Hello

[Pinkfreud]

Hello there!
I have been watching from afar for a little over a year now. I came across this forum after googling " My son is homeless".

So the short of my story is this:
my 25 yr old son is currently living in his car for the second time in a year. He cant seem to keep a job, because he cant get along with his coworkers. This last time, he was fired the week of Thanksgiving for cussing out a coworker. He is a hard worker, but then gets mad at what he perceives as others not pulling their weight. Anyway, he had enough saved , plus a little help from me, to stay in his extended stay hotel room through mid January. He has been living in his car since then, spending days at different libraries around town doing online data entry. He has a gym membership so he can shower, and he spends Sundays with my daughter and her husband so he can do laundry. He has another friend he goes to see once a week, and they work on their Youtube channel content. I have a good relationship with my son. He is such a brilliant person. His ideals are a little screwy,he has extreme social anxiety ( but wont take medications anymore) and he is so rigid in his thinking ( hense, my suspicion of an Asperger's component).

Last year when he was homeless for the first time, there was a lot of " I just want to die. Life isn't worth living as a "wage slave". etc. He was King of the Gaslighters. He has sense taken ownership of his situation, but I fear this is temporary, as he is comfortable like this...but with the Texas summer fast approaching, this will change, Im sure. He has had some interviews, but with his spotty work history as of late, and his appearance ( long, unkempt hair), coupled with his EXTREME pickiness as to what kind of work he will do, Im not optimistic.

He does like the green, but ( as he tells it) he doesn't use it when he doesn't have money. He makes decent enough money for a homeless guy, refuses to panhandle, etc. He has admitted to other recreational drug use in the past.

Anyway..sorry if I rambled. This site has helped me so much to stay strong. I have faltered, helping when I shouldn't have. But in the midst of this storm, all of ya'll have been such a source of comfort and calm. Thank you.

 

[InsaneCdn]

He is such a brilliant person. His ideals are a little screwy,he has extreme social anxiety ( but wont take medications anymore) and he is so rigid in his thinking ( hense, my suspicion of an Asperger's component).

At this age, it's really tough. Especially if he really is Aspie.

Would he be open to finding out what makes him tick? It might help him figure out who he is and why he is this way. It might also open the door to some resources to help. BUT. It has to be HIS decision.

Sounds like your story also sort of fits in with our Failure to Thrive group - teen and adult kids with developmental challenges and/or mental health issues - the ones who aren't so much refusing to cooperate as simply aren't able to be "normal".

 

[Pinkfreud]

See, I don't know lol. As a background, I had him at 17, was married to his father for 12 yrs ( who is a similar personality).
He was on Zoloft for about 6 months a few years ago, and then abruptly stopped, because he didn't like the way it " cramped his creativity".
He tried Lexapro on my advice last year after he had a breakdown, and again stopped it and swears he will never use another ssri. I did take him to a psychiatrist for an evaluation about 18 mos ago, he did the 2 hr intake questionnaire, and then had his actual appointment ( by himself) the next day and he got into an argument with the psychiatrist over whether he is agnostic or atheist. The psychiatrist prescribed Seroquel, Xanax and another ssri ( I cant recall which). my son tore up the rx's and refused to go back.

where my confusion is: Does he truly have mental issues, or does he use that as an excuse? I just don't know....

 

[Tanya M]

Welcome to the group Pink.

I'm glad you decided to share. Your story is a familiar one to so many of us here.

You sound like you have a good grasp of the reality of your son's situation. It's never easy for us parents but with detachment we are able to go on with our own lives.

My son too has a hard time getting along with people and has a high IQ which lends him to feel superior to everyone. He chooses to live a life of wandering through the southwest states. Somehow he manages just as your son is.

My son was diagnosed many years ago with ODD but after being here on this site and learning from others as to certain behaviors, I would guess that my son is Bi-Polar.

Whether or not these adult children of ours have mental issues, they still have free will to choose how they will live their lives. There are many people who have mental challenges but they still manage to live a life that is responsible and free from chaos. They choose to take their medications and continue with therapy. My son would rather self medicate and since he "knows more than a psychiatrist" why would he need one - (he actually told me this once).
I have a friend who is autistic and lives a very responsible life. My neighbors son has aspergers and he also is very responsible.
They both have made a choice to work on their behaviors, to learn coping skills and this is something my son would never admit to needing. What's interesting about my son is he uses the "victim role" whenever he can yet he would never admit it.

I have accepted my son's life choices. I will never understand it, but I do accept it.

Again, I'm glad you shared.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Social anxiety is one thing. How are his social skills? If he's getting fired for his interactions with co-workers, I'm guessing his social skills are a problem. And that's typical of Asperger's.

Rigid thinking is also typical of Asperger's.

And so is this:

he did the 2 hr intake questionnaire, and then had his actual appointment ( by himself) the next day and he got into an argument with the psychiatrist over whether he is agnostic or atheist.

 

[AppleCori]

How did your son do in school, Pink?

Was he ever diagnosed with any behavioral problems/did he have an IEP/did he have normal peer relationships?

Did he get along with teachers/keep up with his schoolwork?

 

[Pinkfreud]

I'm sorry, I don't know how to do the quote thing on here.

Thank you Tanya, My "good grasp" on things is from reading this forum. Believe me, I was a basket case last year. Not eating or sleeping, constantly in a state of high anxiety. dreading every text from him. Reading posts for yall ( esp Lil, SWOT, You, Insane, and Leaf....) yall have helped so much!!! I am better at keeping the catastophising ( sp") at bay. But like I said, things are relatively calm at the moment.

YEs, Tanya, He has a 136 IQ, and definitely feels superior.

Insane, I do suspect Asperger's, for the exact reasons you stated above....he disagrees wholeheartedly. As far as not getting along, part of it is his superiority complex, part of it is he often feels slighted by the slightest things. He also just doesn't like being around people. He has told me he is happiest when doing data entry and being left alone. He held a good job for about 2 yrs, and quit because they took him off data entry and were putting him in another area "even though I am the fastest and most accurate keyer". Fast food jobs are out, because at his last fast food job he had a breakdown ( completely shut down to where the manager had to call me to get him) over being yelled at by a customer.

about 5 yrs ago, he shared with me that he was trying to work on his eye contact, and was making a point of making eye contact with ppl he passed in the mall. I know lack of eye contact is another aspie trait.
He THRIVES in online forums and on Twitter. I feel that is where you can see his true personality. He is funny and smart and compassionate. BUT...he will tear someone to shreds when he gets into an online argument.

 

[Pinkfreud]

Apple, He was a straight A student, never had to study. He played trombone in marching band, and did more social things back then. He did have normal peer relations, but had to be the leader.
He never got in trouble in school. He was in gifted and talented, and did some theater.

 

[AppleCori]

Did he have a job in high school? How did he do? Difficulties wit co-workers?

It sounds like he was 'normal' in functioning and development through high school, if I am understanding you correctly.

Did he go to college/ Trade School? How did that go?

When did you start noticing things going wrong?

 

[Pinkfreud]

yes. worked at 16 as a bagger during the summer, then quit when school started back up because he was heavily into marching band. No difficulties.
he was "normal" for the most part. The biggest issues I had were things like he would try to tell me how to parent his sister ( 3 yrs younger than him). He was very concerned about fair etc. His father and I divorced when my son was 11...he lived with me for a year, and then he moved in with his dad. From what my son has told me, that probably wasn't the best thing, because my son was exposed to some adult things that he probably shouldn't have been ( conversations mainly). He has no relationship with his father since 2013, when he found out his dad took him off his health insurance ( even though it wasn't additional to have him on it, because he had other children on the policy)

He went to community college for 3 semesters, some basics and computer courses, but quit going because he felt he wasn't learning anything in the computer classes ( he has been programming since he was 12, self taught).

Here is kind of a breakdown of adult life for him:

He worked at KFC while attending college...had the breakdown, lasted another 3 months ( 1 yr total), then quit over a fight with the manager ( I cant remember what about)
worked processing cable orders for about 9 months, quit because the manager told him he couldn't slouch in his chair.
He worked at a temp service off and on after that, then they quit calling him for jobs because he refused to work at this one place that pressed DVD's for what he claims was a pyramid scheme that was scamming people.
He then got the GOOD job that lasted 2 years. He was doing really well...then he quit over the position change after cussing the manager out ( I think he regretted that..he mentioned HR called him a week later, and he was like " I would be too embarrassed to go back")

then his first homeless stint that lasted 6 weeks....

then the job for about 8 months before being fired for calling his coworker a pretty bad name.

 

[Pinkfreud]

I want to clarify...there was no molestation or anything like that..his father would just talk to him about adult things that were inappropriate and let him watch porn.

 

[BusynMember]

So your son is capable of holding a job, but he sabatages them because he gets angry. So now he's homeless due to his anger at certain often petty things about his jobs.

Well, you cant change him. Im sure you tried. Hopefully, since he is smart, he will decide to keep his next job. None are perfect and, unless you own thecompany, you are going to have to listen to a boss or many bosses. Not a good plan to ruon a possible reference for a new job by cussing people out.

Heres hoping he figures it out and the next job works out.

 

[BusynMember]

by the way, my son is on the spectrum and has blossomed in the eye contact and social skills. He is now 22. He never did get hostile with other people though. He was and is still shy and does prefer to be alone. He works with others though. Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) people are all so different and they often learn to fit in more on their own.

Not saying your son is an aspie, but he does seem in my opinion to have traits of it, including thinking life should always be fair. Rigid thinking is a big trait. My son is more flexible now in his thinking, but he hates change in his life. It gives him anxiety and he really like structure to be the same every day.

 

[InsaneCdn]

SWOT, your son had some advantages - like an early diagnosis. He got appropriate interventions.

My son, and I suspect Pink's son, grew up with bullying, especially by teachers (by peers is a given). No diagnosis meant no accommodations, even though they were highly warranted (in our situation, a number of other co-morbid disabilities that often go with Asperger's). As a result, they are "taught" by the system to be belligerent.

Not unusual for the dad to have the same traits - there does seem to be a genetic component to Asperger's.

 

[BusynMember]

My son was wrongly diagnosed until age elevin...
Adhd, bipolar and medications he didnt need.

Husband and I suspected autism from the day we met him so knocked ourselves out demanding autistic interventions, although our advocate didnt call them autistic. He had poor speech so we got him in speech. He had rigid muscles so he had an Occupational Therapist (OT). He had poor social skills so he got social skills class. He did not learn well in a group so he got an aide. Etc. ,et, etc. So, yes, he got the right intervrntions for autism, but he got them for behaviors, not a diagnosis. We fought the district day and night and our advocate threatened a court battle. She had won several. No school district wants to go to court. Not here.

When he was finally diagnosed, he was in middle school and did not need as much help. He was mainstreamed and had really improved.

We forced the district (long story) to transport him to a school that had Special Education kids. This was just luck. Nobody there bullied the special needs kids so, right, he never was bullied. He was treated very well. That was huge. He likes himself. Most people adore him. by the way, most of the kids in his school were neuro typical.

He was lucky on many fronts but not because he was diagnosed early. We tried to get this Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) diagnosis. Seemed obvious to us. But we had to wait. In the end, it turned out we were right and, yes, his interventions helped him.

Now that he is an adult off all medications, it is very clear that he has NO trace of bipolar. Terrible diagnosis for this very even tempered young man who is content and balanced.

 

[InsaneCdn]

He had poor speech so we got him in speech. He had rigid muscles so he had an Occupational Therapist (Occupational Therapist (Occupational Therapist (OT))). He had poor social skills so he got social skills class. He did not learn well in a group so he got an aide. Etc. ,et, etc. So, yes, he got the right intervrntions for autism, but he got them for behaviors, not a diagnosis.

Ours... had coordination problems from a very young age, but didn't qualify for Occupational Therapist (OT) - you had to have an "obviously related diagnosis", AND get that before age 4.
Had auditory challenges from a very young age and didn't qualify for even a basic screening until it was much too late.
Didn't have "autistic behaviors", so didn't qualify for social skills interventions, because there weren't enough spots and those were reserved for kids with an autism spectrum diagnosis.
There were no appropriate special needs schools either.

We got NONE of the interventions.

Sonic was very fortunate to have you to fight for him. AND to have a school system that wasn't so tightly tied to "diagnostic proof" of need.

 

[BusynMember]

Ic, it's not quite as diagnosis oriented here, but you do have to figjt hard to get school districts to follow the law. I lost much sleep worrying about school and sonic and we were lucky to find a good advocate. Without an advocate, you get bullied by the school district.

We were also fortunate that sonic is so cooperate and has a sweet nature. Teachers, being human like the rest of us really enjoyed him and worked hard for him. Not all my kids were such favorites (cough, bart, cough). Bart was smart and in gifted classes but his teachers didn't like him because he liked to get attention in class and was disruptive. His poor conduct grades followed him.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Pink, so glad you have posted. I am so sorry for the heartache you are going through with your sons issues.

Apple, He was a straight A student, never had to study. He played trombone in marching band, and did more social things back then. He did have normal peer relations, but had to be the leader.
He never got in trouble in school. He was in gifted and talented, and did some theater.

I am reading this and thinking it must have made it infinitely harder when things got difficult with your boy. My two had issues from middle school that just kind of transitioned into adulthood.
Forgive me, I do not have the knowledge of disorders and challenges shared here, but I am writing to you as one mom to another who understands the heartache of having an adult child choose to live on the streets. My daughter is out there at 37, trying to figure things out. She has a history of working here and there, then quitting.
One very hopeful thing for your son is that he is young. There is so much new information about maturation. I have read posts here of d cs changing their lives around in their late 20's. There is always hope.
Looking over your thread I was thinking....gee, this kid just needs to find his niche.....as do we all in life. Some of our kids take a bit longer. It is hard, they are our beloveds and we want the best for them, but alas, they have to want it too.

So, we have our kids out there and we are dealing with it day by day, trying to build ourselves and each other up.

You sound very strong, Pink. I am so glad you are here posting now. It is a belated welcome, as you have been viewing posts for awhile now, it is so good of you to share your story.
About quoting, okay... Highlight the words you would like to quote (if you are on a computer) a box will come up that says quote, click on that. Your selection will be added to a quote box that will appear when you click on the "insert quote" box on the right hand lower corner of the reply section. The quotes appear within brackets. Write your response outside of the brackets.
Hope that helps.....play around a bit, it took me awhile to get it....lol.
Again, welcome. I am so sorry for your need to be here, but you are in good company and most definitely not alone.

(((Hugs)))
leafy

 

[nlj]

Hello Pink

My son is now 29. He has been living an 'alternative' lifestyle for several years. He is very intelligent and was always a top student and he has a good university degree.

He has lived on the streets, in a 'hippy' commune, in a tree, in a van, in squats, anywhere but in a normal house.

He has a similar superior attitude as your son and rejects most work and society as corrupt and beneath him. He lived with no money at all for a couple of years, foraging and getting food from dumpsters. He has a lot of strong views about the amount of waste in our society and the evils of consumerism.

I like him a lot.
I also love him of course.

Much of what he says is true. He's just a bit extreme in the way he responds to things. He's not happy to have views about stuff, he has to live it.

I now completely accept his life choices and have a good, if sporadic, relationship with him. I do not give him any money (and I think that is crucially important). I respect his lifestyle but also expect him to respect my lifestyle (that is also crucially important).

My son was a very unhappy troubled young man who saw wrong in everything around him. He suffered depression and anxiety for years. He is now much happier although grubby, skint and an outsider. He sees being an outsider as a positive thing. I agree with a lot of what he says; that used to be difficult because he used to become so angry that I used to feel that I was being lectured by him whenever we spoke. I've detached from that now. It floats over me.

The main thing Pink, is that he is happier, he can't live a conventional life and that's fine. I'm proud of him, whatever.

 

[Pinkfreud]

Thank you for your responses.
Forgive me if my answers bounce around lol.

SWOT, Insane...I do agree. He has to own his decisions. I have struggled with feeling like a bad mother if I didn't "help" him...but reading this forum..all of your stories...has helped ease the guilt.
My son wasn't really "bullied", he got into tifts with certain classmates, but I chalked this up to my son just being obstinate/ bossy in his interactions.

Leaf and NLJ, yes I do feel like he has to "find his niche". He seems much more settled this time around. NLJ, I think yours is the very first story I read when I found this sanctuary. I connected with you. Your son sounds so much like mine. And I, too, like my son a lot. He is so INTERESTING. He is also right in a lot of his ideals...the corruption of the world etc. I used to push him that he just needed to "accept the things he couldn't change"..He seems unable. Someone on here posted an article about radical acceptance. I sent him the link. Don't know if he read it. Now I feel like I am in a place of acceptance. His way isn't my way..and that is ok.