Family Reunion From Hell

[Tanya M]

Wow, I don't blame you for feeling betrayed. What a mess.
It's hard enough to deal our D C's without the complication of family. I think everyone had good intentions but just did not truly grasp the reality of the situation.
The grandparents were not naïve, you have been up front with them. It was very kind of them to have your son stay there unfortunately it did not go well.
Jabber's siblings should not have discussed this among themselves, they should have been on the phone with you and Jabber.
Good old hindsight!!
Now you are left with the hurt feelings and broken trust. The really hard part is that it all stems from your son's behavior. Yes, if he would not have had a melt down none of this would have happened but it did and while he is the one who got the ball rolling, he still got hurt. If he were my son's age (33) I would not have any empathy for him but he's still young. For him to now feel that no one in the family cares about him is just so sad.
I think these are the types of things that can make a D C's self esteem really spiral downward. They already struggle with self esteem.
Your son was wrong to behave the way he did and the result was Jabber's parents felt scared and that is unacceptable. I do understand the siblings concern but they really should have discussed this with you and Jabber when it happened, not wait until you were at the family reunion.
Now, you are left with the fallout of your son's meltdown with Jabber's parents and all because they let him stay there. Everyone got hurt, including your son.
I so hope your son can truly see the ripple effect of his actions and I hope that there can be forgiveness all the way around.
((HUGS)) to you both!!

 

[SeekingStrength]

Lil & Jabber,

This is tough and I know you already figured that much out.

Jabber's parents sound so great. They obviously love your son and wanted to be the folks who could help him turn his ship around. My parents tried with my Difficult Child. It went south fast. (This was after he was offered a seemingly wonderful re-entry program - counseling, job help, health insurance, don't get me started). They just knew Difficult Child would so appreciate their help, that he would be slowly, but be miraculously healed. My mom is also uber-religious.

I hate that all this happened within your family. Things will settle down. It will get better. You are in the middle of huge drama, but it won't last. Betting some of the sisters already feel some guilt about this. They just wanted to ensure the safety of the parents. Right then, they had to do SOMETHING. They were not sure what to do; they just felt they had to take some kind of action. And, we can understand that and how panic-driven decisions might have led to some bad calls. The parents were the center of their concerns.

I, too, grew up in a family where all the men had pocket knives. It was a rite of passage. Around 12yo (okay, i grew up as a redneck), the boy got a pocket knife. If you feel yourself in a threatening situation, a fingernail file is scary. So, that makes sense to me, also. Probably, i only noticed the pocket knife part because i get that it is normal.....unless you are scared. Our youngest son told us (years later) that Difficult Child came into his bedroom and pulled out his pocket knife and had the younger son terrified....because Difficult Child was so irrational at that moment.

My Difficult Child has never hit anybody, to my knowledge. But, he sure could/can be scary/mean/difficult to deal with.

I am sending good thoughts your way and trusting each day will get a bit easier. We live through these Difficult Child traumatic events and it seems life has just spiraled out of control and there will never be love and trust again....but we are almost always wrong about that.


SS

 

[Lil]

If he gets his act together, with the love your family has always had, chances are good that everything will resolve, don't you think?

I know your post was directed at Jabber, but this one line I feel I need to respond to.

No. I don't think it will resolve. I don't think my son will ever again feel he has an extended family. It's possible he may straighten up and become a happy, well-adjusted, successful adult that they may feel is a great guy and a credit to the family.

But no matter what they act like toward him in the future, no matter what they say or do - I don't believe HE will ever feel they love him or that he is accepted. Not ever again.

 

[Copabanana]

I am sorry your son feels your family doesn't like him or has betrayed him.

The really hard part is that it all stems from your son's behavior

I hope your son understands that he was the first betrayer. He had no right to frighten Jabber's parents. And he does not seem to show much remorse about it. His concern centers on his feelings and convenience, not others.

Other people may have responded or reacted poorly, but he set the series of events in motion.

He is not the victim here.

 

[BusynMember]

Maybe they will apologize. I hope this isn't true. So sorry for everything....

 

[Copabanana]

I don't believe HE will ever feel they love him or that he is accepted. Not ever again.

Lil, he will take his cue, I think, from you. If you can get over this, I think he will.

 

[InsaneCdn]

But no matter what they act like toward him in the future, no matter what they say or do - I don't believe HE will ever feel they love him or that he is accepted. Not ever again.

Or for a minimum, he will likely never trust them - they have acted nice in the past and things blew up, so it can happen again. Which means, even IF they can all be "in the same room" again and have things go well, in real-life terms, he still doesn't have them as support. Not that they would always turn him down, but that he will not put himself in a position where they could potentially turn him down... which means, HE can't count on them. It's just... sad.

 

[Lil]

I know he is to blame for being kicked out. As I said, it was simply how it was done. Jabber's mother called him. I'll let him describe that conversation.

I also know he's bringing more trouble on himself. At this moment his plans are idiotic. The girl's father would not even allow them to sit on the steps of the trailer they live in, much less come inside. He truly hates my kid apparently and I don't blame him much. I'd feel the same way if some homeless guy showed up on my steps planing to take advantage of my daughter if I had one. But instead of sleeping outdoors as he'd said, the girl has given him money for a taxi and hotel, cutting deeply into the savings for a rental and utilities. He thinks he may get a job at the same McDonald's she works at...that her parents drive her to.

Do they really think that her parents are going to look more favorably on him once he's living with her just because he has a job? That's just insane. I wouldn't be surprised if they refuse to give her a ride too.

I agree wholeheartedly that this has disaster written all over it.

As if the hurt feelings over how the family handled this wasn't enough.

 

[Copabanana]

Lil, this whole family reunion ordeal has really touched a painful chord in me. I feel so hurt and I do not know you or Jabber really and not at all your son.

You know that I am not excusing your son's behavior. That this happened at all is on him. He must control himself and/or the get help and intervention to have the skills to do so.

I am not sure why this triggers me so. I think it is because on both sides of my family, I did not ever feel there was support for me as a child. And that meant there was certainly not support for my son and I together as I parented him alone as a single mother.

I identify with you. You try so hard to do the right thing. You and Jabber are such responsible and ethical people. The last thing you want is that your child inflict pain or discomfort onto others. You did not cause this.

Nor did lack of effective and conscientious parenting cause this. You and Jabber were truly innocents, caught in something where you had no part.

The two sisters tell us that their parents are afraid of him. They'd taken to locking their bedroom door at night. They were nervous and stressed and scared and he had to go.

This is so painful. Of course, he had to go.

As his mother, why were you not involved in the conversation from the get go? Why was any part of this done covertly?

The front desk says someone dropped a bag off for him.

This was not UPS or FEDEX. This is your family. Where is a sense of responsibility here? These are the adults in the room. Everybody now is afraid to talk to him or be alone with him? Do they really feel that Jabber would have foisted somebody dangerous into their parents home?

My son struck M and gave him a black eye. He has called the cops on us multiple times to get us thrown into jail. And M is undocumented. And M wants my son to live with us. Why? Because he takes responsibility to solve problems. Like Jabber.

They didn't sit him down, explain this wasn't working, offer any alternatives, they threw him out like trash - six days after the incident - and basically stranded him 15 miles from where he was supposed to be.

I agree.

I feel, frankly, that despite what I told our son last night, that they would not have treated any one of their children this way...just my son, their brother's "adopted" son.

I am hurt too, Lil.

Even though the original transgression was your son's.

All of this family stuff just suspended for a few days the theater with the girlfriend and her father. How unfortunate.

Try to stay out of it Lil.

I for one am going to buy Codependent No More and 3 workbooks on Dialectical Behavior Therapy to learn Radical Acceptance.

I need to change. This is all too much.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I hope your son understands that he was the first betrayer. He had no right to frighten Jabber's parents.

He doesn't see it that way. He apologized, in his mind it was over. We all know this to not be true but that's how his brain is wired.

Jabber's mother called him. I'll let him describe that conversation.

Wasn't much of a conversation as my mom was in a bad reception area. Basically, she is upset and worried and understands that everyone is upset and worried. She wants to meet with us sometime soon to talk about it. She is trying to get the whole story and do damage control. There plan had been to talk to him this week and tell him he would be leaving on Friday. Didn't get much more than that other than profuse and repeated apologies.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I still think that the main perpetrator here is your son. It was in his power to be respectful for a just a while in your parents home and he didn't do it.

Again, don't disagree at all.

 

[Lil]

I am not sure why this triggers me so.

I need to change. This is all too much.

Oh Copa.

I feel bad that you feel bad. I think I feel bad about most everything right now. You are so sweet and empathetic and I appreciate it so much.

I appreciate each and every one of you so much.

The fact is, his behavior just causes enough hurt for us. I think that was the worst part of this. We really didn't need anyone else hurting us too.

Didn't get much more than that other than profuse and repeated apologies.

Exactly what I was afraid would happen when she found out what they'd done.

Jabber's parents are really wonderful, kind, giving people and they would never, ever have hurt our son or us. Her children were wrong to take this out of her hands. He wanted to go to the town on Friday anyway. They just wouldn't have taken him back. We could have sat down with him and it would have all worked out.

 

[AppleCori]

I am so sorry....

 

[Jabberwockey]

As far as our son forgiving the siblings goes, only time will tell. Peace amongst the siblings will happen eventually, probably sooner rather than later but it will take time.

 

[SuZir]

I understand well why you are upset and can relate. My husband has big, tight knitted family, and Ache isn't hubby's biological child (and there was quite a lot drama surrounding that, we are okay with it with hubby, some in-laws not so much.) That factor complicates things a lot.

To me it sounds that Jabber's sister has an idea on how you should treat your son - and tries to force it on you. I find that quite disrespectful. Yes, your son caused the need to remove him from grandparents' home, but going over your head, basically lying to you, trying to force your hand and blindsiding your son and giving promises not planning to keep and even interfering the motel thing is real rude towards you too.

I also have to agree with IC that, this sort of betrayal from his aunt is not something your son will forget. He may forgive it at some point and they may be civil with each other, but building back the trust is not likely to happen. Even if in some point your son will turn to the most upstanding citizen it only makes sense to keep in mind how people treated you when you were down. Consequences of one's actions, like having to leave grandparenrs' place, is one thing, but setting him up in so dishonest and cruel way is another.

His aunt may think she is teaching him a lesson, or making you to treat him 'the right way' or helping him to hit his 'rock bottom' and her intentions may be most honorable, but how it plays out feels like cruel betrayal; and those are not something anyone would forget.

 

[pasajes4]

The aftermath of dealing with our D C kids is the gift that just keeps giving.

I give you the upmost props for keeping Difficult Child and his issues from spreading through the family for as long as you have. I personally am of the opinion that those I love should share in the joy of Difficult Child and his charming antics. That way they can show me just where I went "wrong" in raising him.

Yes, Difficult Child is at fault. You were up front about his behaviors. The way it was handled was hurtful and a tad underhanded.

Families are just the best thing ever. Mine have been so supportive and loving toward my child. I just get all warm and fuzzy thinking about it......she said with tongue in cheek.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I give you the upmost props for keeping Difficult Child and his issues from spreading through the family for as long as you have. I personally am of the opinion that those I love should share in the joy of Difficult Child and his charming antics. That way they can show me just where I went "wrong" in raising him.

LOL! Funny! Thanks but if we lived closer it would have come to this a while ago. We live just far enough from the grands that going to visit requires at least a half a day commitment and all but one of the sibs are further away than that and that sib lives in the same town as the grands.

 

[Jabberwockey]

To me it sounds that Jabber's sister has an idea on how you should treat your son - and tries to force it on you. I find that quite disrespectful.

That's pretty much the problem in a nut shell. The sister who did this is also the one who dealt with two sons on drugs. She has an idea of what we are going through but she doesn't know the specifics. In other words, she has just enough knowledge about the situation to be dangerous. Problem is, its the specifics that make our situation so different than what hers was. I know she meant well but she doesn't really know our son. Even when hers were on drugs, they knew better than to come to a family function stoned and being mouthy. If they had, they would have been checked hard and fast. Because of this they kept themselves in check and never really got mouthy with the rest of the family even though they were around them quite a bit. Our son simply hasn't been around them much or they would know. My fault really, but woulda, coulda, shoulda.

 

[pasajes4]

My fault really, but woulda, coulda, shoulda.

Nope. We are only in control of us. The fault belongs squarely on all of the actors in this event. You did your part. You told them what was what.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Nope. We are only in control of us. The fault belongs squarely on all of the actors in this event. You did your part. You told them what was what.

I meant that it was my fault we didn't have our son around the family more. I'm a firm believer in everyone being responsible for their own actions. Part of the reason so much on social media bothers me. One idiot shoots up a theater and all gun owners are potential psychotic killers. One person gets drunk then drives and gets into an accident and kills someone, then everyone who drinks alcohol is an alcoholic and needs to go to detox. A person with a tattoo robs a convenience store and all people with tattoo's are violent thugs. All blacks are, all cops are, all immigrants are, well, you get the picture and I will step off of the soap box now.

Wait! It was being on the soap box that caused my rant so all soap boxes are bad!!

Sorry, tired and a bit snarky this morning.