Hi and welcome! I found this site a few months ago while googling 'son anxiety alcoholic' or something like that. My son will be 24 later this year. It's been a long haul with him. He was completely normal as a child, no issues, gifted classes/straight A's, IQ around 125. Problems began in middle school, started with weed.
Long story short, the middle and high school years got more tumultuous for him, and us. He barely graduated due to truancy and weed stole his motivation, grades went down down down. Started abusing Xanax.
The drugs have completely hidden my son's 'real' personality. We don't even know what that is anymore. What I do know, is that he exhibits the traits of a drug user. Selfishness, anxiety, manipulation, anger, impulsivity, lack of judgement...I could go on. He has trouble holding jobs, likely due to being high, I'm not sure. He is a very HARD worker when he has a job. BUT, he tends to be chronically late to jobs (striding in to work 20 minutes late, like it's nothing), clashes with co-workers (he has a superiority complex, thinks he knows more than everybody-everyone is 'dumbed down'..compared to him), he also is usually 'high' when he is working and weed tends to make him paranoid, socially. Soooo, he hyper-monitors things ppl say to him and then fixates on it...which then makes him think he has social anxiety. I don't think he has social anxiety per se', I think the 'anxiety' is from the weed. But, who knows? It's like what came 1st, the chicken or the egg? He had NO issues socially when younger, he was the class clown cutie who would get into trouble on occasion for talking too much in class. No social issues until late teens! Hmmm, drug-related? Likely.
The lovely result that occurs when he does get fired, which inevitably happens when you know, you traipse in to work every day, late...is that he then goes on these 1 or 2 wk long drinking/drug binges. It's his way of coping with the firing. Not healthy.
He was kicked out of his grammy's house last August and has been sort of floating around since then. Spent some time in hotels, which I helped with, a few nights in his car...couch surfed at friends' homes and finally found a room to rent which is where he's been since late November.
I could never let him come up here and stay with us. He is quite difficult to be around due to his superiority complex and the various different effects of whatever drug he's currently on or whatever type of alcohol he drinks. Whiskey makes him CRAZY. I, as his mother, get the BRUNT of all his angst.
This is very hard. I totally get where you are and what you're feeling. We love our Difficult Child's, but we cannot take their behavior. Especially when they are disruptive to peaceful homes. I have 2 younger kids who are delightfully sweet and very obedient. I could never subject them to his random hostility, disrespectful talk, and drunken outbursts. I SO wish it were different. We look at our Difficult Child's and ponder how things could be so different for them. My son, for example, could've been a great lawyer. That is just his personality. It hurts. A lot. But, thinking that way is futile. It is what it is. We have to let them fall down over and over again, or they will NEVER LEARN. This means detaching. Detaching from their drama. The women on here have been SO helpful to me. OMG. In just the few months that I've been reading on here and occasionally posting, I have made great strides in regards to my reactions to son and being able to detach more effectively. I stopped putting random $ in his account when he'd call me and say he 'needed gas or food'. I realized, by looking at his account transactions, that he was then using that $ to make purchases at liquor stores and/or local bars! That hurt, to see that. He was never a thief. I can honestly say that in all the years that he was smoking weed etc, he never ever stole $ from my wallet or took one thing from our home. Now, he's asking me for gas $ and buying etoh with it.
Immediately, I stopped the $ flow. This forum, these women helped me with that.
The only reason that I gave some details about my son, is because I know that it can help to read others posts and maybe see some familiar signs or things that your Difficult Child does that others Difficult Child's do, too. I know this helps me, atleast.
What I do do, is pray pray pray for him. Last week, he took a HUGE positive step and I am so praying that he remains strong and sticks with it. But, I don't hold my breath. It's literally one hour at the time with him....
Maybe you could find a local Al-Anon meeting? Immensely helpful! Hugs to you and your wife. Please put her 1st at this time. Take her out for a nice dinner tonight.
And, keep coming back here.
