybe when she gets back from the doctor."

I know it's lying, but in a way, so is dope-smoking. Frankly, lying to your friends about your need to leave is perhaps the lesser evil. Standing there and saying your piece about what you feel about drugs, isn't going to do a darn thing to help anybody, least of all yourself. It could make a girl targetted (esp drink-spiking, to set her up and make her look like a fool).

If she's getting enough experience at being out and about, she's getting sufficiently street-wise to be allowed a longer leash as she gets older.

Marg

 

[Rotsne]

Here the teens are generally good at calling parents if a friend shows signs of being drugged. We know they drink once they are confirmed so there is no secrecy. We are new in the business with my oldest going out (in a closed party-setting with adult supervision.) but with private warm-up parties where alcohol is served.

If fact a cousin of my wife was drugged a year ago and she is over 30, so don't think for one minute that drug-rape are only something minors have to fear. But like with the teens, she was quickly removed from the party-zone by friends.

Always teach your teens to look after each other and keep dating and partying apart. Everybody goes home to their own bed, but they are free to (blue)"tooth" each other during the party so they can meet another day and talk relationship.

 

[eekysign]

You had a hard call to make---I'm with the others in saying that there is no real cut 'n' dry response that you "should" have followed.

My two cents? At that age, even when parents are home, they rarely interfere with what the teens are doing. I can only remember a few times that my friends' parents weren't at home when I was visiting, but I never really saw them---maybe once or twice, when I entered and when I left. As much as "parents must be home!" sounds like a good rule, for older teens it seems a bit useless. I don't know whether the parents didn't want to embarrass their teen by wandering by every now and then, or whether they honestly didn't care---but either way, I don't remember ever really being supervised!

I think the only response I can really make is this: Your daughter's response to you "i'm having hot sex and doing drugs!!" was exactly the sort of tongue-in-cheek comment I woulda made to my Mom under the same circumstances! From my perspective, that's a "I'm exasperated with you guys, but I'm not mad enough that I can't joke around about it".

One of the biggest fights I ever had with my parents was over hanging out "unsupervised". My hometown has a no-vehicle walking mall, and we used to hang out at the coffee shop there. When it closed, we'd hang out on the mall, or in the parking lot---sometimes for hours, until midnight or later! We never, ever did anything illegal---we got to be good friends with the cop that patrolled the area. But my stepdad was absolutely positive I was up to no good---"you hung out in a parking lot all night?? BS!!". Sometimes, you gotta trust your teens to behave as you raised them to. Even if the situation isn't ideal, showing that trust is huge. When my parents finally stopped doubting me about it (I wonder if they followed me one night or something! ha!), it started the process of us being equals. When I went away to college, I went away feeling like an responsible-for-myself adult, not a kid, and I think I raised much less hell my freshman year because of it.

 

[Nancy]

You know eeky, my difficult child thinks I'm dumb enough to fall for her "yeah I'm drinking and having sex over here." That's exactly what she was doing and she thought by making a joke out of it she was getting away with something. I don't ever believe anything she says, joking or no joke.

I do agree that even with parents home teen will do what they want. My neighbor's daughter drinks all the time in her basement with her friends. I'm sure the parents know. My daughter, thank goodness, isn't friends with her because I would have issues with that. Even with me home my difficult child got drunk in my basement without me knowing until it was too late. So I don't doubt anything can happen even with parents there.

Nancy

 

[BusynMember]

The last post jarred a memory.
After a painful break up with a boyfriend when I was 15, my mother thought I was crying because I "made a mistake and was pregnant." I was so shocked and angry that I never told her anything again. The truth is, I was actually the only person on earth I know of who was a virgin when I got married. For her to say that to me, I felt it was a betrayal. I'm sure being young and hormonal didn't help, but it made me behave with a chip on my shoulder and a "she doesn't believe me anyway so why be good???" I was STILL good, but I let her think I was doing drugs and having sex and we just fought like crazy because of it. I think about that as I parent my girls. I'm careful about the questions I ask and how I ask them. I never even accused my drug-daughter of having sex, and she didn't until she was 17.

 

[Nancy]

This is one of those which came first the chicken or the egg thing. I have heard young people say that same thing, "she won't believe me anyway so why should I tell the truth." And my question is, why won't she believe you? Obviously my difficult child has proven to us that she is untrustworthy, over and over again. So when I ask her where she is or what she is doing, which is within my right to ask, the fact that she chooses to lie just cannot be blamed on the fact that I won't believe he anyway. It's her choice. It was her choice to take on the behavior that caused people to think she is untrustworthy in the firstplace.

Just today I went to the hairdresser for 2 hours. difficult child has lost her driving privileges and should not have driven anywhere while I was gone. I wrote down the mileage of her car when I left (unbeknown to her) and when I got back there was 14 more miles on the car. I asked her where she went and she lied and said nowhere. I told her I knew she drove 14 miles and she continued to say nowhere until she finally said she just drive around. Right.....I believe that.

My dad use to womanize on my mother all the time. As kids we knew it. He would come home and get into a fight with her, we called it going on the offensive, so that she didn't dare ask him where he was. He use to say she accused him of fooling around so he might as well do it. Hogwash. Those arguments just don't work with me. If he wasn't doing things to cause my mother to think he was up to no good she wouldn't have accused him.

I hate when someone blames their behavior on the actions of someone else.

I think this is off the main topic and I'm sorry I didn't mean it to get that way.

Nancy