Chaos and drama can be addictive too, Stands.
When you are ready, you will be able to see how your son is hooking you into his drama.
When you do see that?
You will begin resenting the way your son has twisted the love of his family into something awful.
It isn't supposed to hurt this much to have children.
For me, and for most of us here on the site, it isn't about whether the child needs this or that anymore.
It gets to be abuut whether we are strong enough to allow the child to suffer the consequences of his choices without being destroyed, ourselves.
What is happening to your son is a horrible thing.
It's awful, and I am so sorry this is all happening again.
What I am saying is that if this were my son, I am strong enough now to be able to say "No more inappropriate anything with, from, or for this child."
And to say it without hating myself for it.
What it comes down to is that you have your own life to celebrate, and to be responsible for. You have told your son not to do the things he did to get where he is.
THAT was your responsibility.
He did them, anyway.
If you had a zillion dollars, you could pay for someone to get him out of this ~ and what a sad comment on our system of justice that truth is.
But even if you had a zillion dollars, you might not do it.
Because you told your son not to do the things that got him where he is.
Again.
He must have wanted to be where he is.
You need to decide whether you want to be right back here in this chaotic place again and again with him.
No matter what you tell him, he does what he wants to do.
If you do not get to choose, why does he feel you should help pay the consequences of HIS choices ~ especially when you TOLD him not to do that?
Here is an amazing thing that I learned: Most parents do not have children who do these things to them, who shame their families as our children have done. Most parents, however badly or well they parented, have children who try to live their own best lives. What we need to learn is that it is not our doing that our children are going a wrong way. You taught your son NOT to do the things that got him involved with the legal system this way.
So, no.
I think you should not pay for an attorney.
I think you should concentrate on healing yourself DESPITE what your son has brought into your life again.
Take your daughter and her new husband to a wonderful dinner, or pay for a romantic little getaway for them with that money your son expects you to throw into the maw of the justice system.
Again.
Learning to refuse to be a victim is important too, Stands.
When it is one of our children who is victimizing us, that is an even more important lesson to learn.
Celebrate the good things, and pray that the awful things will resolve successfully.
Love your son, hold faith with him Stands, but refuse to be his victim ever again.
When he is ready to be the son you raised, when he merits your trust again (if he ever does) then welcome him back into your lives with open arms.
But until that happens?
Until he changes his ways?
You need to learn, like we all have had to learn Stands, to hear the heart truths in the lessons Ant's Mom teaches and teaches us all, about establishing appropriate boundaries and refusing to be victims.
Learning how to refuse to be a victim is the most important thing we could help one another to understand.
It's a hard lesson though, and it takes time.
You will get there, Stands.
Barbara
P.S. Here is an interesting thing, guys. I did not capitalize "boundaries" in the initial posting. When I read through and realized "boundaries" had been capitalized, I went into the editing screen to change it. In that screen, "boundaries" is not capitalized, either.
But on this screen, it is.
Hmmmm....
**************
Ack!
And now, it is capitalized in my edit!
:rofl:
