76, what tools are you using to help YOU? You are posting and reading this site---great for a first step. Are you reading books like Boundaries and Codependent no more? I would recommend ordering several alanon books like Courage to Change and One Day at a Time---both are wonderful daily devotionals. Use them every day. Go online for alanon meetings if there are none in your area. Get more rest, exercise, meditate, pray, work in the yard.
In order to get better and free yourself from the disease of codependency, enabling---to learn to detach with love---and to accept reality as it is.
Your son's situation sounds complicated and I can understand how hard it is to decide what to do or not to do.
But at some point that is not the issue at hand. The issue is your own mental and physical health.
You can't help anyone unless you first take care of yourself.
Start on a new path of putting yourself first. Start today. What you have tried in the past has not solved your son's many problems. it is time for a new focus and that focus must be on you.
Assemble your toolbox and spend time every day using your tools. Schedule this new practice into your day. Make it a priority above all else.
You will start feeling better soon if you will do this, regardless of what he does or does not do.
Regarding the attorney, why can't he get a public defender? Step away from this if you can. Your son is 36? 38?
Time for a sea change. Warm hugs.
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