Doubts and questions about my course.

[Copabanana]

I am at the mailbox store because my computer has a virus and is in the shop.

Thank you for your replies. My son is at the house right now where I will soon return to take him home. I agree with most everything posted here and I thank you so much. I think the idea of spiritual counseling or therapy together is a good one and I believe my son might do it. I love what you said, GSM, about finding that haven of profound love for our child, amidst all of the noise. Albatross, Susie and others, thank you for your belief in me, and my deep devotion to my child.

My son thankfully knows me quite well, knows how much I love him, and is tolerant of my failings. But he demands his voice, and stridently voices his boundaries and disputes my incursions. He seems to take my extremity is par for the course, which is not to say I do not have the responsibility to change. Yesterday I went to find him (bearing a fire escape ladder for him to use in case of emergency. While this is not an inherently ludicrous idea, the hilarity of it did not escape me. But, hey. I'm me. I have decided to do the small things I can to minimize some my anxiety, and to leave the rest in g-d's hands.

That said, GSM, I will channel you: I feel fortunate and grateful that my son and I have sustained a relationship.

Thank you, all.

 

[so ready to live]

Hi Copa. I have followed along as you have "sorted out". I too feel this is a place to talk to ME. I often appreciate feedback but primarily reap benefit from putting my feelings down "on paper".

Yesterday I went to find him (bearing a fire escape ladder for him to use in case of emergency. While this is not an inherently ludicrous idea, the hilarity of it did not escape me.

Ah the ladder, how many times have I carried that? Our boy/men have needs other than their substance issues and I now know my line is a "roof overhead". I simply cannot bear the homeless pain when I know his abilities are not that of the average person...so we contribute toward rent as long as he makes appointments and continues to try. I found my line of peace, it's there. Is it conditional? Yes. But it's not love, it's assistance. Life is full of conditions, it's ok that he understands this. I continue each day to try to find my peace above his circumstances. Thank you for your musings-they strengthen me, just knowing you are still in this also. Prayers.

 

[Lil]

Hope your computer is back soon Copa. How's it going?

Those uncertainties and worries must be catching.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Lil and everybody. No. The computer is not home yet. I will go tomorrow to pick it up.

I simply cannot bear the homeless pain when I know his abilities are not that of the average person.

srtl, what a beautiful post and so reflective of what I suffer. I have cut off so much of myself in order to do the 'right thing." Sometimes, I do not know how my son keeps loving me. Thank you, everybody.

 

[Kalahou]

Dear Copa,

I’ve been following along with all your many posts and have reaped wisdom from much of what everyone has shared.

I have cut off so much of myself in order to do the 'right thing."

My interpretation of this truth you shared may or may not be the way you intended it, but I will share “my take” for what it means to me. The phrase just leapt out at me, as a great gem of wisdom.

I recognize this to be true of myself, that in order to help my son by practicing detachment, I have given up / cut off much of myself ~ in my relationship to him and to some extent with others, in order to practice what I have now learned in detachment is “the right thing.”

For example, my basic genetic nature and also my field of employment is one of continually giving to others, encouraging, uplifting, assisting, coaching, analyzing, and implementing for resolution, planning, etc. ~ usually with my intent and hope that I was doing a good thing. I have found that to not always be so.

I am still a person with these innate traits in my work and with many folks who may relate well to me in this way. But with my son in particular, I found that exercising those natural attributes did not work and were not good. I came to realize that the more I encouraged, suggested, assisted, cared, etc., ~ the very opposite of my intent and hope is what occurred. So yes, I have cut so much of myself off and receded from demonstrating my innate “nature” and have learned to "flex" my style (as needed) with him and with some others also. I learned it is better for me and for them.

“Cutting off so much of myself” was truly needed "to do the right thing", and has helped and allowed my son to be who he will be, and has bettered our situation. In losing much of my life, I found much more.

It was a necessary loss for me to willingly lose and give up / cut off so much of myself, in order to release my son and to give him my acceptance and give him the freedom (without my fretting and concern) to be the person he can be on his own. (As a side realization, I learned that "fretting" (worry / concern ...) really only springs from a desire/ determination to want to have it all go our own way. What a revelation !)

In cutting off much of myself, I am learning much more understanding and wisdom in the process.
Thank you, and take care, dear.

 

[wisernow]

I agree Kalahou. I liken it to "repotting" a plant. Sometimes you need to do that to help the plant grow. The process for the plant is painful and it needs to be handled gingerly but then it can grow stronger and more beautiful. Alas when we finally let go of our adult children with loving detachment it cuts to the core of our hearts and souls and I believe theirs as well. The end product however will be stronger and more beautiful as we dance as two separate beings on our life path , but still walk together on some roads, on our terms.

 

[Copabanana]

GSM posted that she was trying to act from a place of compassion and empathy toward her son and she was finding this to be validating for her as a mother and person. Coincidentally RB just posted an article about peaceful parenting the foundation of which is compassion as an alternative to either a permissive, withdrawn, or punishing stance.

A peaceful parent does not impose her rules and expectations nor does she throw up her hands or kick out her child. Peaceful parents set limits and have expectations but they manage their own emotions while keeping in the mix with their child, trying to see and honor their child's point of view, feelings and goals. While the article posted by RB seems geared to the younger child, it relates to my relationship to my adult son.

When I try to over control my son by trying to impose my own values and expectations as conditions as soon as I am out of view he resists or undermines what I seek to impose. He does not develop self-discipline nor does he develop an internal locus of control and intrinsic sense of who he is and what he can accomplish. I lose the power of our relationship to motivate him and I lose the container of our loving relationship to guide him.

The keys: compassion, empathy, loving understanding; holding onto my strength and maintaining calm. Proposing alternatives that I can live with and letting him decide his own course.