frustrated mom of defiant teen daughter

[dlclark]

I am so drained..
I have a beautiful teenage daughter that just turned 18.
For the past 4 years she has been a constant source of disruption in the home.
horrible attitude, no motivation, skips school, might not even graduate just doesn't seem to care.
constantly lies, has stolen our atm card, bad language, won't follow rules, now that she is 18, whenever we place a rule she say's "I'll leave" she also says when she does leave she never wants to speak or see her father and I again, she will only keep contact with our other 14 year old teenage daughter and she and I butt heads like you can't believe.
it's like she has no sence of what the real world is like she shows a great deal of entitlement
My husband tries to keep the peace. however, he is much firmer than I am.
When I look back, how did I let her walk all over me.
Now that she is 18 parenting her seems too late.
I don't want to make the same mistakes with the 14 year old but, she already talks back and to make matters worse she is ADHD which brings it's on set of issues, with organization, focusing and staying on task (She takes Vyvance medication)
seems like we have to tell her something way too many times.

I am at my breaking point.
I don't know what's holding me together, maybe the Lexapro

 

[Suz]

Welcome to the family. Your story mirrors many of ours so you have found the right place.

One thing I always suggest to newcomers is that you make a signature. Here is the link to how to do it:

http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8399

There are so many of us that signatures really help us keep each other's stories straight and you don't have to repeat yourself as often.

Read our stories on this forum. Read our archives. There is a wealth of knowledge and experience here...and a ton of empathy and caring.

Suz

 

[BusynMember]

I assume she is using drugs of some sort? (And if you know she's using pot, she is probably using more because pot doesn't make anyone aggressive and obnoxious).
My daughter abused ADHD drugs. She put them into a pillcrusher and snorted them with her friends (who also used ADHD drugs). They added coke sometimes and other things. It was so much fun...not! My daughter got very defiant overnight...usually a sign in teens of drug abuse, especially if she is also messing up in school and hanging with a bad crowd.
At eighteen, I'd let her move out if she doesn't want to follow the rules. I wouldn't help her though. And I guarantee you she'll be back...if for money if nothing else.
Whatever she's up to, fourteen year old probably knows what it is, but I don't know if she'll tell you. Something's up, in my opinion more than just ADHD.
As for your younger daughter, if she doesn't want to listen, I'd take her cell phone, computer access, all her electronics until she decides to be respectful and follow the rules. No money. Nothing. Life can be boring for a defiant teen.

 

[dlclark]

Actually she had her first female doctors visit a month ago, and with blood work and a urine culture, no drugs at all.
We tested her about a year ago as well, negative for everything. she is just stuborn!!!

I assume she is using drugs of some sort? (And if you know she's using pot, she is probably using more because pot doesn't make anyone aggressive and obnoxious).
My daughter abused ADHD drugs. She put them into a pillcrusher and snorted them with her friends (who also used ADHD drugs). They added coke sometimes and other things. It was so much fun...not! My daughter got very defiant overnight...usually a sign in teens of drug abuse, especially if she is also messing up in school and hanging with a bad crowd.
At eighteen, I'd let her move out if she doesn't want to follow the rules. I wouldn't help her though. And I guarantee you she'll be back...if for money if nothing else.
Whatever she's up to, fourteen year old probably knows what it is, but I don't know if she'll tell you. Something's up, in my opinion more than just ADHD.
As for your younger daughter, if she doesn't want to listen, I'd take her cell phone, computer access, all her electronics until she decides to be respectful and follow the rules. No money. Nothing. Life can be boring for a defiant teen.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Without knowing much of the background, my simple comment is, if she's saying "I'll leave," I'd call her bluff. Offer to help her pack! She's an "adult" now. Sit down and make a contract with her. If she wants to stay, these are the rules. If not, see-ya!

Of course, there is probably much more to this than what you've shared so far, so that may not be the best answer at this point.. but.. if things don't change and she won't work with you, that's probably where you will end up.

Definitely look around and read others' stories. There is a LOT of insight here

 

[DammitJanet]

Hi, Welcome to the site!

It seems we get so many new parents here right around the time of graduation each year. It becomes evident that little Johnny or little Jane just arent going to graduate despite our best efforts. Thats the problem...it was our efforts and not theirs.

I can so relate to all the defiance, lying, stealing and entitlement issues. been there done that and have so many tee shirts. I really thought I was helping my son and really thought I was trying to punish him but I thought he just was too ODD to accept my final words. He would argue me down. It was a constant battle in my house. The best thing I ever did was to make him leave. Now I have found my misplaced backbone and when I tell him NO he may try one or two times to change my mind but he accepts my decisions without argument and more and more his attempts to even get me to change my mind are getting less. We dont fight at all like we used to. In fact, I cant think of a single real fight we have been in.

Sometimes having them leave is what we have to do for everyones sake. Doesnt mean we dont love them. Sometimes it means we love them enough to let them fly on their own.

 

[dlclark]

How old was he when you made him leave?
She is definetly ODD. She would never admit that she is the main cause of the constant battling in our home.
we had a mediator come one time, and when she pointed out some of Chelsey's area's to work on, and could see our frustration with her Chelsey would no longer participated in the sessions.
I feel like I am circling the drain sometimes.

Hi, Welcome to the site!

It seems we get so many new parents here right around the time of graduation each year. It becomes evident that little Johnny or little Jane just arent going to graduate despite our best efforts. Thats the problem...it was our efforts and not theirs.

I can so relate to all the defiance, lying, stealing and entitlement issues. been there done that and have so many tee shirts. I really thought I was helping my son and really thought I was trying to punish him but I thought he just was too ODD to accept my final words. He would argue me down. It was a constant battle in my house. The best thing I ever did was to make him leave. Now I have found my misplaced backbone and when I tell him NO he may try one or two times to change my mind but he accepts my decisions without argument and more and more his attempts to even get me to change my mind are getting less. We dont fight at all like we used to. In fact, I cant think of a single real fight we have been in.

Sometimes having them leave is what we have to do for everyones sake. Doesnt mean we dont love them. Sometimes it means we love them enough to let them fly on their own.

 

[dlclark]

Believe me we are ready for that day!
She works at Applebee's as a hostess making $7.50 an hour my husband have talked till we were blue in the face about hoew expensive life is
It's almost like she has no motivation to want more for herself

Without knowing much of the background, my simple comment is, if she's saying "I'll leave," I'd call her bluff. Offer to help her pack! She's an "adult" now. Sit down and make a contract with her. If she wants to stay, these are the rules. If not, see-ya!

Of course, there is probably much more to this than what you've shared so far, so that may not be the best answer at this point.. but.. if things don't change and she won't work with you, that's probably where you will end up.

Definitely look around and read others' stories. There is a LOT of insight here

 

[dlclark]

How do I now go back and add info to thatthread I posted.
this has already been so helpfull

Welcome to the family. Your story mirrors many of ours so you have found the right place.

One thing I always suggest to newcomers is that you make a signature. Here is the link to how to do it:

http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8399

There are so many of us that signatures really help us keep each other's stories straight and you don't have to repeat yourself as often.

Read our stories on this forum. Read our archives. There is a wealth of knowledge and experience here...and a ton of empathy and caring.

Suz

 

[Suz]

Dianna, don't bother adding to a post you've already made, just add another post here...or, if it's a new situation/problem/concern, start a new thread!

Has your daughter been diagnosed with anything? If your younger daughter has ADHD, does older daughter, too? Any dxes or more specifics would be helpful to add to your signature.

Suz

 

[Suz]

Dianna, I saw your question about what "difficult child" stands for on Jo's thread.

Click on http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?s=&daysprune=-1&f=7

This is the link to the FAQ forum. Take a look around to orient yourself. The thread about acronyms will tell you what our abbreviations mean but there's a ton of other stuff in that forum, too.

Suz

 

[dlclark]

older daughter does not have adhd.
she is just stubborn, defient, hateful
we found out at teacher conferences in Jan. that she was getting a F in english, the only class she needs to graduate.
she only goes to school from 8:00 am to 10:45 daily
so the school had a english teacher give her enogh work at least for a D.
as of today, she has done 1 of the 5 assignments and if she doesn't have them in by next Friday she won't graduate!
skips school alot, just a hateful attitude all the time.
but, she says i'm a ***** and a nag.
if she would just do the right thing i would be neither

Dianna, don't bother adding to a post you've already made, just add another post here...or, if it's a new situation/problem/concern, start a new thread!

Has your daughter been diagnosed with anything? If your younger daughter has ADHD, does older daughter, too? Any dxes or more specifics would be helpful to add to your signature.

Suz

 

[Suz]

Okay, well, if she has a severe case of "idiothead-itis" then you might want to find a local Families Anonymous or Tough Love group to get face to face support.

Suz

 

[Hound dog]

Welcome to the board. I just love teen attitude, isn't it grand? hmph

Ok. So, you're a nag about school? Stop nagging. Let her reap the consequences of not doing school work. I know, but OMG what if she doesn't graduate? Not the end of the world, I assure you. She can always get her GED. But you trying to help is getting you nothing but attitude. She's 18, she knows what she needs to do. Make her do it. If she doesn't, it falls on her.

Nichole has threatened to move out twice. I held the door open for her. Told her she was welcome to leave. But this is MY house/MY rules.

She is still here. She is still following the rules.

I think part of the problem is that you're still in the mindset of your difficult child as being a child. Ok. I understand that. I do. And probably she's immature as all get out, despite her attitude. BUT she isn't a child. She is an adult, ready or not. And it will help you tons when you can begin to see her in that new role. Your view of her will change, and so will the way you respond to her.

Hoovers doesn't it? A magic number and suddenly you're powerless legally to do a darn thing.

You may not be at the point yet where you're ready to call her bluff about moving out. Understandable. Parents get there in their own time. And that's ok. Except you must remember each time she threatens and you back down......you're handing control over to her.

Kids don't come with a handbook. (sure would be nice if they did) None of us are perfect parents. We do the best we know.

I don't know about the background. But many of us have to be careful we're not over helping our kids to the point of enabling their behavior. Natural consequences are wonderful. If she doesn't do school work, she fails. A real world lesson. Because once she is out on her own......she doesn't do her job, she gets fired.

A good idea for you and your husband to do is to sit down and discuss what behavior is both acceptable and unacceptable for an adult child living in your home. (and keep in mind you have a 14 yr old watching your every move) Then you need to think of consequences for unacceptable behavior that you both can live with and folow thru on. Because if you don't follow thru, you start right back at square one.

I have simple rules for my adult kids.

1. Go to school full time or work full time.
2. If you're not in school, I get paid rent. (100.00 a month)
3. In by midnight, no excuses. (I'm not going to sit up worrying where my grown kids are)
4. Pick up after yourself.

It's up to them on whether or not to follow the rules. If they don't......they move. Since I have 2 still here, I'm guessing they're not so bad. lol

But you and husband need to come up with your own rules. You know difficult child, you know what you can and can't tolerate.

Again, welcome. Looking forward to getting to know you.

Hugs.

 

[DammitJanet]

Lisa is pretty dead on.

I honestly should have made my son leave at least a year or so before he left. I dont know about much sooner than that but maybe. I may just be a pushover...ok...I am definitely a pushover.

Since your dtr doesnt have a diagnosis maybe she can get a roommate of some sort. Maybe it is time for natural consequences to just kick in. If she doesnt do her schoolwork, she will fail. If she fails, she has to work full time and save her money for a moveout date at a XXX time. Now all my kids do chip in to household expenses. That is just a given.

 

[dlclark]

I'm thinking your exacly right. and I am a push over too. her behavior has gone on about 5 years too long. it's embarassing that your child is so lazy they don't want more out of life.
I'll find out next friday if she will even graduate hich school.
she only goes for 3 hours you'd think could handle that.

Lisa is pretty dead on.

I honestly should have made my son leave at least a year or so before he left. I dont know about much sooner than that but maybe. I may just be a pushover...ok...I am definitely a pushover.

Since your dtr doesnt have a diagnosis maybe she can get a roommate of some sort. Maybe it is time for natural consequences to just kick in. If she doesnt do her schoolwork, she will fail. If she fails, she has to work full time and save her money for a moveout date at a XXX time. Now all my kids do chip in to household expenses. That is just a given.

 

[dlclark]

thanks for the tough love. I need to be stronger, I should have been stronger years ago. My husband has always had a stronger attitude about it, and your right to me she was my child, like the adorable 3 year old in the frame on our picture gallery.
I'm starting to get better, i told her just yesterday that she was doing nothing this weekend until her room was picked up and her english was done.
she texted me back that "you can't tell me what I can or can not or I'll move out" i said then leave. and brought 2 large boxes home from work for her. she did seem a bit surprized.do"

Welcome to the board. I just love teen attitude, isn't it grand? hmph

Ok. So, you're a nag about school? Stop nagging. Let her reap the consequences of not doing school work. I know, but OMG what if she doesn't graduate? Not the end of the world, I assure you. She can always get her GED. But you trying to help is getting you nothing but attitude. She's 18, she knows what she needs to do. Make her do it. If she doesn't, it falls on her.

Nichole has threatened to move out twice. I held the door open for her. Told her she was welcome to leave. But this is MY house/MY rules.

She is still here. She is still following the rules.

I think part of the problem is that you're still in the mindset of your difficult child as being a child. Ok. I understand that. I do. And probably she's immature as all get out, despite her attitude. BUT she isn't a child. She is an adult, ready or not. And it will help you tons when you can begin to see her in that new role. Your view of her will change, and so will the way you respond to her.

Hoovers doesn't it? A magic number and suddenly you're powerless legally to do a darn thing.

You may not be at the point yet where you're ready to call her bluff about moving out. Understandable. Parents get there in their own time. And that's ok. Except you must remember each time she threatens and you back down......you're handing control over to her.

Kids don't come with a handbook. (sure would be nice if they did) None of us are perfect parents. We do the best we know.

I don't know about the background. But many of us have to be careful we're not over helping our kids to the point of enabling their behavior. Natural consequences are wonderful. If she doesn't do school work, she fails. A real world lesson. Because once she is out on her own......she doesn't do her job, she gets fired.

A good idea for you and your husband to do is to sit down and discuss what behavior is both acceptable and unacceptable for an adult child living in your home. (and keep in mind you have a 14 yr old watching your every move) Then you need to think of consequences for unacceptable behavior that you both can live with and folow thru on. Because if you don't follow thru, you start right back at square one.

I have simple rules for my adult kids.

1. Go to school full time or work full time.
2. If you're not in school, I get paid rent. (100.00 a month)
3. In by midnight, no excuses. (I'm not going to sit up worrying where my grown kids are)
4. Pick up after yourself.

It's up to them on whether or not to follow the rules. If they don't......they move. Since I have 2 still here, I'm guessing they're not so bad. lol

But you and husband need to come up with your own rules. You know difficult child, you know what you can and can't tolerate.

Again, welcome. Looking forward to getting to know you.

Hugs.

 

[KTMom91]

Hi, Dianna! With Miss KT, I found I had to mean exactly what I said and be willing to follow through. I started offering the door when she was about 14, when she told me she was calling CPS, and I told her I'd wave goodbye as she left for the foster home. It's been an uphill road, she lived with my mom for nearly a year, but she will graduate from high school and is registered for college. No drug use with Miss KT (knock on wood), just a strong sense of "buttheaded-ness." Now we're working on her rotten attitude towards my Hubby.

As the others have said, make the rules, and she doesn't choose to follow them, tough tofu.

Welcome to the crowd!

 

[dlclark]

tomorrow 5/8 we will find out if she can even graduate because of the skipping and blowing off her work. We are ready to shoe her the door!!

Hi, Dianna! With Miss KT, I found I had to mean exactly what I said and be willing to follow through. I started offering the door when she was about 14, when she told me she was calling CPS, and I told her I'd wave goodbye as she left for the foster home. It's been an uphill road, she lived with my mom for nearly a year, but she will graduate from high school and is registered for college. No drug use with Miss KT (knock on wood), just a strong sense of "buttheaded-ness." Now we're working on her rotten attitude towards my Hubby.

As the others have said, make the rules, and she doesn't choose to follow them, tough tofu.

Welcome to the crowd!

 

[Suz]

tough tofu

I have GOT to remember that. Good one!

Suz