Exhausted and overwhelmed

[Cindy1104]

No need for apologies, i want to thank everyone for their support in this struggle.
Hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. The hardest part is the guilt I know it's the right thing to do its just so hard. Like I said this had been going on for 13 years I'm just so tired.

 

[Cindy1104]

I feel like I've come to the right place. Everyone has made me feel a lot better. Sometimes you just feel so alone in this struggle. I know I can't make my daughter better and she has to do it on her own. I just recently lost my brother to alcoholism he was only 56 years old its all just so sad to me. I'm afraid I will be burying my daughter if she doesn't change the path she's on. All I need is some peace in my life and from all your responses I have hope for that so thank you for sharing it truly does help.

 

[Albatross]

I'm so sorry about your brother, Cindy. I have a strong history of alcoholism in my family, so I know how awful it is to see your daughter with the same demons in her life.

I think for many of us, finding some peace in our life comes after we have exhausted all other options and have been forced to make an impossible choice. It's like cognitive dissonance on steroids. There are no answers, there is no making sense of it, there is no right or wrong. We can't bargain with it or reason with it or wish it away.

Everything we've done or thought to do as parents no longer works, regardless of how hard we try or how many times we bang our heads against the problem. There is only the addict inside our precious child, and the addict wants to be fed at any cost.

For some of us, once we stopped enabling their addiction, our children were forced to confront the true cost of feeding their addict. They banged *THEIR* heads against the bars for awhile until they finally saw that there was no answer, and THEY chose to find their way out.

For others, our children unfortunately haven't found their way out yet.

For at least one of us, our child unfortunately lost the battle.

But for all of us, once we stopped enabling their addiction, WE felt better. We finally found some peace, by no longer looking for answers where there are none.

It's not an easy thing to do as a parent. It too reminds me of Alice in Wonderland; addiction is a rabbit hole where the things any "good" mother would do for her child only make things worse, and we are caught in the topsy-turvy of it all until we...just stop.

I hope you will reach out for other sources of support, such as Al-Anon, counseling, the books others have recommended, etc. You are not alone, not by a long stretch. I hope you will keep posting. We have a substance abuse area of the forum too, if that suits. Many of the parents on that area face similar issues.

 

[HMBgal]

Thank you so much it does feel better to talk about it with people who understand. I feel alone in the struggle sometimes.

Nope, you are not alone. My 42 year old daughter got arrested for meth possession just last month. She didn't tell me, but I saw the signs and didn't want to believe them. Her mailbox had been locked because she didn't pay her fees so I paid the money, got her mail and opened it. There, along with parking tickets, overdue credit card payment notices, late car insurance notices, was the notice to appear or to be arrested. At this point, if they want to keep her in jail, it's probably not the worst thing. It is a misdemeanor in our state, but it's her third arrest over the last 15 years. I'm not hiring another lawyer, I won't even go to court this time. I'm done.

And I'm raising her two kids, one of whom is the real reason I'm on this board. So, I get the exhaustion, worry, outright fear, anger, etc. I'm not helping my daughter out of this current mess. She's homeless because I stopped paying her rent, and couch-surfing (although she's out of state currently. I know which state, but that's all I know), and will be losing the beautiful car her father (my ex) bought her when he sold his home, cashed out and moved far away--mostly to get away from her. It makes me so sad, but I have two more kids to raise and I have to give them the best childhood I can. And that's without either of their parents.

My parents were both alcoholics and put me in foster care when I was 11. My grandparents lived close by but wouldn't take us in. I can't stop poop from rolling down hill, but I would die before I would let my grandkids be put in foster care. So I can at least block a small amount from rolling down hill. I truly don't know at this point if my daughter will ever recover. Her teeth are shot, I'm sure her brain has been damaged by the large amounts of meth and ecstasy she also took.

So, I take good care of myself because apparently I'm not done with the child-rearing thing yet. And knowing we aren't alone is huge. There are the most amazing people on this board. Big hugs to you, cindy.