Game Day Decision Time.

[ColleenB]

LBL

My heart breaks for you. I know how much you love your son and were hoping for a better outcome. The system doesn't help, it sometimes seems to make things harder for all of us.

I had been thinking maybe if my son had been younger I could have done more to help him or influence his treatment... but I can see it makes little difference if they aren't willing.

I am so so sorry.

We escaped today to a beach with our best friends and it was exactly what we needed. Came home to my bed unmade and I think he was sleeping in it.... unless Goldilocks is in the neighbourhood.

Why do these kids fight us at every turn yet still come back and seek refuge in our homes. They are loved and cherished yet that isn't enough. Sigh....


I am thinking of you ((hugs))

 

[Littleboylost]

what are you supposed to do when they are shitting the nest while dominating it too? these are their choices

This is so very true it cuts to the bone.

now. this thread is very helpful to me. my son is homeless. and the good news is, can you believe it? he is sleeping in a car loaned to him with a dead battery in front of a kentucky fried chicken which he volunteered to share with a young man who is deaf.

My dear Copa. What don't they get?? Their lives would be so much easier embracing the help they are offered.

My son has been gone all day and has not shown up for dinner. Stupidly I left my purse unattended and of course there is money missing. I doubt he will be home any time soon and when he does roll in he will be in no time or shape for a conversation. Will not have school tomorrow because it is a PD day.

You just want to shake them until their teeth rattle. Mind you not too much because I wouldn't want to shake loose the 8 fillings he just had at the dentist.

All your idioms translate to Canadian very well.

Yes being played like a fiddle, playing along with the application process wasting everyone's time. Doing just enough to be doing nothing.

It's heart wrenching and so disappointing. I agree they figure out how to survive. This time I want him out and not temporarily, I want him on social assistance and knowing he is not coming back home. This can't be another 2-3 week couch surfing venture. It won't be easy for him to find a place to rent. Smoker, pot smoker, no job. Not an excuse to stay with us though.

 

[Littleboylost]

LBL

My heart breaks for you. I know how much you love your son and were hoping for a better outcome. The system doesn't help, it sometimes seems to make things harder for all of us.

I had been thinking maybe if my son had been younger I could have done more to help him or influence his treatment... but I can see it makes little difference if they aren't willing.

I am so so sorry.

We escaped today to a beach with our best friends and it was exactly what we needed. Came home to my bed unmade and I think he was sleeping in it.... unless Goldilocks is in the neighbourhood.

Why do these kids fight us at every turn yet still come back and seek refuge in our homes. They are loved and cherished yet that isn't enough. Sigh....


I am thinking of you ((hugs))

They take so many painful liberties with our hearts and it doesn't phase them one bit.

I am glad you had an enjoyable get away. It is a rough road for the sober, clean and present.

 

[StillStanding]

Just wanted to remind you... you're not alone.

 

[Littleboylost]

Redirect Notice
This is what my grieving process look like tonight

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

LBL,

I can't stress enough that you have done everything possible for your son. He just isn't ready, and that is nobody's fault.

He will be ready one day.

I am glad that you are strong and firm. Of course I'm sure you have your moments, as we all do. But you are doing everything right.

I hope your hubby remains on the same page with you.

Once he is off the drugs his head will clear. Drugs can mimic symptoms of mental illness.

You may be waiting a very long time for him to decide to get clean. You can help bring him closer to that moment by putting him out and allowing him to experience the reality of life with no job, no education, and an active drug habit.

Blessings to you, I will be thinking of your family.

 

[Littleboylost]

Update
Wash, Rinse, Repeat
We are right back at it. Son declares he meant to say an anger management course and in patient rehab. Well fine. I have put my foot down with the silly buggers with his OP rehabilitation. Get the assessment completed and let's move on. No more going in circles about MH issues. She feels he needs a MH consultation. If he doesn't go to rehab they won't take him into the mixed disorders clinic here. So onward ho to rehab. If he get MH issues interrupting rehab I will take him right from rehab to mixed disorders clinic.

His lawyer has said she will see if she can get his charges dismissed or diverted if he attends rehab and completes the program. That will save 18 months of probation and 3 years with an open record to be stressing over. And is one more reason for attending rehab.

Son is trying to use his school appreniship program as a blocker. First things first. Rehab then Mh them school.

He now has so many reasons to go to rehab if he chooses not to go there is no doubt that he is just not willing to change.

I have had a very exhaustive emotional few days. I totally lost it last. I am so tired of the lies and the excuses and the rediculius comments like, you don't love me, you don't trust me,....Well no we don't trust you and with good reason. I'm if we didn't love you you would have been gone long ago. All we do is criticize him and make him feel like . No we are trying to help you because your in a pile of .

This would be the ideal time for him to be offered a rehab bed.

 

[Sam3]

You are awesome.

 

[Littleboylost]

You are awesome.

I am exhausted.

 

[Sam3]

I am exhausted.

I know. Invictus/Rocky awesome.

 

[Littleboylost]

It is October 9th and I wanted to review this post for myself. I am so low twisted and torn up about what to do.

Although he has brought no drugs home son continues to stay away for days on end not telling us where he is. He has not gone to school with any consistency. It is like he puts the bare minimum in to play with us.

Yesterday we are out for Thanks Giving dinner. We almost went on our own as we had not heard from Son since Thursday evening to Sat wher he used home as a pit stop and right out again. I have told him it is unacceptable that he does this. He apologizes but it is just to shine us on. He asked if he could bring a friend I said sure (stupid me). It was a young girl from school. I noticed they were holding hands so I asked about his girlfriend J. He said they were still together but having some troubles. I told him it was not nice to play with this girls emotions if he was still in another relationship.

After dinner he asked if the girl could visit for a while I said yes and when I was heading to bed I told son she needed to leave. I told husband to make sure she left. He didn't. He declares he told son she had to go but didn't ensure this happened. (That's another frustration).

I woke at 5 am to find them both on my sons bed!! I was furious he tried to declare they fell asleep by accident. BS full intent. I don't even know if this girl is 16!! I told him out out out!!! They both left and he had not been back since. He even had the nerve to ask for a ride because it was raining!!! What the hell is wrong with his head!! Zero tolerance policy 2 things drugs and girls overnight. I said if he had a girlfriend of greater than 6 months who's parents approved of them sleeping over and they were 18 or older then we could talk.

I can not take the blatant disregard for us or our home. If he doesn't need rehab for the issues he has, well then he is just an who has no intentions of abiding by any rules we have in place.

My husband vciilates about asking him to leave. I want E out and I told him he has 30 days to sort out a place to stay and get himself on OW.

He declares yesterday that he had charges because of us. He only did harder drugs because he was incarcerated and was introduced to them there. Odd beocause he stole my post op OxyContin before that and one of his charges is for possession of cocaine. What BS. Regardless clearly he wants to take no accoutebkutiy for his past or current behaviors.

I truly don't see this changing any time soon. He has Ben called Pre-Contemplative which means the odds of him getting into a long term rehab program are pretty slim because he doesn't see the need for it.
This is starting to have way too much of s strain on my mental health. My nerves are in a terrible state. I truly do not think I can cope with him living here any longer.
I am desperately trying to get my husband on board with this plan.
He has stolen money again as well. My own fault for leaving my purse unattended.
I wish he was more active with drugging or belligerent to us. He is not. It is like he is playing us and it is killing me. FOG and Gas Lighting.

 

[Albatross]

I'm sorry, LBL.

I don't fully understand the criteria for qualifying for rehab in Canada, but if he is "pre-contemplative" and is not likely to qualify, then I don't see him moving toward serious consideration as long as he has it so good at home.

I don't say that to be harsh, but seriously...why on earth would he ever think he needs rehab?

This certainly isn't good for you or husband. I can't even imagine the pressure cooker you've been in these past months.

It sounds like the best thing for all is for son to start facing the music.

But it's easy for me to talk tough; he's not my son.

I can understand your husband's feelings too. When we see our precious children in the grips of addiction, we fear that we may be the last thing standing between them and the addiction taking complete control, maybe even permanently. My husband and I were at odds many times over this issue, with each of us switching roles several times.

I think the single most important thing is for you and husband to come to an agreement as to how to move forward. In my opinion, it sounds like son has a lot of things to get out of his system, and the two of you being in limbo or at odds is not going to work in the meantime.

 

[Littleboylost]

I'm sorry, LBL.

I don't fully understand the criteria for qualifying for rehab in Canada, but if he is "pre-contemplative" and is not likely to qualify, then I don't see him moving toward serious consideration as long as he has it so good at home.

I don't say that to be harsh, but seriously...why on earth would he ever think he needs rehab?

This certainly isn't good for you or husband. I can't even imagine the pressure cooker you've been in these past months.

It sounds like the best thing for all is for son to start facing the music.

But it's easy for me to talk tough; he's not my son.

I can understand your husband's feelings too. When we see our precious children in the grips of addiction, we fear that we may be the last thing standing between them and the addiction taking complete control, maybe even permanently. My husband and I were at odds many times over this issue, with each of us switching roles several times.

I think the single most important thing is for you and husband to come to an agreement as to how to move forward. In my opinion, it sounds like son has a lot of things to get out of his system, and the two of you being in limbo or at odds is not going to work in the meantime.

Alba; we need to hear from others with experience and clarity. It helps us see the path of the inevitable. I am so conflicted myself and I agree we dance between roles husband and I. I am more on the firm boundary of letting go. Husband is not there yet and that causes me self doubt. Nothing changes unless something changes. Wash Rinse and repeat is exhausting.

 

[Littleboylost]

Son is 18 on the 20th. Has been home with the promise of going to rehab. We have invested time and effort into the process and he is sabotaging the entire effort. He refused to go to the intake meeting. We have told him he is to leave we have given him 14 days.
The John Howard society and the entire system are shaming us. My head and my heart are in a battle. He is disrespectful not compliant with any house rules accept not to bring drugs home. He continues to use drugs and fail at his second attempt for high school. I read this last evening and it kept me strong. We can not help someone who won't get help nor can we enable this situation any longer. Need to be strong.


Just a gentle and loving reminder to all of us---


Letting go and detachment is not to abandon our child...

No one turns their back or "closes the door" on their child...

And I certainly do not think Anyone here gives up on their loved one-

We simply LET GO of that which we have NO CONTROL..

None of us are that powerful to control and/or change another...

When you recognize how very difficult it Is just in the changing of oneself you will understand the IMPOSSIBILITY of changing someone else!


To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else


To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another


To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences


To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means that the outcome is not in my hands


To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself


To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about


To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive


To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being


To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destiny


To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality


To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept


To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them


To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be


To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it


To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future


To "let go" is to fear less and love myself more

 

[Littleboylost]

lbl. i am sorry. i have not read all the posts here but enough to agree with those who say 60 days more seems like waaaay too much.

i would count the last 30 plus days with him shining you on. playing you like a fiddle. do these translate to canadian?

to me, he sounds way enough competent and capable to know what he is doing and how to take care of himself. he is manipulating the situation artfully.

actually. i think the professionals are manipulating too. trying to put you between a rock and a hard place. another idiom that may not translate.

i know how hard it is to put them out. i kicked out my son when he was 23 (he subsequently came home for am extended period. he turns 29 in 2 weeks) i still blame myself as causing all this. but the mama bird comes to mind.

what are you supposed to do when they are shitting the nest while dominating it too? these are their choices.

your son is making me very mad. he made an agreement.

he does not get to call the shots in your house.

now. this thread is very helpful to me. my son is homeless. and the good news is, can you believe it? he is sleeping in a car loaned to him with a dead battery in front of a kentucky fried chicken which he volunteered to share with a young man who is deaf.

all of this good news is shared by his boyhood friend who i call to beg to ask my son to please call. he has not.

i get in the mail bills from psychiatric hospitals where my son has gone for respite. more good news.

i write this to tell you that they do survive.

i will tell you my view: you have no choice.

if you asked me--you haven't--but i can't help myself....i would tell him he is out on his birthday.

i am so sorry. he is being a real jerk. in my view he needs to be called on it.

Called and notice to the social supper team given he has to be out in 12 days. The social assistance team tried to shame and guilt us but it's not working this time. We are united and know we are doing the right thing. Painful and sad but right.

 

[susiestar]

Stick to your guns.

You do know that their shaming of you and trying to make you feel guilty over this is so that they do not have to spend any money or time on him, don't you? They want to make you do all the work and they don't want to do anything with or for him. They want the family to be the ones in the line of fire. This system doesn't work.

In many ways what they are trying to get you to do is to enable him. It just blows my mind and defies every shred of common sense and logic in my being. I wanted to cry WTF??? when you first posted about this, but I didn't want to discourage you in case this was something that actually worked that I just didn't know about. It doesn't work. My instinct was right. They want you to enable him so they don't have to provide any services. if the family keeps the addict at home, the system spends little to no money on the addict. The addict doesn't get better, maybe dies at home, but hey, it isn't the system's fault. The family should have taken better care of him. Just ask the system.

It is a mountain of bovine excrement! Your son needs to experience the consequences of his choices. If he is willing to go to get real help, then he needs to go. Otherwise, he needs to go and experience the life he seems to want to live. On his own dime.

Many years ago, my brother did not want to go to his college classes. He wanted to mow lawns for $10 per hour. This was the late 80s, so that was good money for an 18 year old college junior, but it won't support you in a good lifestyle. He also wouldn't follow house rules. My mother finally told him that if he wanted to skip out on his education and work for $10 an hour, he could go and live on that $10 an hour in his own house. He got to see how he couldn't rent a place to live that would give him what he wanted for what he made. He couldn't afford cable tv and air conditioning and to keep his clunker of a car running and everything else going.

I think your son may need to go off and do this. Drugs are incredibly expensive. If he doesn't have you and your husband there to help him with expenses, and other family to help, what will he do? He clearly is not willing to follow your rules, do what he needs to in order to get the help that HE asked for.

Logic and common sense dictate that he needs to be out of your house. He needs to see what this life will do for him. It will be hard and not fun. It will stink for him. It will be hard for you to endure and not enable. The more you enable, the longer it will drag on.

Tell these social service people that they should be ashamed. They should have gotten him a bed in a facility when he was willing to go, not made him wait all this time. They shouldn't have fobbed him off on his family. They should have taken action rather than shamed and blamed. The shame and blame belong to them.

 

[DoneDad]

Called and notice to the social supper team given he has to be out in 12 days. The social assistance team tried to shame and guilt us but it's not working this time. We are united and know we are doing the right thing. Painful and sad but right.

The "social assistance team" should be ashamed of themselves. Trying to keep a dysfunctional situation going because it's easier for them instead of doing their jobs. Glad you're sticking to your guns and doing what's right for you and for your son.