Don't Think I want to try any more

[Overwhelmed1]

I would not do good face to face talking about me. It's really weird, I have no problem listening and try to comfort someone else but I can't talk about myself. It's like my issues are so obvious that I should have no problem fixing myself.
My family, and I have 9 siblings, have always called me the peace keeper. Even their spouses say it. In the past if my family didn't show up for my life events, others were told, "Oh she will understand"
Actually I didn't and it hurt but I didn't complain. I never missed a birth, birthday, holiday, reunion, hospitalization etc. when it came to my family, although I was not extended the same courtesy. Now I don't have any contact with any of them because I stopped making the calls or trips.
Way to much info but I guess this is why I feel I can't talk about myself face to face to someone.
Maybe this is just what my life was meant to be.
And this is why I appreciate all of you and this forum.
Thank you all...

 

[BusynMember1]

Our lives are what we make of them. We are treated, I have learned, how we allow.

I too am a peacekeeper. I never wanted anyone to have to worry about me and I am a listener. And I got some of the treatment you got. But I am still in touch with my family. After all, I feel I can't expect others to do what I don't ask of them. I see this with my daughter too. She treats me the way I allowed her to for many years. Over a decade. I did not ask for respect. Her abuse was tolerated. Often I told myself she couldn't help it ornitnmust be my fault that she is so mean to me.

I started Al Anon and rarely spoke but I did a lot of listening and eventually felt safe enough to share a bit, then later on a lot. Therapy started after Al Anon so I was already a bit more comfortable talking about the situation. Today I feel very safe telling certain people about what is going on, but I don't talk in depth about it with family. I do feel like my many siblings understand, but they still think of me as being stronger than I am. It is what it is.

I am not telling you to push yourself to ask for support from others. But if you want to change you can. It's really up to you. None of us are locked into being one way. Even being older is not a reason we can't change. We can always change.

It sounds as if your siblings were very dismissive of your feelings. I am sorry. This happened to me at times too. I know the hurt. I feel for you. It's just that dealing with our kids in my opinion is easier if we have a support system. But maybe that is not true of all of us and I am projecting. Forgive me please if I am.

My mother's heart hurts for you and I send many prayers and cyber hugs. We are always here for you.

 

[Across The Pond]

Overwhelmed

There is probably a very understandable reason why you were the peacekeeper in your family. Sometimes family roles are unconsciously thrust on us and are not something we would chose for ourselves, but it keeps the family 'stable'.

Awareness can help us step out of our roles and ask 'is this working for ME any longer ?' It was hurtful to you when your family members were not there for you. It sounds like you decided to make changes by not doing all the running anymore around your family.

I hope you are able to start little by little talking about you. It has certainly helped me love myself a bit more. If people do not listen, you can try find somebody who will. I certainly would want to listen to you. You are a caring human being. You deserve to find happiness, joy and contentment. We are all trying to make sense of the world around us and ourselves; always a work in progress !

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Our lives are what we make of them. We are treated, I have learned, how we allow.

I too am a peacekeeper. I never wanted anyone to have to worry about me and I am a listener. And I got some of the treatment you got. But I am still in touch with my family. After all, I feel I can't expect others to do what I don't ask of them. I see this with my daughter too. She treats me the way I allowed her to for many years. Over a decade. I did not ask for respect. Her abuse was tolerated. Often I told myself she couldn't help it ornitnmust be my fault that she is so mean to me.

I started Al Anon and rarely spoke but I did a lot of listening and eventually felt safe enough to share a bit, then later on a lot. Therapy started after Al Anon so I was already a bit more comfortable talking about the situation. Today I feel very safe telling certain people about what is going on, but I don't talk in depth about it with family. I do feel like my many siblings understand, but they still think of me as being stronger than I am. It is what it is.

I am not telling you to push yourself to ask for support from others. But if you want to change you can. It's really up to you. None of us are locked into being one way. Even being older is not a reason we can't change. We can always change.

It sounds as if your siblings were very dismissive of your feelings. I am sorry. This happened to me at times too. I know the hurt. I feel for you. It's just that dealing with our kids in my opinion is easier if we have a support system. But maybe that is not true of all of us and I am projecting. Forgive me please if I am.

My mother's heart hurts for you and I send many prayers and cyber hugs. We are always here for you.

Thank you Busy, I appreciate your response and agree.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Overwhelmed

There is probably a very understandable reason why you were the peacekeeper in your family. Sometimes family roles are unconsciously thrust on us and are not something we would chose for ourselves, but it keeps the family 'stable'.

Awareness can help us step out of our roles and ask 'is this working for ME any longer ?' It was hurtful to you when your family members were not there for you. It sounds like you decided to make changes by not doing all the running anymore around your family.

I hope you are able to start little by little talking about you. It has certainly helped me love myself a bit more. If people do not listen, you can try find somebody who will. I certainly would want to listen to you. You are a caring human being. You deserve to find happiness, joy and contentment. We are all trying to make sense of the world around us and ourselves; always a work in progress !

Across The Pond, thank you for your response. I did go to a counselor many years ago when my mom and I had a disagreement. Well it wasn't really a disagreement, she blamed me for something that I didn't even knew happened. It really didn't help. The counselor wanted to go way back to my childhood and pull our things he felt I had put way back in my mind and wouldn't let surface.
I went another time when my dad said it was my fault my younger sister was locked in the bathroom threatening to kill herself. I was a mother at this time and wasn't even living there. I didn't have a clue why she was doing this. I did gather up my two kids and went to my mom and dad's to talk to her because they (mom and dad) had to go to work. We later, much later found out she was bipolar. All my family lived close but I was the only one called.
I again went to a counselor and was again told I need to be opened about what happened to me when I was younger.
I don't remember anything happening.
I guess I tried two or three more times to get professional help but I never got out of it what I expected. And I really don't know what I did expect.
I had a great relationship with both my kids until they started highschool. Then the drinking and drugs started. It was a long journey for all three of us.
Neither of them are using or drinking any more, but they are completely dependent on me. I really do think the
Drugs and alcohol kept them in the mind set of a teen.
I don't know if that is fixable.
As far as my family, I know if I call they will talk to me but I always feel it's because they have to. I would not hear back from them unless I call.
It's been years since I have called.
Sorry for the book.

 

[Nandina]

Lots of fixers and peacekeepers on this site! Count me as one also. Middle child, peacekeeper, listener, yet strong—everyone depends on me to do the hard stuff, and I can’t count the times my siblings have hurt or taken advantage of me. My sister’s favorite line after passing off the worst of family responsibilities on me... “But this is your *calling*, Nandina.”

Is it any wonder then, that we end up being victims of our children as well? It’s like we’re easy targets. I think people like us have a certain sensitivity or vulnerability that signals to those who would be prone to taking advantage of or disrespecting us and they hone in on it. And combine that signal with a mother’s undying love and ability to nurture, and you can easily become the victim of someone else’s selfishness and sense of entitlement.

Overwhelmed, I don’t remember what you have done or if you have done anything to start making your adult children become more independent. But you won’t be there forever for them. How will they make it after you’re gone if you’re doing everything for them now? I think you are absolutely right about the drinking and drugging from an early age keeping them in the mindset of a teen. But teens have to grow up. And your “adult teens” have some catching up to do!

I think you’re going to have to help your kids become less dependent on you. It will be hard, but you can start small. Maybe make them responsible for their own bills or little by little have them take on some of the other responsibilities you’re currently doing for them. Explain to them that this is how it’s going to be from now on. And yes, they’re not gonna like it! It’s so necessary though, Dear One. As you give them more and more responsibilities, the burden on you should ease up and perhaps you can begin doing some of those things for yourself that you’ve been putting on the back burner for so long. And hopefully, it will help your kids to grow up and become self-sufficient. They need this as much as you do!

And by the way...to me, this situation that you need help with would be the perfect thing to discuss with a counselor and perhaps they can help you with suggestions and support. There is nothing that says the only way you can get professional help is by delving deep into your childhood via psychoanalysis. I wouldn’t want that either, although for some folks it’s very helpful. Sometimes we’re just stuck in a situation and we need a little help getting out of it. There are all kinds of counselors out there. There are even online and Skype counselors who don’t have to see you in their office. Usually you can read on their website about what type of counseling they offer. And you can always call or email with a question to determine if they might be a good fit. I hope you’ll consider that or any other form of support the good people on this site have suggested.

Baby steps, Overwhelmed...one foot in front of the other...like The Little Engine that Could, a favorite book from my childhood but such a great story...”I think I can, I think I can... climbin’ up that hill!

Hugs to you,
Nan

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Nan, you wrote that so well. Even though I know everything you say is truth, why then as a professional adult does it seem so hard. The actions I need to take should be so obvious to me yet I sit here with this "woe is me" attitude instead of being the parent I should be.
I need to snap out of this and be a better mother. Now doing it, like you said will take work and hard work from me. But that's what mother's do right?
My days are numbered and I am not getting any younger. The best thing I can do for my family is give them the strength and ability to move forward and grow up.
Damn, how stupid, I am even showing my grandkids how it shouldn't be done. I think more than a counselor, I need a swift kick in my pants. What an eye opener so early on a Saturday morning.
Thank you so much Nan!
This wishy-washy mom needs to get it together.

Peace and Love

 

[Across The Pond]

I am hearing a lot of things that you are critical of yourself about; a lot of "shoulds". We are always are worst critic ! If it were that easy all our lives would be perfect.

i wonder whether being loving and kind to yourself, nuturing yourself, discovering what your needs are, putting yourself first in line for care, will also help you make choices that will give the best outcome for your children.

As Nan says, there are many types of counseling. if you want to have gentle care and acceptance, and not go back so much into your past you could see if there is a person-centred or client-centred counsellor near you. If there is not, don't worry. Try several; chose someone you get on with.