Disowning adult children - when is enough enough ?? any thoughts ?

[recoveringenabler]

Barbara, that was beautifully written and so very true, you articulated it wonderfully, thank you.

 

[scent of cedar]

Oh, thank you, recovering! I came back just now to check it and see whether it was too dark. It's alright, I suppose. We really can't write honestly about painful things without feeling badly about what we have to say. What I would like to add though, is that as our son began coming back to who he was brought up to be, my feelings for him have come out of hiding.

Painful and confusing times, for all of us.

 

[jisduit]

You couldn't have said it better - I want to respond but busy making dinner for my kids - THANK YOU

 

[JJJ]

Excellent post Barbara....just excellent.

 

[DammitJanet]

Jusduit....83 huh? Well we must have been there at the same time sometime...lol. I grew up on Devonwood Rd and I know that Catholic church. In fact, I had girl scouts there when I was younger. When I was born I lived on Wylmoth Drive over near that Lutheran Church. The name escapes me right now..lol.

I remember Chesterfield Towne Center when it was Chesterfield Mall and Cloverleaf Mall was the place to go. Chesterfield Mall had what....a movie theater, a game center and a couple of stores? Now look at it...lol.

Since I dont give a darn...my real name is Janet and I hung out with the stoner crowd with a few people named Laurie, Greg, Cindy any of those ring a bell?

 

[jisduit]

Barbara -

You gave me the much need Gibb Slap - WOW - I dont know how to thank you. Those light bulbs just kept turning on if you know what I mean. I hope you don't mind but I plan on sharing alot of what you replied with my counselor. Reading and thinking about your words helped me let go of some stress and was able to actually enjoy a day with my 2 kids - your wonderful

Janet - I knew of one janet but she was younger than me - email me at this screen name at yahoo - we can maybe figure it out - you may have known me as Deborah or Debbie

 

[GlassPaws55]

When is enough enough? Today I clearly wanted to end my relationship with my 24 year old son. He is so combative, argumentative and difficult. I know he has issues but his father and I are so tired of dealing with him. Trying to complete the paperwork for Social Security for my son today.It's like being in a room with a caged tiger with only little bars separating me from the abyss. I had all to not to throw him out of the car when it was moving in traffic. I know it sounds awful as his mother, but most of the time I can't take him, stuffed or otherwise. I am so demoralized I simply cannot sleep.

 

[jisduit]

I have talked t all out and made firm decisions. I wrote him a brief letter today just to say that I wont be writing or visiting. Any letters that I get from him will be returned refused a friend pointed out that if I read them I may fall for his sappy story again. I need to work on me and be there for my 21 and 6 year old and I will not tolerate his manipulation and temper tantrums. My doctor put me back on an antidepresent - I think I need it. Sentencing is scheduled for this Tuesday. Now if I can just shake this dam cold everything will be peachy.

Glass - it doesnt sound terrible - to me it sounds healthy

 

[cw_mi]

Excellent advice has been given, already.

This site is an amazing place. :O)

To what has already been said, I would add that this child has disowned YOU. You did not raise him to be who he has become. He has chosen, again and again, to take actions you would never approve of in a million years. And yet, though you had no control over what this child chose, you have felt responsible. You have been ashamed, and have devoted anguished days and months and years to trying to change things for this person.

And none of that mattered, because this person chose his path against your will, against your advice and in spite of all you could do. He knows better than to be who he is, than to do as he has done. You taught him better. You are not responsible for his actions.

It was vitally important for me to get this piece before I could learn to act in my own defense.

You need to learn this, too.

That we sometimes need to turn our own children not just our of our homes, but out of our deepest, most secret hearts is one of the most punishing consequences of loving a child who is going the wrong way. We never forget how it felt to hold or soothe or teach them. We never quite lose the dream of who we believed they would become, as we watched them grow. Those dreams and memories color our realities for the rest of our lives.

But we have to open our eyes and acknowledge that, however it happened, that child we cherished is gone; that young man we envisioned never came to be. If we are to reclaim this territory of the heart, we need to grieve these dreams and go on.

I don't think we ever truly forget our children. I don't think we ever stop grieving their loss.

But we have to move on.

Taking public, concrete steps to prevent them from coming back and reopening those wounds is a marker, a signpost on the path to healing. It's like declaring an end to an unending game.

There was a thread here once about whether it would be worse to lose a child (to death) than it is to lose them by bits and pieces, as we have all done. I think the conclusion was that, if our child was still alive, there was hope. But if there is no hope, then even if the child is still living, we must sometimes declare an ending for our own health, for our own survival and quality of life.
Elle Wiesel wrote of his experiences in the concentration camps something to the effect that the sacred horror of what he had lived through would be sullied, diluted, by trying to put it into words. That is very much what it feels like to be a mother who has torn one of her children out of her heart. And there is no way anyone who has not faced that choice even begins to comprehend that pain.

It isn't about your son, anymore. Now it is about you, about cutting the ties and grieving the lost dreams and going on.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Barbara

Great words, thanks for sharing. I sent them to my wife, since it also fits our situation.
To the OP , I am very sorry for all that has happened.

 

[Estranged2015]

I'm new here tonight, grateful for all of you. Thanks especially for Barbara's long post,which is what made me join. It is so good not to feel alone.

 

[2much2recover]

Wow, I can't imagine having to go through what you have been through with your son. I agree you not only have a right to dis-own him but a responsibility to yourself and your family to do so as well. Sounds as though thorough very bad genetic DNA make up he will never be safe to be around again. I also agree that you should see a lawyer to make sure you write up your will and wishes that meet your state guidelines. My heart breaks for you having to go through this tragic situation.

 

[recoveringenabler]

2m2r, just pointing out that this is an old thread from a year ago.

 

[2much2recover]

Oh, OK, any idea how it popped up today? Coincidentally, I happen to know someone who's family member is a recent victim (December 2014-January 2015) of the same type of predator who is currently incarcerated. He has not gone to trial yet but wow what deviation to the victim and family of the victim.

 

[recoveringenabler]

The threads come back to life when someone posts to it now, so the poster just before you responded and brought it back.

Geez, I'm sorry about that person you know, that is really terrible.

 

[TerryJ2]

Jisduit and tiredof33,
I totally agree with the others, and I love the way Scent of Cedar flipped the coin--HE disowned YOU by his behavior.
People who say they could never disown their children have never gone through what you have. And they're probably speaking from a point of view of a parent with-small children. Once you've got an older child who preys upon the little ones, you have to protect the younger ones. No questions, no discussion.
Jisduit, you have been through a lot. Your son is mentally ill, defiant, and in denial, still hell-bent on blaming you for everything. I don't see him getting better. I agree with-the others, get a lawyer, and make sure everything in your will is ironclad. Make sure your locks have been changed. Maybe even your phone number, although nowadays you can block specific numbers.
{{Many hugs}} Now it's your turn to take care of yourself.

 

[2much2recover]

Recovering: this post did go make me look up the laws on civil commitment for sexually violent predators- which at least we now know that this monster will never taste freedom again,

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

No one can understand the heartbreak of having a child like this unless they have one too.

I was like, "How did I miss this thread?' until I saw my own post.

I wish we could know how this mom is, today. I hope she is well and happy.

Cedar

 

[Estranged2015]

This is so kind of you! Thank you. I am looking in to finding a local in-person group. I think I haven't participated in this one correctly. Is there a page that tells how to start a thread? Thank you for your patience w a beginner.

Didn't find your detachment advice, will try searching for it as sketch word. Thanks.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I moved your post onto it's own thread, "new member needing support" in Parent Emeritus.
At the bottom of my post here is a link, click on it and that will take you to the detachment article.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Did you guys notice how many views this post has?

There are alot more of us coping with these kinds of issues than just those of us who post in about it.

Cedar