Exercise

[Copabanana]

That was a beautiful post SWOT. Coincidentally I have been reading about self-esteem.

You and I have a couple of things in common that I will try to explain.

First, we relate to each other because we felt alienated in our families and that we did not get loved in the way that we needed.

Second, for some reason, even though we were so vulnerable and alone we were able to decide to fight for ourselves. To do what it took to change ourselves to feel worthy and loved.

Both of us sought out therapy but in my case therapy was a disappointment. But even though the therapy did not help me feel worthy or to be able to have the kind of marriage that you have, I was able to make myself into a person of worth. I believed that this would make me worthy to be cared for and loved. But being a person of worth still did not make me feel I was worth much.

What became clear as I got older was that achievement did not remedy the sense of not being good enough or worthy to be loved. In some sense it made it worse. Because it promoted the illusion that self-worth was connected to externals. When it's not.

I am seeing that self-worth is really a decision. It is not based upon anything out there, out in the future, or any valuation done by others. Nor is it based upon qualities or characteristics, especially, not relative to other people, (as I believed in the past) or based upon what any other person thinks or does. It is an ongoing series of decisions to value oneself, independent of any other thing, and to insist in being valued by others, in terms of how they treat you; and to hold oneself to a high standard of behavior and conduct in the moment. Not in the future.

Self-worth I am seeing is a practice. I have been thinking a lot about means and ends. I guess what I did was I decided to achieve self-worth as an end or goal, by focusing upon changing myself over time incrementally to be somebody who was viewed by others as worthy. I often subjected myself to mistreatment in order to achieve, in order to be successful.

What I am seeing now is that self-worth is really something achieved in the present moment. Real self-worth can never come from subjecting oneself to mistreatment or disrespect or sustained self-denial. With self-worth the ends never justify the means.

I have been reading about black social gospel. I first heard about it on Martin Luther King's birthday. Like Gandhi and non-violence, the fundamental belief is that a positive end can never emerge from abusive means. That a positive end will emerge only from positive means. And that the positive end that can emerge from positive means, is really not knowable. It can be something so miraculous and wonderful that we cannot anticipate it. We don't know it. Until it becomes. (Isn't that wonderful?)

So, I will finally get around to your post. Your posts today speak to this concept. You keep trying to tell us this: Nothing good will come about eating too little to sustain yourselves. Nothing good will come from denying yourself foods that you love. Nothing good will come from self-denial. Trust that doing what's right for you and for others right now, will ultimately be good, and bring you good things.

You keep telling us: The ends don't justify the means.

You keep trying to get me to pay attention to the costs, of focusing on the ends, to the detriment of the means. And the means are: constant kind, self-affirming, self-loving choices to nourish and care for myself and others.

Which is self-esteem.

And I keep ignoring you. I keep harping about the 10 pounds, and eating less and less. I compare myself negatively to others, so as to make myself feel bad as I am, and not enough. I focus upon what I lack instead of what I have. I reinforce that I am not good enough as I am. Which is what I have always done.

The reality is the opposite. If I weighed 350 lbs the right way to think and the right thing to do is to make decisions and self-statements that are loving and caring and healthy. Period. And that is how health is achieved. And this was your decision about Paxil.

So the practice of self-esteem is this. Every single minute focus upon choices I can make and decide based upon which choice brings me closer to well-being, to contentment and to wholeness. Period.

I don't regret my life. Because if I did that it would be indulging myself in more of the same meanness. It would be choosing to treat myself badly and without caring. It would not support well-being.

So. Thank you very much for this thread. It's come at the right time for me.

I still believe that I have to watch what I eat. But it doesn't have to be like a hawk, which is a bird of prey. I can choose a new metaphor. A loving metaphor. Cater to myself. I like that better. In no way does that connote self-indulgence. It implies selective pleasure. That's better. Thank you everybody.

 

[BusynMember]

Oh dear Copa. You are too kind and give me way too much credit.

I spent much of my life thinking that because my mother didn't love me I was not lovable. Who has a mother who, with no love at all and for no serious reason, tosses one child out of her life?

Grown kids on this site do horrible things to their parents, verbally and physically abuse them, steal from them, break into their homes, threaten harm, etc and the soft loving mother heart still loves. So why did my mother duscard duscard me? Yes we had verbal fights but they were not lethal. They were fixable. To a normal parent. To me.

I tried to literally grovel for forgiveness and got none. She even refused to know my dear children.

Plus I struggled so badly with learnig disabilities, a mood disorder and terrible anxiety that I didnt know where to look to find self esteem.

If your motjer doesnt love you, nobody will love you. I heard this once and it stuck. My first husband and myself had a horrible relationship u til we divorced lol.

I wad fortunate enough to have two BFFs and the most understanding, loving grandmother savior on earth to love me so much that I had the energy to fight for me against my mother, my awful sister and a creepy uncle who was in my life more than I needed him there.

It was not self worth that made me fight for mysel Like a weaker man againsy Mike Tyson., It was literally a fight for survival. My depression caused suicidal ideation and I was at the time afraid to die but I didnt want to live in constant pain. So I had no choice but to fight like a biotch alone for me. I couldnt really tell my grandmother about it. She did not understand. My friends did. They encouraged the fight.

In the meantime I found that people, friends included, but also virtual strangers, were drawn to me to tell me their problems. This became a huge part of my self esteem...llstening to AND helping others in an active way. Doing more than just listening. Finding resourves to help them
Driving them.around for jobs and housing.

My first husband used to be impressed. He called me a "humanitarian." His word. This he was proud of until he knew I gave money to beggars lol. Nothing stopped me. I felt that I am living this life as a helper. Thats what propelled me to adopt kids that otherwise may not have had homes. This appealed to me more than my DNA. And foster care. And saving animals. And volunteering. And helpimg the homeless anyway I knew how. One of my two BFFs who is now an angel.was just like me in many ways, including the help part. Until her passing she helped. I miss her so.

But depression that is as severe as mine does not just go away no matter how soft your heart may be. I had been tried on a half dozen antidepressants. None helped enough. I had really bad side affects to a few and ended back in a hospital. Not fun!

But I wanted to be happy. I would not stop trying. I never stopped trying. I never would have stopped trying. Then there was Paxil and T and after I acceped T's love (it took a while) suddenly I was no longer super depressed and I was in love with the perfect man for me and we had jumper and Sonic and dumped Chicago for where we are now and things just kept getting better and still are.

I feel fortunate that things like a college education, a lucrative career or material things never mattered much to me for myself. Not like they do to many people. What mattered was how much kindness I could do (and trust me, I slipped!) And how kind another was. So soon I had lots of love and mostly kind people in my life. I chose it.

I never cared if I was beautiful. I was told I was. I liked it. In my early years I felt it was all that I had. But it never was a large part of my identity. I was the one who would help anyone (this I valued most about me), the writer (this mattered), the creative person with a good sense of humor and the loving wife and mother.

The family of choice is who I identify with. Two kids live fifteen minutes from me. I am proud to say that Jumper and Sonic but especially Jumper are always at our house on her days off and that we are very close and that I learned loving relationships with my kids, even Bart. I am also close to Princess and we talk and text like old friends and then there is the baby. I am the grandparent she is closest to per Princess and i dont live that close. She slso loves loves loves Hunter and Jumper and they stay at their house when they come up. Our house is smaller.

My identity has nothing to do with how I look. But I saw people in my family whose identity is SKINNY first. I fear a young member has at besr Orthorexia and at worst a budding case of anorexia. Food and exercise and a blog about it. What kind of life is it to make everything about food and exercise? She has photos and the chest is concave. I havent read that for months and probsbly wont again. It is hard to see it because... its not the first time.

I dont really think much about food until I am ready to eat and I have a fairly healthy diet, but norhing restrictive except for what I was told not to eat for gastric reflux and not much meat. If it has two eyes it is an animal and I dont eat them often but yes I eat animal byproducts.

I do think obesity must be addressed. Sad is the 60 year old who is too big to move. But ask for help. The internet is useless.

Back to self worth. I think it comes from inside you. I do feel worthy because I am so loved and maybe thats a bad reason. But it fills me enough. I feel like I am a good person too. My spirituality is huge for me. Everyone has to walk her own path to self worth. And my creativity and almost empathic sensitivity are also a big part of who I am.

Copa I am amazed at what you achieved and how many down and out inmates you were able to help and how you stepped up for Mom and for how much you love your son. And your animals.

You give off a loving glow with each post and are VERY worthy. I certainly think so very much. I think we all do!

Now go be good to you and find peace today! You deserve it every day!

Here is some hot cocoa and a blueberry muffin!! I would hug you for real if I could.

 

[Tired out]

I still believe that I have to watch what I eat.

Oh dear Copa, You over think it and deny yourself too much. When I over think food, I want the stuff. Example. I was just dying for chocolate, I gave up an made the lava cakes. I had a whole one ready to eat 6oz ramkin about 4 oz of cake. I was going to eat it all. Count the points and enjoy it. The first 3 or 4 bites..YUMM. the 5th..not so much. I haven't finished it. It's in the fridge. will heat like new in the microwave. Maybe tonight. If not I will toss it. Hubs ate and enjoyed his. I guess what I am trying to say. Give yourself permission to enjoy something. Once you quit obsessing think you will find you think about the stuff less often.

Who has a mother who, with no love at all and for no serious reason, tosses one child out of her life?

I don't understand your "mother" at all. She doesn't deserve the title.
Ben was a total $hit. I don't pretend all that didn't happen. But I'm still not going to toss him out of my heart. He.is. mine. God gave him to me, so God must have figured I could do it, the same as I got Adam. To me Adam and Ben both have neurological disabilities. Adam's result in obvious physical disabilities. Ben's aren't physical and result in actions. Either way my goal is for both of them to be the best they can be in this life. I have to give support without enabling.I don't let Adam stay home all day everyday, he has a productive life, yes it takes me to be his transportation and to be on call and many days he spends less that a 6 hour day at workshop.Some days it is only a hour. As long as he is making an effort I am ok with that. As for Ben. He is going to work every day, he picked up a second job and financially I am helping less and less. Soon I will be done assisting him. My goal in the long run for him is to be totally financially independent and to be able to come home for dinner and bring his girl. I know it will happen. remember we talking about you talking to a clairvoyant? A couple of days ago I was in my kitchen. Heard someone laugh behind me. Looked over my shoulder and saw the whole family (including Ben and his girl) sitting at the kitchen table. Yep. it will happen. Years ago when we lived in another state I kept walking into rooms of our house and seeing them empty. 1 month later 9-11 happened, 4 months later (thanks to 9-11) my husbands company closed some plants to consolidate- 4 months later we had to relocate. Sometimes I hate the things I see a head of time.

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks. I dont get my entire family. I was the scapegoat

Example. My father, whom I love simply for loving me the same as my siblings, said the most horrible, abusive, unlovable things to all of us and was never sorry at all, but my siblings still loved and forgave him. Even my mother, who divorced him, was nicer to him than me.

I think I was what is called The Designated Patient of the family. My mom was head honcho of our family and she picked me as the devil. She neefed one.

I had problems, but I tried all my life to make them better. She decided I was unlovable. Being a mother myself, I dont get her. Or my brother and sister who allowed Dads extreme abuse yet still loved him. It was obviously about me (shrug) and it started with my mother. And it wasnt particularly logical.

Two therapists and one psychiatrist that I described Mother and sister to said they are borderline. I think so. Plus sister also has a lifelong eating disorder. I no longer blame myself....it was the family dysfunction.

My mother would have done to Ben what she did to me.....ridicule, disowning, disineritance. Thats who and what she was. She was NOT right.

l

 

[Tired out]

SWOT is what I send your mother. is what I send your sister.
is what I send you!

 

[BusynMember]

Lol Thanks. I am learning that with their own issues they could not do better and am starting to forgive