Embracing his failure

[bluebell]

Haven't been on here in a few weeks. Our family, son included, took a trip to meet my husband's biological mother. It went well it was a short trip except my son got drunk and skipped one of the 2 days of vacation to stay in bed. That was embarrassing but no one seemed to take note, he didn't get drunk in front of them, so at least there's that. He put out a few 'feelers' on moving back home and going back to college but never followed thru. We were relieved because the answer would have been 'no'.

One of his good 'friends' died on Saturday from suspected overdose and he came by to tell us. He said he was going to call into work that night (delivering pizzas) but I located him at work and he texted me 'I don't know what to do mom.' Of course we all rallied - husband, daughter, boyfriend - sending texts and calling but he never answered. Showed up yesterday to shower and all is fine.

But then this morning around 3 am my husband gets a call from a police officer saying he gave son the wrong court date. Finally got son to answer phone and he's all nonchalant saying he got in a wreck, got a ticket for reckless driving. He said he gave the police his dad's number because he didn't know his. ? He sounded drunk or something I don't know how he didn't get a dwi. Anyway, he said the car was not drivable but that he had driven it(?). Another mess to clean up, his dad is cosigned on the car but son has been making payments while living outside our home. He is on our insurance though, so it is our mess to clean up. Unfortunately not our first rodeo. And yes, we should know better.

How am I feeling? Remarkably ok. I was jamming to Justin Timberlake on the way to work. I'm glad he doesn't have a car. I'm glad he will lose his job. I am embracing this failure. This is new for me - usually I'm all wringing hands and nothing else - and is almost happening involuntarily. Part of detachment or maybe I'm just deluded? Time will tell!

 

[Tanya M]

How am I feeling? Remarkably ok.

Bluebell, I'm sorry to hear about what happened with your son. It's so good to hear that you are doing well with it all. Yes, embracing his failure is good way to respond. I do hope he will learn from this.
I'm sorry you and your husband are left to clean up some of his mess.

There's nothing like jamming out in the car to some good tunes.

 

[Copabanana]

I am embracing this failure. This is new for me - usually I'm all wringing hands and nothing else - and is almost happening involuntarily.

I think I go into trauma mode. I have found that the first reaction typically does not sustain itself.

I have to roll with it in order to experience the various emotions that come up for me. I am recently, just a couple of days, engaging in conversation with my son to come back to our town (he is homeless, because I threw him out.) At first, when I opened up to him, I felt happy, hopeful. Now I am having the backlash of dread, the recognition that I am opening up to more of the same.

I think these contradictory feelings are normal. It is ambivalence. How could I not feel both hope and fear and dread? Who in their right mind would say, OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING? When almost the last decade has been a roller coaster of resistance, wanting, and pain....which has led invariably to more pain.

But the thing is, it is a beautiful morning, if there is a way that I can set aside the domination of reaction that result from the past patterns. There is always hope. I think our challenge is to do this. To act from our love and our home (I meant to write, hope, but I think home fits too), and to push to the side, our dread.

I think that is what you are doing. You are you. You are safe. You have your music. You have your family and your home. Your pets, if you have them. You are connected to your son. You are talking. You are supporting him. It is a glass half full. I think the ability to stay within this connectedness, is a blessing. I hope I never again push my son away so that I lose that. Because when I lose that I lose the best of myself.

I am seeing that detachment is a process that is completely internal and it is not contingent upon any external circumstance. The external circumstances that are important are not those in our children. It is how we choose to act for ourselves. Proactively, seeking support, doing what we can do to surround ourselves with life choices that affirm us, not them. Of which we are the center, not them.

It is taking me way too long to learn what you seem to have hit upon now. Good for you.

I am not minimizing how hard this is. I know how hard it is.

 

[Elsi]

Bluebell, I'm sorry to hear about this setback but glad to hear you are taking it in stride. I hope you can stay strong and this mess doesn't cause you too many headaches over the next few weeks here! Hang in there.

 

[Smithmom]

Ah the freedom of adult children...we are not responsible for them. Not for their rent, utilities, phone bills or cars!!!! One of the joys of being older... Not my problem!!! Enjoy it! I love it!

 

[RN0441]

Two steps forward and one step behind!

Or is it one step forward and ten steps behind? LOL who knows.

Agree glad that you are able to detach a bit.

I've worked so very hard on that and I think I am "there" now and our son now has been sober 13 months and will come to live with us November 18. We have many conditions in place and he now knows we will have no problem putting him out if he does not respect our home and our rules. I hope and pray that does not happen but I have detached so I can be realistic.

He has to prove himself and I am praying that he is able to do so this time so we can again have a relationship with him.

Our boys are young. I pray that your son gets on the right track soon.

 

[bluebell]

But the thing is, it is a beautiful morning, if there is a way that I can set aside the domination of reaction that result from the past patterns. There is always hope. I think our challenge is to do this. To act from our love and our home, and to push to the side, our dread.

Copa, I agree with everything you said! I think maybe I have just been thru this so many times and plus knowing there is a mother who will be burying her son tomorrow really puts things into perspective. Of course, him not being in my physical presence is a complete boon for all of us. I believe absence does make the heart grow fonder in some cases.

His sister found a picture on social media of my son and his friend who died. I forwarded it to him and he was wondering where I got it. I thought the accusations were going to start on getting in his business, etc. But he texted back 'Thanks, that means a lot' with a heart. So Copa, yes, I think if I act from love without giving up my rights, that eventually he may pick up on this and react accordingly.

I don't seem to be fighting the path that he is on. He has wandered so far off the path I would have chosen for him, I have no idea how to give him directions from where he is now. And that's ok. I've just spent so much time trying to get him back on my path (which I still think is the right one) that it's caused me so much psychic pain. But life is short and his actions are starting to affect my path, even though, yes RN he is young. I still have hope that I will know him as a content, confident, stable man. RN, I so pray that you will see that very soon in your son.

Thanks so much to everyone. I will try to get on more and post and help others, work has been very bad lately and there are always leaves in the pool in November. Such a glamorous life!

 

[Copabanana]

if I act from love without giving up my rights

This is it in a nutshell, I think.

 

[LauraH]

I love how you put it "embracing his failure". As adults they are free to make their own choices, but they also have to be willing to face whatever consequences those choices bring, with little or no help (or enabling) from us. Hopefully one day they will do the math and start making better decisions. Or not. But it's all on them, not on us as parents.

 

[Triedntrue]

I hope i am beginning to reach this point.

 

[bluebell]

Well, unfortunately that didn't last long. He got us caught up in his tornado of problems. He took his friend dying very hard and not that I know what a breakdown really is - but I think he had one. And me along with it. Now somehow - it's a blur - he is back in the house and has no car, no job and we are back to square -1. Despair is the only adjective that really fits right now.

 

[Elsi]

OH, Bluebell, I am so sorry. Big hugs. I wish I had magic answers to make it all better, but it sounds like it's going to be an uphill battle in the short run at least. What are you doing to take care of you during this time?