Have you ever *really* thrown your kid out?

[TheyAreLegallyAdultsNow]

Yes.

I personally collected our house keys from both difficult child-s (at the time they were aged 17 (and 10 months) & 21) within 24 hours of each other.

We are not safe with them in our home.

It breaks our hearts.

Our bio-daughter will only agree to see them for a very brief meeting in a VERY PUBLIC place for her own personal safety.

We desire restoration of our relationships IF and WHEN that becomes possible...

...but NOT at "any" cost.

"Restored relationship" will never involve them living under our roof ever again.

Bio-daughter is welcome anytime... not that she needs to live here... she is not dangerous to us. She remains loving and respectful.

----------------------------
by the way We never differentiated between bio/adopted while we were raising them!!! However... every professional we have spoken to tells us our adoptees behavior is "common to adopted" individuals (especially diagnosis'd Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)) .

 

[DDD]

I haven't done it Sometimes I think I should but on the other hand I believe that some dysfunctional young adults just don't have the components necessary to live on their own. In our case there is no danger involved to anyone in the family.
Only our sanity and energy level are in jeopardy. That makes a big difference, I know. DDD

 

[susiestar]

Making your child leave is incredibly hard on your heart. It hurts like nothing I have ever experienced. In our case it was a safety issue for all of us. My husband would NEVER have agreed if I had left any wiggle room at all. It took him about 3 years to process it all. I was terribly hurt when about 18 months after Wiz left my husband told me he didn't even know why I kicked him out!!! husband came home after the deputies were there. They tried to get him to talk me into letting him stay and he knew that if I went to that point that there was no going back. He stood next to me in court as I read a letter to the judge detailing what had happened and the history and pleading for him to send Wiz to Residential Treatment Center (RTC). He even sat up with me when I couldn't breathe if I was laying down because the enormous bruise on my chest from where Wiz had head butted me and the bruises on my back from where he pushed me into the bar.

I knew, deep down, that if Wiz stayed we would both end up dead. I would have killed him before he could have hurt his sister again, and then probably killed myself because I couldn't live with what I had done. If he had killed me, or Jessie then he would have killed himself out of guilt - either right then or at some point in the next year or two. It was something I just could NOT allow to happen, but we were so far down that road with him that the ONLY way I could see to avoid it was to make him leave.

husband did get some help, and so did I. It has made a HUGE difference in our marriage.

Can you look at what your daughter is doing, breaking the rules etc..., and see how it is hurting her? Can your husband be brought to a point where he can also see this? To see that her actions don't just hurt the rest of the family, but they are also hurting HER? If you can see that it may be less difficult to make her leave. You are doing her NO favors by letting her live with you, and it is likely hurting your other children quite a bit. Not only do they have to live with the chaos, they also are learning that they can ignore the rules with little real consequences if they want to. It is such a hard thing to do, but it really is necessary to put the good of the family over the good of one child.

 

[pks3636]

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I'm brand new to this site,this is my 1st posting ever, anywhere. I was referredby my my tx, whom I hadn't seen for 6 years,( 1 year before i got the strength to throw out "bad girl" = BG). I threw my 21 y.o. daughter. out on her butt. It was the hardest thing I've had to do. She was diagnosed as ADHD, Oppositional Type Char. Dis, etc. We had suffered 6 yrs, never having ANY control as parents until friend/ therapist reassured me that even "if she ended up dead on a street corner", that it was not my fault!!! No truer words were ever spoken. We arranged with older, married daughter. to take her in because of her thievery, drug and alcohol abuse, no job,while living in our home,etc. We offered her rehab. but it took another hellish year of watching her "crash and burn" to ashes until she came to me, high on some pills,asking us to pay for rehab. THE SMARTEST INVESTMENT we have ever made. She' older now, 27, still working for that BA in Soc. Wk. but she's alive, well, SOBER, and mostly a joy to have around. Luckily she's gotten a lot of psychiatric. help but we can trust her alone in our home again. Hope this helps.

 

[TheyAreLegallyAdultsNow]

I'm brand new to this site,this is my 1st posting ever, anywhere. ...
...friend/ therapist reassured me that even "if she ended up dead on a street corner", that it was not my fault!!! No truer words were ever spoken. ...
...she' older now, 27, still working for that BA in Soc. Wk. but she's alive, well, SOBER, and mostly a joy to have around. Luckily she's gotten a lot of psychiatric. help but we can trust her alone in our home again. Hope this helps.

WELCOME pks3636 !!!!

AND...Thanks so much for sharing your experience!!!!!!!!!!!!

I came to these boards asking for ppl to share their experiences from the "victory" side of things. My husband and I continue to hold out hope that our difficult children will eventually come to their senses, and once more be "mostly" be a joy to have around.
THANK YOU!!!!

 

[Bean]

Yes, welcome and thank you for sharing your experience. It IS helpful.

Guys, I really wish I could say she was out and I had my house back. I feel guilty even typing it. But it isn't so. The Husband and I are no longer on the same page.

 

[witzend]

Welcome and thank you!

 

[peg2]

Lots of stories, I had to get a restaining order against my son in February; usually, something happens that you receive help from above in dealing with these kids. I was going to go the eviction route, orhwatever I would have had to o in my state, but he sent me unaccetpable text messages,etc. and that was what did it or him. I am devastated and and getting worse(depressed a lot) and although my life is calmer it will never be the same. It isn't normal to do that but one can not live their life being abused emotionally, but certainly not physically. There is nothing good about any of it, he aks my oldest if he can come home(once or twice) but unless I see postive changes it can't happen. I feel as if I have lost a child.

 

[Bean]

I am devastated and and getting worse(depressed a lot) and although my life is calmer it will never be the same. It isn't normal to do that but one can not live their life being abused emotionally, but certainly not physically. There is nothing good about any of it, he aks my oldest if he can come home(once or twice) but unless I see postive changes it can't happen. I feel as if I have lost a child.

(((hugs)))

 

[Sue C]

Well, we threw our oldest difficult child (now 30) out when she was 19. It was for the best. She was abusing drugs and wouldn't give up going to raves (leaving Friday after work and being gone all weekend and then going straight to work Monday morning). She wasn't really verbally abusive to us, but she was to her younger difficult child sister and was kicking her in the legs. Anyway, at first she had nowhere to live and stayed with friends or lived in her car for the first 3 months. Then she found 2 girls to live with in a not-so-safe area. But she survived and she got better on her own. However, she was always very independent.

Younger difficult child is ODD and Bi-Polar and we suspect Borderline (BPD). She is emotionally immature and very dependent on us. Even as her older sister says, "She'll die out there in the real world." She has no money and nowhere to live. We've tried kicking her out and she just sat in her car with her hand on the horn or just plain wouldn't leave the house. We didn't want to have the police involved. And so for now, we allow her to live here. I think one day we'll kick ourselves for not kicking her out.

Everyone's situation is different. Each child is different. It's hard, I know.
Hugs,
Sue