dont understand

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Teriobe, Feb 15, 2017.

  1. Teriobe

    Teriobe Member

    Why when my son and talk on phone and he keeps saying as soon as hes out of prison hes getting the hell out of az. I say well no matter where you go there's gonna be drugs. And he gets mad at me and says, So what your saying i dont have a future and your giving up on me.
    And he gets all mad at me. Is this fear he is feeling on being alone, im the only one he has left, or is he doing the whole how can you abandon me thingy. Is it because there is doubt in my voice
    Well look at his history. There's doubt.
     
  2. Teriobe

    Teriobe Member

    Oh he does throw in there, your not gonna visit me or put money on my books. So your just gonna give up on me, so why should i call then. With f bombs in there.
    I dont know if this is a guilt trip hes trying to put on me. Or what
    What the heck he think im gonna be all cheerie and say nothing but positive things to him. Well i told him this crap is wearing on me and he says well me too. You think i like this and i say well you keep doing it which sets him off
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2017
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If you want to have a lot of contact with your difficult son, i recommend just sticking to benign topics. Like how are you doing. When he complains listen without commenting. Badgering him to do better or stay clean will oly make him mad and abusive to you. You can not reason with most of our difficult kids and they dont want our two sense. Who knows what he means? in my opinion you need to set boundaries. And not feel one twinge of guilt. He deserves nothing but your love, not you listening to his crapola, since he has chosen to go to jail twice rather than follow our laws.

    9If he wont speak respectfully, you may want to tell him you will hang up if he is not respectful. You dont have to listen to f bombs and abuse. And you cant analyze what he means when he is on a rant. He probably means he wants more money on his account. I would give him very little.

    Your son has not committed to being drug free. There are ways to get drugs in jail. Drugs are there. You assume he will stay clean. Im not sure that is his goal. Are you?

    Maybe limit calls to once a week, ten minutes, and only if he speaks kindly. You must try to move on with your own life. You cant control this son. And it is best not to try. It will only hurt you. I hear how dostraught you are in your posts. I get it. You would die for him. He is your child. You are afraid for him.

    But sadly many do not chose good lives and we cant change another person. One day he may get sick of his life. It happens. But he isnt there right now. You HAVE to take care of yourself. You matter. Do you have other loved oes and dear friends you can focus on? Do you ever focus on yourself?

    You cant give up on another person. Only they can give up on themselves. Giving him money does not empower him. In fact, it can cause problems. He is not making sense. He has to change, and it has to come from deep within him, not from you.
     
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2017
  4. Teriobe

    Teriobe Member

    Thanks your right. I need to stop trying to figure him out. I cant. I will work on biting my tongue, he doesnt listen to me anyway. Of course this fight on phone happens the day before my vacation starts. So i will have to try hard to not let it affect my vacation. I go thru the wudda cudda shudda crap when something happens. I cant wait to start with the psycologist when i get back.
     
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  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Teriobe, forgive me if I sound harsh but I'm not sure I would be in contact with my offspring if he/she treated me that way. I can't remember how old he is, you may want to make a signature and put that info in your signature.
     
  6. Teriobe

    Teriobe Member

    Started my vacation. Drove 9 hrs, whole time stressing about our fight on the phone. Cant believe how i let this affect me so much. Music didnt help. I have to let it go before i get to my sisters house tomarrow.
     
  7. Teriobe

    Teriobe Member

    When he starts ranting or gives me that attitude like oh well :censored2: happens get over it, then i lose it then im ranting. We both lost it on phone call. Now i feel guilty for making him cry, if it was real.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Dont engage him much. Say yes and ok and i have to go. You cant have a rational conversation wirh a drug addict. If you try, yes, it will ruin your life. My faughter is an ex addi t. Her words to moms; "Dont believe a word an addict says. They lie. All.The.Time."

    Your son is safer in jail than on the street. No reason to hold his hand. He has done this dance before and chose to do it again. He isnt a little boy. You need to try to take care of yourself and let him grow up, be a man. That means let go and minimize how often you talk to Son and what you say and let it go afterwards. He rents too much space in your head. I get that you still love him. Of course you do. But hes not a little boy whom you could kiss and make better. He is a man in every legal way and he knows what he is doing. You cant stop him, like you did when he was ten. Stop thinking of the little boy you once held. See the grown man that he is. This is not on you. Not your fault.

    Enjoy time with your sister. Tell us how much fun you have!!