difficult child showed up at 9:45....

[hearthope]

Janet & Katmom ~ We had a talk today. She shared her fears and I shared my fears if he stayed in the home. Hopefully she understands now.
I fully agree that we baby these guys too much. Maybe it has to do with the broken dreams...Or maybe we just know what is out there in the world that can hurt them.

 

[KFld]

You sound like you are doing o.k. I know it takes awhile, but hang in there. You know you are doing what is best for everyone, including your son! Time will show you that he will benefit more from this then anyone else.

Glad to hear you are doing good with the hardest thing you have probably ever had to do in your life.

 

[hearthope]

Karen thanks! It is the support of you guys that is making the difference.
I know I have posted alot lately, but it has helped me work through so many emotions.

I know that Barbara told me to keep posting about it and it has made all the difference in the world.

God Bless you all! and thank you so much for all the feedback.

 

[ScentofCedar]

Hearthope, we brought our son home so many times. We paid for apartments and cars and driver's licenses and fines. Your son is eighteen. Ours, at thirty-one, is still, to put it kindly (!) at loose ends. Nothing is ever enough. We have spent thousands of dollars just to get our son up and running...but unless the child wants to go in the right direction, none of that matters. If I had it to do over, I would have admitted that, with our son at least, drugs played the biggest part in what was happening. If I had done that, instead of trying to figure out where husband and I had damaged this child to cause the drug use, I would have come at the problem from a position of strength. I think that is what you need now, too. Whatever the root cause is, there are certain markers you can use to determine whether your son is making progress or not. Talk with husband, and with your mother too, if that will help her, about what you will need to see before you help your son.

When we helped?

We were only making it possible for our son to spiral further downward.

Once you know what you expect your son to do to elicit any further help from you, tell your son that. Tell him that if he is determined to go this way, you cannot stop him. Tell him what you will need to see from him before you allow him to come home, before you will help him in any way.

We parents forget that we hold that power over our kids.

You do have that power.

If you are clear with your son about your expectations (and I would tell him that he was raised to do better than this ~ I would tell him that, alot), then your son will believe you. It may not happen tomorrow, but there will be a clear path for him to follow back to who he was raised to be.

And I am glad you are posting about it, hearthope.

We parents are so isolated that we have no source of strength or experience to draw on when the kids do these things.

We will be strong for you, until you are able to face this child head on.

Barbara

 

[SunnyFlorida]

I meant to reply to this sooner HH but got sidetracked this weekend.
I too am so sorry you are experiencing this pain and confusion.
When my difficult child's left (one left with exgf and one we asked to leave), besides changing the locks, we packed up their stuff and put them in containers. I still have those containers in my garage. Yes, it's been 3yrs now. difficult child 2 took the majority of his clothing and whatever was left I ended up getting rid of because he has since outgrowned it. But...difficult child 1 still has plenty of clothes in those containers. When he needs something, he calls and we go through and pick out what he needs. The rest of the stuff is childhood memories that I plan on sorting through "one day".

I turned both of their rooms into guest rooms. I've completed one and am slowly working on the other. One has a futon in it, new paint, new carpet, newer used furniture. The other I put both twin beds in it and difficult child 1's furniture. If someone needs to spend the night, depending on circumstances, we can allow it....if we choose. Point is, these are not THEIR room that they are sleeping in. Their rooms are gone. These rooms are my guest rooms and have no difficult child memorabilia in it.

It's all to easy to feed into whatever difficult child throws at you. I would encourage you to post as frequently as you can and learn from those who have been there done that. It's hard to admit that you've done something one way and it may have not been the best way. That doesn't mean it was wrong....it just means "what we did isn't working....we should try something different".

Your difficult child has been given a chance by the judge. It's up to him. If he asks for assistance, he must do the "do to get". If he doesn't, then the assistance must stop.

:smile:Thinking of you.

 

[hearthope]

SF ~ I plan on going through his room and changing it to a guest room. At this point I plan on packing his things and storing them in the attic. I let him pick the paint for his room and the walls are burgandy and gray, so hopefully a fresh coat of white will help to change it dramaticly.

Barbara ~ You have a gift! I get so much from your post! I think because I have the same thoughts regarding my difficult child, but you seem to put my thoughts in print and it is so reassuring.
I am taking my time and thinking through everything before I talk to husband or difficult child about what help we can provide in the future.
I know that my difficult child can twist things to his benefit before I realize what has happened. And he knows better than anyone else where my buttons are and how to push them before I realize it. I know husband and I have to be on the same page, honestly we both have needed the break from the issues of difficult child this weekend and have not even mentioned it to each other.


I told difficult child repeatedly before he went to rehab (when I suspected he was using) that I would move a mountain for him if he was trying to help himself and do the right thing. I also said if he chose the wrong road I would not help him in any way go down it.
Hindsight ~ He was high when we were having these talks. He would be awake in the wee hours and I couldn't sleep with all the worry. I would go into the den and talk to him and he was so willing to talk. I thought I was really getting somewhere, sadly it was the cocaine that was calming him and producing the mellow, understanding
conversation.
I have learned alot. I still have so much more to learn. I feel very blessed to have found this board so full of wisdom and concern.
Again I say~ God Bless You All for being so willing to draw on your past very painful situations to help others that are just beginning to realize what is in store for them in the future