Having a low day

[MissLulu]

I’m not sure why I’m posting really. Nothing has changed. Things are reasonably stable.

We went on o holiday with our younger two to Malaysia and that was really enjoyable. I stoped myself from calling or texting Difficult Child and that went well. He texted a couple of times to ask questions but otherwise I didn’t hear for him, which worked out okay for me.

As soon as we landed on home soil my anxiety kicked in. He has been house sitting for a friend for six weeks but the day after we came home his friend came home and now we’re all back in the same house. So far he’s been okay and I’m trying my hardest to not involve myself in his life but it’s hard while he’s under my roof. He’s being super well behaved at the moment - working, saving etc - but I fear it won’t last. I really want him gone but feel guilty because he’s not actually being difficult right now. I guess it’s the fear of the next “episode” that worries me.

 

[Triedntrue]

I am sure you have heard the phrase walking on eggshells to describe our anxiety. I know that feeling well. Waiting for the shoe to drop. That's one of the many reasons my son can't be here. For your sake i hope he is planning on using those savings to find a place of his own. In my opinion if he does , make it clear that he can't come back. I am going through a similar situation my son is being released from jail with no where to go but i am not allowing him here if i did my husband won't. We have been through what you are going through too many times. Prayers and hugs.

 

[ChickPea]

Sorry, hon. I've had the same feeling. Putting that physical distance between you and your Difficult Child (on vacation) can be such a luxurious feeling. We traveled a few hours away and that really helped us. Once we hit our county again, the anxiety and dread started to surface. Maybe it's unavoidable.

We, too, have "gone through it" too many times to allow our daughter to live here. It would ruin us. I hope yours can find somewhere else. Even that physical distance - and having your home be your place of solace - helps.

 

[Blindsided]

I really want him gone but feel guilty because he’s not actually being difficult right now. I guess it’s the fear of the next “episode” that worries me.

I am so glad there is peace in your home for the moment. You are right about trust, thing is, they have to earn it at this point.

 

[JMom]

LuLu,

I am sorry you are feeling low. Walking on egg shells is no fun!

When my boy was home (sober) I often felt the same way. I just sat him down one day and said that I loved having him home, but thought it might be time for him to fly out of the nest. Surprisingly, he moved in with a friend and they moved up to a two bedroom three months later.
I wish I had done it sooner, but I didn't think he was ready.

It will be nice when you can get your house back. 11 months is a long time to be sober and working, kuddos to him for that. How does he feel about moving out? I'm curious to know what he would like to do in the future (move up in his company, college, vocation)? After almost a year of steady work, he may be ready for his next step to independence.

I hope he finds his way soon so you can feel at ease. We all feel your uneasiness, you are not alone.
HUGS,
Jmom

 

[MissLulu]

I am sure you have heard the phrase walking on eggshells to describe our anxiety. I know that feeling well. Waiting for the shoe to drop. That's one of the many reasons my son can't be here. For your sake i hope he is planning on using those savings to find a place of his own. In my opinion if he does , make it clear that he can't come back. I am going through a similar situation my son is being released from jail with no where to go but i am not allowing him here if i did my husband won't. We have been through what you are going through too many times. Prayers and hugs.

Thanks for the support, TNT. I just replied on your thread about your son being released.

Walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop - that's exactly how I feel. Feeling this way is ruining my life. I can't enjoy anything anymore. Well, that's not true, I have good days. I'm just in a funk right now and finding it hard to pull myself out of the hole.

He's been looking for a place to rent for months but keeps getting knocked back. I'm sure this is partially because half the time he puts in applications he doesn't bother to clean up. He goes to the agency (or the open for inspection) in his dirty work clothes and looks unkempt. When I try to talk to him about this he argues with me. Anyway, he has money but so far no options of somewhere else to live. I don't want to undo all the progress he's made by kicking him out and making him homeless, but having him here isn't working for me. I remain hopeful something will become available soon.

 

[MissLulu]

Sorry, hon. I've had the same feeling. Putting that physical distance between you and your Difficult Child (on vacation) can be such a luxurious feeling. We traveled a few hours away and that really helped us. Once we hit our county again, the anxiety and dread started to surface. Maybe it's unavoidable.

We, too, have "gone through it" too many times to allow our daughter to live here. It would ruin us. I hope yours can find somewhere else. Even that physical distance - and having your home be your place of solace - helps.

Thanks so much for your lovely reply, ChickPea. This morning I just wanted to run away. I feel like I want to move to another state, another country even, to get away from this kid of mine. But that's a fantasy. I have younger kids (one at uni one in high school) who have lives here. My husband and I are trying to look for solutions that work for us without enabling my son. Haven't found one yet, but we'll keep looking.

 

[MissLulu]

LuLu,

I am sorry you are feeling low. Walking on egg shells is no fun!

When my boy was home (sober) I often felt the same way. I just sat him down one day and said that I loved having him home, but thought it might be time for him to fly out of the nest. Surprisingly, he moved in with a friend and they moved up to a two bedroom three months later.
I wish I had done it sooner, but I didn't think he was ready.

It will be nice when you can get your house back. 11 months is a long time to be sober and working, kuddos to him for that. How does he feel about moving out? I'm curious to know what he would like to do in the future (move up in his company, college, vocation)? After almost a year of steady work, he may be ready for his next step to independence.

I hope he finds his way soon so you can feel at ease. We all feel your uneasiness, you are not alone.
HUGS,
Jmom

Thanks for the support JMom. I really appreciate it. He is doing well at the moment. 11 months of full time employment is nothing to be sneezed at, and he's managed to save money, pay for his own fuel and phone, insurance etc. So on that front he's doing okay. Addiction is not his primary issue (although he has had an issue with pot in the past and he drinks). His substance abuse seems to be under control. He doesn't not appear to be smoking pot at all, but is drinking on weekends at social events. Alcohol doesn't seem to be a problem on it's own for him - he's not a big drinker - but it's an issue when he is also smoking weed. Not a good combination. The other issue is that he is medicated for anxiety and depression and he shouldn't be drinking or smoking on those medications. Last I heard he's stopped taking the medications, though. (He's very reluctant to discuss his medication/treatment with me.)

His main issue is his mental health. I know about the depression and anxiety diagnosis, but I think he has something else going on as well - possibly Borderline (BPD) or bipolar. Obviously I'm not a medical professional so not equipped to diagnose, but he won't share medical information with me. He has meltdowns - where he gets very angry and very distressed (I'm often the target of this). He's not physically threatening but he's unreasonable and it's very difficult to cope with. He's always very sorry afterwards. It's been about three months since he's had one of these episodes, but we can't predict when the next one will happen. He does see a psychologist regularly.

I know there will probably be people reading this wondering why I am complaining - he's working, paying bills, saving, seeking medical attention and he seems to be off the pot - that must seem pretty good to many people here. And it is. I'm not denying the progress he's made. But it's the walking on eggshells I can't bear. I can't trust that this will last. I hope it does and want the best for him, but I don't trust him.

Anyway, sorry, this wasn't supposed to be such a longwinded reply! I really just wanted to say we have had very similar discussion with him to the one you had with your son, and he was fine about it and agreed. We gave him a deadline of the end of January (this was months ago) but January is half over and he hasn't been able to find anywhere. We know he is looking - we've been to a couple of open houses with him and we've helped him by printing out some of the paperwork for his applications - but so far he's had no success.

Hopefully a solution will present itself soon. I feel worn out!

RE further steps. I don't think he's ready to take on anything more than the entry level job he has right now (in a small agricultural/manufacturing business) and I'm okay with that. I don't mind if this is what he does with the rest of his life, if that's what makes him feel okay. He struggles with confidence and self-esteem and every time he is promoted at work it ends in disaster. Last year he quit this job for three weeks after they promoted him. Thankfully his boss is a lovely, understanding man, who took him back.

 

[MissLulu]

I am so glad there is peace in your home for the moment. You are right about trust, thing is, they have to earn it at this point.

You're so right. The thing is, I'm not sure I will ever fully trust him again. I hope I will, but I don't know.

 

[JMom]

LuLu,

I doubt anyone on this forum thinks you shouldn't complain. We all have anxiety because we want our kids to be the best version of themselves. It's unfortunate that so many people stop taking medications for mental issues. They function so much better medicated. Does he have meltdowns with others (at work) outside the home? I was curious because I have a friend whose daughter is very unpredictable she has Borderline (BPD), but only acts out with her mom. He probably trusts you more than anyone else. Seems we always hurt the people that we love us the most. It seems backwards, but I guess they know we will still love them and forgive.

Perhaps you can focus on being present to relieve some anxiety of the future. Your mind is its own worst enemy. Don't be so hard on yourself and be kind to yourself. It's OK to stop and be still and just feel your breath coming in and going out. It's OK to just not think about him. It sounds like you have a great family. Something that worked for me when my anxiety kicked in about J, I would stop and purposefully do something with someone else in the family-no problem solving. Play a game, do a puzzle, take a walk, talk about old times when you were dating the hubs, anything that "takes you away". Being present really can alleviate stress because you are doing rather than thinking. Try not to worry about January 31st. Focus on January 11th, just today. The future only exists in your mind. You don't have to write that chapter, you're not there yet.

Breathe sis, you got this!
Jmom

 

[Acacia]

He's not physically threatening but he's unreasonable and it's very difficult to cope with. He's always very sorry afterwards. It's been about three months since he's had one of these episodes, but we can't predict when the next one will happen. He does see a psychologist regularly.

Though the fear of another episode is justifiable, the fact that your son shows remorse and sees a psychologist are hopeful signs.

That being said, I think it is vital that you and your husband find a way to keep boundaries and to not enable. It is not your responsibility to open your home to your son now that he is an adult.
I have wanted to move far away from my DS, who is 34. He is difficult and not remorseful, and because of his attitude and outbursts I often walking on eggshells when around him. Because of that, no matter how difficult his circumstances, I will not allow him to live with us.

This is difficult stuff, but I hear you listening to and honoring your feelings, which can help you to set appropriate boundaries.

 

[MissLulu]

LuLu,

I doubt anyone on this forum thinks you shouldn't complain. We all have anxiety because we want our kids to be the best version of themselves. It's unfortunate that so many people stop taking medications for mental issues. They function so much better medicated. Does he have meltdowns with others (at work) outside the home? I was curious because I have a friend whose daughter is very unpredictable she has Borderline (Borderline (BPD)), but only acts out with her mom. He probably trusts you more than anyone else. Seems we always hurt the people that we love us the most. It seems backwards, but I guess they know we will still love them and forgive.

Perhaps you can focus on being present to relieve some anxiety of the future. Your mind is its own worst enemy. Don't be so hard on yourself and be kind to yourself. It's OK to stop and be still and just feel your breath coming in and going out. It's OK to just not think about him. It sounds like you have a great family. Something that worked for me when my anxiety kicked in about J, I would stop and purposefully do something with someone else in the family-no problem solving. Play a game, do a puzzle, take a walk, talk about old times when you were dating the hubs, anything that "takes you away". Being present really can alleviate stress because you are doing rather than thinking. Try not to worry about January 31st. Focus on January 11th, just today. The future only exists in your mind. You don't have to write that chapter, you're not there yet.

Breathe sis, you got this!
Jmom

Jmom, thanks again for your support. I can always count on this forum to lift me up. And to be clear I certainly don't think anyone here is unsympathetic towards my feelings, I just feel like I should be more grateful now that things are relatively stable, especially when I know there are others here at crisis point.

I have had a couple of better days. On Monday I had to force myself to get out of bed (the trouble with working for myself is that I can't get sacked if I don't turn up to work on time - LOL.) Anyway, I did force myself and even though it was a tough day I got through it. Yesterday I went to visit a friend, which was nice and allowed me to stop thinking about Difficult Child for a little while.

You asked about the meltdowns - he does mainly have them at home, but has had them at work a couple of times too - not in this present job, but in his last job. I know he loves me and trusts me more than anyone else, which is why he acts out more with me than with anyone else, but I'm done with living like this. As I've said, he's pretty okay at the moment but I just can't live with the uncertainty.

Thanks to this forum I have take a big step back from him. He lives here rent free. (We bank his rent for him - he still pays it but we put it in a savings account so he will have some money to fall back on when he leaves.) However, we pay no other bills for him. He has to maintain his own car, pay for his phone and insurance etc himself. I used to wake him for work and make sure his uniform was clean, but I've stopped all that. He sleeps here but that's pretty much it. I feel like he is ready to go. Hopefully it will be soon!

 

[MissLulu]

Though the fear of another episode is justifiable, the fact that your son shows remorse and sees a psychologist are hopeful signs.

That being said, I think it is vital that you and your husband find a way to keep boundaries and to not enable. It is not your responsibility to open your home to your son now that he is an adult.
I have wanted to move far away from my DS, who is 34. He is difficult and not remorseful, and because of his attitude and outbursts I often walking on eggshells when around him. Because of that, no matter how difficult his circumstances, I will not allow him to live with us.

This is difficult stuff, but I hear you listening to and honoring your feelings, which can help you to set appropriate boundaries.

Acacia, I hear what you are saying, and we're getting there - albeit slowly. I totally understand why you can't have your son in your house. The next time my son moves out will be the last (he's been in and out for the past three years.) Once we transition him to somewhere appropriate we will not be taking him back. This is something my husband I both agree on. But I'm not ready for him to have nowhere to go, even though I understand that he is an adult, who needs to be sorting this stuff out himself. I think if he wasn't trying to find somewhere it would be easier for me to force him to leave. I'm so hoping we can find him a place soon.