Long story but my adopted daughter and I have had no contact since she left almost 7 years ago. She is now in prison. I am having a hard time with wanting to write to her...but I have to remember that it would likely be met with hate and blame. It is so difficult thinking of her in these current circumstances. Then again, it was her choices and actions that led her there. I am really struggling. I feel for her. But, I do have to try to remember the years and years of challenges and verbal abuse that I put up with. My life is truly more peaceful without contact. Does any one here have a similar situation? Any advice? Thanks in advance. I am near tears.
Having a hard time Letting Go
- Thread starter LetGo
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MommaTried24
Active Member
LetGo I am so sorry you are still going through this inner battle with your adopted daughter. I too am in a similar situation with my son who has been in and out of jail for the last 8 years. I went no contact for about 3 years and just recently (for about the last year off and on) allowed contact again. He's currently back in jail for VOP. He called me on speaker phone as he was being arrested. I felt gut punched and body slammed afterwards for days. He didn't follow the rules which he had agreed to when he got out last time so here we are again. I'm sick of it.
He called me collect about a month ago and I pretty much told him how I felt and that I would not do jail time with him ever again because it's killing me. Also told him this would be the last time he would ever call me from jail. I've struggled since then with mom guilt. Should I write him, should I not? I decided not to. I've said it all time and time again so what else is there to say? If you ask me, it's a broken record at this point. I feel like if he has it hard enough and misses having any support whatsoever while in there, that maybe he will finally stop going back?
I feel the same way as you that sadly, life is truly more peaceful without contact. I love my son (he is my only child) with all of my heart. He was my life for years and I struggle really bad with depression. It breaks my heart as to how our lives and our relationship has turned out because of his choices. I taught him better than this but I decided to get off the rollercoaster ride of drama with him. I'm just going to wait for him to come to me from now on and then I'm going to set even harder boundaries going forward.
I'm not sure if this even helped you at all but we have to carry on with our lives. We deserve to have peaceful, drama free lives with our grown adult children who show us respect and would never put us through any of this. Sending you love and a big hug!
He called me collect about a month ago and I pretty much told him how I felt and that I would not do jail time with him ever again because it's killing me. Also told him this would be the last time he would ever call me from jail. I've struggled since then with mom guilt. Should I write him, should I not? I decided not to. I've said it all time and time again so what else is there to say? If you ask me, it's a broken record at this point. I feel like if he has it hard enough and misses having any support whatsoever while in there, that maybe he will finally stop going back?
I feel the same way as you that sadly, life is truly more peaceful without contact. I love my son (he is my only child) with all of my heart. He was my life for years and I struggle really bad with depression. It breaks my heart as to how our lives and our relationship has turned out because of his choices. I taught him better than this but I decided to get off the rollercoaster ride of drama with him. I'm just going to wait for him to come to me from now on and then I'm going to set even harder boundaries going forward.
I'm not sure if this even helped you at all but we have to carry on with our lives. We deserve to have peaceful, drama free lives with our grown adult children who show us respect and would never put us through any of this. Sending you love and a big hug!
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Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Hello. I think we need to find a way to have a balance. On the one side there is REALITY. How can we ignore how our adult children act? And the past is the best predictor of the present. There is another reality that is present: Your daughter is another adult. She has the opportunity and obligation not only to manage her own life but to reach out to you both to request contact and to reassure you that she has changed. She, not you, bears that responsibility.
If she has not done this, there is the likelihood that today's reality will be the same as the past. We have the obligation to face reality and to accept this. Barring, my son's desire to change and concrete steps to change, he is likely to behave the same as he has for many years.This is my truth to accept
It is never okay to accept abuse of any kind. We are not obligated to do so.
Yes. I do. My life is way better with my son away from me. He calls, I am tense and sad. I don't want him near me. He tries to guilt me and I don't buy it. I tell him, I tried years and years and years to help you and to influence you, without any effect. Just because you want to live like you do doesn't mean I have to or want to. I don't want to live like you do and I won't.
Yes. The balance we can have is to accept the good with the bad. We don't have any control over what our children choose for themselves. We have much more potential for control to choose what we want. If you are depressed, get help from a professional or spiritually. I did both. For 3 years I have seen a psychologist twice a week, and I do spiritual work twice a week. I no longer am depressed. I feel sad sometimes, but I accept the sadness as part of life.
I do miss my son. I love him. But I don't miss how he has been for the past 12 years. I accept that life has inconsistencies and ambivalence. That nothing is a straight shot. Like music has highs and lows, so do our feelings.
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Copabanana, Thank you for your wise response There is reality and that's what keeps me away. She has been like this since (attacking people physically) she was little. Her past has guided her present and is very likely going to be her future. You're right...we should never put up with abuse of any kind. I tolerated some behaviors when she was younger...looking back, I consider them abusive. " Just because you want to live like you do doesn't mean I have to or want to. I don't want to live like you do and I won't." Isn't this ever the truth....this statement alone was what I needed to hear to jolt me out of my place of sad. I am not in a constant state of sad. It happens periodically. I have been in therapy. It helped a great deal. Thank you and Hugs, Copa.
MommTried24, Thank you so much for your response. The fact that we can feel sick and gutted for days after contact, is partly what made me not want to have contact. I just felt so crappy afterwards. I tell myself, when self will listen (most of the time) that "I don't need it, don't want it and most importantly, don't deserve it." Your response did help. The support is so good! Hugs, LetGo
MommaTried24
Active Member
Copa, you nailed it because this is exactly how I feel. I've been in and out of therapy for years so I'm all for it. Recently dropped out of Alanon due to a split in the group. Definitely need to seek another counselor for one on one therapy again. I'm with LetGo on this one, these few sentences that we both needed today. Thank you!
MommaTried24
Active Member
Absolutely! I'm glad what I said helped you. I'm so grateful to be back on here!
LetGo and Copa ~ Thanks to both of you!
Hello all, I am feeling much better today. Copabanana wrote a few things that were like a "snap out of it!" for me (very kind snap out of it). The first one being "REALITY" and the second being "I tell him, I tried years and years and years to help you and to influence you, without any effect. Just because you want to live like you do doesn't mean I have to or want to. I don't want to live like you do and I won't." I really tried for 24 years. That is a very long time. She had made some good changes with a lot of supports in place but then she made the choice to move to be with her birth mother. That's another long story that did not end well. She is an adult and she is making her choices. Thank you, again, to this group.
Much, if not everything here, resonates with me. Our adopted daughter repeatedly has done very inappropriate things and has somehow managed to sweep us into her giant messes. We were very slow to extricate ourselves from it all, even though she is past 21. We would give her chances upon chances, to the point that it was getting absurd. We are retirement age and it's getting OLD. We are tired. We have our own health concerns. Decades of this stuff is taxing.
When we finally decided ENOUGH, I was surprised that 100 percent of our friends and relatives felt that "it was about time." Anyway, what we have decided to do (at least for now) is help her with things we deem essential for life. It's limited. We pay for her cell phone. We pay for an annual membership for Walmart food delivery (she doesn't drive). About once a month, we pay for about 5-7 days of groceries to be delivered to her via Walmart. We pay for deductibles for medical services. If she is very sick like with fever, we pay for an uber to and from the doctor office or emergi center. We pay for dental cleanings. And we pay for birth control. The amount she gets for food stamps is ABSURD....ABSOLUTELY NO ONE could survive on it. So, one or two weeks a month she gets food from church donations, etc. It's awful. Then one week from us and what she gets from food stamps covers about 7 days. It's really awful. But, we keep her at a distance. It's a shame. She rarely blows up at us anymore, but when she does...we lay down boundaries and might not speak with her for a day or two. She then suddenly communicates with us like nothing happened. We are protecting ourselves and giving her essential and minimal help at a distance. She usually doesn't appreciate what we are doing. SMH. But, I know it's very helpful for her...SMH. As a related side note...this lack of gratefulness/appreciation seems to run rampant among our adult children.
When we finally decided ENOUGH, I was surprised that 100 percent of our friends and relatives felt that "it was about time." Anyway, what we have decided to do (at least for now) is help her with things we deem essential for life. It's limited. We pay for her cell phone. We pay for an annual membership for Walmart food delivery (she doesn't drive). About once a month, we pay for about 5-7 days of groceries to be delivered to her via Walmart. We pay for deductibles for medical services. If she is very sick like with fever, we pay for an uber to and from the doctor office or emergi center. We pay for dental cleanings. And we pay for birth control. The amount she gets for food stamps is ABSURD....ABSOLUTELY NO ONE could survive on it. So, one or two weeks a month she gets food from church donations, etc. It's awful. Then one week from us and what she gets from food stamps covers about 7 days. It's really awful. But, we keep her at a distance. It's a shame. She rarely blows up at us anymore, but when she does...we lay down boundaries and might not speak with her for a day or two. She then suddenly communicates with us like nothing happened. We are protecting ourselves and giving her essential and minimal help at a distance. She usually doesn't appreciate what we are doing. SMH. But, I know it's very helpful for her...SMH. As a related side note...this lack of gratefulness/appreciation seems to run rampant among our adult children.
I think it's a good decision that you are extricating yourselves from the situation. At least with my daughter, things would always somehow fall back on me and that it's my fault. I have had to be done for awhile now. I think you are absolutely helping your daughter in the physical ways that really do help her, whether she acknowledges it or not. I love that Bette Midler song "From a Distance"....distance helps a lot!!!
