Going home, soon. Know we should not kidnap daughter and bring her home, but....

[witzend]

Barbara, my heart breaks for you and your daughter. We both know that bringing her home won't change anything. Be there for her when she's ready, that's all you can do.

 

[scent of cedar]

We both know that bringing her home won't change anything.

Be there for her when she's ready, that's all you can do.

Witz, that is heartbreakingly true. But here is a strange and wonderful thing that has been happening over the past few days. It's like I am able to envision my own, sweet, same old difficult child trapped beneath the persona driving her, now. I think it is a healthy development. (Hope I'm not going over the deep-edge, here!)

I can even hate the driving force without touching the way I still feel about difficult child.

There is so much trapped emotion released in being able to separate what I feel for difficult child and acknowledge what I feel for her driver.

The rage and disgust I feel for the driver no longer contaminates the love I feel for my wayward child.

husband and I were talking about this the other day. Remember those old werewolf movies? Where, when Lon Chaney had been hit by the silver bullet, he died and the werewolf hair and features faded away?

And you felt bad for Lon Chaney, because once the gypsy cursed him, he never really had a choice, after all?

That is what this feels like.

Other than flashes of her old self, the werewolf is all we see of difficult child right now. But Lon Chaney is still in there, wishing he could be better than he is.

I think that is where/how we will find the strength to get ourselves through the next few weeks and months.

Has this happened to anyone else?

Barbara

 

[recoveringenabler]

I recall those old Lon Chaney movies Barbara, the endings always made me cry because I felt so sorry for him..................sigh..............whatever makes this easier for you is good. For me, remembering my little girl, the well one, the one who looked so promising and innocent and beautiful was hard for me. My daughter changed so much after her husband killed himself, even her appearance changed, you could actually see the shift from a certain childlike innocence to a much older and more bitter appearance. I made an effort NOT to go there, go back in time to when my girl was okay, when she believed life was magical and good and held so much hope for her. She is so jaded now, living in a world I can't be a part of, no drugs, no substance abuse, just a darkness and lack of hope which I can't pull her out of. Seeing who she was made me hurt more for the loss of her, I had to let that girl go and recognize that she doesn't exist anymore, this new woman, this woman I have no connection to, took her place. That heartbreak, that grief, that knowledge was a part of my detachment process..................and it was so hard...............I hope your way of seeing it helps you and makes it easier for you.

 

[scent of cedar]

Oh, Recovering. I'm so sorry.

We have to be so strong, in this life....

Wherever does our strength come from, I wonder.

Remember when we were innocent young girls? I always wanted to be wiser, stronger, more steady.

Now I know the pain it took to get there.

I wish I knew how to comfort you, Recovering. You have been so rock-steady, for me.

Barbara

 

[recoveringenabler]

Thank you Barbara, you are so kind and your sweetness always comes through all of your posts..........I appreciate your concern, you are always comforting, to me and to all of us.

Yes, I sometimes have wondered where our strength comes from too. You know, I have had much therapy because of so much trauma and loss in my life.........so much mental illness in my family of origin, so much fear and sorrow...........and yes, it's been a pretty rough ride at times..............but I have always had a strong belief, maybe it's what pulls me through, I don't know, that if you can find meaning in suffering, if you can find compassion and love within your heart, you will not only make it through, I think you then truly recognize your own connection to something larger then us, that connection to divinity. All of this has brought me to my knees many, many times and believe me, I would much rather be doing something else! But, it is life, no one gets through without pain, it's how we get through the pain, how we find our grace and our courage and our love that defines us. I see you in the same boat, a gentle, caring, loving Mom who is confronted with all of this agony.......and it is agony...............you are responding with love, and sometimes love means you have to let go so they find themselves................the hardest form of love I think there is. You will find your way, as I have. You'll find for yourself what all of this means for you and you will share that knowledge with others..............it's the way it is. We're all in this together.............