He stole over $1000 dollars from us after we stupidly let him back in!

[Childofmine]

NOM, just catching up with this thread. I'm so sorry. I understand the pain of having your son steal from you because mine did too, and like you, it was a final straw. I couldn't believe it, but once I did, I was furious, and then I realized he could not be in this house with me. I kicked him out and changed every lock, crying my eyes out the entire time. It was awful. We understand here. I think in some ways, now looking back, it was good that it happened, because it got me real clear real fast about what I would tolerate and what I would not tolerate. Before then, I had been going back and forth and was very mushy about him and boundaries with him. That is the good part. I'm so glad you are getting the money back! I hope and pray through this situation your son gets clear about his own life, and starts to turn and go in a new direction. We can always hope. Warm hugs.

 

[Night Owl Mama]

Getting deliveries today at my house for things my son bought with money he stole from me. It is so absurd it's almost amusing. Today it is a jacket from Lands End. I want to return it but the money would just go back into his PayPal since he withdrew cash and deposited it into his own account. I guess I just add it to the rest of the evidence that is living in my closet, like the game console, games, Fitbit, blue ray set, etc.

I also found out how he knew child support money was deposited into that account since it isn't often and I wondered how he found out before me. I am set up to receive text alerts, and all texts on my phone from that day back have been deleted. So he looked at my phone at one point, likely while I was home since I would have it with me otherwise, saw notice of the deposit, took my card, and deleted my messages. Just like that.

See, any son I am interested in having a relationship with would have come straight to me with the news and rejoiced with me. (Well
I would rather no one check my messages but me...but you get the idea) The fact that his first impulse was to delete the msg and take my card lets me know just how far gone he is, and that the image I sometimes have of him as a loving son and big brother is not who he really is.

Anxiety is heightened today. I am startling when I see cop cars, hear sirens, see shadows outside moving, hear someone at the door. I am both afraid for his own demise, and from him showing up here. It's such a weird mix of emotions.

 

[pasajes4]

 

[BusynMember]

Please take care of yourself. Change your locks. Do you have an alarm system?

Very sadly you can't protect your son. But you can protect yourself and other loved ones who live in your house, if anyone.

 

[Snow White]

There should be a "sad" rating for some posts, like yours. I feel the same mixed emotions with regard to daughter - afraid for her own demise and if she should show up at our doorstep. I am so sorry.

I hope you can get through this without your anxiety becoming a permanently heightened state.

 

[Night Owl Mama]

He called tonight from the hospital. Says he was admitted for attempted suicide. I don't know if I believe it. I think he has figured out the system and this is his place to stay for as long as he can so he can escape consequences, i.e. the shelter. He said he called to apologize and "take responsibility for his actions", but he wasn't getting a warm reception from me. He actually asked if he could come pick up the new lands end coat he'd ordered (WITH STOLEN MONEY!) because it's "getting cold". Umm, no, and it was 90 degrees today. Then he asked if he could get his medications because he needed them. But isn't he calling from the hospital? I am sure they can work that out. Sorry but I don't want him here and I don't want to see him.

When I let him know we were following up with theft charges his attitude really changed. He said, "that's not gonna happen." He thinks if he pays us back, he won't be charged. I explained it doesn't work that way. We needed that money and the bank requires us to press fraud charges. This is what happens when you commit a crime. He then said he didn't call to get yelled at (my voice was never raised). I said, "This is not yelling. This simply stating the facts. I am sad for you that you have chosen this and I wanted you to know that the consequences could be very serious and effect your life and future." He said he was "too vulnerable to deal with my verbal aggression" and decided to end the call. I asked him to not call again.

I am more worried about him breaking in now, though I suppose that would only give him more charges to deal with. I don't have an alarm system but I think looking into some extra security measures like extra locks for our windows and sliding glass door. It is helpful that someone is generally home here.

I think the detachment phase is going well. I was mildly perturbed after the call, but not overly upset. My husband told me I handled it amazingly!

 

[BusynMember]

Sounds like you did great, but I would change the locks.

I am not going to pretend my Difficult Child is a criminal in jail, bit he's really hard to talk to and stole from ex and I not sure he never broke the law. I have detached to the point where he can call.me a stupid FB (and that doesn't stand for Facebook-) or a useless B and hang up on me and I can just shrug it off afterward with no more than minor irritation.


It's who he is. It's how he talks even to the few family he still is fortunate enough to have contact with, my ex and me. The consequences will hit him when the two of us are gone and his son is a teen and wants to be with his friends. He abused Princess so bad when he was a teen and she was still little that she doesn't want him around. Sonic and Jumper are so much younger and all they know is that he yells and swears at me. They can hear him over my phone.

Jumper asked why I even talk to him.

Our kids will learn, whether or not we want them to, that their ways don't work.

Part of the consequence is that even we, the parents, know not to take them seriously. Eventually most do detach.

Hopefully some learn
My son wont as he sees nothing wrong with his behavior, but others may. I hope yours is one who does.

 

[Snow White]

Good for you to hold your ground, Night Owl. I know it is hard.

Your son is definitely testing the waters to see if you will rescue him. I'm glad that you are coping with detachment. Needs medications in a hospital? Not likely. And I would say no to the coat, too. Is the hospital giving him a "pass" to leave and pick up things? Really? Doesn't sound like hospital protocol to me.

I would definitely want to have my home more secure. Although they say, "locks are for honest people", I'd be looking into extra security measures and an alarm system if I could.

 

[RN0441]

Night Owl -

Didn't see anywhere, but does your son use drugs?

 

[Night Owl Mama]

Night Owl -

Didn't see anywhere, but does your son use drugs?

I think he has addictions to be sure but not drugs. Video games have always been an obsession, and he spent a large chunk of the stolen money on those. Also spent ton on fast food. I think he has binge eating disorder. He was always the kid who would get up and eat at night, hide cookies in his room, etc. He is on the spectrum and I was told this is common. His rages were always triggered by either food or video game restrictions.

 

[GoingNorth]

Yes, autistics do tend to hide food. I used to when I was a small child, which made my mother crazy because we lived in a rather "slummy" neighborhood and roaches were a constant battle.

Autistics also don't tend to feel hunger and satiety normally. I know in my case,, that hunger often doesn't register until a: I realize I'm ravenous, or b: I suddenly realize I'm about to keel over from low blood sugar (I'm diabetic) Satiety was an issue when I was a child as I'd just keep eating until someone pulled my plate from under my nose. Luckily, I was a skinny kid. Didnt' get fat until I took Zyprexa several years ago.

And now, with the diabetes, I eat little and often.

They are saying now that video games are not bad, but obviously, if you are stealing to get games, there's a big problem and you are talking addiction.

Also, is he on antipsychotic medications? If he is on atypical antipsychotics, most of them make one ravenous, which could explain what you are seeing as binge eating. Is he overweight?

 

[susiestar]

I think you are handling this amazingly well. Esp in your phone conversation. He sounds very immature and entitled. Video games are not bad, per say, but they CAN be an addiction.

I am glad that you are getting the money back as that is a LOT, esp when expecting a new baby! You may want to call the bank and ask them or the police what to do with the items he bought. It likely will be taken as evidence, and the bank may get it back as part of restitution. I am not sure, but before you do ANYTHING with the items, call and find out what your obligation is. It could impact the prosecution AND at a later date the bank might get upset if you didn't let them know. Technically it is probably stolen property.

For a cheap security upgrade for windows, if they open up and down, get a dowel rod and cut it to fit into the area above the window where it would have to be raised to open. Or if the frames are wood, just put a big nail into the frame so the window cannot open. We once got a big insurance break when the landlord put in windows that had little pins so the window could open about 2 inches but no more unless you pulled the pin out. I liked having them on the upstairs windows so the kids and the idiot cat couldn't lean on the screen which could have them falling out!

If you have a sliding glass door, put a dowel into the track on the bottom so it cannot open. Then go outside and try to take off the outer door. If they are not installed properly they can often just be lifted off and no lock will help. We had a different landlord put one in wrong and it took my uncle having a fit to get it installed properly. My uncle has cop friends who said this is an incredibly common mistake that can be a big security risk.

 

[Night Owl Mama]

Going North: He is only on lamictal and Prozac currently. He has been on risperdal as a child for aggression, and we saw a lot of binge eating and weight gain with that so we discontinued it, but the binge eating persisted. He is 6ft and 300 lbs so yes, overweight.

 

[Night Owl Mama]

Susiestar: great security tips, thank you. My husband is going to get dowels for the sliding door and windows tomorrow.

Yes, he is very entitled and always has been. I have tried to teach him otherwise his whole life to no avail. It certainly was not the values he was raised with, but it seems to be part of who he innately is. It's hard to admit to myself how little influence my parenting had on him in the end. It's hard not to get jaded about mothering in general. Trying not to, since I have lots of other kids to raise, and I want to believe all the effort means something!

 

[mof]

I think your doing great! I don't know much about medical stuff or medications...all my kids hide food, they are just teens....now that my Difficult Child is sober...he no longer does. He started Prozac and has helped him not eat so much.

He is definitely trying to bait you...if he's in the hospital...he does not get a pass...or need medications.

He would be allowed clothing , or they would just wash what he has.

Stay strong
Y our doing loving thing

 

[Albatross]

Yikes, Owlie. Sometimes we have some truly surreal moments when parenting a difficult child. I imagine receiving those packages was one of them.

I too wondered what you should do with the packages. I guess technically they are stolen property. I can also see your son being required to pay restitution to the bank sometime in the future. But certainly him getting the nice, new coat he basically stole from you is not an option.

It's hard not to get jaded about mothering in general. Trying not to, since I have lots of other kids to raise, and I want to believe all the effort means something!

Isn't that the truth! It seems like a crap shoot sometimes!

 

[mof]

I agree albie, sometimes I recall that song...one out there ain't bad.

 

[RN0441]

My 29 year old son and his girlfriend say they don't want any kids. I often wonder if seeing what we went through with Difficult Child had any part of that decision?

I also hope he changes his mind.

 

[mof]

RN,

I don't think we ever will know what makes up their mind. They haven't of time to make you a Grandma!

 

[Snow White]

My 29 year old son and his girlfriend say they don't want any kids. I often wonder if seeing what we went through with Difficult Child had any part of that decision?

I also hope he changes his mind.

Our 29 year-old son has also said that....and it is because of his sister. Maybe he'll change his mind but I doubt it.