feels like I’m watching son slide off a cliff

[Enmeshedmom]

So it has been about 3 weeks since my son lost his job and he is not doing much to look for a new one. Instead he is hanging with friends getting stoned, I have noticed the last 6 months or so that his pot use has increased and of course his motivation has all but disappeared. He dropped two of his classes which means he only has one left that he is taking.
Because face to face communication always ends up in yelling and screaming with him yesterday I decided to text him after he was supposed to be going to a job interview but said the times were confused and he had to reschedule. Then he texted to say he was going to hang out with friends. I told him that he is not holding up his end of the bargain, he is supposed to be working to live at home and he is spending most of his time “hanging out” and no time job hunting. Well he tried to say that he is making all this effort that I don’t about which is bs. I reminded him that it is not my responsibility to put a roof over his head any longer and that we are doing it to help him prepare to stand on his own two feet. Told me he is doing the best he can and I should chill out. So I told him I will “chill out” when he starts holding up to his end of the bargain because I’m done playing games. He has money in the bank from his tax return which I’m pretty sure he is blowing right threw so he is in no hurry. I don’t care if he had $10,000 in the bank he still needs to working. Tonight I’m going to two al anon meetings, I need it.

 

[Triedntrue]

So sorry for your troubles.

 

[BusynMember]

I really give you kudos for going to Also Anon. As much as we wish we can, and I get it. We can't control anyone but us and I commend you for taking this often hard step to help yourself.

 

[New Leaf]

Your post reminds me so much of my eldest daughter at that age. She was hell bent on partying, disrespectful, unmotivated. Stayed out all night, slept till 10:00, just thought she could do whatever she pleased. It was frustrating and totally disrupted the peace in our home.
That was 20 years ago.
I had two of her younger siblings to raise and was not going to put up with it anymore, so out she went. She ended up living with friends, couch surfed.
It was hard watching her drift along. Of course, in her eyes everything was “my fault”.
I often ponder on that time and wonder if I would do the same now.
In a heartbeat.
When kids grow up and fail to launch, abusing the privilege of living in our homes, what can we do? It seemed like a standoff. Like she was goading me with her actions and attitude to give her the boot.
I think it was Cedar who wrote that when we bend every which way to house and try to help our grown kids, it is as if we have clipped their wings. They were meant to grow and stand on their own. We are telling them they are not capable. They are, if they choose to be. Maybe that’s what all the disrespect is about. They become resentful. They are going to do exactly what they want to do.
I think of my parents who inculcated from a young age that once we were 18, we would have to find our own way. We could stay at home if we went to college. None of us wanted to stay home. Most of my friends were the same.
What is different now? Rents are expensive, there is so much out there for a “flailing” young adult to get messed up with. We are fearful, I think. Rightly so.
You are in a hard spot EM, I am sorry for your troubles. I am glad you are going to Al Anon, it is helpful to be able to vent and get feedback, find ways to sort through all of this.
One true thing, we cannot control another human being, even our beloveds. They are going to live as they choose. I wish there was a remote control where we could push the “responsible” button. Sigh. That would be awesome. A “wake up and smell the coffee” or a “respectful” button would be great. Or even a “remember all we taught you” button.
Those attributes are all there somewhere locked inside.
I know that having a disruptive, partying, hanging with friends, 18 or 19 year old living at home is so heart wrenching and difficult. The thing is, if they continue as is and refuse to tow the line, by having them live at home, we make it easier for them to continue as is. We are taking care of their basic needs and they don’t have to even think of that. More money left over for them to party.
Just thoughts early in the morning. I know it’s hard EM. You will figure out a way through this. We all must do what we are comfortable with.
Many hugs to you.
Be kind to yourself, you matter. I know how it feels to be the “bad” guy. The one frustrated, worried and pushing for change. It is hard.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Enmeshedmom]

Well he got a job, It’s pizza delivery but it’s a job. His classes end next month and he decided he is not going to enroll for next semester. Oh well, I guess we will see how this chapter goes. One day at a time

 

[Triedntrue]

Hope it works out

 

[Enmeshedmom]

Hope it works out

Thanks, me too. Life will go on if it doesn’t I suppose.