difficult child showed up at 9:45....

[AliceLee]

Hearthope, I'm so sorry you've had such a horrible day. When we made our difficult child leave, I put all her stuff in garbage bags and put it down in the basement. Then I thoroughly cleaned the room and bathroom (it was disgusting), painted them, and made them into our guest quarters.

He has absolutely no right to speak to you that way. That is exactly why our daughter had to leave our home (much of what he said to you is what she said to me).

Again, I'm very sorry.

 

[rejectedmom]

HH- I just closed the door on my difficult child's room for several weeks. Then when I had my head on straight again I had husband and easy child remove all the furniture. We packed up all difficult child's things and stored them in the attic. I was going to sell all his collectable cars to offset some of the bills he had run up but husband said not to. He said that someday difficult child would have a place for them. I have a huge attic so storage isn't an issue unless we decide to move. My difficult child's room is now totally transformed into a beautiful sitting/reading/sewing room. I could easily make it a bedroom again but this way I won't just impulsively take difficult child back in. Redoing the room gave me a constant reminder that he crossed a line and until he gets help and changes, there is no going back to living with him. -RM

 

[KFld]

You can and should always have hope. You never know what will happen that may turn his life around. I never gave up hope.
Don't make any decisions now. Close his door and go on with your life and you'll know when it's time to make any huge decisions.

 

[saving grace]

I am sorry that your going through this. I have been where you are. My son has the biggest room in the house, its my refinished room in the basement. Time and time again he abused my home, he abused that room, throwing things, punching walls, doors burning the carpet etc. About 2 years ago when we were in Florida and he was supposed to be living in a sober house he stayed at our house, robbed us blind, did drugs and left the needles etc all over the room, I found out he was doing this, I called his PO he issued a warrent and the cops went to my house waited until they saw him come out to smoke a cigarette and arrested him, he was lucky they let him put on clothes and shoes. I was humiliated when I found out what that roomed looked like, knowing that the cops and PO had been in there. He went to jail for a week. The DAY my plane landed I stripped the room clean, Not one thing left reminded me of difficult child. I turned it into a playroom for babygirl, pink, purple, dolls and toys.

I did pack everything that was not trash, and put it in the shed outside. It was liberating, it made me feel sooooo good. I had so much stress and anguish every time I would go into that room.

When he got out of jail he was then being sent to a state run rehab for 6 months, he had about 3 hours to come and get clothes etc... he cried when he saw the room, he couldnt believe I did it.

That was about 2 years ago, he has been living back here for about 6 months now and I have not allwowed him a "room" in my home. He sleeps on a futon on the other side of the basement next to the furnace. He does watch tv in there and will have a few friends over and hang out but I remind him time and time again that is Babygirls space NOT his and to respect it.

Sorry I rambled but I thought the whole story would be better to describe how good I felt and still do that I have removed those bad memories from MY house.

I did keep his stuff and I packed it in bags and brown boxes.

Grace

 

[ScentofCedar]

One of the most important things I learned as we went through this, hearthope, is to be kind to myself. If you were angry and wanted those things out NOW, then that would be the right thing to do. What I hear instead is that you are numb.

Respect that.

Not only is your child suffering and unreachable, but you have been through an unbelievably traumatic experience, yourself.

This was not supposed to happen.

Out of all the ways you imagined your child leaving home, I bet this never even crossed your mind.

You will know the right thing in time ~ there is no way to rush the knowing, and there is no right answer.

I read something once about realizing, when things have gone so badly wrong in our lives, that we need to sit there sometimes, with an empty bowl.

Nothing you do at this point is going to make this right.

Your bowl is empty.

Now is the time to do nothing, at all, but respect your own pain and confusion.

All of us here on the site have had these kinds of nights and the mornings that happen the next day, hearthope.

You will come back into balance, and when you do, you will know how you want to handle this.

For now, acknowledge that you do not know, and try to be okay with that. It usually helps me to do that. All at once, there is nothing I HAVE to decide, nothing I can change, no way I can go back and undo it.

My bowl is empty.

In time, it will fill again.

I am sorry this is happening to you and to your son, hearthope.

Barbara

 

[Irishkalleene]

My heart goes out to you. You will have to grieve and work your way thru all the emotions that will rise up out of this experience. So sad that things aren't working out. Maybe nurture a small flicker of hope that in the future difficult child will get it together. For right now grieve this loss and then move ahead nurturing you!

 

[carolanne]

For me, it was theraputic(sp) to pack up gfgd things two months ago. Like everyone has suggested, I put in place a time limit(two months) of how long her things would sit in that room taking up space as I only have three bedrooms and needed that room for my little guy if she no longer chose to live with us.

True to form, she waited until the very last minute and actually showed up the same time the charity did that I'd called....it was an interesting couple of minutes watching her argue with the driver but he eventually gave in and she grabbed the bags and huffed off.

It's okay to keep rememberies(my easy child calls special things this) because it's alright to remember the good stuff....

Sending hugs your way...

Carolanne

 

[catwoman]

I'm sorry you're going through this, I know how it hurts.

When my difficult child left he was a runaway and there were warrants out for him, so the police came and tossed his room. I bagged everything up within the first week. Then I turned his room into a guest room for my grandkids. It was helpful to have that to focus on. I kept his stuff for awhile even though I knew he wouldn't ever live with me again. When I moved to PA I threw everything away. He never had any respect for my home or anything in it. He turned a very nice room with everything he wanted into a ****hole, stole from me and physically assaulted me before he ran away. I didn't feel like I owed him storage service too.

 

[hearthope]

Thanks everyone for sharing such a tramatic time of your own lives.
I worked 14 hrs straight at the shop yesterday and just came home and collasped in bed. I had to get something positive done, isn't it funny how we do that? I wouldn't leave until everything was just right at the shop.

I know this is a process...I held back thoughts of questioning myself and my actions yesterday. Wondered if I should help with transportation, wondered if I should call and let him know if he decides to change his ways I would be there for him.
I went through lots of different thoughts, but they were only thoughts and I didn't act on any of them.
I know in my heart I did the only thing I could do. Reading all of your post really brought back all the things he has done in the past to abuse our home and us. I still walk through broken doors, we have repaired the holes in the walls, but I have reminders from the doors.
I want to thank each of you again, by sharing your experiences you have made this time easier for me to handle.
I think today I will take easy child to find her prom dress.
I will stop at the paint store for white paint, I have a vision of a tranquil room in white with a little light blue accents.
I may not paint it for a while, but when I am ready I want to have the paint on hand.
God Bless you all

 

[DammitJanet]

hearthope..

I didnt really respond to your post because I thought I didnt have much to offer because I hadnt managed to get my kid out but then I remembered my own story and thought that might be good for you to hear.

I am sure by now you know I was a pretty impressive difficult child in my own right. I could give many of our difficult child's on here a run for their money. I damaged my room badly. I had my oldest son quite early and got married early. When all that happened and I moved out finally...also my mom and dad separated for an upcoming divorce...my dad cleaned out my room and put his foot down. He boxed up my stuff and told me he threw it away. (I later found out he saved some of it) I was told I could no longer treat HIS house as if it was my personal punching bag. If I came there I was a guest. I was to ask first and maybe I would be allowed to stay a night or two.

I was mad let me tell you! How dare he! He stopped my cash flow for partying and all good times. But ya know what? I admire him now. I would have never learned to stand on my two feet if he kept enabling me. My mom still tried. She wanted me to be down and out so she kept me in that position. Only when I finally got fed up with her and moved away from her too did I learn. My dad is the one who gave me the wings. He helped me. When I did things right he cheered me on.

He stood on the side lines and watched me flounder and fall and then he watched me get my footing again. Im sure none of it was easy for him and Im sure there were many times he worried himself to death over me but he didnt rush in. He couldnt. He did the right thing.

 

[hearthope]

Thanks Janet, I too was a very head-strong teen.
I made choices that my parents couldn't and wouldn't tolerate.
Some things they were justified in standing against. Somethings they stood against were because of their on prejudices.
I, being my head-strong self ,left on my own.
I believe the best thing my mother ever said to me was "the door doesn't swing both ways" she had raised my difficult child brother and was full throttle into tough love.

We didn't communicate for many years. They had to grow and change in their prejudices and I had to grow and change in my thoughts toward them.

I always knew once I left I had to make it on my own. That helped me succeed in life.

Today we are all closer than ever before. It is amazing what had to happen and the pain it caused us all for us to be the close family we are today.

 

[witzend]

[ QUOTE ]
I know in my heart I did the only thing I could do. Reading all of your post really brought back all the things he has done in the past to abuse our home and us. I still walk through broken doors, we have repaired the holes in the walls, but I have reminders from the doors.

[/ QUOTE ]

I hope that you will also look for pre-bored interior doors on sale. They can be as little as $25 each, and you just put the hardware from the old door onto the new and it into place. It really brightens up the house!

 

[hearthope]

Okay Witz~ I will also look for new doors. The only excuse I have for still having these is because they are solid wood. I thought maybe we could savage them somehow, but that was just wishful thinking :smile:

 

[1905]

Hearthope, My difficult child had everything in his room-football,etc... I packed it in boxes and they are in my garage. It is his- and he can have it, but I had to strip the room of wallpaper and carpets and replace them with something else. My 2 easy child's were sharing a room, so one went in there-and it doesn't resemble difficult child's room amymore. Pack his stuff up, one day he may want it. Meanwhile change the room around, something for you, completely different-it will lessen the pain. Hugs to you... I know how badly you are hurting..I'm sorry.-Alyssa

 

[Kathy813]

The first time my difficult child left home after an explosive exit, I bought plastic containers and carefully wrapped up all of her breakable things, washed and folded all of her clothes, and packed up her books and other stuff.

She left it all behind in her apartment after she was evicted.

I learned my lesson. The next time she left home (at our request after finding pot in her room), I threw her stuff in plastic trash bags which she came and picked up.

I wouldn't throw your difficult child's stuff out but I would pack it up and store it somewhere for him.

As far as his living at home again ~ ask yourself if you really want to keep living in that atmosphere. husband and I have found that our life is so peaceful when we keep the difficult child drama at bay. Distance makes the heart grow fonder (and keeps the blood pressure down).

~Kathy

 

[hearthope]

Kathy~ I know that none of us(husband,me,or easy child) can live like that anymore.
We would all be getting along great and on our schedules and difficult child would come home and turn everything inside out.

There was always a different "air" in the house when he was home. I believe it is best described as "the walking on eggshells" as I have read in other post.
None of us deserve to live in the chaos, especially easy child. Most of my decisions I have made are due inpart to easy child's right to live in a safe home.

It is hard to say but, We all would breathe a sigh of relief when difficult child left. I know that sounds horrible coming from his own mom, But I have tried everything in my power to help him, to get him to see the destruction he is doing to his on life. He thinks he is outsmarting everyone and getting away with whatever he wishes to do.

At least now he knows that he will no longer get away with it in our home.
Hopefully, the other people he is finding to live with will get tired of his actions as well. I know that as long as he finds someone to put up with him he will continue to use drugs and live as he living.

My mom is having a hard time with his age (18) my brother was 28 when she finally had enough and threw him out for good. My only response was that maybe he would hit bottom sooner and be able to straighten himself out before he reached age 28.
She also worries that he has no transportation. I reminded her that his girlfriend allowed him to drive her car whenever he wanted to.
I guess my strongest supporter is having different thoughts (which is making it a little more difficult on my part) She just says it is different when it is a grandchild. I have started to just be selective in our topics of conversation. She still ask me daily if I have heard from him, and I keep reminding her that I am not going to hear from him.

I did share about his room, she was very against touching anything. I again said he is not coming back. She just keeps saying but he is only 18.

Okay, I have let her get to me :frown:Please share your thoughts about his age.

 

[janebrain]

Hi HH,
you are doing the right thing--your point about your brother being 28 when your mom finally kicked him out and your difficult child getting to hit rock bottom sooner is very good! My difficult child is only 18 too but like you, I had to put my other child first--she deserved to live in a safe place without all the drama and chaos difficult child 1 was causing. She is the reason I was able to be strong and say enough. Life had centered around difficult child 1 for too long. When difficult child 1 left I immediately locked the doors and watched her and her boyfriend walk up the street to catch a bus. I was so relieved and felt so unburdened. The air in our house was different too with difficult child 1 here. So much tension.

I'm sorry your mother is making it so hard--my mom and my mother-in-law were both very supportive of me. In fact they thought I gave difficult child 1 too many chances and was being unfair to difficult child 2. Stay strong--I sure identify with you! And, now, my difficult child 1 and I get along really well and she is welcome to come and visit with us. When she left I thought that was the end of our relationship but instead it turned out to be the beginning of a new, better, relationship (after a month or so of her hating me to pieces). In one of your other posts you said something about not giving up hope and I think that is good. No need to give up hope, just get on with life and see what happens. It feels so good to be able to take the focus off of the difficult child!

Hugs,
Jane

 

[hearthope]

Thanks Jane! My mom has always been a strong supporter. But, when I told her what happened after court she just couldn't believe I made him leave because he is only 18. She wanted to call her lawyer friend for advice because she was sure I couldn't do that until he was 19. I just said mom what are you saying? That we should live this way for another year?
Thanks for sharing about your difficult child. It is true we can't help but make difficult child the center of attention even if we are not trying to.
And I know that our easy child's and husband's need to have the "whole" mom around, not just the pieces that we try to put back together when our difficult children have shattered us.

 

[everywoman]

At 18 I was married, going to college, working fulltime, was pregnant, and buying a house!!! I think part of the problem with our kids (a big collective our) is that we don't expect enough out of them. They are told that at 18 they are adults and then we, as a society, continue to treat them like children. He will be fine. He has survived outside of your house before, he can do it. He will not hit bottom if you do not allow him to. Tell your mother that as well. Explain to her that if she wants to help to allow you to parent him without judgement. Explain enabling. Maybe it will work.

 

[DammitJanet]

hearthope...tell your mom that there are 18 year olds fighting in Iraq and dying for this country. My son went into the Marines at 18. My father went aboard a ship in WWII at 17 and fought in the South Pacific. 18 is an adult.