hanging on to serenity

[meowbunny]

Yes to making his letter a new post.

YES to you are doing better now. However, telling us NOT is not telling him NOT. As Karen said, you need to tell him that he needs to do these things for himself. Remind him that it doesn't mean you don't love him. It is just better for him to do these things for himself. (You can always use the argument that the court will be a bit more impressed if the records show he made the calls rather his mommy.)

Keep being strong. We're here for you (and quit apologizing!).

 

[standswithcourage]

It seems harder sometimes to stand with courage when they are on the street or banging at your door to come in. It is a little easier when they are locked up andyou know they cant come. I am going to write him and let him know those things. Like last time, I am sure he can find those things out for himself.

 

[Kathy813]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Am I doing better now? </div></div>

Yes! :bravo: Keep up the good work.

~Kathy

 

[busywend]

Write him all you want, but do not send the letters. He will figure it out for himself. I suspect your letters will give him an opening somehow, he will sense your vulnerability.

He has to learn to just do these things on his own. It is part of growing up. He HAS to do it himself.

That is being the best mom you can be right now. Letting him do it on his own.

 

[Sunlight]

I agree about not writing him too much. he needs to feel the isolation and pain of being without comfort and family so that he never wants to do this again.

 

[standswithcourage]

This is not his first go around in jail. I know he didnt want to go back. He wrote in his letter that he hated it there but that he caused it. I cant bank on the fact that he is finally coming around yet. It is just words to make me feel like he is. The police came to visit him in jail about my easy child's system getting stolen. They are still trying to find out who did it. My difficult child may know something he is not telling. Our dog would have eaten someone up if a stranger had come in our house she had not seen before. I will not write him much - I just answere his questions. He wants us to come visit him - I dont think I can right now - I am sooooooooooo sick of going there. Why hasnt he felt the pain before? We have never bailed hiim out. He is mentally ill? I know all these quesitons are crazy but sometimes I just dont understand.

 

[DazedandConfused]

Originally Posted By: standswithcourage
he was wanting me to call the probation officer and tell him he wants rehab (NOT!) he wants me to call the 15 year olds mother and see if she will drop the charges (NOT!) he wants us to come visit soon (NOT!) he wants me to call the Voc Rehab lady he brushed off (NOT!) it all comes to be an emergency when he is where he is - I am not even sure - 99% sure he does not want rehab for recovery - just to get out! I am not going to do those things for him. He starts out with I need your help! Yes he has been needing help for 7 years now - probably longer but he always pushed us away. Am I doing better now?

I would say absolutely better!

 

[ScentofCedar]

:bravo:

The hardest part to change is our own interpretation of events.

GREAT JOB :smile:

Barbara

 

[goldenguru]

The hardest part to change is our own interpretation of events.

This quote fascinated me Barb. Can you explain exactly what you mean??

 

[Sunlight]

very insightful Barb! we only see thru eyes of a parent and our perception of our kid. I am learning to see a new ant. one who hates jail, and hates not having enough food and being with dangerous stinky people...but also one who is used to conning people, one who needs to be confined, one who may never change his ways. one who has been in jail many times and had every opportunity given to him...and still chooses a diff path.

 

[witzend]

The hardest part to change is our own interpretation of events.

This quote fascinated me Barb. Can you explain exactly what you mean??

I'm not sure if Barb meant this, but what I see it as meaning is what is hard to change is not as much not "doing" or reacting to what these people in our lives do, but when they do something outrageous, (steal from us for example) we see it more simply, as "difficult child stole from me", rather than "difficult child stole from me because he has a drinking problem because some awful even happened that I can undo, (or a brain injury that can be treated) so I need to make doctor appointments for him." If you interpret it as a character flaw in difficult child, rather than something that you can fix, it clears away the clutter that makes us enablers.

Obviously that doesn't work with 8 year olds. They need our guidance. Once they're 16 - 17 ish and beyond, it's more about them interpreting their character flaws and wanting to change them, because there's really nothing you can say or do for them. You just don't have the influence on them that's needed anymore.

Of, course, that's only my interpretation of what Barb said. Maybe I got it completely wrong!

 

[everywoman]

Sometimes we just need a change of perspective. I often look at difficult child like he's someone else's child---maybe a student that I teach. It's much easier to look with detachment if you look at the things they do from NON-MOMMY eyes. As a mother I want to protect---as a teacher I look for solutions....sounds strange...but it works for me when things get really bad.

 

[standswithcourage]

That sounds like my son ant's mom! I got another letter today from my difficult child. He still says he needs help - wants me to call - he said he is going to write his doctor - says they are giving him Xanax in jail for a while - he wants to be out by Christmas - doesnt care where he wants to go for rehab or how long? - I have heard it all before - it makes me anxious but I am doing nothing about it - Christmas used to be such a happy time! :thumbsdown:

 

[Sunlight]

they will give him medications in jail for only a short time. then he must see the psychiatrist to get more, they charge 10.00 to the inmate for a visit and the psyhiatrist is booked up 6 months in advance. Ant got Ativan only the first week now nothing.

even if your son writes the doctor, the doctor can do nothing. jail is like its own city with its own docs and rules.

dont think about Christmas yet.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Holidays can be hard when your child isn't there, but you can also look at it as a bit of a relief from the drama that can escalate around the holidays. My definition of a good holiday changed years ago to, "there was minimal drama, so it was good!"

As for the perspective issue, I sometimes use an analogy a counselor gave me long ago, actually with respect to my kids' dad. When I would be upset over his craziness, his irrational behavior, she told me to think of him as an alien from another planet. Where he came from, the rules and values were completely different, and he firmly believed they were the RIGHT rules .. therefore I could never convince him otherwise. I just had to accept that. It works :smile:

 

[standswithcourage]

I just feel like I am slipping back into not being sure about what I am doing. I talked to parents of a 19 year old boy that has been with my son in the neighborhood and they hung out some and they always make me feel like we should be doing more. They asked me if we had found a place for him - that would be nice but what am I supposed to do - I dont want to sit by and watch everything go down the tubes if there is one thing I should at least do - what is it? I just dont like feeling like this.

 

[Suz]

I dont want to sit by and watch everything go down the tubes if there is one thing I should at least do

Susan, it's too late. Everything IS down the tubes.

There is nothing more you can do for your difficult child.

It is time that he does these things FOR HIMSELF.

Please stop beating yourself up.

As the adage goes, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

Surely we aren't the only people who see how cyclical your thoughts are? Don't you see them that way, too? I feel as if you are a mouse in a cage running in circles- I'll bet you feel that way, too.

Please talk to your therapist about this. I don't mean to be disrespectful, but after reading your posts that focus on the same things over and over, I have to wonder if you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Has your therapist ever talked to you about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)?

Suz

 

[DammitJanet]

When they are in jail, we really do lose most of our ability to even influence the outcome. This is especially true if you are not the victim of his crimes. The only reason I have any influence or even that the DA is talking to me at all is because I am the victim of Corys crimes against me. They will probably be combining several of his cases together so that may help him in the long run...I dont know.

 

[meowbunny]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: standswithcourage</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I just feel like I am slipping back into not being sure about what I am doing. I talked to parents of a 19 year old boy that has been with my son in the neighborhood and they hung out some and they always make me feel like we should be doing more. They asked me if we had found a place for him - that would be nice but what am I supposed to do - I dont want to sit by and watch everything go down the tubes if there is one thing I should at least do - what is it? I just dont like feeling like this. </div></div>

LET IT GO!!!!! Their son is 19, barely an adult and still in his teens. Your son is 24, an adult well out of his teens.

I'm not sure how often any of us can keep saying this nor why you can't seem to quite get it -- HE IS AN ADULT! HE NEEDS TO DO THIS FOR HIMSELF! Quit making excuses, quit trying to baby him. Let him grow up. It is time for you to start taking care of yourself and your husband.

 

[busywend]

I find it odd that you can not see that continuing to help your son is enabling him. This is a basic concept that is understood by most adults.
If you help him, he will not change. He will not be a better person. How come you can not see that? He will be stuck in the same routine he has been all these years that you have been enabling him.

IF you want him to change (maybe you really don't) YOU must change in order to allow that change to come. He CAN not and WILL not change if you do the rescue again.