Greatest fear comes to life

[hearthope]

Praying you and husband can end up on the same page. I understand your feelings and I understand husband. Please don't let your difficult child rip apart your family.

When I am at my wit's end with my husband and my difficult child, my mother always reminds me that one day it will be just me and husband.
My parents have a 45 yr old difficult child. He lives on a mountain by himself.
They spent my college savings and my younger sister's college savings plus much more money bailing out my brother, trying to fix my brother.
The three of us rarely even speak to each other to this day because of the destruction my brother caused and the anger my sister and I felt for our futures not being as important as our brother's future.
My mom is my best advocate for standing strong against my difficult child.
She has broken down mamy times about the choices she made trying to save my brother, She learned tough love, but after the finiances were drained.
We have a wonderful relationship now, I got the tough love from them both and I think I faired much better.

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Hope you and husband come up with a solution that will suit all. Sending you and your family much support.

 

[Sheila]

Mercy.

I don't blame you -- I'd not likely do it either.

Sending a big hug.

 

[Sunlight]

I am always dumbfounded at people who think paying rent for their child is the answer. especially kids who self medicate with drink and drugs to wash over their own pain and loneliness. so, you pay for a roof overhead and they are still lonely and without resources like a car??

my ex paid rent for ant for 6 months back when ant was still into drugs deeply. he paid for nights in a motel for him as well. it did not help ant and in fact made ant think others would provide a roof for him. the ex even picked up food at the food bank and delivered it and cigarettes to ant! at night ant still had to face his own fear of being alone. grrrr

ant can only live here if he pays rent. he has to work to get the rent money. he does it because he likes being with family. he enjoys the comfort and safety. he didnt learn to appreciate that until he lived without comfort and safety. when he was drinking and drugging he lost that. the more he realized he had no home to go to unless he behaved, the more he wanted to stop his behavior.

however, when he was in halfway houses...he was still with strangers. he worked and paid rent, but the part missing was the emotional support and guidance, being with people you trusted.

you take a lonely depressed self medicator...put him in a hostile or strange environment...and they drink as soon as they can to escape the pain. some of our difficult children are people who cannot adapt to new places sober. they cannot sit and chit chat with house mates who also have anger/loneliness/substance abuse problems. one of the big reasons I think they attach to women they meet so quickly is that they want to be with someone they feel they can trust to stave away the loneliness.

you put J alone in an apartment and pay his rent. he has no car. he will maybe comply and walk or bus to work for a while, but at night when he comes back, he will be lonely til he cannot think of anything but drinking til morning comes. if his dad is there, he will feel guilty that his dad is not with Abbey. this will make J end the living situation by acting out so his dad goes home and J doesnt feel guilty.

I still say give him the opportunity to be accepted in his home place-with conditions. I think if he feels unwanted, he will leave on his own. a person like this needs not only a roof, food and a job, they need emotional support. after all, many of these kids grew up with few to no friends and feeling like they didnt fit in. the last thing they want to is to know that they are so scarey and unloved that dad left mom to go live with them.

I have to add that at some age you can no longer take them home when they have repeatedly abused the home environment. I never let ant live here since age 18 until I felt he truly had shown good effort to get and keep a job and be respectful to me. if he repeats the past behaviors he would be out in a flash. point is, the home is a carrot he had to earn. this is limited. I would not have ant living here at age 30 and still acting out. at J's age, he is still maturing.

 

[Abbey]

I appreciate all you responses. I really am at peace. I've made my 'line in the sand' and that is where I stand. It is up to husband to make the next move, which I doubt he will do...I could be wrong.

I guess I'm getting old and . I just can't do anymore.

There is no money to put him up in an apartment. Even if there was, I wouldn't do it. We've done that before and bitten in the behind afterwards. He has opportunities, but shuns them.

I'm just sitting back watching this all play out. I know I'm cold, but I don't know what else to do.

Abbey

 

[kris]

abbey, you're not cold...not at all. you've gone above & beyond the call for J time after time. everyone has to set their own limits. i'm glad you know yours.

you are very much in my thoughts.

kris

 

[ScentofCedar]

Abbey, I misunderstood your posting, I think. Are you saying that while husband insists on having J home again, you are refusing to have him home and so, are looking at the end of your relationship with husband?

I can absolutely see how that could happen.

My husband and I have run that edge more than once.

Barbara

 

[Abbey]

Barbara,

That's pretty much it. I wouldn't say I'd end my relationship with husband...just not in the same house. I know that is weird to say, but I can't have J here.

Moving him to VEGAS would be the WORST thing he could do. Talk about having every temptation at your beckon call...

Abbey

 

[Fran]

Cold! huh? where would one believe that of you. I remember the gut wrenching stories of what this child did to your grandmother's special things that you treasured. The children who needed to be out of their home for their own safety. The destruction and theft that was intentionally inflicted on you. Not husband but you. Those are just a few that are off the top of my head.

You gave up more than any parent on this site. Bar none. Don't you ever say you are cold. Any of those that judge you as looking for an easier way are confused. They didn't walk your path and they have selective memory of what they thought and did.
I didn't do as you did and I don't have a child that you have but I know that you did the best you could and I know and most of us know that you gave the ultimate sacrifice with your other children. I know I could not have done what you did. I think you sacrificed enough. You don't have to prove your sainthood to anyone.
If he has not proven to be any different why would you allow him in your home. He has never worked a legal day in his life and has never honored or respected anything but the slick, easy way.
Does that mean there is no hope? No way. I would think that you hope to see little changes so that you can nurture and help but he has shown nothing but talk so far. You are a teacher of children and you are used to difficult ones. You are not one to look for easy ways out.

Love is not the answer but the driving force. We all know that is not enough. Do what allows you to be a whole person and not the prison guard.
I support your decision. In your situation and with your son it is the only wise and non destructive way to go.

 

[Suz]

"I support your decision. In your situation and with your son it is the only wise and non destructive way to go. "

Ditto Fran, Abbey. Absolutely.

Hugs,
Suz

 

[witzend]

I agree. You are being strong and doing what is best for you and PCs. I'm so sorry to hear that your husband is forcing this decision upon you.

 

[DammitJanet]

Abbey...fran is right. I remember the posts. I remember all the things you have done because of J. You are not cold or callous. You are dealing with reality.

 

[Estherfromjerusalem]

Abbey, Fran has put into words (and she does that so well) all I wanted to say. I too remember from all those years ago all the awful things that J has put you through, and you have done as much as any mother could do, and more, for your family.

You are not cold. You are a warm and caring mother in an impossible situation. If your mind is made up now, then good for you. Look after yourself, for your own sake and that of your other children. And I hope for your husband's and your sake that your husband can also make up his mind, because I so understand his conflicted feelings as well.

I'm sending you my love and support.

Hugs to you from me.

Love, Esther

 

[Irene_J]

There is nothing cold about you and what you have decided. We take as much as we can take until we can't take anymore. We owe our children loving homes, guidance, structure and a pathway to adulthood; we don't owe them our lives.

You have stated your position and now will wait to see what husband will do. If your husband is like alot of husbands, nothing may come of this without your involvement. My ex-husband was a good one for great ideas concerning my difficult child, but implementation was left to me.

I am glad that you are a peace with your decision. I am thinking of you.

 

[ScentofCedar]

I don't think you are cold either, Abbey.

J is in this position now because he disobeyed the rules.

That does not bode well.

It becomes a question of how much of all of your lives J is entitled to gobble up with his wrongheadedness.

I remember you posting once that you were afraid something like this would happen.

I am glad you are still posting, Abbey.

The women on this site have been a staunch support to me so many times.

Know that you are in my thoughts.

Sending strength, Abbey.

Barbara

 

[Abbey]

If your husband is like alot of husbands, nothing may come of this without your involvement. My ex-husband was a good one for great ideas concerning my difficult child, but implementation was left to me.

You so hit the nail on the head. I'm not banking on it, but if I was a betting person... I'd win. :smile:

Abbey

 

[Sunlight]

"but if I was a betting person... I'd win. "

lol...I thought you WERE a betting person :wink:

 

[muttmeister]

I just saw this and don't have any great advice but just wanted to offer another hug and some support.
You do what you have to do. You know what is best for you and you are doing it. Good for you. If husband decides he has to do something else, I can understand that too. I'm sorry it has come to this but time has a way of making our decisions for us. Hopefully it will all work out in the end, one way or another, and you will come to some kind of closure. One of the hardest things with our difficult children is that there never seems to be an end. No matter how detached we get, they are still our kids and they still manage to drag us into their dramas against our own better judgement. Stay strong.

 

[Sue C]

Abbey -- any update??

Hugs,
Sue

 

[Stella Johnson]

I'm so sorry, Deb. no one here thinks you are cold. You have done everything you could.

(((hugs)))

steph