My son called after work. My sister had told him I spoke with her today. I asked him to join us for dinner this evening and to talk. He agreed. I picked him up and he told me he spent the afternoon packing to come home. We stopped and picked up pizza.
At dinner the four of us made light conversation. This is the first time my difficult child and husband have seen each other since February. My husband is a kind sole. He conversed at dinner as though he was dining with friends that he sees on a regular basis. I admire his strength.
After dinner, we sat in the living room. It felt like an intervention of sorts. difficult child stated that he's matured and he did things wrong but realizes he wants to come home. He never once apologized, nor did he specifically address anyone. It was very generic. He said he lives in a house with his three brothers and two sisters (my sister's kids are apparently his brothers and sisters now) but that he misses easy child.
I spoke next reminding my son of the chain of events from him walking out in February, to the emancipation request, to weeks without hearing from him, to my insisting on counseling, to his defiance against me for counseling, to asking him if he was ever coming home, his "No" response, to Wednesday nights decision to come home, to Friday night's decision to come home on Monday, to today. I asked him if he could understand why I'm questioning the sincerity of his returning for good.
I also said, "I'm guessing you don't spend a lot of time with aunt's family. My guess is you come and go at your will. My guess is they ask you if you'll be around for dinner and wait for you to finalize your plans. If yes, they'll set a place, if no, that's fine, too. I would imagine you sort of do what you want when you want." He said, "Yep, that's about how it is."
I reminded him how important family time is to husband and I.
easy child spoke next and said, "Since you left in February, I have had sole privileges in this house, but also all the sole responsibilities in this house. I feel like an only child now and it feels like I'm all of a sudden getting a new baby brother. I am not sure I'm ready for the transition this quickly."
That crushed my difficult child. He couldn't believe his brother didn't kiss his feet.
difficult child said to easy child, "Well if you don't want me here, then forget it."
I said, "This is hard on easy child. When you left, you never said goodbye to him. You didn't pull him aside. You just walked. You haven't called him or visited or seen him. You just disappeared on him and all of us have had to deal with this our own way and over time.
My husband spoke next. He said he's willing to forgive and forget but he also said that difficult child knows exactly what he's getting from our family. He knows the rules, the love, the support, the family unit, etc. husband said, "We don't know what we're getting from you, what you're offering to bring to the table. I don't even feel I know you after the last six months. I haven't heard from you or spoken with you. If you want to reach out to me, I will be there, but you have to make the effort. I will never go back to the way this house was in February... not ONE time."
I asked difficult child what his expectations upon returning were. I asked if he expected a cell phone? A car? Drivers license? What? He said he had no expectations.
I asked what would prevent him from walking in three days/weeks/months? He didn't' answer. I asked if this was financially motivated? Is he facing senior year with sports fees, senior pictures, yearbook, lock-ins, Homecoming, etc? I reminded him I paid $1350.00 for his 8 week sport season in the spring and he and my sister and brother enjoyed the benefits of my payment. He said I enjoyed the benefits of the money when we sold his car so as far as he is concerned, we're even.
He asked me to take him "home".
My husband shook his hand and then gave him a hug. easy child gave him a hug. He and I drove back to aunt's. difficult child said, "I can't believe you accused me of wanting money. I have plenty of money." I told him I didn't accuse, I asked what I felt was a valid question. He said, "I have more money than I know what to do with. I have plenty of money!" I asked if Grandma is giving him money. He yelled, "Gawd, why can't you give me credit for anything! I work for my money."
I asked what his therapist (he's a limited licensed psychologist) said about him wanting to come home. He said, "He told me if I'm happy at aunt's, don't move back home, stay where I am. And, I didn't listen to him." He got out of the car.
I pick him up at 8:00 a.m. for counseling. He is devastated. He's also a tad angry. He's stubborn enough that he gave us one chance and we blew it so "off with our heads" if you will.
I hurt all over again. My sister isn't doing ANY good for this child. He has a roof over his head, a ride when he needs it, food on the table, and the free will to come and go whenever he feels like it. He's been a joy to have around at my sister's because he has no care in the world over there!
Her boys are up at their summer home working every day. They aren't chopping at the bit to have difficult child go anywhere. Quite the contrary. They're 2 1/2 hours away without mom because mom's at home making sure King difficult child is happy.
At dinner the four of us made light conversation. This is the first time my difficult child and husband have seen each other since February. My husband is a kind sole. He conversed at dinner as though he was dining with friends that he sees on a regular basis. I admire his strength.
After dinner, we sat in the living room. It felt like an intervention of sorts. difficult child stated that he's matured and he did things wrong but realizes he wants to come home. He never once apologized, nor did he specifically address anyone. It was very generic. He said he lives in a house with his three brothers and two sisters (my sister's kids are apparently his brothers and sisters now) but that he misses easy child.
I spoke next reminding my son of the chain of events from him walking out in February, to the emancipation request, to weeks without hearing from him, to my insisting on counseling, to his defiance against me for counseling, to asking him if he was ever coming home, his "No" response, to Wednesday nights decision to come home, to Friday night's decision to come home on Monday, to today. I asked him if he could understand why I'm questioning the sincerity of his returning for good.
I also said, "I'm guessing you don't spend a lot of time with aunt's family. My guess is you come and go at your will. My guess is they ask you if you'll be around for dinner and wait for you to finalize your plans. If yes, they'll set a place, if no, that's fine, too. I would imagine you sort of do what you want when you want." He said, "Yep, that's about how it is."
I reminded him how important family time is to husband and I.
easy child spoke next and said, "Since you left in February, I have had sole privileges in this house, but also all the sole responsibilities in this house. I feel like an only child now and it feels like I'm all of a sudden getting a new baby brother. I am not sure I'm ready for the transition this quickly."
That crushed my difficult child. He couldn't believe his brother didn't kiss his feet.
difficult child said to easy child, "Well if you don't want me here, then forget it."
I said, "This is hard on easy child. When you left, you never said goodbye to him. You didn't pull him aside. You just walked. You haven't called him or visited or seen him. You just disappeared on him and all of us have had to deal with this our own way and over time.
My husband spoke next. He said he's willing to forgive and forget but he also said that difficult child knows exactly what he's getting from our family. He knows the rules, the love, the support, the family unit, etc. husband said, "We don't know what we're getting from you, what you're offering to bring to the table. I don't even feel I know you after the last six months. I haven't heard from you or spoken with you. If you want to reach out to me, I will be there, but you have to make the effort. I will never go back to the way this house was in February... not ONE time."
I asked difficult child what his expectations upon returning were. I asked if he expected a cell phone? A car? Drivers license? What? He said he had no expectations.
I asked what would prevent him from walking in three days/weeks/months? He didn't' answer. I asked if this was financially motivated? Is he facing senior year with sports fees, senior pictures, yearbook, lock-ins, Homecoming, etc? I reminded him I paid $1350.00 for his 8 week sport season in the spring and he and my sister and brother enjoyed the benefits of my payment. He said I enjoyed the benefits of the money when we sold his car so as far as he is concerned, we're even.
He asked me to take him "home".
My husband shook his hand and then gave him a hug. easy child gave him a hug. He and I drove back to aunt's. difficult child said, "I can't believe you accused me of wanting money. I have plenty of money." I told him I didn't accuse, I asked what I felt was a valid question. He said, "I have more money than I know what to do with. I have plenty of money!" I asked if Grandma is giving him money. He yelled, "Gawd, why can't you give me credit for anything! I work for my money."
I asked what his therapist (he's a limited licensed psychologist) said about him wanting to come home. He said, "He told me if I'm happy at aunt's, don't move back home, stay where I am. And, I didn't listen to him." He got out of the car.
I pick him up at 8:00 a.m. for counseling. He is devastated. He's also a tad angry. He's stubborn enough that he gave us one chance and we blew it so "off with our heads" if you will.
I hurt all over again. My sister isn't doing ANY good for this child. He has a roof over his head, a ride when he needs it, food on the table, and the free will to come and go whenever he feels like it. He's been a joy to have around at my sister's because he has no care in the world over there!
Her boys are up at their summer home working every day. They aren't chopping at the bit to have difficult child go anywhere. Quite the contrary. They're 2 1/2 hours away without mom because mom's at home making sure King difficult child is happy.
