feeling desperate

[Childofmine]

I just want to give you some additional support for what you did yesterday. It is very hard to do, and then often, once we do it, we regret it and we get scared.

I see from your post that he has a car. Worst case, he can sleep in his car. My son was homeless without a car for a long long time.

There is a lot of help for homeless people. If it gets to that point with him, it will be hard on you so you may want to find out what is available so you don't drive yourself crazy with worry.

Please know this: You are giving him and his life a chance for real change here.

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

And our DCs will ride our train as long as we will let them. Every single one of them.

Distance helps.

Distance does help and separation helps and what isn't in front of your eyes is a good thing. There is usually a great deal we don't know and will never know...and you know what? We don't need to know.

Hang in there when you start worrying and feeling guilty. We so understand. Our DCs are resilient and they are survivors.

Keep us posted on you. Enjoy your new peace.

 

[youngfool]

Thank you all for your response it's comforting to know someone else has been there my feeling of guilt stated to get a little bit much started to question my self if I did the right thing I would imagine that is normal after all we love our Difficult Child but the feeling in the house has changed instantly step mom seems more upset than me was asking again if we could let him back in till end of month I said no it was done not gonna go through that again so last night he text step mom funny the person he could not stand a month ago he now reaches out to anyway he tells her he found a place not to far from where we live and could she help him bandage his foot that was hurt on Friday this just goes to show can happen when things change in in 2 days we went from everyone in the house feeling trapped a really bad show down between dad and son he slept in his car one night then I guess he decided that sucks and found a place to live the next day wow by no means do I believe this is close to over but what seemed like no way out a month ago has at least changed for the better and it was all due to a change in me no one else if nothing changes nothing changes sounds easy but true we can only change ourselves and that is very hard but easier. Than trying to change Difficult Child don't know what tomorrow will bring but I think I know how I will react thank you all for your support and advise I will keep posting and reading you guys are the best

 

[Childofmine]

Women especially have a hard time with kicking our DCs with no plan in place. Mothers and sons are the toughest combination and it sounds like his stepmom has a tender heart. Of course that is a great quality but often is not helpful as we try to change the course of things for the better. Women especially have a hard time unhooking our emotions from the situation. We have to become less emotional and most importantly...change our thinking...rein in our emotions and stop reacting to our DCs. It is really hard to do because it goes against our own basic and real instincts and it goes against culture.

Please also know this: you can always change your mind as situations change. Take it as it comes and one day at a time. As things happen, work as best you can to wait...take some time...give him a chance to find his own solutions...that is a pathway toward him becoming more self sufficient over time. Let him make his own decisions no matter how much you don't like them. Also stop the flow of money to him.

Again these things are very hard to do and he will go after the softer person which is exactly what he is doing my contacting your wife. This is very typical.

You have taken a very big step here so work hard to let it play out. This is the first giant step for change.

 

[Kalahou]

Youngfool, This is good news.
I have been following along, and wanted to add my support to your strong stand and resolve in taking this necessary major step for both you and your son to move forward with your lives. You did right and you did good. Your posting is an inspiration and has help to reinforce my own understanding re: need for continued detachment.

I know what you mean in describing what you felt -- that the relief was almost instantaneous, even though their are still uneasy times ahead. Re-read the article on detachment at the top of this forum as a reminder to stay committed to the good path you have started.

Keep posting and visiting here. Just reading others' stories with all the wisdom and guidance shared here keeps us strong, and encouraged, knowing we are not alone and that others understand. The folks here have been there, done that ... and know none of it is easy. We are all at different stages, trying to find our way, learning and growing, day by day.

Kudos to you, YF. This step is a victory. You and your son are going to be alright! Take care.

 

[Copabanana]

if nothing changes nothing changes

Really, I think this is true. Our kids need us to act.

 

[New Leaf]

Hey YF, so glad that things are working out for you and your son. It is wonderful that he has his own place to stay, and you no longer feel like a prisoner in your home.

I was going through your thread and was intrigued by the difference in a few weeks with your lovely wife.

my wife not his mom is on the verge of leaving

So here, stepmom was ready to leave with son there.......

step mom was breaking down and was asking for him to please stay till end of month

.......... and here she wanted him to stay till the months end.

so last night he text step mom funny the person he could not stand a month ago he now reaches out to

This is what some of us have gone through. It is called triangulation. Our d cs will figure out who is the most likely to give in to their pleas, and focus on manipulating that person. It is so interesting that it turned out to be step-mom, who was fed up with the whole situation.
In my case it is my hubs that caves, I am the "enforcer".
So, my two are more likely to talk with their dad, and keep me at bay.

Good job in having your son cross that threshold to being responsible for his choices and life.

I hope you keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

leafy

 

[youngfool]

In deed it's ironic but not compleatly surprised buy his behaver he is a master manipulator and it's no surprise he sniffed out the weak link but I'm not worried my wife can be so good hearted but she can quickly reach a point when she knows she's being played and will back up and stay there right now I feel like we're playing good cop bad cop it's quite different from the way it would turn out normally never been on this side of field I must say I like it but I guess I'm enjoying the moment it's been so long to feel like this I still can't belive this has happened waiting for other shoe to drop I've learned to enjoy it while you can because it will not last it's called life

 

[AppleCori]

Hey YF,

I am so glad that you stood your ground and made your son leave.

He respects you more, now that you will no longer let him manipulate and control your home.

I am glad your son text his step-mom, whatever the reason. She probably was feeling badly about the situation. With the text, he has let her know that he doesn't blame her or hold it against her. I think this is important for her, as a step-mom. It is hard to be in the middle of a situation between your husband and his children.

My step-son, who is doing somewhat better now, recently told his dad that he was justified in kicking him out, and he would have done the same thing. I hope that someday you will hear that from your son.

Stay with us, YF. We are glad you have found us.

Apple

 

[New Leaf]

I am glad your son text his step-mom, whatever the reason. She probably was feeling badly about the situation. With the text, he has let her know that he doesn't blame her or hold it against her. I think this is important for her, as a step-mom. It is hard to be in the middle of a situation between your husband and his children.

I like this way of looking at it Apple, thank you!

 

[youngfool]

Just feeling guilty today I feel like I will always be thinking about this and it will never end I know it's only been 4 days he is ok probably not very worried about me hope this gets easier with timei know some of you have much worse situations but I feel what I feel anyway here I go forward on my journey

 

[Lil]

We literally handed our son a suitcase and told him to pack. He left without a car or a phone that got internet and had to use my computer to message a friend come pick him up. Three days later, we picked him up and dropped him off at the local homeless shelter. He was 19. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

You will feel better. It takes time, but you will feel better.

 

[BusynMember]

YF, my daughter DID quit and has told me she may not have if we hadn't made her leave. Although she wasn't homeless, she was in a very uncpmfortable situation in a different state. Often, once they are clean, they see the world in a less distorted way. They realize it hurt us so much to make them leave, but that we did it.out of love.

Hang in there.

 

[Copabanana]

Just feeling guilty today

The thing is, YF is that our feelings are not what count, but other more important things, you pick. The morality and the maturation of your child. The well-being of your family. Your own sense of yourself as having done the right thing for all. While we can all be forgiven for letting our feelings drive our situations, is this what we want, really?

 

[youngfool]

Thank you all for your support I guess that is why I'm here so glad I found this site I guess I'm feeling sad and just wanted to vent your response has been wonderful copa I'm so impressed with your way of thinking you have a way of expressing your self that is very on target thank you for your time all of you have had a influence on me and I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to reply it means a lot to me

 

[Copabanana]

thank you

Youngfool, to the extent that this site works it is because of the many similarities we share. Not just with our kids, how they treat us, but in how we suffer, feeling lost, guilty, afraid, fill in the blanks.

Which is how we as parents help each other. Few of us have not felt as you do. Every pathetic and ugly feeling. That is why I try to tell the truth about myself. Even when realistically I know that somebody will tell me I am wrong, should evolve and do it better.

I know how hard this is. I know how much I backslide. I know how ugly my heart can feel, and my mouth can get.

It is not that I feel proud of myself, or am defending myself, or am insisting that any of this ugliness or weakness is in any way good for me or for my child.

What I am trying to do is first, own myself and what I am...so that I can change. And second, and as important, I know that others are not a little bit similar.

I believe that by sharing I diffuse my own shame and guilt somewhat. Which is the whole point. Because by doing so, I come to accept myself. Not the bad behavior, but my understanding of my own story--so that I can change it.

Nothing was ever changed but by degrees, a mother here on this site often quotes. I risk rejection so that I accept myself. Not the person in all of her frailties, but so that I can know them and own them and move on. That is what you are doing, too, I think.

 

[youngfool]

Hi all thank you for your thoughts so here's the update I had a birthday this weekend turned 55 it's been 2 weeks since d c has been gone the first week was difficult guilt anger remorse but your thoughts and advice really helped a lot the wife and I went camping and it was a great trip much needed alone time for us we really reconnected at one point I almost cancelled the trip thinking not Gona have fun but we did. The Next week became eaiser found out d c was doing ok and being detached was helpful he is working and seems to be moving on but no contact and I guess that was expected even nessasary i started my cycling again had not been on my regular rides in quite awhile this week idid 120 miles including a 68 mile ride on my birthday that felt so good man I'm old never thought I would get up at 6 in the morning and go for a 68 mile ride on my birthday on my day off but what a stress reliever. I'm sad I got no text or call from my son on birthday I guess I knew that would happen but I was hoping other wise much too soon my wife made my weekend wonderful and she is so great anyway I guess this is the journey moments of peace then moments wishing it were different I want to thank all of you who have taken the time to answer and give advice or just listen and not judge I am following you guys I'm here would like you to I'm thinking of you especially pony girl my thoughts and prayers are with you actually I think of all the ones who have responded to my story we all have a different story yet the same thanks again to all I'll update again I'm know this is just the beginning but knowing I have you guy's to talk to is so comforting bye for now

 

[Copabanana]

Happy birthday Youngfool.

 

[youngfool]

Checking in with all of you feeling sad today but have been good these days but I always feel like I'm waiting for the dreaded phone call not much has changed except my ex wife seems fed up with d c and sounds like I felt a few mo ago so reaching out for a little support have not spoken to son in 3 mo and plan to keep it that way till something changes and it seems that at best it's going to be a long time I'm sad but resolute in my stance I will not go back to the same thing anyway just ranting and looking for a little support

 

[Childofmine]

Youngfool, it's good to hear from you. I know what you have done was and still is very hard to do...and then to live with. Especially if you don't see him changing.

Please know that most of us have been right where you are. Even after I started changing and setting boundaries with my son, it was a very long time until he started to change...a couple of years, actually. My change progressed as I worked on myself during this time...but he kept on being homeless and getting arrested for various drug-related charges.

You would think our stopping the flow of help and money would force a big change, but once again, we are shown that we aren't in control here. They will do what they will do...until THEY decide to stop. Wild horses can't make them stop until THEY make the choice.

In the meantime...what do we do? We have to work on ourselves and continue to work at letting go of them---not cutting off all contact or being mean or abandoning them---but letting go in a healthy loving way.

If he calls or contacts you, I hope you can express your love and concern for him and your hopes and prayers for him. That is really all we need to do with grown adults.

I know your heart is hurting, and it's hard to live with no contact with our children who we love so much. I believe that you have done the highest and best thing for your son, and that is allowing him to get out there and figure out how to live with his own choices and his own decisions...and the natural outcome and consequences of those choices and decisions.

We're here for you.