He is mentally ill and therefore his brain does not work the same as many people. Should I let him have the consequences of his actions if he has an illness? Is a mental illness so different than someone with Parkinson's or diabetes? Can he really control his thoughts? Sometimes I feel that I am turning my back on my sick child. I do not think that he should be able to do things against the law with no consequences hence the prison time. But I have a very hard time not giving him money when he loses a job, and has no place to live and nothing to eat. I am now retired and have some money but am not sure how long we (husband-father) will live so am worried about running out. Is saying he made his choices now he has to live with them a way out for my husband and I? I am definitely in a FOG-thoughts
Overcome Mom. When I read your posts I am reminded how much we have in common with our sons. My son I adopted too. He was drug exposed. He had ADHD as a child and was special education. He is mentally ill, and self-diagnosed as bipolar which I doubt. He has used marijuana heavily but says now he is cutting back. I don't know if your son does.
The update I want to write on this thread is this: I posted on this thread in August of last year, right after I threw my son out of a property I own, and when he was squatting in the yard, (or came to my house) I called the police repeatedly to eject him.
My viewpoint back in August was very black and white. As I read my posts, I was harsh. For maybe 6 weeks, I felt strong and firm, that I needed my son AWAY. Soon after he left my home he went homeless to an area a couple hours from us, a large metro. For 8 months he slept in his friend's pickup truck.
Then I became disconsolate. I could not bear to be out of touch with him. I could not sleep. I was in agony. Anxious and sad.
I write this because I want you to know that I commented on your thread in another kind of fog, kind of like sleep-walking.
All of the questions you ask about competency, and our expectations and their need for extra support, etc. are valid and difficult. They are not so easily addressed by kicking them out. I was at my wits end. I had been traumatized. I shut down. This is hardly a reasonable or responsible way to approach parenthood, but I could do no better at that time. I am stronger now.
So. I am finally to my point. There are services for mentally ill young people. For example, your son is still young enough for Job Corps, the federally funded jobs program that is free, provides housing, board, support, and has excellent trainings. He can apply for Vocational Rehabilitation benefits, and get free trainings through them. There are all kinds of sheltered workshops kinds of situations that our sons can do. Mentally ill people go to college.
I believe that lowering our expectations too much is wrong too. Developmentally disabled people work. People with chronic illness work. They obey laws. They keep their houses clean and they are well-dressed. They live within the law.
As far as giving money when he loses his job. If he cannot hold a job he can apply for SSI. I know they do not accept people the first try, usually, but they sometimes do. I think I read on one of your posts that you admire your son because he keeps getting jobs. Is there a way that when he is working that he could learn to set aside part of his earnings for a rainy day fund?
I don't know if your son has a driver's license. Nor do I know where he lives and what is his living arrangement when he is out of jail. Nor, am I clear about his relationship situation with his wife. All of these factors affect what would be his options for housing, and their cost, so I can't comment. But I do know that when money is gone, it is gone. And when we're old, it's hard to recoup.
In my town there are sober living houses. I don't know if they have them for couples or not. But for people without money, through the rescue mission, room and board in sober living homes are free. The only requirement is to do volunteer work. I loved the people I met at the sober living home when my son was there. There are a number of programs in my town, that house, train and counsel vulnerable adults. You do not have to impoverish yourself. I do not have to put up with my son's abuse and hostility. There are options.
Your son (like mine) is cycling. He is repeating the same mistakes every single time, because he keeps doing the same thing. Most of us are like this. We stop doing this sometimes, because we have consequences. Eventually, we learn(most of us) to not do what hurts us.
The young men on this forum who have turned their lives around, have done so, most of them, because they have chosen to participate in faith-based programs where their environments are completely turned around. This is not the only way to change, but it sure seems to work. I go to a 12 step program. The members are encouraged to attend 90 meetings in the first 90 days. I have seen significant change, (and I have experienced it, too) by this commitment. Your son could do this. I go to meetings, and I do not have a substance problem. I go because I want to change myself and my life. There is no reason that our sons could not do this too.
In close, I have to make clear that my son is back to my town and back living in the other house I own. Except we won't give him a key. It is day by day. At the end of the day, I have to stay in the game. There may be a chance, that my son is on the cusp of turning things around some. But I am afraid to go out on a limb to say. I'll let you know.
All of the best.