First Time Posting: Kicked son out and I just don't think I can handle this!

[Nomad]

I agree...going to something like Al Anon or Families Anonymous is likely to be of great benefit to you. I have a friend who went regularly and it made a huge difference for her. We only went to a few meetings of FA and found it to be very helpful...even though substance abuse was not a big problem in our particular case. We still found the information very useful and helpful.

The other day I heard someone say that sometimes moms who are stuck trying to help their adult kids are like farmers trying to grow vegetables in a the desert. Best to accept that you can't fix this situation. Hopefully, your adult child will make a personal decision that he needs help, stop blaming others, get the help he needs, be responsible and appropriate and move forward. YOu've done what you can, you simply can't do what's impossible. The ball needs to be in his court.

 

[DammitJanet]

Hi, Im sorry I havent welcomed you to our little corner of the universe but I am out of town. I am sorry you have to meet us under such circumstances but we are a great group of people with a wealth of experience (if I do say so myself!).

As you have read, many of us have had to go through experiences similar to yours. I know its not easy but 28 is no longer a young adult child. He is a full grown man now who can figure all this out. I know it hurts a moms heart to think of our kids out there in the cold but as you have seen, he has found the art of couch surfing. Most do. When that gets old, he will learn other ways to survive. When nothing else works, necessity is mother of invention...isnt that the quote? At 28 he could have already served 10 years in the military by now! That is 2 and a half enlistments. He would be half way to retirement! When you think about his age now, it doesnt seem so young does it?

I do understand about being in the sandwich generation too. We took care of my mom when she had alzheimers. It was very hard on all of us. My boys were from mid teens to early 20's. It was very hard. I lost my job, my kids all had to pitch in, and she went down hill fast. It is hard to do anything when you are taking care of a parent.

I do think you are doing the right thing with just not giving him any support other than emotional support. If he asks for help, we have a list in the archives with pat answers that you can keep handy to use if he calls. Things like..."well you are a smart young man and I am sure you will figure it out." Or "Hmmm, I will have to get back to you later, the cake is burning in the oven."

Lots of times with my son if he asks me something and I am not sure if I want to do it or not...my first response is NO. If I change my mind I can always go back and decide to do it. If I say yes, changing it to no is harder. Or of course you can always say your cell phone is dying. Or the signal is weak and you cant hear them...its breaking up. wha..ca..he..d.u ...cl cl.cl and then hang up.

 

[rejectedmom]

Hello and welcome. I am so sorry for your situation I am another who has been there done that with a difficult child.

Your son's alcholism is not your fault. We spoke to our children candidly about genetics and alcholism. The commercials say if you speak to them it won't happen...the commercials lie. Genetics play a huge part in addictions.

I strongly suggest you go to an alanon meeting and/or a Coda (co-dependants anonomus) There you will learn how to change your enabling manner and also how to give up the guilt that makes you do it. In addition there are support groups for caregivers for alsheimer's patients. My father in law has this and we had to make the hard decision to put him in a facility because he could not be handled at home. We were fortunate in that he had enough money to cover it and we didn't have to use up ours. That said the trauma of loosing a parent so very slowly and angonizingly does put enormous strain on the child. It helps to find people who are in the same situation. These are things that you can do for yourself that might help you cope better.

In addition I am going to suggest is this. You must understand that you have value too. Not just as a caregiver, wife, and mother etc. but as an indivitual with emotions and needs of your own. If you do not take care of your own needs, eventually you won't be able to take care of anyone elses. You will become so depleated you'll become physically ill. So, identify what you need and find a way to get it. Do not fill your respice time running errands. Take a few hours per week for yourself. Take a class, read a book, join a book club or a gardening club. Learn to knit, whatever you like.

Above all remember to see the small joys in your life and take the time to appreciate them. A beautiful sunset, a pretty bird. silly squirrels etc. All these are gifts that we too often overlook when we are stressed but which can actually relieve our stress (to some degree) if we take the time to acknowledge them.

Detachment and moving foward with our lives is a process. Be gentle with yourself and come here when you need support. -RM

 

[dollphyn]

I would love to give everyone here a big hug and a big thank you. I appreciate all the advice so much.

My phone rang a total of 6 times yesterday all within about an hour of each other from the same number. I did not recognize the number so I decided to let it go to my voice mail...well I had to go get my mom's supper started and while I was in the kitchen I thought "I wonder who that was"..so I checked and there was a voice message left from my son. He said, very nicely I might add, "mom - it's me..I need to run by there real quick, get the rest of my clothes and my cd's...I'll be there in a little bit"...my husband had left a couple of hours earlier to go to work, which is about 15 min up the street..I texted him to let him know, he called me back and told me if there were any problems be sure and call him. Well, the doorbell rang, I opened the door, there stood my son I have not seen in over 3 weeks, I wanted to hug him so bad, but I didn't..I said come on in and get your stuff...he said how you doing mom...he went to his room...NOW, after he was kicked out, I went up to wal-mart and got some extra large containers to put the rest of his clothes in..had everything all nicely put away and stacked in the closet...ANYWAY, he went to his room and I could hear him rustling around in his closet getting into the containers and such..then he came out of his room and he said to me in a very demanding voice "WHERE ARE MY CD'S MOM? DID YOU THROW THEM AWAY, HUH MOTHER? DID YOU?" I then thought, "oh lord, here we go"...I said "why in the world would I throw them away..I did not throw anything away, they are in the boxes somewhere"...so he then proceeded to just throw a rant and a rave throwing stuff everywhere, cussing, hollering because he could not find these particular cd's...He said "they were in the car"..which he was referring to the car that we were going to let him have until he started coming home in it drunk...it was also the car my husband had taken to work that day...I called my husband and told him that son was getting out of control and I was becoming worried...he said he would be here in a minute he was going to leave work..meanwhile son called me a lying F'ing B(*%h!...his dad gets here..goes to son's room where son is..calmly asks him to get what he wants so he does not need to come back..son tells his dad he wants his cd's he can't find them and they were limited edition, blah blah blah...he says they were in the car..husband ask me if I got them out of the car..NOW, I have so much going on in my life I cannot remember my name sometimes..so I said I do not really remember, I thought I did, but maybe not..so we go out to the car to look, and low and behold there they were...my husbnad nicely says toson.."there they are, get them and go"..son leaves in this car I have never seen before....I don't know if it's the person he's staying with or what. BUT as he was getting in the car I heard him call my husband a Fat F*&#%r.

This incident has reinforced what we have done is the right thing for us to do. It is a horrible thing to love someone so much and to be afraid of them.

I hate it but I am beginning to think I do not ever want to see him again. And then the guilt for feeling like that sets in. I guess you just can't win for losing.

 

[toughlovin]

Just reinforces that they will be all sweet and nice as a manipulation tactic to get what they want.... you definitely did the right thing by kicking him out.... and until he gets help for his alcoholism there is not much you can do. It is ok to feel the way you do.... no need to feel guilty for feelings. He was very hurtful and so of course your reaction is you want nothing to do with him..... your feelings of love will come back but it may take awhile and that is ok. Truth is sometimes we love them because they are our kids but we sure don't like them much as people. I sure have felt that way a lot about my son. Hugs... i hope you and your husband can do something fun together this weekend.

TL

 

[Signorina]

Oh dollphyn, you deserve so much better. I am so sorry. I am still at the beginning stages of dealing with this too so I can't offer learned advice. I did order and read Dr. Joshua Coleman's book "When Parents Hurt" and it helped me a bit. (It's available on Amazon)

I am so sorry- please change your locks if you havent all ready. I know a part of you must have been so happy to see him initially and I am so sorry it ended so horribly.

 

[buddy]

So sorry dollphyn, no matter his mental state it still hurts to hear that and signorina is right, you and husband deserve better. I'm sending soft hugs and kind thoughts your way.

 

[beachbeanb]

We are thinking about u dollphyn....I like ur efforts to carve out some joy for yourself every day. I know that is is hard. It seems easier just to roll around in it but I know that is not what we want for ourselves and our lives. Maybe we should start another category on this board on ways we can do this....because I struggle! Hang in there .... My prayers are with u!