Grown childeren who never grow up...

[RedAlert]

Am new to this forum as of today. I had no idea there was a place to come and vent,grieve,and moan on the internet. At 67, I have grown more than weary of my oldest child, who to this day, still can not function on her own.She recently lost her job, had a traffic accident-not her fault, but totaled her car,and is now homeless-again. For the last twenty five years, family and friends,have helped on a weekly basis, with money,and a whole host of things to help someone get on their feet. When she was younger and had four kids of her own,me and my husband took them in four times. Others have taken them in also over the years. In the beginning, she had drug problems. To the best of my knowledge she is not on drugs now, or for the last few years. She had a good job, for nine years,and she was making progress until she lost job
(supposedly not her fault) and had the car accident. One of her biggest issues, no sense of money value at all. She's gone thru I know, 2-3 thousand in the last month. Trying to stay on her own. None, of my family can or even want to take her in. I am thinking, her friends also, have given up. So, she will be out on the street, along with her youngest daughter, and her two kids-with another on the way.
AS, long as i do not hear from her, I , cope fine,but once she calls, and starts telling me her problems, and now one of her own kids problems- I just want to run off somewhere.
I stopped aiding her years ago- at least I feel like i did. She also has so many health issues, I cant even name them all on here.
So, how do I cope now ? It's always the same story,for her,only the times, and places change. Unfortunate,that her one of her two daughters, has grown the same,in some ways. Her two sons, no big problems, they of course have manged for their selves. I know I have tired so many things over the years, and I do not believe any of this is my fault.But still, can't stop being concerned for her welfare.
Believe it or not, with all that I have been through with her over the last twenty five years or more, I am not and alcoholic, don't do drugs,and considered rational and level headed..LOL go figure.
Just need apiece of mind sometimes, on how to continue and stay back, and not let all this get to me.

 

[Tanya M]

Welcome RedAlert,

I am glad you found us here. Your story is all to familiar and I am so sorry for what you are going through.
This site is a good and safe place to be, you will find support here from other parents who are on the same difficult journey.

It sounds like you are very strong and have recognized that helping/enabling has not worked for your daughter. It's good that you stopped aiding her.

I know how your heart breaks. As a parent we do all we can for our children and hope that they will become a responsible adult.

I have tired so many things over the years, and I do not believe any of this is my fault

I'm glad you understand that it's not your fault. So many times our Difficult Child will try and blame us and guilt us into helping them. Being able to see clearly that you are not responsible for the choices she has made is huge.

There is an article at the top of the Parent Emeritus page about detachment.
Here's the link to make it easier.
http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz3nt7e66Ny

So, how do I cope now ? It's always the same story,for her,only the times, and places change

Now you are here with us. I have found the best way to cope is to take care of myself. I hope you are doing this also.

((HUGS)) to you......................

 

[Jabberwockey]

Hello RedAlert, and welcome to our little corner of the internet. Sorry you have to be here but it does help. Most definitely read the detachment article that Tanya linked. You may not be as detached from your daughters drama as you think.

One thing that would help us would be if you put a signature with your profile. It helps us to remember what's going on without having to constantly ask for reminders. Yes, I know. My signature doesn't cover anything but Lil's, my wife, does. She is usually the one initiating our threads. Even when she isn't, she chimes in so the info is there.

I really cant give you any solid advice because the grand's are involved. We don't have any grandchildren yet...we hope...and their being involved only makes it more complicated and much more difficult for you to detach. Why should we have to punish the grand's for our children's mistakes? But sometimes that's what it takes.

Hang in there. People with more experience than I have will be on soon!

 

[AppleCori]

Hi and welcome, RA

You daughter's life is her responsibility. It's not yours, not extended family's or friends' responsibility.

Everyone gets to the point of burn-out when they see that their continued help is never enough.

The only thing you can do is limit your conversations with her. When she starts complaining, make up an excuse to get off the phone.

Direct them to social services, shelters, food kitchens, rehab, etc.

Don't give $$ or let them move in with you.

Am I reading this correctly, that your daughter's kids are now grown, but she has her adult daughter with her and the adult daughter has two kids and another on the way? Or am I wrong?

Stay with us.

Le us know how it is going and don't hesitate to post when you need to.

Apple

 

[Jabberwockey]

Am I reading this correctly, that your daughter's kids are now grown, but she has her adult daughter with her and the adult daughter has two kids and another on the way? Or am I wrong?

I missed that. Its what it reads like to me.

 

[A dad]

This is strange she does not seem to not be a grown woman but went trough one of those periods in life where "life sucks". People lose jobs and cars with no fault of your own no matter how mature they are you can only control your actions not others.

 

[AppleCori]

This is strange she does not seem to not be a grown woman but went trough one of those periods in life where "life sucks". People lose jobs and cars with no fault of your own no matter how mature they are you can only control your actions not others.

Yeah, except this period of 'life sux' has been going on in her life for 25 years!

 

[A dad]

Yeah, except this period of 'life sux' has been going on in her life for 25 years!

She worked at that job for 9 years in my opinion keeping a job for so long shows maturity.

 

[AppleCori]

Well, I hope you are right, A dad.

When I see the OP's words:

Grown child who never grows up....

Still to this day, cannot function on her own....

For the last 25 years, family and friends have helped on a weekly basis with money and a whole host of things....

No sense of the value of money....

None of the family can, or even want, to take her in....

friends have given up....

Always the same story, only the times and places change....


Sounds so familiar.

 

[Tanya M]

She worked at that job for 9 years in my opinion keeping a job for so long shows maturity.

Staying at a job for 9 years does not automatically equate to maturity. I work in accounting and one of my co-workers has been at this company for 33 years and is in debt up to her eyeballs because she does not know how to budget and manage money and did I say we work in accounting!!. She is also a drama queen and is far from being mature.

@RedAlert , I do hope you will offer some more information about your daughter. What was the job she had for 9 years?
Why did she leave the job?

 

[Childofmine]

Red Alert, welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry about your daughter and especially for the length of time you have had to endure the pain of watching her life as it is.

I'm glad you have stopped providing for her...because if not now, then when? At age 67, it's time for you to live your life, not support your grown children.

I remember one person on this forum who wrote that she is 80 years old and her 60-ish son still sleeps on her couch. I don't know about you, but I'm not doing that.

It's hard to let go of people we love. You ask how to cope with this. I believe the only way is to set boundaries about phone calls, visits, texts, social media messages---in other words, all communication. If it drives you crazy to hear the details (and it would drive me crazy too), then don't put yourself in a position to hear the details.

By this I mean, don't be available for all of the phone calls, texts and visits. Let calls go to your voice mail. Don't respond to all of the texts. Limit when you see her and you might consider seeing her away from your house for coffee or lunch or just to sit in the car for 10 minutes.

At the very worst times with my son, that is what I did. I honestly didn't want to know much about his daily life because to know about it engaged me in it, at least mentally and emotionally. Even if I refused to do anything, I still worried and thought and laid awake at night rehashing bits and pieces of what he would tell me, posing questions I never asked him and the worst scenarios. Why? To what end? None of that energy I spent did anybody any good, and I was miserable, so over time, I learned to set those boundaries so I didn't know.

All I need to know, every few days or weeks (he was homeless) was that he was alive. It got down to that.

I think we have to get to a point when we care about ourselves and we value our own lives and we want peace.

It sounds like you are there. Boundaries doesn't mean cutting her off and never speaking to her or being mad at her. It just means not being available all the time.

I would recommend a really good and practical book to you called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It has helped me in so many areas of my life, and is a very practical guide to developing healthy boundaries with all relationships.

We are glad you are here. We get it and we care. We know how hard this is. Warm hugs tonight.

 

[RedAlert]

My goodness, had no idea I would have so much response to my rant. Don't know much about this site,so will have to figure out the "signature thing"- bare with me. Thank you all for your listening. Will spend next few minutes on here trying to find mu way around.

 

[RedAlert]

In answer to some questions.She was a nanny for nine years. Uneducated since 7th grade. She was let go, because the kids she raised for them are now older and the employer, does not need her now. With no car, no home, no money and a host of medical issues, of course she will have problems finding another job. She and I have never had a close relationship-one i cant trust her.She thinks the world owes her something- just like my ex husband- as her father did.Another reason he and I divorced long time ago. She very soft hearted though, and does care - she a people person, and can not survive without people around her. My youngest daughter, gets frustrated with her, and always askes me- are you sure she is my sister? We were not raised this way. LOLO-yep she is.

 

[AppleCori]

Hi RA,

So, where does your daughter live now?

Does her adult daughter with two kids and one on the way (if I have that correct) live with her? Is that daughter able to support herself and her children?

Since the car accident was not her fault, she should get reimbursed by the insurance company for her loss, I assume, so at least she can get another car.

With a good reference from a 9-year long nanny job, she should be able to get another nanny job pretty easily, I would think.

Things don't seem so bad for her, if she gets her ducks in a row quickly.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi RA,

Thanks for the added info.

She thinks the world owes her something- just like my ex husband- as her father did.

A very common thing we have found is how much DNA plays a role in connection with the way our difficult children live their lives. My son is just like his bio-father who really only had influence for 2 years while we were together and then very limited until my son was 4 when bio-father dropped out of the picture.

Uneducated since 7th grade.

What is the reason she only made it to 7th grade? Did she ever get her GED?

I'm glad you are here with us RA. It's a great place to vent. It's good to be able to share how we truly feel with others who really know what it's like to have a Difficult Child.

((HUGS)).................

 

[RedAlert]

Hi RA,

So, where does your daughter live now?

Does her adult daughter with two kids and one on the way (if I have that correct) live with her? Is that daughter able to support herself and her children?

Since the car accident was not her fault, she should get reimbursed by the insurance company for her loss, I assume, so at least she can get another car.

With a good reference from a 9-year long nanny job, she should be able to get another nanny job pretty easily, I would think.

Things don't seem so bad for her, if she gets her ducks in a row quickly.

She has been a nomad most her life. She spent all the insurance money and her severance pay..within a month 1 She has many issues . I have no idea where shes at right now. Her problems are more than I have time or space to pursue on here.

 

[RedAlert]

When she failed the seventh grade, she repeated it-by this time she was pg with first child,after marrying another man,she continued to be a baby factory. Pg eight times- four living. Soo, education was not on her agenda. She has many things in her life,that perhaps has contributed to her demise, but she also had many opportunities to change things. As a family, we all feel she has and has always had a very low self esteem.Once she became a nanny, she did change for the better in many ways, but she still had so many problems, and never over came them. I told her many times' This is just a band aid, its not correcting the problem.' And,so she has continued to slid back down, since all the other things have happened.

 

[RedAlert]

Hi RA,

Thanks for the added info.


A very common thing we have found is how much DNA plays a role in connection with the way our difficult children live their lives. My son is just like his bio-father who really only had influence for 2 years while we were together and then very limited until my son was 4 when bio-father dropped out of the picture.


What is the reason she only made it to 7th grade? Did she ever get her GED?

I'm glad you are here with us RA. It's a great place to vent. It's good to be able to share how we truly feel with others who really know what it's like to have a Difficult Child.

((HUGS)).................

At some point you have to just let them hang their self
(figurativley speaking of course) and move on.

 

[RedAlert]

Red Alert, welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry about your daughter and especially for the length of time you have had to endure the pain of watching her life as it is.

I'm glad you have stopped providing for her...because if not now, then when? At age 67, it's time for you to live your life, not support your grown children.

I remember one person on this forum who wrote that she is 80 years old and her 60-ish son still sleeps on her couch. I don't know about you, but I'm not doing that.

It's hard to let go of people we love. You ask how to cope with this. I believe the only way is to set boundaries about phone calls, visits, texts, social media messages---in other words, all communication. If it drives you crazy to hear the details (and it would drive me crazy too), then don't put yourself in a position to hear the details.

By this I mean, don't be available for all of the phone calls, texts and visits. Let calls go to your voice mail. Don't respond to all of the texts. Limit when you see her and you might consider seeing her away from your house for coffee or lunch or just to sit in the car for 10 minutes.

At the very worst times with my son, that is what I did. I honestly didn't want to know much about his daily life because to know about it engaged me in it, at least mentally and emotionally. Even if I refused to do anything, I still worried and thought and laid awake at night rehashing bits and pieces of what he would tell me, posing questions I never asked him and the worst scenarios. Why? To what end? None of that energy I spent did anybody any good, and I was miserable, so over time, I learned to set those boundaries so I didn't know.

All I need to know, every few days or weeks (he was homeless) was that he was alive. It got down to that.

I think we have to get to a point when we care about ourselves and we value our own lives and we want peace.

It sounds like you are there. Boundaries doesn't mean cutting her off and never speaking to her or being mad at her. It just means not being available all the time.

I would recommend a really good and practical book to you called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It has helped me in so many areas of my life, and is a very practical guide to developing healthy boundaries with all relationships.

We are glad you are here. We get it and we care. We know how hard this is. Warm hugs tonight.

Awe, thank you, sounds like you have had your hands full also.

 

[RedAlert]

The biggest thing that plays in my mind..for all of our kids, who just can't seem to do "The Right Thing" ..whats happens to them when we are gone ?